Now Playing: ..........
cant do anything, ive lost hope, thnks alot azrii!! for the biiiiiggg distraction, im so lost now, i canot pick up where i left from, cuz there's nothing to pick up, my studies are completely done for, every1 cant seem to just leave me alone, the only thing that im longin for is a cigerrate, i dont know why,, i give up, im already way lost in studies, now i forsee that im gonna get huge trouble in school, but, who cares, no1 cares, there's nothing to be fish about, at most, ill get into trouble or somethin, i dont care about me, i dont expect any1 to care, not even her, i dont care if they make my life screwed up even more, its already screwed up, they're just preventing me from killing myself, i just hope they wont bug me at the wrong time, cuz that's when ill hack care bout my life, i dont know what will i do, there's nothing to look forward in school,ir after school,no one can distract me now, life's bitch, i just want her, even for a split second, i just want to hold her hands, i want to look into her eyes, she's like my angle, my motivation, she came into my life just the right time, the time where i felt shit about everything, she made me feel that my life is worth being alive,
but now, she's gone, with her own life, i cant seem to pick myself up,i hate myself, tmr's school, i dont care about failing or being in a worst class, i dont care if ppl look down to me, i gave up hope in myself, it's not easy for me now, i cant even tell her how im feeling, cuz i dont want to make her feel crap again, i cant even be at least a lil happy, i just want her, i dont know how it got so bad, but shes the only thing that i had, used to have,, nothin could ever be so wrong, i dont know what else to do, i just dont want to end up killing myself, maybe not now, but i dont know if this will happen later on in life, once everything gets so bad, and i cant handle it nomore. i just hope god would do something, im lost , truely lost, i dont have any aim in my life, i dont have a goal, everything i do is always disliked by every1, im nvr good enough fer any1, i just hope there's a solution to all this, life's just screwed up, it didnt take me long to find that out, i hated myself ever since i was pramary 2, and those two pigs just had to be selfish, i hate them, i hope they would die and go to hell once my brother grow up, i hate them with all my heart, they made me this way, i cant do anythin about it, my head hurts damn bad now, im off to have a walk,
so long and good night!

Life without her
laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking and thinkin, while waiting fer the time to pass. i love her, i once had her, and i lost her, i miss her so much, i dont think she feels the same way too, ill nvr be the same old me again, i just want her, i love her, nothing could ever describe how much i love her.
i just thought, maybe i just miss being said 'i love u', but then i think again, and i just want her to say that, not no 1 else, cause i could nvr love any1 as much as i love her, and i could nvr be with any1 besides her, cuz, i thought of that, and how could i be such an ass being unfaithful to a girl when my heart is always with her. no one can replace her, not even a model or some girl that every one goes after, i want her heart, i miss her, she dont know how much i love her, ive told her, but she didnt take my words seriously.
i cannot find anything else to do, besides thinkin of her ever second, even i know that we'll nvr be back together.
see what i mean? i cant even be by myself now, ill start thinkin of her deeply and feel crap about it, that's why i have this blog, it's just for me to spit out everything that i feel towards her.
now that she's gone, and living a perfect life, and me living this kinda of life, being a boy and tearing every second inside, i can only hope for death, for every moment in my life now, is just nothin but crap, in school , at home, with friends, without her.
i cant take this nomore, been having headache everyday now, im off, i just hope that a car would hit me or somethihn.

CANT TAKE IT NOMORE!!
Now Playing: liifffffffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeee is just a cigarette stick burning away
i came home early from school today, gave some stupid excuse that i was sick, and that fag in my house came to fetch me, cant believe he's still staying in my house.

