((Jess' POV))
He sat there as if nothing was wrong, as if we hadn't just had one of the biggest fights in 2 days. Yeah, 2 days. We had screamed at the top of our lungs at each other on Tuesday night, and we couldn't even make it the rest of the week without doing it again. And it was for the lamest reasons ever, Chad and I just couldn't stand each other more. He didn't like the way I talked, I didn't like the way he drank. He didn't particularly care for the way I was dressing, and I didn't think he was dressing to impress either. That was the stupid, petty shit that caused the last fight of ours on Tuesday.
On Friday however, he was being extremely loud and obnoxious, so I said something. I hadn't expected him to blow up in defense, I hadn't expected him to start yelling the way he did. And I wasn't going to just sit there and let him bark at me like I was some fuckin' animal. Only this time, it wasn't just harsh words that flew through the air, it was hits. Chad got me good, he'd socked the right side of my face, half his fist collided with my jaw, and the other half with the soft spot of my neck. As I choked and gasped for the air that my panicing lungs had stopped taking in after the blow, I just snapped, and I punched him as hard as I could, harder than I ever remembered hitting anything; all I could see was red.
And there we were. He'd thrown himself on the couch, mumbling some horseshit under his breath, and I stood a few feet away, staring at him, and still trying to take in air. Blood was all over Chad's face, I didn't even know where I'd managed to hit him, and he didn't seem to care. I watched in almost awe as he pulled his pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his leather jacket. (which was another thing that bothered me, he practically slept in it)
"What the Hell are you doing?" I asked, watching as he put a cigarette in his mouth.
"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" he countered, the cigarette bouncing with his moving lips, but never falling out of place.
"Dude, in case you haven't noticed, you're bleeding." I said. "Aren't you gonna at least wash it?"
Chad shrugged, and pulled out his lighter. In one swift movement, he'd lit the cigarette, and the lighter ended up safe in his pocket again. As I watched him savor the taste of nicotine, my anger subsided--it's how it went when we fought/argued. We'd be super pissed for about 10 minutes, and then we'd just cool down. It was definately one of the most strange relationships I'd ever been in.
"Where did I hit you?" I asked, looking down at my bleeding knuckles.
"In the face." Chad barked sacastically.
I rolled my eyes, and threw my hands up. "See you later, Chad." I said, as I started towards the door of the apartment he was staying in.
I yanked my jacket off of a chair he had by the door, and as I pulled it on, I turned to face him. He was sitting there, cigarette now in his hand, eyes fixed on the ugly carpet. I shook my head, and turned back around, swinging open the door. I didn't stop the door from slamming, fuck being quiet, then I stomped loudly down the 2 flights of stairs that Chad had drunkenly fallen down at least twice. But it's often said the drunk don't feel anything, like when a baby falls, they're natural reaction isn't to cry, they don't feel it. But then they remember that if they cry, mommy or daddy would come running. I reached the bottom, and walked through the dungeon-like foyer, throwing all of my weight into the heavy door to open it.
I winced at the slam of the door on my collarbone as I stepped outside, but didn't stop walking. So what? I'd have a bruise on my shoulder, I'd have one on my fuckin' jaw too, so it didn't really matter. I slightly shivered and pulled my jacket closer around my body. It was early February, one of my least favorite months. I hated cold weather, I hated anything that had to do with cold weather.
As I got to my car, and pulled out my keys to unlock the door, I heard the heavy slam of the apartment building door. It was Chad, I knew it. I'd made him feel like an asshole, and he'd apologize, and it'd be over, like Tuesday night. I pretended I didn't know he'd come outside, and I unlocked the driver's side door of my car. I felt Chad stop behind me, and I turned expecting the guilty 'I'm sorry' look, but instead got a bonnefied, Ginsburg fist in the face. He hit my left cheek so hard, that my left eye blacked out, and I saw spots for a few moments, as I tried to regain what was happening here.
"Fuck you, Jess!" Chad exclaimed, "You're always trying to make me feel like the fucking asshole of this shitty relationship. It's not just me."
I waited until my full vision returned, and the shock of the punch evaporated, then I just swung. I hit him in the chest this time, right where his voice box was. He let out all his breath in a rush, and he stumbled backwards. His boot caught on an elevated crack in the sidewalk, and he fell to his back on the hard cement, clutching at his chest, and gasping like a beached whale. I paced in front of him slightly, watching him as if I were a lion, and he a wounded zebra. But before I knew what was happening, Chad had gotten up into a position that Olympic runners pose in before a race, and in seconds flat, I was sprawled out beneath him as he tackled me to the ground.
"Fucking asshole." Chad said, his voice sounded horrible thanks to my voice box hit, and the sound of it seemed to make him angrier. "What the fuck is your problem anymore?"
Before he could go on, I did what I saw people do in movies. I brought my head back, and then thrust it as far as I could upwards, until it collided with Chad's. His grip weakened, and I rolled him over so that I was now on top. We'd made it from the sidewalk to the cold grass, and I was grasping his shoulders, digging my fingernails into them roughly.
