Joke of the week
There was a woman whose husband divorced her. One day she
found a lamp, so she rubbed it and a genie appeared. that he would grant her 3 wishes but whatever she wishedHe said
for, her husband would get 3 times as much of it as she did.
So for her first wish she said, "I wish for a million
dollars." Her wish was granted and her husband got 3 million
dollars. This displeased her.
So for her second wish she said, "I wish for a giant
estate." Her second wish was granted and her husband got 3
huge estates. This really ticked her off.
So she thought for a little while and finally thought of
something bad for her husband and made her final wish.
She said, "For my third and final wish. I wish to be pregnant with twins."
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One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of
5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who
was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not righteither."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It wasJesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up
here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You
know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised yousaid Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but
business is business..."------------------------------------------
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some
marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears
the pants in your family."
The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his
bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "Idon't fit into these."
"That's right!" he said, "and don't you forget who wears the
pants in this family!"With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these
on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into yourpanties!"
She said, "That's right and you won't until your attitude changes!"
A blonde was chatting with her building manager when she
happened to mention that the tenants in the apartment above
hers were awfully noisy."Most nights, they stomp around up there as if they will
killing cockroaches or something. All evening, this goes on,
until around midnight."
"That's terrible," said the building manager. "Do you want
me to speak to them about it?"
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A well respected Doctor and his wife were in the lobby of
the Hyatt checking in. A beautiful, young blonde shimmied by
wearing what little there was of an evening gown that must
have been spray painted on her ripe body.
She paused and purred, "Well, hello there Doc." and thenmoved on.
The Docs wife simmered as they rode the elevator to their
room. The doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry
dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife snarled, "Hers or yours?"
"Oh, no, it's not necessary," said the blonde. "It doesn't
keep me up or anything, because, most nights, I usually stay
up and practice my trumpet 'til about that time anyway."
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The local preacher came calling on Mrs. Pal, "I haven't seen
you at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if
everything was alright."
"Oh, everything is just fine, Reverend. Sunday is the only
day my husband has off. He likes me to stay home so that he
can put his head on my chest and hear the angels sing." shesays.
"Are you kidding me?" the preacher asks."Why don't you try it and see."
So he puts his head on her chest and replies, "I don't hearthe angels singing."
"But Reverend," she says, giggling, "Of course you can't.
You aren't plugged in yet!"
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The passengers on a plane are waiting for their flight to
leave when two men, both wearing dark glasses, dressed in
pilot uniforms, walk up the aisle. One is being led by a
seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a
cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men
go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers are all looking around for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke, but there is none. As
the plane moves faster and faster down the runway, the
people at the windows realize that they're headed straight
for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to
look as though the plane will never take off and will plow
into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But just at
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream
too late, and we're all gonna die."
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Doctor Daren had slept with one of his patients and had felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice
within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of his patients and you won't be the last. And, you're
single. Let it go....."But, invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality:"Darren, you're a vet....."
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one
guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person infront of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just
what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could
see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back.
Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy
replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing theguy in front of me?"
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"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He hasthe perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all
the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders goon to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that
year's SuperBowl, and when Al asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants to do is to call his
mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "Ijust won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You
deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man
pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this
very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Oakland!"
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Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence oftheir pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great
Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker,
but finally a friend complained about him and I had himput to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog
like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards."
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Two men were out in the woods looking for a place to go
hunting when they happen upon a very large hole in the
ground. One guy says, "I'm gonna throw a rock down there
and see how deep this hole really is."
He throws the rock down, but they never hear any sound.
"I'm gonna throw a bigger rock down there this time, and
I'll bet we can hear it when it hits bottom," he tells his
buddy. He picks up a rock the size of a basketball and
throws it down the hole. No sound.
Finally, his friend sees a railroad tie laying in the weeds.
"Hey, let's throw this big piece of cross-tie down there.
Surely that will make a noise loud enough for us to hear."
They pick up the railroad tie and throw it in the hole, butno sound comes back.
About this time, a goat comes running from the bushes and
jumps into the hole. "That's the damndest thing I've everseen," one guy says.
Just then, a farmer walks up to them and asks, "Hey, have
you fellas seen a billy goat around here anywhere?"
One of the men tells him, "Why yes we have. In fact, a goat
just jumped into this big hole in the ground."
The farmer tells him, "No, that couldn't be my goat. I have
him tied to a railroad tie."
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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into
the road strayed a rooster. WHACK! The roster disappeared
under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the
door bell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously
said, "I think I just killed your rooster. Please allow meto replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are roundthe back."
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A man was mowing his front yard when all of a sudden his
blonde neighbor came outside and checked the mailbox. She
slammed the mailbox shut and stormed back into the house.
So, the man continues mowing his yard.
Not even 10 minutes later, the blonde comes storming back
out of her house. She, again, goes out to the mailbox, slams
it shut harder and once again, storms back in the house.
So, the man started trimming the edges on his lawn.
The blonde came out to her mailbox, again. She was madder
than ever. She looked in her mailbox, slammed it shut harder
than before. The man was puzzled. He said "Ma'am is there aproblem?"
The blonde relpies "There sure is!!! My stupid computer
keeps telling me that I have mail!!!!!!"
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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide
by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my
chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast
implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.""So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shootingmyself in the mouth."
"So then?""Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going
to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear
before I pulled the trigger."
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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded
the distraught mother. "My child has swallowed acontraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out
the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with
a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
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The doctor says, "Mr. Shapiro, I have some bad news and somevery bad news."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Well, you might as well give me the badnews first."
The doctor says, "The lab called with your test results. You
have 24 hours to live."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Twenty-four hours? That's terrible! Whatcould be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you sinceyesterday."