school didnt turn out the way i expected, it turned out worst, i thought i could just act normal and talk to the others, but i did totally opposite, i came to school just in time for assembly. the stupid principal just had to screw my day up even more by giving stupid advises. selfmotivation, dicipline, interest, get out of school if you dont have selfmotivation blah blah blah blah blah, thnks alot asshole!!, now you've just made confirmed that im screwed up, i didnt bare to look at her when we're going up to class, i love her so damn much, but she dont feel the same way,life jsut sucks
during science class, we had a stupid openbook test, and, i still cant concentrate, my mind just kept on thinking of her, i dont know if im doing this to myself, but , ive lost motivation and hope and everythign else, i have nothing to look forward to in school now, everyone else is an ass, and everytime i look at her, my heart just aches even more, i mean, i really love her alot, i miss her, and i want her.teacher just had to screw my day up even more by saying somethin that i DONT WANT TO HEAR IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, which is, ' u've done well, keep it up' LIKE WTF!!!I HATE PPL WHO DOES THAT TO ME, now that she said that to me, i just felt even more shit, cuz i knew im totally screwed up in my studies, and she asked me to keep my 36/50 marks up, fuck her!!
at math class, i didnt understand a single shit, equation and all those shit, everytime when i look at the board, it felt like a million information was entering my head rapidly, i jsut could take it anymore, she've left me, and i dont have hope in myself anymore. before i even met her, the team was all i cared for, i thought of the team almost every second, cuz that's the only thing that makes me feel appreciated and they share the same interest as me, and it distracts me from all those shit that was happenenig in my screwed up house, and now, i dont know, i feel useless, even in the team, i cant stop thinkin of her,she's like, in my mind every second, i really miss her so damn much.
im supposed to meet my math teacher after school to do my test cuz i was absent on monday, buuuuuuuut WHO CARES?!!!IM AT HOME NOW AND SHE CANT DO NOTHING AOBUT IT!HOW DYA LIKE ME NOW?ASSHOLE!!,,,life is just totally screwed up for me, i dont feel the way like i used to feel, everything i do is just a distraction, not for interest, i cant be commited in anything even though i tried so hard to be. i cant stand school , home anymore, im always having a headache, i hope i die, i really do, i really hope that god would put me into a komma or somethin, or make me real stupid and totally imature, im jsut sick of thinkin, i cant be what ppl want me to be, all i just want is her to be beside me, i dont know why, everythign doesnt seem right without her, everythin i do just make others bleed, i cant catch up in studies, ive lost hope, i dont care what happens to me in school or anywhere, i jsut hope i die, when i climb, when i run, when i jump. This is how much i love her, i cant live without her, many of you ppl think that the ' i cant live without you' line is meaningless and they're jsut words, if you ask me, i think the same way too, or at least i used to think, now i know that i really mean it when i say that to her.all i can wish for now, is for her to come back, that'll totally make me the opposite of whta i am now.

Now Playing: ...
I LOVE YOU PLOD!!!!not gay not gay,
today, didnt do nothing much, i just learn that she'll nvr get off my mind, ill always love her, nothing could change me anymore, ive lost hope in studies, i hate myself, my freaking mom has gotten every1 involed, my father, my aunt, Y THE FUCK CANT THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!!!i cant stand life nomore, now that she's gone, i jsut hope that she would come back, cause she's the only1 who can make me feel cheered up and give me hope, tmr's school, i i havent even completed my freaking poem, i just dont care anymore, im off to try to get some rest,i dont if i can, everything is totally different for me right now, school is real crap, i think im gonna get into big big big trouble in school in the morning, i cant do nothing about it,i love her
nights!!!

Now Playing: ...
she's online, she tried to talk to me, but i just couldnt take it anymore, i really want her, i realy do, i cant bare to talk to her, she's the girl i love, and now were just friends, we used to be together, and now, im scarred, and im really sry for not talking to you right and all feli, and if you really feel like how ur nick describe, im sry, i feel way worst than you, ive lost hope in everything, everything i do, right now, i jsut need to stop myself from thinkin of you , been thinkin of you real deeply for many many hours now, i just love you so damn much.
im off to meet clement and azrii now,i hope i wont be an ass when im with them
out.

