Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 12

THE rest of July was going to be hectic, jumping from venue to venue and hotel to hotel, but it also symbolized the coming of August – and at least a week of relaxation. Tara joined them in Washington DC and Grace made sure she avoided her at every cost, looking at her made her blood simmer, but it often meant she saw less of JC. Tara had obviously said nothing to JC because they went about like love birds in a clichéd manner that was nothing like Grace had ever known JC to do. But he seemed happy with Tara, she tried to convince herself that was the most important thing – maybe what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. The likely-hood that Tara’s kiss with the other guy was a one-off thing was high.

“Grace? Grace?” her mom cooed, waving her hand in front of her daughters dazed eyes as they sat in silence in a cab. They’d had a mother-daughter bonding meal at a divine Italian restaurant in Pittsburgh that Chris had suggested. “I give up with you girl.”

“Sorry,” Grace apologized, snapping out of her crazy thoughts. “What were you saying?”

“Nothing, it’s not important. What’s important is what or who is taking up your thoughts,” Meg replied.

Grace’s eyes fell and she shook her head. “Nah, it’s nothing. Really.”

“Hmm, you do realize that I know you’re lying?”

“Yeah,” Grace murmured.

The cab stopped outside their hotel and Meg paid the driver. Inside they checked to see if they had any messages at the desk, there was one from Johnny for Meg to join them for drinks at the bar, so she said goodnight to Grace. Slowly she wandered down the hall to the elevators. During the corner she saw the shiny metal doors closing and Tara inside with ‘little boy blue’ from the other day at Disney World. Grace wheeled around so that Tara didn’t recognise her. Once the doors were firmly shut and the elevator started heading up, Grace ran for the stairs, racing up them as fast as she could.

Now she regretted them being on the sixth floor, even if the views were good. Grasping the last banister and hauling herself up the luxury carpeted stairs she saw Tara and the guy disappearing down the opposite hallway to where they all had their rooms. She felt evil spying on them round the corner of the wall, but she had to know what was going on. They stopped at a door and Tara stood between his body and the wood as he opened it, devouring her in a deep kiss as they fell back into the room. The door closed with a click.

Grace slid to the floor, drawing up her knees, but her wide eyes couldn’t find any tears this time. How could she do this to him? Only rooms away from him as well? Grace knew her breath was short and her chest pounded.

“Are you all right?” a voice came.

She jolted her head as though the person had seen her thoughts, but there was just a porter standing before her. “Uh-yeah, I just felt a little dizzy.”

“Took the stairs, huh?” he asked.

Grace managed a smile. “Yeah.”

“Do you want me to help you to your room?”

“No, it’s okay, I’m just down the hall. Thanks anyway.”

“Be careful next time,” he insisted.

“I will.” Grace pushed herself to her feet and wandered down the hall, pausing at the boys’ door, debating on just going to bed early. She did. She couldn’t face JC, not right now. Not when she knew what his girlfriend was doing only a matter a walls away.

The ceiling was blank. White. No light fittings, they were fastened to the walls. Grace sighed. Tossing back the sheets she padded across the room, opened the door and along to the next, knocking quietly.

“Open,” came the voices.

One last deep breath. She twisted the door handle and popped her head around the door, golden hair tumbling down.

“Nice ‘do, Gracie,” Chris called.

“It’s the scruff look,” Grace replied, softly walking over to where Justin was playing cards with the other four.

“I love you, Grace,” Joey informed her.

“I love you too,” she said, kissing his cheek on her way past.

She curled up in Justin’s lap where he’d guided her, pulling her pyjama’s tight to hide her trembling body.

“Hey,” JC murmured, clutching his fan of cards between his fingers – fingers that she could draw from memory. His blue eyes watched her for a reply.

“Hi.” How can you sit here and say nothing?! She scolded herself. How can you?

“What’s Justin’s hand?” Lance whispered across the circle on the floor, grinning audaciously at Grace.

“Don’t you dare!” Justin cried, pressing his hand over her opening mouth and glaring at Lance.

The game was fun and it lifted Grace’s spirits, she’d always found herself unable to be unhappy around people. Automatically she switched to Grace-be-bubbly even if she was breaking down inside. People never knew how she was really feeling, that’s why she’d got along with Justin so well, he’d taken the time to find out whom she hid beneath her lively exterior. He was even more stubborn than her, and ensured that he never gave up on her – he didn’t fall for her cover-ups and wanted to help her.

“Hi guys!” came the tantalizing voice from the doorway.

The temptress herself, Grace growled.

“Tara!” JC exclaimed, jumping up and kissing her lips.

“You look kinda hot,” Grace let the words slip from her mouth.

“Aw sheesh, I know! The air conditioning unit in my room isn’t working properly,” Tara replied with a smile.

Grace was surprised she didn’t have her head bitten off. She glanced at her watch. It was a few minutes past the hour since she’d seen Tara and little boy blue disappear. Enough time. Grace wanted to whip a hand across her own face for being so malicious, but Tara’s face told her what she’d been occupying her time with.

“We can get someone up to fix it,” JC offered.

“No, it’s okay, we’re leaving tomorrow. Don’t worry. So, do you wanna go out and do something? There’s still a lot of the night left.”

JC looked woefully at his friends.

“Go on out Big Daddy,” Chris instructed. “Grace can take your hand, right?”

Her lashes fluttered and she wanted to tell JC everything that Tara wasn’t telling him. “Sure,” was all she could find.

