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Fingers-My life, without her.
Friday, 4 March 2005

Now Playing: i miss her, FELI!!IF UR READING THIS SOMEHOW,, I LOVE YOU!!!and now you know how much u mean to me,,and i hope i mean the same w
4 am ,,and i find myself leaving mtv on in the hall and staring at the ceiling while lying down on my bed thinking of her again,,and tearing again,,,im obsessed over her,,,strong affections,,,why does human feel this way?why must human love?cant they just have sex and reproducee and get married to any1 once they feel it's the right age without having any affection for the opposite sex,,,,i guess it's part of human survival huh,,,,everytime i see her,,my heart skips a beat,,,everytime i see her,,my palm sweat,,everytime when i with her,,,i forget the world and i dont know what's going on around me,,,,,i have such strong affection and love for her,,,,and i dont think she feels the same way anymore,,,,,,,i thought i would nvr be jealous if any guys are around her,,,but i did felt it,,i felt jealous,,,but i knew that showing my jealousy is just plain old stupid,,,,come to think of it,,,i think every1 feels jealous when they're loved once is with another guy or girl joking and having fun,,,that's when brain comes in,,,understanding,,,and all of that,,,i think ppl who doesnt feel at least a little jealousy when their loved ones is having fun with others of the opposite sex,,,doenst love the so called' loved ones' . cause,,it's plain old human instict,,,i mean,,,it's like,,u really like something,,and some1 else has it,,even for that moment,,,u would feel jealous now wouldnt you?,,,im not making this jealousy a big thing,,,but just to get the msg across,,that i am jealous when she's with others,,,and i did tell her,,but i also tell her taht i dont mind,,i mean,,i am jealous,,but that's when trust comes in,,,i trust her,,,and i love her,,,,but seriously,,i dont think she loves me anymore,,,no more affection for me,,,nomore love,,,just that,,,i cant live without her,,and i dont think time will make me forget stuff,,,MY GOD,,8 YEARS OF FAMILY CRAP,,,AND I STILL CANT FORGET THE VERY 1ST DAY OF CHAOS IN THE HOUSE,,,,and i hate them,,,but still i cant foeget,,,,and this,,i love,,i love and ill always love,,how can i forget?it's like,,,when ever im alone,,ill start thinking of her,,,and whereever i go and what ever i watch,,,i see and imagine that the things i saw was her,,,it's like,,i apply her in everything now,,,,cant stop thinkin about her,,well,,,3hours before school officially starts for me,,,and crap,,and chaos,,,and punnishments,,,and humiliations,,and all of many other negative shits,,secondary school isnt like primary school anymore,,,so carefree and yet get good marks overall,,,so easy to get distracted from all those shit i faced in my family,,,family-liked friends,,,romel, rey, and farhan,,,all of them are foreigners,,just like me,,philiphine, indonasia and brunai respectively,,,,,,my age group,,,,but it's like,,,i was distracted in the day,,,and always feeling shit about myself in the night,,,and ive just realised that i was like taht ever since i became cautious of myself,,,,and now,,im always trying to be distracted in the day,,and feeling shit in the night,,,GODDDDD,,,PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS DO SOMETHING TO MY LIFE!!!!PLS !!!THE LEAST U COULD DO IS TO END IT!!!OR YOU COULD MAKE MYLIFE BETER THAN WHAT IT IS,,,,ORR,,,,jsut give me her heart,,,because,,,always,,,,when im always thinking about all those shit that had happened in my life,,id think of her,,then all of my troubles jsut fades away,,knowing that im loved,,but know,,,she said that we're together,,but i dont know if she loves me anymore,,,cuz,,,she's the one who wants us to jsut be friends,,,and then,,she wanna patch up again,,,cuz she thinks im feeling like shit again because of her,,and she thinks that getting into this relationship again would make me feel happy,,,getting into this relatinship is one,,but having her heart is another,,,i want her heart,,,she have my heart,,,im not sure if i have her heart,,,i want her heart,,,,,it's like,,,im sending signals to her,,,but she aint doing the same to me anymore,,,,ohh godd,,what's happenin to me,,,i cant stop tearing,,,,,,,,,later on in school,,it's gonna be shit,,i hope they wont bring me down even more,,i odnt know how ill be in school,,i jsut hope that ill be the same old me,,,and guess whhhhhatttt!!!!sudently,,i want cigareetes,,,argghhhhh,,,,,cigarettess!!!!but nah,,,i aint a smoker,,dont want to be,,dont plan to be,,but just gay around when im with frineds,,,my friends arent bad company,,,they're friendly,,,funny,,very very very fun to hang out with,,share the same interest,,and jsut carefree,,,and,,,they make me feel that i shouldnt spoil the mood,,by feeling shit and jsut keeping quiet,,,im tryin my best to do that,,,and i did,,even on the phone,,,i talked to kat as per normal,,,,thnks so much god,,for giving me this strength back,,,to pretend,,,
nights then,,update it after schooooooool..

Posted by fingers at 4:31 AM WST
Updated: Friday, 4 March 2005 4:41 AM WST
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Now Playing: ....
just come back from jogging,,i cant seem to get myself tired,,im bored,,,frinch is online,,he dont talk much,,,im annoying angela,,,she dont talk much,,at leasta lil,,dont want to bug her,,,,cant stop thinking of her,,trying to do everything to make me stop thinking of that now,,,gonna make coffey with 1 spoon of sugar!!!