Now Playing: screwed
life just sucks dont it, i really lost hope in everything now, i went a carpark rooftop after going to esso delifrance to get a couple of curry puff and ate it at seng kang park while talking to clement. it was about 12am+, i didnt know what to do, as soon as clement hung up the phone, i started thing again, i thought of everything, i went to a carpark rooftop, which had a great view of a mini river in the dark, the moon was perfact, and there's stars, i jsut stared at the moon, thinking of everything that had ever happened to me since i was young, my family was screwed up ever since i was born, then i started reflecting when i was p3 in malaysia, and all of those shits, but, that didnt affect me alot, when i thought of her, i just think and think and think while watching the moon slowly travelling behind the buildings, everything that we ever done together, will nvr happen again, every kiis that she gave me, ill nvr get them again, she's the only thing i love the most, more than friends, more than family, what the hell, i dont even like my family, , i really love her, i reall thought we could last, but we didnt, i just layed down, staring at the sky, the moon, the stars, till the sky turned bright, i just lost hope in everything, didnt go to school for 3days now, dotn know what will i do when i go to sch tmr, who cares. she have hurt me so damn bad, i nvr thought i would be like this, i thought ill just be disapointed for a while and be happy all over again, now i know, that ill nvr be cheered anymore, i jsut suck, climbed the 17storey builiding again, it sucks, went home at bout 8am, as soon as i opened the door, my freaking mom started shoutin again, i couldnt be less bothered, i just layed on my bed, letting her shout and hit me, but as soon as she mentioned 'her' name, i shouted, took my hp from her hand and pushed her out of the door, i dont know what ive become, should i jsut die and stop causing all this shit?i dont know, i jsut dont want to cause anymore shit in others life, life's screwed up, then when i went to sleep, i remembered this clearly, i dreamt that
she came to my house to hang out, i just kept quiet, she was sittin on my bed fidling the computer, i was lying behind her, didnt know what to do, then she layed beside me, i looked at her, then kissed her in the lips, didnt think she would like it, but she kissed me back, after that, i held her hands and asked her if we could be back together but see each other lesser this time, she said, yes, followed by a'i love u' and a kiss,
how i wish it was for real, i woke up tearing again, i really love her so damn much, and she just want to be friends, and pretend nothing had ever happen, i cant do that, i can only do that if ive lost interest in her, but i havent lost interest in her, and nvr will, now that ive lost her, i cant move on, i hope i could, but every motivation in life has just disappeared, even during pk jams, they all were pking and all, i didnt do much, didnt have the motivation and kept telling too tired, but i did a few things to disguise it, all that i can do now is have a little hope, hope that she would come back, even though there's no hope in it, i mean, y would she wanna be back together, she loves her life this way, not with me, cuz all i ever did is screw up her life,
i want her, real badly, im lost, i just hope i can pick myself up, but, there's to look forward to, now that shes gone, now i really wish damn hard that i would just die and stop causing shit

Now Playing: ...
she came online, we talked and she said sry for every thing , and i asked, what did you do, she said u should know,
then she said she had to go offline cuz she had something to do,
from there, i know that she dosnt care bout me nomre, she dont love me, she acts as if nothing had ever happened, she have her life back,her life is great,and i have my life back, and my life is even more screwed up, nothing to look forward to, life is just crap for me, i hate myself, i love her, and now she's gone, i dont even have her love, i really care for her, i hope she wont ever care for me,cuz that'll just screw her life up again,i miss her so much,i went to a carpark rooftop and saw her walking to sch with her friend for sinda tuition, she was laughing and having a good time, im glad that she's happy, ill nvr have her in my life anymore, i hate myself,
im off to somewhere, i dont know where, and i dont think ill ever come home tonight, life's screwed up,i just hate myself so damn much, y did she even showed me love in the 1st place?i guess she jsut want to feel relationships, guess gettin into one is a disadvantage in her life, i nvr seen her so bright before when we're hangin out with kat and clement the other day, i guess she's truely happy now, im just glad, love is all about happiness isnt it? but i was always happy when im with her, not her, and now, she's happy to be this way, ive totally lost hope in everything now, i dont know, i need sometime alone, ill be out, dont think ill come home today, nights.

...
Now Playing: all i ask for is just for you to come back
I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HERI MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER I MISS HER
been playing with sticks the whole time, still havent coplete my poem yet, im gonna be in big trouble tmr in school, no MC for friday and monday, havent done my math and lit hw, no excuse for not attending extra class and cca, life is just crap, i just want her, and i think everything will be ok if she comes back, cuz if she comes back, so will my motivation,right now, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, theonly thing i look forward to to hang out with them, i guess im the no brainer one after all, i cannot take this life no longer, it's just crap for me, i dont know what to do about it, being stupid is 1 thing, but me not going to school regularly, not payin full attention to my studies, not taking part in school events, just makes me feel useless, i dont think im worth a living, i just making others life harder, i dont know, i dont know what to do right now,it's just hard, i cant seem to study, i cant seem to get along with any1 besides them, im lost, i just need her, i love her, i really do, i want her all over again, life is now meaningless, im never good at anythin, studies, and everything else,i dont know, i cant move on, no matter how hard i try,i hope i do, at the same time, i wish she would come back, i miss her smile, her kiss, her eyes, her cheeks, i miss holdin her hands,, playing with her hair, i miss poking her cheeks, i miss looking at her, i miss admiring her kindness, her cuteness, i miss er love, i miss her, no one can explain how much i love her, not even myself, i hate myself, alot, i jsut wish i would die from an accident soon, i wish i'll nvr wake up the next morning, i wish i would jsut fall and die straightaway while climbing a buildin , i wish i would have the guts to kill myself, i wish god would do something about all this shit ive been through, life just sucks, and im off to have a walk.