“Thanks,” JC said, his facing lighting up as he grabbed his jacket and then Tara’s hand.

Grace clambered off Justin’s lap and plonked herself down in JC’s place, picking up his hand. Lance looked at her curiously as the game continued, there was something seriously up with her.

She could smell JC’s light cologne still in the air where he’d been sitting, and it drove her senses insane. She had to tell him somehow.

That night Grace had dreams filled with despair and pain, it was a night of lucid dreams – dreams she knew she could control if she wanted. She had the ability to face her fears, but she wasn’t strong enough to confront them and that hurt her. She awoke with the white sheet twisted around her body and slightly sweating, her hair was tangled and she cursed herself for not taking off her mascara. The mirror reflected a wretched girl, dark bags beneath her eyes and a bloated face. Inside she looked even worse, her heart hated her for not telling JC what Tara was doing, and she knew that every minute she let pass without saying something to him she was adding another fracture to his heart.

The alarm clock beside her bed started beeping loudly. Eight o’clock. Rise and shine, she thought, pulling her hair back into a ponytail and heading into the shower. The cascading water had made her body feel far too good and she’d spent too long under it. It meant that she was careering round the room, stuffing her clothes into her bag, the photos that she took everywhere with her, the alarm clock and the few pieces of make-up she possessed.

Hurriedly setting the sheets neatly she dashed from the room, bag over shoulder, hair still wet, art folio in her arms and key in mouth.

“Nice breakfast you got yourself,” Lance commented, meeting her in the hall. “You can slow down, we’re not leaving for about twenty minutes.”

Grace groaned and dropped her bag to the floor. “Someone could have told me.”

“I was on my way,” Lance said.

“Sorry, bad nights sleep.” She settled herself in the wide hallway, pulling out a pencil and finding a clean leaf of paper.

Lance sat down beside her. “What’s goin’ on in that modest head of yours? An’ don’t tell me nothing, I can tell these things,” his Southern drawl was cute, Grace liked it, and he raised his eyebrows as he awaited her answer.

She sighed. There was no escaping Lance. “Tara’s cheating on JC,” she murmured.

“Eeesh,” Lance exclaimed under his breath.

“Tell me about it.”

“Who with?”

“Haven’t a clue, some guy. Model material though.”

“JC doesn’t know.”

“I don’t think so-”

“No, he doesn’t. He wouldn’t be this cool with it. How much of a relationship do they have? Tara and this guy?”

Grace twisted her lips. “I don’t know for certain, so don’t quote me. But I have an unpleasant feeling they did the big-and-bad last night.”

“That’s why she was so ‘red faced’,” Lance mused.

“I figured it must be. I saw them go into a room together, just down the hall. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity.”

“We have to tell him.”

“I’ve wanted to, so much, but I can’t. I left her to tell him, he wouldn’t believe me.”

“Yes he would, Grace. Why would you lie to him?”

Grace didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t think of an excuse and she couldn’t put into words the truth. “I’ll tell him today. I’m spending four days in Philadelphia with some friends, so if he eternally hates me for telling him at least he doesn’t have to see me for a few days.”

Lance shook his head and was about to reply, when JC and Joey headed out of their room and over to them.

“Is everything all right?” JC asked, sitting down on her made bed. He was worried that something was troubling her because she’d brought him into her room alone to tell him something.

“No, everything’s not all right,” she said firmly. Okay, so that was easy so far, she sighed.

His sincere blue eyes gazed at her longingly, and he wanted her to tell him what was upsetting her. He saw her body trembling and her eyes were helpless.

Just as he was about to say something, Grace said, “Tara’s not being faithful to you.”

JC stared at Grace in disbelief and he fumbled uneasily with his fingers. “Grace?”

“Please don’t make this any harder,” she wept. “I’ve waited and waited for her to tell you, but she never did and I can’t watch her do this to you anymore.”

“Who?” JC felt his lungs collapsing and his throat constricted so that his breathing was laboured.

“I don’t know his name. I think he may be a model.” Grace suddenly couldn’t bear to look at him. Any sparkle had died in his eyes and run away with the one tear that trickled down his cheek. JC wouldn’t close his eyes for he knew that more tears would fall.

There was a knock at the door and it broke them both from their thoughts. “Time to go people!”

“We-we’ve gotta go,” JC mumbled, standing from the bed to find his leg muscles had turned to jelly.

“I’m-”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault,” he said. He was able to pull the corners of his lips up into somewhat of a smile, smearing the wet streak from his cheek and head out of the door.

The bus started, heading for the Highway to the next arena. Grace had briefly told Justin that she’d told JC about Tara and ‘little boy blue’ before she’d caught her cab to the nearest rental car place.

“Uh-Justin? You seen Grace?” JC mumbled, looking down at where Justin was seated with a Game Boy.

“Didn’t you know?”

“Know what?”

“Grace has gone to Philadelphia for four days to visit friends. We’re meeting her there when we do our concert at the First Union Spectrum.”

JC’s eyes dropped and Justin saw his whole body sink.

“I know,” Justin said.

JC sat down next to Justin and closed his eyes, tears tumbling down his cheeks as he dipped his head to hide them. Justin wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into a hug, JC giving into the warmth from possibly his best friend. “I think I knew myself,” he murmured. The tears tasted bitter in his mouth and he wanted to spit them out.

Tara wandered down the bus, her heels clicking on the hard surface as she searched for JC.

* * *