Posted by fingers at 2:12 AM WST
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Thursday, 3 March 2005

Now Playing: muscle achessssss
just did my sets of situps,,,doesnt seem to help,,,buuut WHOCARES!!!! im just after the pain and muscle aches,,,it distracts me,,,yeps,
i miss her,,she means alot to me,,,,im startin to think going back to school tmr isnt a good idea,,,,i mean,,ill get into trouble,,,i just hope i wont burst out when teacher's scoldin or some irritants annoying me,,,well,,i hope that'll happen,,,well,,i hope to see her tmr,,i miss her damn much,,nights,,im gonan try to sleep ,,if i can only stop thinking for a second,,,nights..

Posted by fingers at 11:20 PM WST
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Now Playing: i lover her
it's 920,,i didnt meet vespers,,im sick,,not feeling too good,,,i want her,,,i love her,,she dont seem to show mlove to me anymore,,,i dont blame her,,memories that time cannot erase,,,i hope those memories will become reality again,,i hope i get to kiss her and hold her and be with her like th eway we used to, with she feeling the same way back,,,somehow,,i jsut felt the intensed love when i was with her,,,it was so strong,,and mostly we dont know what we were doing,,,at least i didnt know waht was i doing,,i dont know about her,,,,,im too afraid to face the truth,,i cant stop loving her,,,,,,oh god,,i dont know how to explain,,i miss her damn so much,,i hope i get to see her tmr,,i hope i can see her face again,,i hope,,,i jsut hope,,,,,and im sure some1 else like her too,,i sensed and saw it,,i want her to be happy,,if not being with me makes her happy,,,ill be all alone,,having friends that only want to be friends with me cause they want to learn things,, having good friends such as the team makes me feel lowest,,they're always treating me food and stuff,,being with kat only makes me feel useless,,,she's so perfact,,and im totally screwed,,they're all different from when im with her,,,
being with her is just different,,my heart skips a beat,,,i feel so damn carefree,,,what ever that's in my mind just fades away,,,i suddently feel light,,,i feel that,,,some1 actually loves me,,,,i feel,,words cant describe how i truely feel
she makes me feel that way,,i dont know if i should type it as 'made' or 'makes',,,cuz she said we're together now,,but i dont feel like we are,,,and i dont think i make her feel the same way as i do when we're together,,,im never good enough for any1,,but now all i can do is to pretend,,,like my preveous entry,,,i hope i can do it,,,i love her,,with all my heart,,i can only wish and hope to have her heart back.

Posted by fingers at 9:39 PM WST
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Now Playing: hope,,her,,team,kat,vespers.not myself
ive decided,,ive decided to start new again,,although there's no hope, it's better trying then not trying at all,,,,,my future,,,i want to help vespers,,i want her for life,,,even though i cant,,ill just be happy to see her,,,there's something in life where you can nvr get,,and i think love is what ill nvr get forever formyself,,,,ill nvr have love for myself,,,i only care for her,,and kat,,and the team and the freerunners,,,those are the ppl that showed me love,,,,love in many ways,,,,and i just spit it out at their face by being the me now,,,,im gonna start anew,,,in school that is,,,being in school makes me feel useless,,but not being in school at all,,makes me feel even more worst,,,express,,,that's the thing im aiming for,,i want to maintain in express stream,,,but it's ok if i cant,,,cause,,,the only reason i want to be in express is to lift my pride,,but pride is not important to me anymore,,,i jsut want to be better than what i am,,,i want to let go of all my ego,,,and ill try mybest to do that,,but i know,,along the way,,,ill have obbstecles,,ill have to face things,,i see life in diablo's view,,,everytime when you train up,,u get a new skill,,and everytime u nvr,,ur skill just stays there,,,and everytime you die,,u start over again,,,nto far from where you left,and everytime there's a quest for you to do, that's when you have a goal in ur life,,onec completed, u move on to the nx quest,,the monsters are every1 around you,,those are the ppl who hates you and want to bring you down,the camp area,,is ur loved ones,,you do quest for them,and not for urself,,and everytime you do,,u get reward,,just like in life,,life is jsut like that,,,it's like a game,,im gonna treat life as that now,,,and i thank all this to azrii,,he has taught me many things in life,,,he made me the person i am this second,,,feli taught me to love,,feli gave me love,,feli made mefeel what's like to be loved,,,but love,,,love from any1 else besides feli , kat and the team isnt important to me anymore,,,,i jsut dont give a damn,,,,i hate girls,,ill nvr stop hating them,,,wait,,,if i hate girls ,,im jsut being egoisticle,,,,ok,,i dont hate them,,,but i dont want to be anything more than just neutral frineds,,,,feli is the one i love,,she's my 1st and last true love,,and if i ever get together with any other girl,,,if you see me,,,beat me up to death,,because,,im not being faithful to that girl,,,im just replacing feli using that girl,,but im sure i wont,,cuz i im not what girls want,,girls will nvr lay their eyes on me,,,and im not that inhuman to use girls,,feli,,,it's because i love her,,,i love her heart,,,i dont know how she feels towards me,,,but then again,,it's not about me anymore,,,,it will nvr be about me anymore,,what ever i have , is for others,,not for myself,,,if i ever get interested in studies,,,it wont be for myself,,,but for my loved ones,,,not family,,,but for feli and kat,,i dont know about feli,,but kat made me feel that she cares,,,feli did the same too,,but i dont know if she cares now,,cuz i dont think ill ever have a place in her heart anymore,,,i hope i do,,,cuz if i do,,ill be better than what i am now,,,i just wanna have a bath,,and just start from scratch again,,just like diablo,,,still have the skills when you die,,but no more weapon and armour,,,weapon and armor is trust, and hope in life,,,and just like the game,,,ull have to find weapon and armour or buy them,,just like in life,,ill have to find hope and trust,,and earn it,,,,,the only thing i dont have is ,,patients,,,and time,,,those are the only thing i dont have,,,and trust from my family,,,trust from my family isnt important to me at all anymore,,,when i grow up,,,if my brother's financially stable when he grows up,,and can take care of my so called mother,,,,ill move overseas,,,having a friend there,,i hope azrii's going there,,,cuz maybe i can live in his house wheile i work and earn my new house,,,im gonna start grown up life when im old enough,,when im officially an adult,,,im out of singapore,,,but at the same time,,i want to bring feli along,,but i dont know if she's going overseas to study,,,she told me after secondary school,,she'll be going over seas to study,,,i dont know,,,i cant have her,,,but i just want the best for her,,,i just have to get it straight,,,that it's nvr about me,,,it's not what i want,,but what others want, and what i want for others,,,,,i want the team to be known at least before we grow up,,,i want kat to live a happy life,,succesful, stable and hopefully she'll find true love when she grows up,,that's her dream,,,,feli,,,i want her to be happy,,i want her to be herself,,,i dont want to give misery in her life anymore,,,i want the best for her,,in love, in life, in studies,,in everything,,in love,,i dont care if it's not me, i want her to be happy,,with or without me,,but ill pray it's me,,im not gonna let ppl know the real me,,,im gonna be the me i used to be,,,being that in school is hard,,but ill try,,,ill try,,,and if i want something really badly,,,ill earn'em,,,i dont want ppl to give it to me,,,london trip,,my cousin will be ginvin me 1.5k ,,,but he says he wants effort in studies,,,ill put in effort,,but dont know if i can do well,,,well,,,it's all talkin and typing down what ill do,,i jsut hope ill do'em all,,,i hope,,,gonna start with vespers.that's it,,,i love you feli,,,will nvr stop loving you,,cant stop,,and i will nvr find any interest in any1 else,,,and i dont
mind if u have interest in any1 else,,i dont expect to be loved anymore,,,,,i can only love,,,and care for,,,but i dont expect any of'em in return,,
gonna bathe,,,,and dont think ill be helping vespers out today,,,i need time,,,ill go tmr,,soo,,,see ya.

