Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 13

GRACE was overjoyed to see her friend that lived in a suburb of Philadelphia, and it seemed she had planned four days of parties, and well, more parties. Jessica had invited two other friends over to get ready with them before they went clubbing – Tia and Linsy. They were all in Jess’ bedroom making sure their outfits were just so and applying make-up. Grace felt extremely welcomed by all three girls, but she’d never been clubbing with a group of girl friends before, it had always been with Justin, JC, Joey, Lance and Chris. Her nerves were like live wires, crackling and popping as the other girls chattered on about the guys they’d met the previous week.

“God you have such a great body!” Linsy cried, staring at Grace who had just emerged from the bathroom.

Grace peered down at her own figure, not quite as impressed as the other girls, but it wasn’t bad. Her stomach was tight from helping out with the tour, and her skin tanned just nicely from the places they’d visited. She was wearing a tiny white knit top with which the sleeves didn’t sit on her shoulders, being Grace she wouldn’t dare wear it without a bra for support so she’d opted for a black one to make an interesting combination. The girls had confiscated her pants she’d wanted to wear, and insisted on a wine colored skirt that she considered too short.

“Oh my gosh, I saw you at that concert, um-at the Hollywood Bowl. That was you, right?” Tia cooed excitedly.

“Yeah, I was there.”

“As Justin Timberlake’s date! Do you know how jealous I was?!” she said grinning at Grace in the mirror as she laced on mascara.

“Didn’t you know Grace and him are best friends? I’m sure I told you that,” Jess enquired.

“Things just get better – for you. Worse for us!” Tia giggled.

Jess’ mom called to them from downstairs to tell them their ride was there. Jess’ friends Steve and Rob were taking them to their favourite club and were waiting outside for them.

“One of you girls are gonna have to sit on my lap,” Rob told them.

“Well I’m the heaviest,” Tia cried, jumping into the front seat next to Steve.

“Grace’s must be the lightest,” Jess said, climbing in next to Linsy who had already taken the middle seat.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Rob asked her.

“Oh no, that’s fine,” Grace replied, slightly intimidated by the whole situation. Carefully she dipped her head down and sat on Rob’s lap, one of his arms around her waist and the other along the windowsill.

The club was bursting with young people, and some even in their late thirties grooving their way too the music. They’d been there for a couple of hours and Grace had pushed back her uneasiness and allowed Rob to latch on to her. Most of the guys meandered around with a bottle of beer in their hand in small flocks eyeing up all the girls. Grace regretted the fact that she was missing Justin and JC, even Joey and his roaming eye that could never get enough of the ladies. She hadn’t had time to think about JC and the whole mess with Tara and now with flashing lights darting in waves and dance music pouring into everyone’s bodies it wasn’t the right time.

“So are you a virgin?” Rob called over the music, his body close to hers as they danced.

“Why d’ya wanna know?” she replied.

“It’s just a normal question, guys get curious.”

“Yes I am, and quite happy that way,” Grace asserted truthfully. She flashed her eyes up at Rob and continued dancing.

“I’m kinda surprised,” he said.

“I look like an easy lay?” she asked.

“Nah, I mean, I dunno. No. You just seem pretty enough to have had a roll list of boyfriends, or at least one you’d been intimate with.”

“I was too different at High school, too arty. Too unconcerned with making sure I’d dated every eligible guy by freshman year, and had sex by the end of senior-prom.” Grace smiled to herself, yeah, she was happy with the way her life had been so far. “You?”

“Me? A virgin? Sorry, not me. Sophomore year at college baby, I’ve had some girls.”

“They had you more like,” Grace flirted.

“Oh really, and how’d you figure that one?” he said with a grin, putting an arm around her waist and stepping into her.

“You give the impression you like to be taken by girls,” she replied, putting a hand on the back of his neck.

“Are you gonna take me tonight?” he questioned, raising his eyebrows hopefully.

“Not likely,” she teased.

* * *

Confronting Tara had been one of the ugliest things JC had done in his life. He had already been crying when she’d walked up, and she had turned the dispute against him. If Justin hadn’t been there to vouch that he’d seen her being intimate with the guy at Disney World, and that Lance had seen her going into a hotel room with him the earlier night before (so there was a name change, but Justin didn’t feel Grace needed to be brought into it), JC could have possibly been ground into the floor of the bus.

