Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

EPILOGUE

JUSTIN’S house was remotely quiet when she returned with Lynn, Jon and his step-dad. They were giving Grace her space and she thanked them for it, right now she was a muddle of pure bliss and sadness. She wandered into her room where she’d last seen JC sprawled out over her bed, chewing on a bag of M&M’s whilst strumming his guitar. Their kiss had let loose all their emotions that had been building up between them and it had been worth it. It was how Drew Barrymore had described a true kiss to be in one of Grace’s favourite movies, Never Been Kissed. The sincerity and passion that she’d felt from his mouth and lips, and the tears that she could still taste, exposed to her the realization that she’d never been kissed before today.

As she sat confused on her bed, fumbling with her fingers she noticed for the first time, a long stemmed rose that stood alone on the nightstand. Curious, she shuffled over to look at it, taking in its strong fragrance and effortlessly formed petals. Tucked just under the vase was a white envelop with her name scrawled across it in JC’s handwriting, carefully she opened it.

JC tapped the pen against his lips, humming over what to write. He didn’t want to sound corny or clichéd, but it was hard not to when you were trying to express your feelings. Instead, he decided to tell her the truth about the rose…

Dear Grace, what with us leaving for Europe and the prospect of not seeing you for what will seem a lifetime, I guessed there wasn’t a better time to tell you this. On Valentine’s Day I sat with a rose similar to this in my hotel room, wondering why I’d chickened out in sending it to you. There wasn’t room for being cowardly today, so if you’ll only look inside the heart of the rose, you might discover what I’ve not told you.

Love JC xxx

Placing the letter down on the bed, she reached over to the crimson rose and gently peeled back the petals, noticing a small curl of paper. She unrolled it and let the words seep deep inside her, deep into her heart.

Every time I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware that the someone I've been searching for is right there.

Dinner was quiet and they all seemed equally upset that the boys had left for Europe. Lynn was going to be heading out for a couple of days when they were in Germany, Justin may be growing up but she wasn’t letting go of her son that easily. After helping with the dishes, Grace excused herself for an early night in, but not before Lynn enclosed her in a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.

As Grace padded across the bedroom in her pyjamas, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She was wearing her Scooby Doo top and she smiled at the thought of JC’s face when he’d seen it. Hugging her arms around her body almost brought back the feeling of being in his arms, the way they had on the backseat of his car, at the airport earlier on, but it wasn’t the same. Holding an album in her hand she turned to the CD player, pausing when she saw a yellow sticky Post-It note stuck to the front of it.

Let me know what you think of it. Grace wrinkled up her face at the words, which yet again were scribbled by JC. She pressed play and turned the volume up before sitting on the edge of the bed.

JC’s voice began to tumble through the speakers and his fingers trembled over the guitar strings, “When your world comes tumbling down, the past becomes your best friend, memories hurt and regret seeps in, Darlin' remember just the way you are is why I love you so…”

Grace rammed her eyes shut and felt a soaring pain through her stomach, a hand smashing through a frosty sheet of ice.

“When wishin' on a star don't bring your dreams no closer and faith inside of you is failing fast, Baby, know I love you just the way you are, and I am here…”

Tears stung her cheeks and ran under her chin and down her neck, some falling to stain her clothes, others seeping between her quivering lips as she sobbed uncontrollably.

“Maybe we're not so close no more, destiny's been leading us both astray, things people say they make you wanna change, know this girl I still love you just the way you are.”

The music ended slowly with his voice and following it came a lonely silence. Grace’s body shuddered as she lay on her bed; the way crying had such a universal affect on your body. Irrepressible. As she sat up she coughed slightly, more to just break the silence and make herself realize how stupid she was acting, and she removed the CD reading Just The Way on it’s silvery surface. Grace swallowed and then coughed again, wiping the tears from her face and straightening her body just in case the walls were watching her pathetically. JC was across the world now, over seas, islands, countries, fields, lakes and forests, but she could still feel his lips on hers and if she hugged herself tightly enough she could feel his warmth and love. However much despair being apart from him brought her, the loneliness and not knowing where to turn – however much it hurt – she would wait for him.

I won't go…I won't sleep…I can't breathe…until you're resting here with me…