Posted by fingers at 3:45 PM WST
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Now Playing: ...
i really want to see her badly,,i didnt go to school,,but i really wanted to see her,,but i didnt sleep the whole of last night,,only slept at 7,,,i cant seem to sleep at night now,,i mean,,everytime wheni closed my eyes,,ill imagine her,,and simply tear,,,i miss her,,,and it really hurts alot,,cuz i dont think i have a place in her heart,,i mean,,i dont have that place in her heart,,,i put her above everything in my heart,,,there's alot of girls in vespers,,,normally i will just shut up and mind my own business,,cause i hate them so much,,,but now,,,they annoy me even more,,,they annoy me,,and i just have to open my mouth to make fun of them in a way,,,cuz,,all the girls are the same to me,,she isnt,,,she's like,,,i cant explain how much means to me,,,i cant seem to find at least a little interest in other girls,,i mean,,i dont see anything in them,,,it's like,,,,i love her,,and now im pretty sure she doesnt come online for me anymore,,,i sense that she likes another guy,,,,,,,i just wish for her happiness,,,although i dont believe in happiness without her,,,i just wish for the best for her,,i love her,,and nothing will ever stop me from loving her

Posted by fingers at 2:39 PM WST
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Now Playing: sleepppplessssss
3 am ,and i cant seem to sleep, been thinking of all those things again,,family,,,friends,,and her,,,her especially,,i cant get her off my mind fer even 1 second,,i love her,,and it's freaking hard to eccept that we're now like this,,,,,i dont like living a lie,,my life's a lie,,i nvr get things done,,i dont think i can help vespers,,i think ill screw up things,,im hated in this family,,,and i annoy and hurt friend's feelings,,,iv hurt her,,,and ill nvr forgive myself fer doign that,,,been doing lotsa situps and all those stupid shit,,but nothing seems to help,,,,i used to do sit ups becasue i had anger in me,,the burnin anger,,,now,,,ive lost hope,,,i want her,,it's like,,she turn the fire off in me,,,it's like,,i can only do things when im with her,,when i know that she loves me to the fullest,,but i dont expect that anymore,,i jsut want the best for vespers,,im screwed,,,studies,,,everytime when i think of that,,i just get so lost,,i just get so hopeless,,i jsut give up,,,i hope ill find hope,,,and faith,,,im not strong anymore,,,my skills are deproving,,nothin g can save me now,,,the only thing i can do now is to be normal in front of others,,the reason why i kept on saying that ill be normal in front of others is because i really want ro remind myself whenever im with ppl,,i dont want them to know the real me,,,cuz if they know,,they wouldnt treat me as normal,,,i odnt know if ill be going to school later on,,i dont know,,,i simply dont know,,i dont want to know,,she's there,,but i dont want her to know how im really feeling,,,because,,i dont think i can act normal in school,,i just get easily provoked and frustated at every1 in school,,and when im that,,i wouldnt be able to control my emotions,,i dont know,,being in school makes me feel that im the most screwed person on earth,,,every1 in school makes me feel that way,,and ill go do a flip at the fitnees corner whenever i feel that way,,to think,,,at least ive got flips,,at least im not taht hopeless,,,but now,,even if i do that,,,ill still feel crap,,i dont know why,,i close my eyes now, and her image jsut appeared,,she's so damn adorable,,and beautiful,,,she glows in my eyes,,i love her,,with all my heart,,i just hope she feels the same way to,,
aahhh,,finally,,im startin to feel tired,,,ill update it at night or something