lavender-> bishan-> bishan stadium->home.....WTF!!VOIDDECK DAREDEVILS!!!
Now Playing: after today, im just sure that i cant get her off my mind permanantly, or even for a while
WTF?!!!VOIDDECK DAREDAVILS!!! STUPID PAPERS!!
it was a good day,,i think, wass too tired to update it last night , so here's what happened yesterday

couldnt sleep, thinking of her, till it was 8+in the mornin, met ashton, hatta, clement, azrii at the mrt station and went to angela's place to print out somethin(freaking poem) after watchin hatta playing with the hamster, we left to J8 to eat, angela and clement ate, and all along, she was in my mind, no matter how hard i try to get her off.
then we went to lavander, azrii did some sick stuff there, backflip on a pipe, if he falls down, down to the monsoon drain, but he didnt, so im glad that he's alive, a new freerunner came and fell down, got his ankle swollen pretty bad, hatta anela and i took a taxi to bishan to send him home, to his ant's place(mom's overseas) then the rest of the freerunners had to go to bishan hotspot to pk, there were about 20 freerunners i think, during that time, i tried so damn hard not to think of her, but i just had to think of her, angela saw and ask y am i still upset, i just had to say, nothing or something like that, at bout 6+almost every1 left, except for faggy, clement, shafiq, hatta, azrii, angela ashton, and myself, after eatin dinner at mac, angela piggy-back me out the mall, then we walke dall the way to bishan stadium making funny and stupid noises, i joined in jsut to distract myseelf from thinkin of her, we all slacked at and layed on the road opp bishan stadium, like homeless bunch of gays, azrii hatta practiced walking on 10 poles, and they did it,,felt happy for them, then the rest were swingin their hands till they lose control, it was fun and funny, i didnt join in cuz i wa slooking at azrii walking on it
the best part i really enjoyed was when we all were just laying down on the road staring at the sky, it was fun, they were talking and talking, angela was being a reetard singin along with her songs, i tried my very best to act normal, but every time i stared at the moon, i imaigined that she was beside me, but nah, that'll never happen, it was jsut nice, althogh ive got lotsa work o do, i just felt carefree at that moment, besides thinking of her, it's like, i started thinking of my school work when i got home, it was about 12mid when i reached home, thnks to ashtno, we took taxi, THNKS HATTA!!FOR PIGGY BACK ME ALL THE WAY TO THE MAIN ROAD!!it was fun, i dont know why, i just enjoy being piggy back alot, owwel,
i really treasure all that moment with they all, we all helped one another in a way, they all certainly helped me distract myself from what ever going on in my mind, i wont forget this day, i mean, it's just like those carefree days in malaysia, all we do is slack after school, play around, and did well in school, that's impossible in singapore, u have to not slack to do well,
i didnt go to school today despite a stupid math test, was too tired and couldnt even lift my armsat ease, i was tired last night, but couldnt stop thikni of her, didnt get enought sleep,
owwell, my life's screwed up anyway, im really startin to give up with my life, it's like, not that im always out and coming back home late everyday, but in school, im totally different, im like a dead fish, walking around aimlessly, cannot get anything into my head, i mean, i tried, i tred so damn hard to revise and all, but i dont know, it's hard, i just want her so badly, but i know ill nvr have her, even though she's treating me like a good friend, but how can she pretend that nothing had ever happen, life just sucks, it's like, i was in hell before her, then came to heavan for 5 months then went back to a deaper hell after that, that's how im feleling now, im gonna get somemore rest now, body feeling weak, life suck, i envy the rest who has a stable background, just wish that i was born like that.