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A clergyman walking down a country lane sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallenoff.
"You look hot, my son," said the clerac. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't likeit."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can
find him and I'll give him a piece of mymind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the load ofhay."
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There was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation
Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven,
as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you
familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's
'really' original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
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The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before
the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown
suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she
wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it
especially for that occasion, and she was angy that the
mortician left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing
when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit
she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two
until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly
take him out and get him changed in that amount of time."
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant
mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right
back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in ablue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the
undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially
wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into ablue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that
there was another body in the back and he was already
dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!"
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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he
picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the
students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He
then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that
this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your
family, your partner, your health, your children - things
that if everything else was lost and only they remained,
your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The
sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the
sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles orthe rocks.
"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and
energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to
work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix thedisposal.
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student took the jar which the other students and
the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining
spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is,
there is always room for BEER!
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John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and
one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a
contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the
evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between
The Legs o' Me Wife."When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him
how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the
contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then
asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The
Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife." His
wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to includeme in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran
into the local police man On the beat who was also at the
Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello
Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband
John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He wonfirst prize."
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite
honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first
time he fell asleep and the second time they had to pull himout by the ears."
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Harry tells his brother, "I'm going to England for threeweeks, and I'm leaving my cat with you. Please take realgood care of her."A few days after he gets to England, Harry calls his brotherand say, "How's my cat?"His brother says, "The cat's dead."Harry says, "My God. Why did you have to be so blunt?Couldn't you break it to me a little more gently? Like, tell me that the cat was up on the roof, and you called the FireDepartment, and they came and put up a ladder, but justbefore they got to her, she slipped and fell to the ground,and that you rushed her to the vet, but there was nothing hecould do to save her..."His brother says, "Whatever."Harry says, "How's Ma?"His brother says, "Umm...Mom's on the roof..."
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One morning, this blonde calls her friend and says "Pleasecome over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, andI can't figure out how to start it."Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good atpuzzles, so he heads over to her place.She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has thepuzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces fora moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her andsays:"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able toshow you how to assemble these to look like the picture ofthat tiger."Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, andput all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of myFirst Grade class."The second guy says, "I can remember my first day atNursery School!"Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that'snothing. I can remember going to the drive in with myfather, and coming home with my mother."
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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the ageof 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined arather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf andnever play again. This was particularly difficult forNorton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up andrealizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny earlyspring day, decided he just had to play golf.So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sickand convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon asthe Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed outof town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way heknew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from hisparish.Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At aboutthis time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while lookingdown from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going tolet him get away with this, are you?"The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just thenFather Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards thepin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into thehole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter wasastonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did youlet him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied,"Who's he going to tell?"
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speedingdrivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering alongat 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just asdangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pullsthe driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five oldladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyedand white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says tohim, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly thespeed limit! What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but youshould know that driving slower than the speed limit canalso be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speedlimit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckleexplains to her that "22" was the route number, not thespeed limit.A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officerfor pointing out her error."But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... iseveryone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken andthey haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," theofficer asks with concern."Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just gotoff Route 119."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man and woman were married for years even though theyhated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yellingcould be heard deep into the night.A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who fearedthe man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave tocome back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magic and was responsiblefor missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeralhad a closed casket. After the burial, the wife wentstraight to the local bar and began to party as if there wasno tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extremewhile her neighbors approached in a group to ask thesequestions:"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man whopracticed black magic and stated when he died he would dighis way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt youfor the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said. . ."Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. Bush visits an elementary school and the 4th gradeclass is in the middle of a discussion related to words andtheir meanings. The teacher asks the President if he wouldlike to lead the class in adiscussion of the word "tragedy."So George W. asks the class for an example of a tragedy.One boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who livesnext door is playing in the street and a car comes along andruns him over; that would be a tragedy.""No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."A girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved; thatwould be a tragedy.""I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what wewould call a Great Loss."The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. PresidentBush searches the room and asks, "Isn't there someone herewho can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raises his handand in a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carryingMr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up tosmithereens, that would be a tragedy.""That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asks the President. "Well," Johnny says, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be aGreat Loss." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be ahundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?""No," he replied. "I've never done either.""Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?"inquired the doctor."No, I've never done any of those things either.""Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live tobe a hundred for?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Bill learned that he was being fired, he went to seethe head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firmfor so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least aletter of recommendation."The human resources director agreed and said he'd have theletter that next day. The following morning, Bill found theletter on his desk.It read: "Bill worked for our company for eleven years.When he left us, we were very satisfied." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blondecomes over and says, "I want to bet twenty-thousand dollarson a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd Ifeel much luckier if I were completely nude."They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, androlls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!"She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers,and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.For a minute the two dealers stare at each other.Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?"The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you werewatching."-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man tells his doctor he's unable to do all the thingsaround the house that he used to do. After the exam hesays, "Now doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain englishwhat the hell's wrong with me.""In layman's term, you're lazy," says the doctor."OK. Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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An old gentleman was walking through the woods one day whenhe heard a soft woman's voice from a log nearby say "Hello."As he turned, looking for the woman, he spotted a frog.Again the soft womanly voice speaks to him saying "Hello."The old man looks at the frog as she tells him, "Kiss me andI will become a beautiful young maiden and will give you awonderful night of pleasure."With this the old man picks up the frog and puts it in hispocket andcontinues on down the path. The frog hollers frominside his pocket, "Did you hear me? Kiss me and I willbecome a beautiful young maiden and will give you awonderful night of pleasure."The old man takes the frog from his pocket and replies, "Yaknow, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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