Posted by fingers at 3:16 AM WST
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Now Playing: hidin
im so glad that i could do what ive promised to myself,,,smile joke with others,,with my team,,with vespers,,,was a tiring and chalengin day,,,alot of moves,,,i dont know if i can do it,,,talked to her at about 3,,,and i sensed that she's interested in some other guy,,,i cant blame her,,after all we've done,,,im sur she's bored of me,,i love her,,i gave my heart to her,,,just like what my palm reads,,,my palm says that im the type of person who'll give my heart away to love,,i dont know,,,but everytime when im alone,,ill think of her,,ill think and think,,untill i burst out crying,,,it's a good thing that i canfocus when im with vespers,,,the minute i think of her,,vespers will ask me to practice the routine again,,,but i was thinkin of her every second,, I SWEAR,,,it's like,,she's in the back of my head,,,,and i kept on picturing her,,,every second,,,but i dont think she feels the same way towards me,,another guy has caught her attention an dheart,,,i can blame that,,i love her,,,i want her to be happy,,,,my life's already miserable,,,only when im with her, i feel 100% happy,,,that includes if i get the same feeling back,,,i dont care about myself anymore,,and i dont care if any1 dont like me,,i dont want to get into another relationship,,,i just want her,,,other girls just annoy me,,,,like today,,the rest were annoying me,,and i was pretty rude indirectly to them,,,but hide it with smiles and all,,,i just wish the best for vespers,,,and im comited to it,,,,in the bus alone,,i just felt like crying,,but i held on,,then at home,,i tried act normal,,but things isnt the same anymore,,,iv always hated that gay fag in my house,,,i always hated my mother,,,,,i cant live like that anymore,,the last thing i wanna do in my life for now is to loose her love,,,and to back out in vespers,,,ive already lost her love,,,now all i have is vespers,,for 2 weeks,,,and after the 2 weeks,,i dont know what im living fer,,,im gonna keep myself fit,,,it hurts,,,its tough,,and ass usual,,im tearing again,,wishin for her love,,wishin to see her,,wishin
that we would be together once again,,,wishin that she'll be the one who will live with me,,cause,,if it's not her,,,the girl who'll live with me a living a lie,,,cause,,,i wont truely love her like i love feli,,,and i wont be fond of her as much as im fond of feli,,,and that feeling sucks,,i know,,,,cuz im feeling this way,,but the onl thing i could do is to keep it to myself,,and pretend that nothing happened,,pretend ,,always pretending,,im off to make coffie for myself now,,and then do conditionin,,and then sleep,,,and maybe go to school,,and after school,,back to vespers again,,then,,ill go home,,,and cry again,,see ya then

Posted by fingers at 12:18 AM WST
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Wednesday, 2 March 2005

Now Playing: islam,her,vespers,,the team,,but nvr about myself, at least not anymore
teacher just had to call when i was crying like a gay,,she asked me to come back to school tmr,,i dont know if i will,,i guess i will,,,,just finnish conditionin,,the pain and the strain just reminds me of the old time,,,when i was 100% commited to the team,,i wasnt good at any flips then,,but i was really looking forward to every trainin,,but now,,vespers,,,vespers is what im trainin for,,,i want them to win,,,and im willing to commit myself even though ill have to do all those gay shit,,my stomach's aching,,i havent eat my lunch yet,,only ate 1piece of bread for breakfast,,,but,,,my cousin told me that,,,always eat when ur hungry,,not eat when u feel like eating,,he got that from being religious,,,being a muslim,,i dont know
why,,i jsut feel good being an islam,,it's like,,we fast,,we last more than 12hours without food and water eacher day,,that's amazing for me,then we pray,,and scientist said that the position we move while praying ,,actually stretches our body in a way,,it's like,,all has been figured out even before science exist,,,,,i dont know why,,but my religion really means to me alot,,even though im not religious,,im just feel lucky to be a muslim,,,
that's my religion,,but as usual,,i want her,,i miss her,,all i can do now is just hope that she'll love me the way she used to,,i cant do anything about it,,,i hope things will be back to normal again,,things would be normal for me,,,happy and cheery for others in the day,,,and full of sorrow in the night,,,i guess this is life for me,,,im off to eat my lunch,,my stomach's making funny noises,,,will be back at night or something