scarred
no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i pretend, no matter how hard i try to distract myself, ill nvr get over it,sometimes i ask myself, whyt did i get into this things?then i thought, u were the only1 who made me feel truely happy,like ive known you for a hundred years, and u know i NEVER DID like girls after what that FUCKING BITCH did to me, i hated and ignored all thoses girls besides Kat, but since u came, you made me truely happy,you made me feel like there's something to look forward for every morning, i slept late just to talk to you, i woke up early just to see you online, u made me feel that way, when im in a really fucked up family and shit going on around me. i jsut love you so much, i kept on holding on to the phone everyday after scool,hoping that you would call,i didnt eat well, not untill you call,ur my only source of joy and i love you so much.
i cant sleep well, ive been dreaming of you for 6 days straight now, and each time waking up tearing about it, i dont know if guys are supposed to do that but, i guess im a gay after all in this kinda matters, i dont have anything to look forward now, everything else is a distraction for me from thinking deeply of you, but now, i just feel truely alone, i dont know why im waking up the next day, i dont know why i should be online, i dont see why i need a phone, i dont have anything to look forward to in school, i guess the only thing i look forward now is hangin out with plod, hatta, clement,azrii,spook, angela and the rest of the freerunners, they are the only one who can prevent me from thinking of all those times we spent together, especially angela, she made me feel that, she feels the same way as i do, or worst, but she still laughs and gay aroundwith all of us, and i just thought i should be like her, ive done a good job so far,even though u were still in my mind like u just told me 5minutes ago, but as soon as they are all gone, i fished up again,i feel really crap till my head hurts alot, i guess angela is strong with this kind of things, im jsut trying to be like her, im really thankful to hang out with they all, they just made me stop thinkin deeply of you for that moment. and i dont think any1 could do that, especially in school, everyone is so fucked, those irritants in class, i jsut hope i wont burst out at them, u've seen me in school, im so dead there, i dont know what else to do, i gave up hope.
that's because i really love you, and i want you so much, but i cant have you, but at the same time, i really care for you way more than i care for any1 else, i care for your hapiness, i just care for you too much, and you chose to be this way, i cant do anything about it but to hope that you'll come back. now, i just appreciate those guys whom i hang out at the beach with, and really thankful, i just hope what i feel will fade away, and leave you alone, if that'll make you feel happy. for now, i only can sit and think of you, hoping that you would call and said you feel the same way that i do, but i know that'll nvr happen for you've got back what u once had, a stable family, and friends. im jsut glad that you're happy, im scarred for life, and i jsut hope i at least give a truthful smile once again. since that day, i can see that there's alot of people who feels the same way as i do, just that they take things way better than i do. i jsut want to thank every1 who's been there to distract me, and gay around with.
ill nvr stop loving you

Fun, great, but she's still in my thoughts, day
Now Playing: why cant i stop thinking of her no matter how hard i try not to??!!
today was, let me explain what i did today,,yepps,
i woke up, updated me blog,and she came online!!!!!chat wit her for awhile, and appologies for me behaviour last night, cuz she was trying so hard to talk to me and all, but i was just quiet and all,i didnt know what to react or do, cuz i just love her so damn much,haiyahs, then my cousin smsed me and asked me if i wanna go to ecp, i agreed, wanted to call the rest but i thought they sure will hang out till late so i didnt, cuz my cousin cant go home late, took a train and a bus there, i was there, my gundu cousin slizer took bus and stopped at THE OTHER SIDE of ecp, so i walked towards his direction and he walked towards my direction, bout 15mins later, we saw eachother and went to mac to eat, i didnt bring money so i stole his fries, aaaand before meeting himm,angela smsed and invited me to ECP to flip ard,,,and i was already there, i felt good that they came,they came about 4+,an hour before i met slizer, so we gayed around, it was real fun, i mean, i cant describe the feeling but, i jsut felt good, hatta learnt an aerial twist, and also a DUPPLA WITH THE 1ST TRY!!!!!!!!wooohooo!!!,,,inspired me,,,it was real fun, and i was glad, now i got inspiration to learn a perfact duppla,,,congrats hatta!!the rest were fun, spooks drew pictures on the sand, it was nice,,haha,hatta was still fun and gayishly funny, angela was gay and fun and gay,, plod did a whipback, it was nice,,and im still a gay poseur, managed to do a frontsoomer dismount, and got back my backsommer,,,i felt good,then at bout 7 we went to mac and ate our dinner, i had to bag clement for 5bucks, i didnt have money, spooks crack some racist jokes, it was lame, haha,, jc jokes,,then after that we went to a near by area to slack, there ewre skaters, hatta taught me some stick tricks and he was damn good with it,STICK TRICKS!!!!i was so into staffs and all, n now, he taught me some cool stick tricks, it was hard to learn, n ill tell u why in a while, but it ws fun, im was really hooked to it, then i borrowed a skate board, it was fun, being a poseur, dont even know how to skate well, i really missed skating, the guys were friendly, we slacked there till lights off, which is about 10, they all were really fun, then spook, clement, angela piggy-bag me to the bus stop talking turns, that just reminds me of primary school, we used to piggy-bag each other acroos the field before and after recess, waited for the bus, hatta was nuts as usual,
told some ghost stories in the bus, they were lame, spooked them out well with stupid joke, haha, i scored!!i had a good time today, but it's all hard for me, cause i was trying really hard to stop thinkin of her, but i cant seem to do that, cause after they all left, i began to think deeply of her, the things we all did together, those fun time, and it just hurts knowing that i cant have it again, and that's why i appreciate alot gayinh around with angela, clement , hatta, plod , spooks and all, i mean, i dont know, i just felt that it's balanced,everyone of us have a different character, and they really made me have a good time,,im looking forward to gay ard with they all again, and why i had a hard time learnin stick tricks?it's because, i saw the moon, and it's exactly the same shape when the both of us were together on a bench, she got into trouble because of me, because we lost control and forget about the time, she went home at bout 12am and we had a test the next day,, i jsut couldnt stop thinking about it, and i was distractin myself with the stick. in the end, in the bus, i just recalled back everything, and appreciate every single on of them, owwel, im tired, gotta be at angela's house tmr to print out the poem shit, craaaaaaaaaps, ANGELA READ MY POEM!!i know it sux, well,, and that means, she reads my blog too, owwel, i dont mind, as long it's a form of entertainment for u guys,,,,,weeeeelllllllm overall, i had a good time today, but she still have my heart, i jsut love her damn so much, people say that i'll get over it, i hope , i hope, but how to get over somethin that u really want, she's jsut my form of motivation,i dont know, but she glowed in my eyes last night, it's like, i nvr see her before, nvr see how amazing she is, i dontk now, i guess i jsut miss her so damn much, owwel, im gonna bathe eat, and sleep,,
hope that she will call me and say that we'll be together again------NAH!!THAT'LL NVR HAPPEN(i hope it will)
nights then!!!!!!!!!
PS:my mom just come home,,pestering time!!!!!