‘Little boy blue’ turned out to be Brendan Rich, the hottest and most recent signed in Tommy Hilfiger model. Tara had met him through modelling and she wasn’t coy about telling JC she’d slept with him on more than one occasion. It was the comment about how lousy she thought he would be in bed that drove the lance through his heart. JC restrained Justin from letting his tongue fly loose at the spindly girl, although he felt like doing it himself.

JC’s only comfort was that he told her things were over, instead of her breaking it off with him. Tara was going to be dropped off in Columbus, Ohio to take the first flight back to Miami from the International Airport. Johnny was organizing the press release to tell everyone that JC was single again and wasn’t dating anyone. It was a big hassle and he knew the boys hated these things as much as he did.

The five portraits Grace had drawn of them had been framed and were to be auctioned off for charity, in Orlando when they returned home. JC was sat quietly by himself in one of the trailers gazing distantly at a small drawing Grace had drawn of himself that she’d given to him as a present. The way she could draw so photographically bewildered him and he found himself staring at her drawings a lot, just admiring what her hand could create.

“Yo, dude. What ya up to?” Justin asked, stepping into the trailer.

JC looked up and shrugged. “Nothin’ much.”

Justin saw the drawing that JC held. “You miss her?”

“I wish she’d told me she was going away.”

“Four days, man.”

“I never got to thank her for telling me about Tara.”

Justin sighed, “She was so scared to tell you. Wanted to give Tara a chance to tell you herself. Never came. Ever since we saw Tara at Disney World, she avoided her and that meant avoiding you.”

JC was surprised to hear that, he’d thought that Grace had evaded him because of the way he’d watched her through their performance of Digital Get Down, come to think of it he didn’t really know why he’d acted like that.

“You keep tellin’ everyone you’re fine and that you’re dealin’ with the break up with Tara fine, but I wanna know the dead honest truth.”

“I am dealing with it,” JC murmured. It was partly true, there was no other way but to get over it – she cheated on him and there wasn’t a way back from that. But dealing with it emotionally, that’s where he lied; it felt like Tara had set a part of his heart in concrete.

“We need you out for a sound check,” Justin said.

JC bounced up, putting the drawing back into his bag and clapped his hands. “Let’s go. I’m psyched and ready to grind to the beat that calls me.”

“He’s pushing himself way too hard, claims to be ‘dealing’ with the break up. He’s lying. There’s something not right with him,” Justin told Grace, holding his cell phone to his ear as he rummaged around his hotel room.

Grace closed her eyes in torture, imaging JC belting out the tunes harder than he’d ever done before, trying every possible means to push Tara from his mind.

I loved you endlessly, when you weren't there for me, so now it's time to leave and make it alone.

“Is there anything I can say to him?” Grace asked.

“He’s missing you, I think he wants to talk to you. Don’t ask what about, coz I ain’t got no clue.”

Don't wanna be a fool for you, just another player in your game for two.

“Why did I tell him, Justin?” she begged.

“Coz it was the right thing to do. He deserved to know, and you were obviously the best person to tell him because he believed you.”

Justin’s words still lingered in her head, she could see him pushing himself to the limit work wise, staying up to write songs and perfect dance moves, and reach higher notes.

I lived for you and me and now I've really come to see, that life would be much better once your gone.

“God I can’t wait till you guys pick me up in Philadelphia. I mean it’s great to see Jess again, but I don’t fit in with this life style anymore. I miss you guys too much.” It came from nowhere and she knew it, but it was how she felt.

“We all miss you too, Gracie. Hope you’re getting your beauty sleep.”

There was a silence.

“Grace,” Justin whined, not wanting to think how late she was keeping herself up worrying about JC.

“Justin,” she whined back. “Besides, I’ve been editing the stuff I’ve written on you guys, going through the photos etc. It’s all good fun, and I haven’t been going to sleep that late. Anyway, they keep dragging my clubbing and I’m alert then, plucking Jess’ friend Rob from my body when he gets to drunk – the normal college stuff.”

Justin laughed a little. “Pulling in the guys, huh?”

“No, they come with no invitation.”

He twisted it and she knew, making a noise in the back of her throat in disgust before laughing herself.