Posted by fingers at 1:22 PM WST
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Now Playing: life, a life for others
i can only smile and laugh for the sake of other's happiness,,i can only do things for the sake of others,,i can only joke and gay around so that others will feel happy,,i can only help others and improve myself for the sake of others,,i can only pretend,,and i think i did a pretty good job because i was pretending and i made others think that im ok,,,and after a long day,,i can only find myself crying and tearing and feeling scared and hopeless for myself every night,,thinking of her,,thinking of my life,,thinking of my futureless future,,thinkin of my family,,thinkin of my brother,,,and knowing that nothing i do will change what's fated,,,all i can do now is that,,,every night,,i cry like a baby before i sleep,,feeeling scared,,feeling alone,,,feeling useless,,feeling hopeless,,,feeling that my life's not worth living for,,,im glad that i can hide everything from others again,,,but i dont know if i can do that in school,,i dont know what will i become,,if i end myself like that,,others will feel crap,,,the others will be screwed up in a way, others that i promise that ill hlep will loose out,,,i dont know,,,im trying so damn hard with life,,,im startin off by keeping myself fit,,,,,im giving myself 14days of conditionin and eating like a sensible person,,,,behind all,,,my mind is always with her,,,my heart will always be with her,,,,no matter how much i want her,,no matter how much i need her,,i just want her to be happy,,even though if she want to
live her own life or even if she likes some1 else,,it's better to have sorrow than to give others sorrow,,its better to be hurt that to hurt others,,it is better to be blamed than to blame others,,,my life is now not for me,,,but for others,,,i swear,,,that if i dont have the team,,i dont have kat,,and if i feel that i have nothing to live for,,,other than troubling others,,ill end it,,ill find a way,,,and this blog is for others to see,,i hope what's in my mind now will nvr come true,,,but if it does,,i jsut hope this blog will explain to others why im better of dead,,,i hope this is all out of depression,,cuz im having this thought in my mind almost every minute,,,and every time i disappoint others,,that's just makes it easier for me,,,life is screwed up,,i jsut want her to come back,,i jsut want her to give me what she gave me,,,i jsut want her,,,she's the only 1 who makes me feel warm and loved,,,,she's the only 1 who gave me 100% love,,i dont know aobut now,,,but i dont care about myself,,,i dont expect myself to be happy anymore,,,i only wish for her 100%love,,,i just wish for that to happen,,,no more words to say,,,i told myself that ill go toschool this thursday,,,i hope i will,,and i hope i wont do anything senseless in school,,,i hope i will be able to hide my feelings again,,,i hope for that,,cuz if i cant,,ill jsut run out of school,,and get into a bigger trouble,,i hate myself,,,and if i ever get punnished sevierly in school,,,that'll just will make me loose total hope myself in studies,,,that'll just make me wanna end mylife sooner,,,i just hope to help
vaspers,,,im doing all those gay shit for them,,,even though i dont like it,,ill do it,,this will make me feel usefull,,and make me feel appreciated,,but nothing can make feel the way when im with her,,nothing can be compared to the love she gave me,,nothing and no1 could ever make me feel the way she makes me feel,,,,,and i dont wish for any1 else to give me what she gives me,,,all the girls are the same to me now,,besides her,,,i look at her in a different way,,,i love her,,,,cant be explained,,,the only thing i can hope for now is equal love from her,,,,and i swear,,,if some1 loves me the way i love her,,,i wouldnt want to disapoint her,,i wouldnt want to hurt her,,,,but then again,,,who would actually lay their eyes on me?im damn black,,,im stupid,,,im a looser,,,i dont see anything good in me,,and i dont know why feli even love me,,,,,or loved,,,
i dont know,,i just want to be sure if she still have feelings for me,,,i love her,,and i hope she loves me too

Posted by fingers at 2:54 AM WST
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Tuesday, 1 March 2005

Now Playing: ...
eating like a human being,,,,,,,fucking mom is naggin at me now,,,fuck her ass,,,,,she's fucking fucked up,,,,,what ever it is,,im having a headache now,,and im off to meet my friends now,,,
out!

Posted by fingers at 3:07 PM WST
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Now Playing: she means to me way more than i thought she would
i cant believe,,,,i cant believe how much she mean to me,,,it's 3am now,,and i just realised that ive been lying on the floor in the hall, living mtv on,, staring
at the ceiling,,and just thinking, i cant explain what i was thinking,,but i was tearing away all the time,,,she made me feel that she wants me to go to school and all cuz she wants to see me,,and she wants to get back together and all,,,but truthfully,,i just know,,she thinks that im like that because she left me,,,i guess that's true,,but i wouldve been like that long time ago even if i nvr met her,,she prevented me from being like that,,,,she just want to get back not because she misses me like the way i miss her,,not because she wants to see me like the way i want to see her,,not because she feels the way i feel whenever we're together, holding hands and all,,but she just want to get together because that'll make me happy, but,,i dont think ill ever be happy if she's with me and it's all a lie,,,i cant help thinking of it,,ive lost interest in any1 else,,i cant even admirer any1, i stopped thinkin of the girl that i had a crush on ever since i knew her,,,all the girl is the same to me besides her,,she glows in my eyes,,,i even make belief that she's beside me lieing down and falling asleep together,,,
i nvr want to get into a relationship,,,i nvr did like the idea,,i thought it's all fake,,i thought it's what every1 do just fer fun,,i thought it was a teenage thing,,,but,,i nvr thought of why ppl get married,,i nvr ever thought that love could be this strong,,,married ppl gave up their whole life,,,they gave up being together often with friends, family,,, jsut to live together with some1 they truely love,,,i guess my feelings for her is like that,,,,i dont know how she feels towards me anymore,,,, i just hope that she feels the same way towards me,,,all i want to do is to see her,,i want to look at her beautiful brown eyes,,i want to hold her soft hands,,,i want to touch her soft sweet hair,,i want to see her face,,,and i want to determine if she feels the same way as i do,,,i dont want to tell her what's going on with me anymore,,,cuz i dont want to make her feel crap,,, i dont want to hurt ppl anymore,,i dont mind if ppl hurt me,,i get that all the time everyday,,with my friends,,my family,,and all,,but i dont care about
me anymore,,im always hurt,,but it's better than hurting others,,especially her,,,if things get so bad,,,and i cant seem to find my life meaningfull,,i think id rather end it,,i hope im saying this out of depression,,,cause,,im afraid that i'll one day do that,,,cause,,not just the 1st time,,but everytime,,every time when climb a building,,when i reach at the last storey,,i just thought,,what if i let go of the railing,,and just fall,,my curiousily was so damn strong,,and i was so determined to do it,,but everytime i think of that,,something just come up to me,,i mean,,the feeling is just so strange,,and i just find myself climbing in the builing,,,
and i hope that feeling will nvr fade,,cuz if it does,,ill one day let go,,and just go away from earth,,from her,,from my friends,,from my family,,from the ones i love,,,from the one i hate,,from the ppl that ive always giving trouble to, from the onec ive hurt,,,
i cant sleep now,,,and im hungry,,,very hungry,,my stomach's making those funny noises,,,i dont know what to eat,,,there's nothin,,,,i hope i starve and die,,,or the acids in my stomach burn me inside out,,,i hope that's posible,,im off to the kitchen now,,to find food,,see ya

