In a famous orchestra was a Violist who had something hidden in his case. Nobody knew what he had. At the beginning of every rehearsal he watched in his case to see if it was still there. At the moment he retired his colleagues were finally allowed to look in his case. In it was a little note saying: Viola left hand, bow right hand!
* A Violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of poice comes over to him and says to him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The Violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
* A Violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the Violist,"What's wrong?" The Violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the Violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"
* Why is a Violist's third finger like a bomb? You never know where it will get and it causes much damage!
* If a Violist and a conductor were both laying in the road, which one should you run over first? The conductor. Business before pleasure.
* What is the difference between a Violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.
* What's the difference between a Violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills.
* Why do Violists always have trouble entering a room? They never know when to come in.
* After a concert is given one of the Violists looks very content. "Listen to me. You won't believe it," he said to his colleagues. "I could play everything and I missed not a single note!" On that very moment the drummer comes in and asks: "Has anybody seen my part?"
* Before a concert the conductor has fallen ill and one of the Violists conducts the orchestra during the concert, which turns out to be a succes! The other day the Violist is sitting again on his own seat and speaks to the other Violists: "The concert was good, wasn't it?" To which another violist responds:"It certainly was. Where were you?"
* A Violist has fallen into the canal and screams: "Help me, I can't swim!" Another Violist, standing ashore, answers: "Just fake it!"
* Why is a Viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
* What's the difference between the first and the second desk of the Violas? One bar!
* Why is a Viola solo like wetting your pants? It's soft and warm and the others can't join your pleasure!
* What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola? The Viola burns longer.
* What is the favourite instrument of a Violist? A harp, you don't have to put your fingers on the strings!
* How do you get two Viola players to play in tune? Shoot one of them.
* What's the definition of a minor 2nd? Two Viola players playing in unison.
* How do you know there's a group of Viola players at your door? None of them can find the key: None of them knows where to come in.
* What's the difference between a Viola and an onion? Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.
* What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner? The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)
* What's the difference between a Viola player driving into town and a plumber driving into town? The plumber is going to a gig.
* What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower? You can tune the lawnmower.
* What's the difference between a Viola and a coffin? With a coffin the dead person is inside.
* What's the difference between a Viola and a trampoline? You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
* What's the difference between a Viola and scraping your nails on a blackboard? Vibrato.
* Why do Viola players keep their cases on their car dashboards? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
* How can you make a Violin sound more like a Viola? Miss a lot of notes.
* How can you tell if a Viola is out of tune? The bow is moving.
* Why do Violin players double on Viola? So they can get less work.
* Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef? Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.
* Where did Alto Clef originate? Bach took a bribe from a wealthy Viola player.
* What's the range of a Viola? 35 yards if you've got a good arm.
* What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot? A Viola player.
* Why do symphony orchestras use so many Violas? To make the custodial staff feel superior. Also helps the homeless problem.
* What is the most common Viola tuning system for Western music? Bad-tempered.
* How many Viola players do you need to change a light bulb? Three: one to do the work and two to pretend to.
* What's the definition of an optimist? A Viola player with a pager.
* Why is a Viola like a granade? When you hear it, it's too late!
* How do you make a Violist play tremolo? Write an open note and mark it `solo'.
* How do you make a Violin sound like a Viola? Sit in the back and don't play.
* What's the difference between a Violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
* How do you get a Violist to play downbow staccato? Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
* Why are Violins smaller than Violas? They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
* At the beginning of the concert the Violist walks in (late as usual) and takes a gun out of his case. The other musicians look frightened, but our Violist starts smiling. "Well," he says, "I'd love to see my wife's face when she's at the Bank...."
* Before a concert the musicians of the orchestra are tuning their instruments, except for the first Violist, who is just staring around. At a certain moment, the concertmaster walks towards him and whispers: "Shouldn't you tune your Viola?" So the Violist pulls his strings and replies: "Oh no, they're well-fixed enough."
* Violinists have Dont etudes, Violists have Can't etudes.
* Why can't a Violist play with a knife in his back? Because then he can't lean back in his chair.
* When reading these jokes, always remember: Every viola joke can be transposed up a fifth or down an octave!
* Why do viola players have transparent lunchboxes? So that they can tell whether they are going to a rehearsal or returning from it.