her
Now Playing: She glowed in my eyes like never before, guess this is what true love is about huh?
I woke up today and found myself tearing again, i dreamt that we were at a busstop, she was beside me, 'u dont have a girlfriend right?' she asked, then i kissed her, it felt so real, and i said ' i have a girlfried',,, men how i wish that's for real again, i miss everything about her, she's my 1st and last love, if i ever get together with any1 else, i'll nvr be faithful to that person, cause in my heart, ill always think of her when im with that person, i miss her so damn much, but i cant to anything besides having a little hope that we would be back together, at the samew time, im sure it'll nvr happen, cuz whenever she's with me, she's always unhappy, i just care for her happiness, i dont care bout what i feel, bout what i want, and about my happiness, i somply gave up hope on myself, now all i have is tricking, and parkour in life, i just wish that she would want us to be together again, that's the only tiny hope i have, well, i have more to say but im gonna get ready to go to the beach with me cousin and azrii, my cousin wanna learn flips, so yeah, will update it soon later on,
PS:shhhhhhhhhit, havent complete my poem asignment yet,,,,arrghh crap,,,there's always tmr

She's stood beside me, and i watched her walk away
Now Playing: dont know what to say
today, at bout 3,+, met clement, we trained frontsommer together, i got it, i think, well, i dont really care, then went off to cp at 6+ met kat and her in the library. i was nervous, i didnt know what would i do when met her, i mean, i really love her so damn much, and now, i only can see her as a friend, well,, met them in the library, i just didnt want to look at her face, i was afraid that i would burst out and all, i jsut didnt know how to react, so i kept queit and try to talk to them and all, then after watching kat eatin at mos burger, we went to slack near 7eleven, did a few flips at the hip-height ledge. men, that's not important, i just , didnt know what to feel when she was playing and talking to me, i really love her so damn much, and i jsut want us to be back together, cause that's the thing that'll make my smile real, after watchin her like that, i guess being like this does make her feel happy, i just felt damn heart brokened, i mean, it jsut really hurts alot, cause, i dont just love her, i really want her, i care for her, and my love for her is more than just love, i really just love her so much, and i cant face the fact that we're just friends, we hanged out til ten, then her brother's friend came, kat went home before that, and in between that, she just listen to my discman, it's like, she dont even want to talk to me, and being with me makes her unhappy, it just really hurts alot, but like i said, i didnt know what to feel, should i feel happy that she's at least my friend?should i feel crap that i have my life back?i dont know, then her bro's frined sat at a diff place, she went with them, clement and i just play ard the railing, then she went home with the rest, and, i jsut felt real,,i dont know, watching her just walk away really feels crap, its not that she didnt say bye or anythin, she did, but i really wanted to be with her, i really want things to be like last time again, ive been dreaming and most of the time, cant sleep in the night, i cant concentrate in school work, i cant do anything right anymore, life is just screwed up, i dont know if she feels the same way as i do, but since today, im very sure that ill nvr be happy in my life again, all my smiles can be seen faked,and everything else just changes, i really hope she'll come back, cause that's the only thing that will make me feel that life's worth living.and i have a freaking cca tmr,, I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT.