Posted by fingers at 3:09 AM WST
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Monday, 28 February 2005

Now Playing: .....
i guess this is fate,,it's just fate,,i just hope im fated to die soon,,i just hope that,,feeling like this every single day for many weeks,,,is just crap,,i dont know how i can control and hide my feelings eversince primary 1,,,i remembered every single thing ever since i reached 8 years old,,,my perved cousin touched me,,,i was beaten up like a fish, my father became a psycho path, my mom turned into s slut, speaking of slut,,i havent forget that bitch who made me hate the whole female sex,,,,then feli came,,showed me true love,,,showed me what is does it feels like to be loved,,,made me forget every single thing that had ever happened to my life,,,made me forgive every1 that screwed my life up,,,,but now,,,i just hate myself even more,,,the stupid tuition sinda cant seem to distract me,,i tried and tried so damn hard not to burst out,,i almost did,,,,i guess i need some more time,,,i guess life for me isnt like every1 else,,,i guess that's why ppl are very normal,,cuz nothing had ever happen to them,,,their stable,,,now,,,,i can see that she dont love me anymore,,she dont feel the way i feel towards her anymore,,,i dont blame her,,who wants sucha screwed up ass like me?who wants to even be friends with me?every1 only like the cheerful me, the me i thought i was,,,but,,,now i know,,ive found myself,,,i dont think tmr is a good day for me to go to school,,cuz , sinda is only 2 hours,, and i was trying so damn hard not to just run out of the class,,,and she was there,,,she was there,,,,i sensed it all,,,why god made me this way?why cant i just be borned in a normal family with a normal thinkin?,,,i dont know if ill ever be to the fullest like i used to,,,thnks alot ever1!!fer screwin my life up!!i really appreciate it,,and thnks alot to my team,,my friends,,her,,to at least give me a lil hope for just that moment,,,i cant take life nomore,,i jsut learnt that ill nvr get the one thing i want the most,,and i cant do nothing about it,,it's just a matter of time i predict,,i hope not,,,life,,,adult hood sucks,,,fer me that is,,fer the rest,,i guess they're enjoying,,i guess it's all in the head,,i guess im not like every1 else,,i guess no 1 can do nothing about it,,they can jsut scold me and telling me that im rottin wasting my time with flips and giving me stupid lecture that i can think of myself with my own head and brain,,,i wish myself goodluck,,,i wish i can get through tmr,,whether in school,,or not in school,,,which ever way,,i jsut hope i wont do something really senseless tomyself

Posted by fingers at 9:28 PM WST
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Now Playing: nitched
not interested and will nvr get into a relationship, but once gotten into, he'll be very extremely faithfull and comited to the relationship
that's what my palms says when i search it online,,and my horoscopei just wish im those ppl who dont give a damn about anything, but this relationship,,i cant let go,ill nvr forget, and ill nvr get into another serious relationship with any1 else,,cuz i seriosuly love her with all my heart, and i cant stop loving her
,didnt go to school today neither,,i dont know what to do,,i couldnt sleep last night,,,talked to kat on the phone,,went to the library with kat at 5+ yesterday,,,i just lost hope,,,in everything,,,,i dont know if she really loves me,,,but,,,,i wont ever be the same again in school,,,,there's no need to be like last time in school,,,cuz my silence wont affect any1 in school,,,not even her,,she'll be with her friends,,,ill be alone feeling crapier than ever,,,,i dont know what ill get,,,i dont know what ill do,,,but ill nvr loos my love for her,, i dont expect the same love i have for her in return,,cuz i dont see why she should even like me,,i dont have anyythin,,,im nvr good in studies,,,,,i like showing off,,,im ugly,,,im not what every girl wants,,,im always insulted,,im hopeless
i dont blame her if she stops loving me,,ive already lost hope in everything,,,i just wanna try my best to help others,,the 1 whom i care for,,even though a lil,,,
sinda's in about 1hour+,,,im gonna start keeping myself fit,,,for the sake of others,,,but at the same time,,reluctant,,cuz if im fit,,ill forget the wold again,,,,,i dont want that to happen,,but me getting myself fit,,is not for me,,it's for others,,,so yah,,,,