"You're my God damned problem." I fumed through gritted teeth, "You're so fuckin' critical of the things I do, and you belittle me and every one of my ideas in front of fuckin' everybody. You're treating me like a fuckin' dog!"
Chad grunted in frustration as he struggled to get out from under me. The blood on his face was starting to dry, and his hair was fucked up in every way possible, which only gave him the look of a maniac. But then I thought, if he looks like a maniac, what the fuck did I look like?
"I've always treated you like a fuckin' dog." Chad said, his fingers prying at mine to release him. "I've always been critical, and I've always belittled you, what the fuck were you attracted to in the first place?"
This question made me stop and think, which if you have a pissed off, drunk and struggling Chad Ginsburg under you, is not a very good idea. My grip loosened on his shoulders, and he reached up, grabbed mine and with a twist of his body, he'd flipped me over him like shit you see in wrestling, and he was on top again, this time finding an easier way to pin me under him. He pressed my arms against the ground, and then put his knees on top of them, to use all of his body weight to keep me down. This could also have been mistaken for a very kinky position, if not for the angry noises that I made, and the struggled from Chad, who was having a hard time trying to keep me pinned.
"You've just turned into a pansy piece of shit." Chad growled, continuing what he was saying. "You're always fuckin' saying how much I've changed, but you don't once stop to think about how much you've changed. I'm the exact same way I was a few months ago when you and I hooked up, and I have been since then."
I gave up, and stopped fighting. Chad reached down and grabbed the grass to steady himself on top of me, but he stayed pinning me down, digging his knees into my upper arms, and causing me to bite my lip in pain. I closed my eyes, and put my head back, as Chad's quick breathing started to return to normal. He sounded like he'd really had a hard time keeping me down, something I would have been proud of if he hadn't been right. When I did think about, I did remember the way he treated me before our relationship started. He treated me like an animal...the same exact way he was treating me now.
I let out a sigh of defeat, and nodded, as I opened my eyes. "You're right." I mumbled, not wanting to hear those words escape my mouth. "I am the one whose changed."
I couldn't help what happened next, it just did. I felt my eyes brim with tears. Not tears of sadness, no pussy bullshit. I was pissed at myself. I hated myself. There I was ruining the best relationship I'd ever had, and I had no one to blame but myself. I'd made Chad's life a living Hell, and I was constantly pissed at him. He didn't deserve that, I mean yeah, he was Chad, he was arrogant, he was cocky, he was one of the rudest bastards around, but he'd done nothing wrong.
Chad climbed off of me, and stood up quickly, straightening his leather jacket. And I just lay there in the same position. My arms were so sore I was afraid of moving them, and if I couldn't move my arms, what the fuck was the point in moving anything else? I watched Chad as he gently rubbed his chest where I'd hit him, and then he looked down at me. He was no longer angry with me, he gave me a look of...disappointment, I guess you could call it.
"Jess, I can't fuckin' deal with this." he said, shaking his head slowly. "You're driving me insane."
I ignored the screaming pain in my arms and reached up to cover my face with my hands. I wasn't crying, the tears never came out. They'd appeared, knocked on the door, and played a game of "Ding Dong Ditch" before I'd let them out. I just couldn't face Chad, I felt like exactly what he said, a piece of shit. I felt like a grain of dirt.
"I'm sorry." was all I could say, as I pulled my hands away from my face, and rested them on my chest. What else could I have said?
Chad reached up and scratched the back of his head with one hand. He then ran his fingers through his hair, as if that was going to make a difference in its appearance. He kneeled next to me, and leaned down slowly. It was like the shit that happens in movies, it was the perfect kiss....well minus the taste of dry blood from what I could only think was his nose. He twisted one hand into my hair, and with the other, he held the side of my face. It was the most passionate kiss I'd ever recieved, from man or woman. And who'd a thought it would have happened at that very moment. At the very moment when all I wanted to do was die. Chad pulled away and looked down into my eyes.
"I forgive you." he said.
That was definately a side of Chad Ginsburg I'd never seen. A side of Chad Ginsburg I wasn't planning on seeing ever again. But at that moment, I was glad he let that side of him show. He smiled down at me, and then turned around to face away from me. For a second I thought he was going to leave me laying there, freezing my ass off. But then he lay down with me, his body sideways so that his head rested on my stomach. He messed around with his pocket again, I couldn't see what he was doing. And then I heard the familiar click of his metal lighter. Sure enough, he'd lit another cigarette and had it hanging out of his mouth.
"So what?" I asked. "Are we still...?"
Chad only nodded, as he inhaled deeply.
"I'll try not to drive you insane." I said quietly.
He shook his head, and pulled the cigarette from his mouth. "That's what these are for." he said, shaking the cigarette in the air, as smoke billowed from his lips. "These and booze."
I ignored the feeling of my ass going numb from the freezing earth beneath us. And I ignored the sounds of the neighborhood around us. I focused on the smoke that swirled upward into the night sky, and I focused on the feeling of Chad next to me, the feeling of his forgiveness.
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