FISH FISH FISH!
Now Playing: WTF!!I CANT SLEEP!!!
It's 840 in the morning now, and i didnt go to school, i stayed up the whole night, trying to stop thinin of her, i just couldnt stop thinkin of her, after the poem i wrote, tried to sleep, but her face, her smile, her laugh was in my head, i tried so hard to sleep, and i found myself trying to sleep at 610am, my mom told me to go to school, i didnt want to, im just too tired and lazy, I DIDNT SLEEP THE WHOLE NIGHT!!!i was having a headache all along, from the backsommer bail, it still hurts pretty bad, and i cant seem to sleep, owwel, and by the way, i cant edit my blog, as in, i cant delete my previous post, the duplicate one. aaaaaaaaaaand, i starting to think that im just plain old lazy, i mean, i dont know, i didnt go to school today , it just sucks, the feeling, owwel, i dont know if im gonna meet'her' at 7pm later on, probably not, i dont want to burst out crying in front of her, life just sucks

literature poem bout myself
Now Playing: 3am and i got bout 2 hors to sleep, nights!!
im just sixteen,
and life's a crap,
It's just part of being a screwed up teen,
and im just whacked.

Freerunners call me NC,
and im just plain lazy,
never rich with money
but always trying to get MC.

It's just a meaningless poem,
im just rhyming what people think i am
i just smile at most of'em
Cause i am, whatever they think i am.

the streets are my trainin spots
and i hate living a normal life,
knowing this sports
really makes me feel that i have a life

freerunning is a passion,
and i dont care what others think
because im not into fasion,
and im not what people think.

having a team called family,
and having a loved one called Feli
they are the things i wished for personally
but i still dont think i deserve it, entirely

imposible,
that i havent said a thing about myself,
this poem is definately unsensible,
may seem that way, but ive just described a lil bout bout myself,

i dont know what im living for myself,
and im a poet now myself
but how can a poet writes a thing about himself,
when he dont even understand his life, nor himself
it's just hard to lie about oneself
if he dont even know what to lie itself

i just wish everyday
that i would not wake up the next day,
im just that way
and there's nothing more to say

to end this confusion,
and to end the night
i shall finnish off this reflexion
with one more rhyme tonight

this is the best i could do,
hopefully this will do
and without further ado
i just hope this is good enough for you.

oh god
Now Playing: i miss her admn so much
oh god, i went to the letter box, saw her letter, and my heart was, like, i teared a little, she sent me a valentine card, saying that she love me n miss me , and she even gave $30 popular vaucher, i felt really really useless, cuz i only caled and wished her, i dont know what else to do, ive caused nothing but trouble to her, that's y she just want to be friends now, i miss her so much, and even more, ive lost her tickets, and she's gonna be in big trouble because of that, im iseless to every1, i dont know, i feel crap right now, n i have to finnish a stupid poem for literature class, well, im off, going out to write the poem and to delifrance or somethin, to get chicken fillet fer me mom,nights!

craaaap
Now Playing: y do i always trouble others!!!!!
today in sch, was completely crap for me, woke up in the mornin , after dreaming of her, then went to school, nothing much happened, but my malay teacher came up to me and asked me what's wrong, she said it's been a week and my heart is akways not in the class during her lesson, i said nothing was wrong, cuz, i dontk now what's wrong with me even. I just miss her and couldnt stop thinkin of her and those dreams i had. Havent done my poem yet, had to hand in tmr at 5, ill do tmr then, after sch, i practiced a backsommer dismount to relief me from all those anger and frustation i have, but i was backfired, i didnt jump far and my head hit hard in the ledge, it really hurts and im feeling damn uneas now, but at least i made a lil imptovement, i went home, slept till 8 then found out that 'she' sent me a friendster msg, sayin that she really need the tickets badky,TICKET!!!!I SEARCHED THE WHOLE FREAKING HOUSE BUT STIL COULDNT FIND THEM!!i cannot take it anymore, im sick of causing trouble to others, especially her, she's been shit because of me, and now, for the tickets, it's gonna be a polce report and all, haiyahs, life jsut sux, i couldnt take it nomore, been a pig lately, been eatin and eatin, i dont feel comfertable with myself, i dont know what to do anymore, she sad she left something in my letter box during valentines day,, so i think im gonna chaek it out now, nights!!