Posted by fingers at 5:24 PM WST
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Sunday, 27 February 2005

Now Playing: liffeeeeeee
too tired,, many things has been going on,,i dont know what to think anymore,,sry plod!!!!i dont smoke,,,my mom cant get out of my life,,,life is complicated,, she's together with me,,i dont know, angela gave me advises,,thnks alot,,,i really need it,seriously,,,thkns fer making me feel that at least i have friends,,,,im tired,, gonna make coffie and sleep,,if i can,,,will update tmr or something
now i have a reason to wake up the nx morning,,,we're like together again, but i jsut wanna clarify things,,if she's happy and all,, cuz if she is,,then ill be,,,if she's now happy being in this relationship,,then ill end it,,,you have to sacrifice everything in order to do what's right,,that's what azrii taught me, that's what i see in most of every1, kat showed me how to smile,,,and think of the positive side, angela cheers me up,,,,plod made me wanna kiss his gay ass,,,mom made me wanna kill myself,,,but most of all,,,feli gave hope,,,because of her,,ive learnt alot of things in life,,,
i lvoe every1 for all this lessons
but most of all
STUUUDDIEESSSSSS!!!!WHERE AM I GONNA PICK UP!!???!!!???!!!
well,,she gave me hope,,,ill have hope in studies,,
tired now, gonna sleep,,wait wait!!coffie!!!!!
nights,,mmmmmmmmmmmm,,,coooffffffeeeyyyyyyy!!!!beats cigerrate:P

Posted by fingers at 3:06 AM WST
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Saturday, 26 February 2005

Now Playing: ...
i cant believe it,,,,she came online,,,telling me sry and all, i couldnt take it anymore, before she could tell me what she really feels,,i told her everything that i dont want to do, to get on with life without her, i want her to move on with life and all,, but,,i dont have a life without her, i cant move on, nothing is right for me anymore, i dont know, ive lost hope in everything i do,, not that she's gone, now that she thinks that im fine with everything, i can only be happy for her, that 's all,,,as for myself,,i have nothin to look forward to,,not in school, not with friends,,i cant even crack a smile, i dont know what else to do,,hope is not real for me anymore, i jsut want her, i want her damn badly, and i just let her go like that by saying that ill be fine and everything,,sayin that im totally cool with the break up idea,,,but,,,i cant sleep every night, i cant do anything right, life is totally screwed up for me, ive othing to look forward to, i love her, i love her with all my heart, i really want her, but i cant have her, its the right thing to do,,i just want her to be happy, ive sacrifised my hapiness for her happiness,,,,she would do the same thing too,, but she've done them when she was with me,,i jsut dont know what to tihnk anymore, life is screwed up,,she's the only thing that'll make me happy, i love her, i want her, but i cant have her.

Posted by fingers at 1:55 PM WST
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Friday, 25 February 2005

Now Playing: ...
ive lost hope, i couldnt even bare showing my feelings to kat, i had to pretend hard, i dont know what to do with my life nomore, even when with azrii and clement, i couldnt stop thinking and be distracted about itand i was too fished up that i just had to burst in front of them, all i ever wanted is distraction, but azrii just had to go on talking about life and all and that just made me feel even more useless,that's why i like to hang out with angela and all, she feels the exact same way as i do, more worst that is,and i feel good at least cracking a fake smile while knowing that some1 is doing the same,, i cannot pretend anymore, i cant pretend like i used to, be happy just to balance the surrounding, i cant laugh,i cant do anything right, and i dont know how i can be when im with kat, i guess i love her so much that i dont want to hurt her by showing what im feeling, my true feelings, i had to act normal, and im glad god gave me strenght to do it, but truely , ive lost hope, i dont know what im living for, im screwed up in studies, my stupid cousin shahid just had to come over and talk to me bout the london trip money, he made me feel even more useless, cuz, i dont know, he said all those fucked up things that made it way easier for me, i dont know, i hope that i still have hope in life, i want her, that's the only thing that'll make me feel at least have hope and hope to start over in life, didnt go to school today, dont want to, cuz i dont want to end up whacking the hell out of some irritants in class, or pushin a teacher like the way i used to, or simply burst out diring class, math class, i cant take information anymore, i feel damn useless, all those songs doesnt help, nothing helps anymore,
i just hope that some miricals would come and god would send some1 to help me, it's funny, i wished hard for this, and it came true, she came, she's like my angle, and i love her so much, i dont want to let her go, but i guess everything doesnt last forever,
i dont know what else to say, life is screwed up, she's the one i love, and the only 1 ill only love, she's my hope, she's my happiness, she's the reason why i wake up every morning and sleep every night,,she gave me me strenght when i felt that hope is gone, she's made me look on the bright side of life, she's the only bright side of my life, but now, ive realised that there's no such thing as bright side of life for me, everything that ive ever do is having a brightside of life out of some1 else darkness and unhappiness,,,,ive lost hope, i love her,, i love her so damn much, my thoughts are so tempting, i just dont want to end life like that, but at the same time, there's nothin fer me to live fer, , it's funny, im only 16, and im already like this, what if im older? it's just a matter of time, i hope it's soon.im just trying to get through everyday in life, with nothing to look forward to, there's nothing for me in life, my future is already screwed,
i dont have a future, that's what every1's telling me in a way, i really wish god could end me life for other's happiness.. i dont know, i nvr did read my post, im just typing what ever that's in my mind, and i dont wish to read back, cuz i know, if i did, i would delete it all, what's the point of this blog anyways? no1 i know is gonna read it, no1 cares, it's just for their entertainment, and im glad that my crapped up life occupies their time with entertainment, im having a head ache right now, im gonna drink some coffie, and rot at home, isnt that right SHAHID?IM ROTTING AT HOME, I DONT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND IM JUST WASTING MY TIME WITH ALL THOSE SHIT
IM DOING NOW, WELL GUESS WHAT, IVE LOST HOPE IN FLIPS
AND PARKOUR TOO,ARE U HAPPY?FREAK
nights