“They’re all surprised to hear I’m a virgin.”

“Well I am, partially.”

“You can’t talk Mr. Timberlake,” she teased.

“Look, I have to go, work calls in the form of JC – the new Sergeant Marshall around here. Off to perfect my smooth moves,” he drawled.

“Give JC a kiss from me, and say hi to the others.”

“Will do, you too. Have fun and don’t loose your innocence before we arrive!” Justin hung up the phone just as JC jumped into the trailer to grab his arm and haul him out for rehearsal. Grasping JC’s face with both hands on his cheeks, Justin gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek before jumping out of the trailer.

“What they hell was that for?!” JC exclaimed, jogging after him and wiping his cheek.

“From Grace.”

“You were just talking to her?” he asked, slightly quieter.

“Uh-huh. Getting lots of boooy-attention,” he cooed, grinning at JC.

* * *

Grace had excused herself from the party that Jess was throwing, and wandered into the midnight air. There were about ten of Jess’ friends, including Tia, Linsy, Rob and Steve and loud music thumped from the stereo as Steve changed the CD. She reached up and pulled out the hair elastic that held it up roughly. Her hair tumbled down around her and it smelt good, it smelt of home, home with *NSync, Johnny and the rest of the team. ‘Home is where the heart is,’ and her heart was with them.

She sat down on the deck stairs and gazed at the sky with its endless supply of fireflies glittering far away. JC would not get off her mind, his face, his cologne, his smile…the fact that she knew he was hurting. Her mind drifted to Rob, nothing had happened with him, it was just meaningless flirting and it made them both feel good.

Tomorrow morning she’d see the five people who she trusted more than she would know for a long time. Grace sighed and her breathing was peaceful, she was relaxed and calm just thinking about them. The watch on her wrist was all that she could hear, the tick-tick-tick filling the still air.

* * *

Everyone was genuinely pleased to have Grace back on board, and the show in Philadelphia had a far more intense show than in Michigan. The road then took them to Massachusetts and New York City, which led them straight through Connecticut where Grace had spent a large part of her childhood. She’d lived in Fairfield with her grandparents when her mom had joined *NSync as their stylist back in 1995, before then she’d lived near Justin in Tennessee attending High school with him.

Her grandparents had invited all five boys and Johnny up for a huge breakfast before they left the City for Hershey. No one was going to turn down the offer of Grace’s grandma’s home cooking, and the guys were looking forward to escaping the screaming fans that plagued them in New York. They even seemed to know where they were going to be before they did.

Everyone was seated around the large oak table in the kitchen, bacon blistered over the heat and maple syrup covered the fluffy waffles, cutlery scraping eagerly on the china as the good food was shovelled into hungry mouths.

“Is that you’re dad?” JC asked, Grace wandering into the living room to see where he’d gone.

She looked over his shoulder to the photograph he was pointing at. “Yeah,” she murmured.

“Do you miss him?”

“A bit. Him and mom separated when I was six, he moved back to England just over a year after. The last twelve years have been too hectic ad busy for me to visit him.”

“Hey, you got a cute English accent, that’s always a bonus,” JC said smiling.

“I still sound British?”

“A bit,” he mused, tilting his head. “Certain things you say, when you get cross, that kinda thing.”

She laughed. “He always stays in contact, I get parcels and letters at College. Lives in some small house in the country near Oxford.”

“And English chocolate – that’s the best! And your brother, he’s twenty-two?”

“You pay too much attention to what I say.”

“It’s interesting,” JC replied. She looked at him sceptically. “Seriously!”

“You’re working yourself too hard.”

JC’s blue eyes fixed on hers.

“How do I know? You’ve never looked so tired and exhausted as you do right now. Why are you doin’ it to yourself?”

He wanted to lie to her, to change the subject so no one would know how he was feeling. “Tara,” he murmured miserably.

At the utterance of her name Grace pulled him into a hug, holding him so close their hearts were merely skin away. She could feel his heartbeat and his soft breath in her hair as he hid his face.

“I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.” There was more to what he said, it wasn’t just Tara’s sharp words that rung in his head.

“Just hold me,” Grace whispered under her breath. JC’s arms held her closer and he melted in her arms, arms that had so much tenderness for anyone who asked.

* * *