occupied
Now Playing: this is damn long:P
I was too tired to post last night so here's what i did yesterday, scholl is real crap for me, i cant seem to talk or at least try to pretend to be happy like i used to. i was quiet n couldnt stop thinking of her, i really miss her and want her back real badly, but that's only a dream now, ive been dreaming of her everyday since the day she left me, well, at least im still with her in my dream.
went to beach with azrii n clement after sch, tricked there, learnt a backsommer dismount, n clement learnt a whipback, n bailed landed on his neck, poor guy, but he's ok, then angela frinch n her friend came, we went to MAC to slack , at bout 9+we left home, nothing much happened, but it was great, at least it distracted me, it was kinda fun, azrii helped me with my whipback, and im damn thnkful and happy because of that, always wanted to do, we all went home with clement having freerun cips, azrii still in the thinking state, frinch angela being neutral and me, still thinkin of her deeply,, azrii told me that true love isnt bout taking, it's about giving, no matter if she hates you or loves you, you must always do what she wants, even if it hurts alot and always treat her the way u always treat her, i kept that in mind, but i still miss her and love her alot, clement
i met kat at daubeghaut mrt station, then went to seng kang, n went to 7eleven to have supper together, i just felt that i love kat so much, i mean, not love as in BGR, but i care for her, i dont know why, i just look forward to seing her smile and her being herself, it just made me feel like, there's some1 that i really care for. we gayed ard for bout 20 mins
and went home, kat took a taxi cuz she missed the bus cause of me:Psry!!as soon as kat left, i felt fished up again, haiyahs. well, at least i have friends, not forgeting jason, he's azrii friend and we'll be hanging soon, will be glad to gay ard with u jason!!

valentine with Kat and Rey
Now Playing: It's imposible to get over her
Well, i met rey n kat at punggol park, n i was supposed to be at pasiris with plod n the rest of the freerunners, but it was dark, and i dont know how to get there, the three of us just chilled at punggol park, and i couldnt stop thinking of her, i jsut had to call her n wish her a happy valentine day, i felt like crying when i heard her voice, laughin away with her brothers, i just felt, i mean, i dont know how to feel, i feel glad for her but i was heart broken that i couldnt have her nomore. It's just realy hard and i tried damn hard to pretend that im OK with everything, and i did a good job on it, rey left at bout 8 after eating a whipped potato he bought at 7eleven, kat and i bought drinks with rey's money, then kat and i had a heart to heart talk, it seems she felt the same way as i felt, it just feels good to know that someone knows how you're feeling, or something like that. Then we walked to compasspoint, which is about 6 busstops away. We cut through a field, it was strange, i looked at the moon n wished that she would call, AND SHE DID!!!!!i didnt know why she called, dont know if she wanted the donation tickets i owed her, or maybe she was really thinking of me-i wish. well,,we didnt say noting much, but i was tearing inside, i love her so damn much, after she hung up, kat n i bought food n sit ard while i trick, did a few stuff,,then head to the clinic to get kat a MC n went home. I was a little distracted, but soon after Kat left, i began being gay over her again, I TEARED!!!i thought i wouldnt, but i did, i guess ill nvr get over her huh, well, that's it. I just hope she would call me, n i really wish that we would get back together, i just love her so damn much, wel, im tired now, so,,,nights!!

Now i know that my life has changed because of her
Now Playing: Moonsault dismount, tricking is the only thing that'll make me feel good just for that moment
She has broken my heart, i mean, seriously, i cant even try to smile in school today, i dont know why, but i was really crying inside, couldnt get anything into my head, was thinking of her the whole day, n feel crap about it, almost every1 in my class asked me who was i so quiet, i said im just tried from yesterday, but they knew taht something was troubling me. I saw her walking up the stairs after recess, i sudently teared, i tried to controled, but i couldnt, i jsut covered my face with a tshirt i always carry along, i was so damn heart broken, she doesnt even want to look at me, i hope she's happy now, i dont know if i ever can at least smile in school, i mean, i just think she dont care about me now, since she wanted to be this way, i made alot of sacrifice too, but, she's different, she had lotsa loved one, it's really hard to explain how much i love her, n now, i dont think she feels the same way too, sch ended at 2.20pm after 4 long free periods in the study area, then did the science test , i couldnt be bothered, had a headache, my heart aches, i jsut kept on thinking of her, i dont know if ill pass the test, but i really ltried to study, but jsut couldnt, well , i hope she's happy, i mean, with her life, she get's back her life, n i got mine back, but this time, with a scatered and broken heart. I dont know wut else to say, but im meeting my good friend Kat in a park for valentines at 6, ill update it when i come back. And i hope i can at least smile for Kat, it's just strange, when im with Plod , angela and the rest, i had a lil fun, i dojnt know why, i guess i jsut feel i need to cuz Angela is feels way worst than i am, i dont quite know, but somehow , i jsut feel life is worth a living when im hanging n gaying around with them,,well,, better go bathe n leave, will update it later at night!