Posted by fingers at 11:40 PM WST
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Now Playing: ...
hope, that's the one things that stands just below faith, iive lost hope to have faith, i mean, there's no hope for me, and me not believing in hope is jst faithless in other words, i cant stand myself, azrii gave me a floppy disc with all the moral values in it, happiness, forgiveness,cheerfulness, selfishness and everything,having roman and others as an example. why am i not surprised looking at it, cuz i knew it was gonna be something like this when he gave me the dicsket, but how do i have all thoses if i just dont have faith and hope anymore, before i met her, i had faith, i had faith in the team, and everything else, but not myself, i lived for the team, when i met her, i sacrifised everythin, i had my very first long term goal, which is do really well in studies, get agood job, just to be with her forever, studies was nvr my game, i mean, i hate studies so damn much, i know it helps you in life, but i just wanted to study because of her, i wanted to be with her forever, even though we're this young, but, she nvr felt the same way, now i have no goal anymore, i dont believe hope in life, i look at others and jsut feel im useless, im hopeless, and all. even when ppl play around calling me stupid, but i know they meant it, i was nvr the bright or normal one in studies, im the lowest, and there's no point for me to even try in studies, ive lost hope, i dont think i can even help out in the team anymore, i cant even pretend the way i used to when im with the team, i cant hide my feelings anymore, i dont know why, i guess i really meant it when i said i love her, she sent me a friendster msg askin me what's wring and why am i not in school and all, she said it was DISTRACTING.see? ive distracted her again,i dont want to bug her anymore, but it seemed like i did, it's jsut a matter of time, and im done for.

Posted by fingers at 2:03 AM WST
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Thursday, 24 February 2005

Now Playing: lost it
didnt go to school, i dont know what to do anymore, hope is totally gone for me, nothing will be ok now, now that im totally screwed up, i want her, she's the only one who can give me hope, i dont know what else to do, im just gonna lay here and do nothin about it, cuz nothin can be done.

Posted by fingers at 12:14 PM WST
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meaaaanniinngggleeesssssssss
sleepless night and it's 3am in the morning, just friend myself a chicken burger , ate it with bread,i cant sleep, been watching animations and videos since 9pm.one of the animation made me feel even more useless, saying that life's a lie, the other, really had 'us' in it somehow,i couldnt stop thinkin of her, i just lay on my bed, watch the animation, listen to music, stare at the ceiling, leave mtv on in the hall, and i dont know what will happen to me in school tmr, i just couldnt find any hope in my life, the only hope i have is her, she's the one i love, i want, i care for, and i need.she's my source of motivation in life, i dont know what else to do, i lost hope in school, dont know what reason to give to teacher later on in school, life just suck, im having hard thoughts of killing myself now, im having thoughts of diein, death is freedon for me, it's like, it's the equation to all problems, if im gone, every1 else will have 1 less person to think of, azrii wont have to think of what skills i should do, my so called mom dont need to worry about money that much, my brother will have this computer all to his self, no1 will feel shit by my mean words, cuz i wont say any once i die, all the teachers will have one less student to chase, all my friends will be able to concentrate on their life better, every1 can get on with their life without me bugging them and holding them back, that's why i think i better off dead, cause, every1 will feel crap for a few days, but inside every1 will be happy later on, i dont know, life is just meneangless now, ive totally lost it, the joy of the world, it doesnt matter for me anymore, there's no joy for me nomore, every joy i show were nvr real, they are just to prevent ppl from shit, like when im with kat, i just had to pull out a smile and do the things i always to to her, gay ard and all, but since 'she' left me, everything now can be seen, no matter how hard i try, i jsut feel totally useless, i make others miserable, and ive lost motivation in every part in life, flips, study, parkour, or even just simply skippin a step while going down the stairs, if i dont go to school today, i'd better off dead
im gonna try to get some rest, if i can just stop thinkin of her, but the thing is, when i sleep, ill dream of her, and ill feel crap again,feli u have no idea how much i love you, i dont even have any idea how much i love you, cuz i cant explain it, i just hope you feel the same way back, that's the only thing that can give me hope to pick myself up again.

note: i dont know how to speel tear, as in, cry, it sounds more like tear, as in tearing a piece of paper, aahh what the hack , who cares, as long it can be read,i meant cryin when i say tearing, nights.

Posted by fingers at 3:30 AM WST
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