Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 14

CAMERAS flashed off all around the studio, JC rolled his eyes back and stuck out his tongue. Justin was doing his best impression of Taz and Lance was being laid-back as usual crouched in the front. Grace was also taking some photos, which she intended to sketch when she got back to College, something to remind her of them – as if she needed anything else to prompt her thoughts of the five talented men.

“That’s a wrap,” the cameraman called, beginning to clear up his equipment.

All five relaxed from their poses and stood up. JC had grown springs in his feet again and did a back flip across to where Grace was stood.

“I miss touring and everything, but God it’s nice to have a break!” he said grinning at her.

“I can tell,” she mused, eyeing him suspiciously. “What illegal substances has he been taking?”

The other guys just shrugged and laughed amongst themselves. Sometimes she just gave up hope of sanity and being in on the private jokes.

“Party, that’s what we need,” Joey said loudly.

“Not this afternoon, I’m taking a well earned break to do some jet-skiing,” Lance muttered, slipping out of the jacket he’d been wearing for the photo shoot.

Justin just smiled happily. “It’s so good to be back in Orlando.”

“How many more interviews do you have?” Grace asked.

“Too many,” JC whined.

“You’d have thought after five years they’d give up asking you what you’re favourite colors and movies are,” she said, pulling a quizzical expression.

Everyone laughed, JC putting an arm around her shoulder. “You still fit into the age group of ‘hormonal’ teenager, you do realize that.”

“Just coz ‘teen’ happens to come after nine, doesn’t make me hormonal.”

“That’s right, you just are without the teen part,” Lance grinned, resting his arm round her from the other side as they wandered down the hallway.

“Support, such support! I haven’t asked you to sign my underwear yet.”

“Underwear? I’ll sign your underwear,” Joey called, racing up behind them.

Grace screamed and pulled free of JC and Lance to face him, her eyes watching him. “I’m coming jet-skiing with you,” she said to Lance.

“Let’s all go jet-skiing!”

Lance and Grace groaned as they walked ahead with their arms over each other’s shoulders. “Aren’t we the lucky ones?”

In all her years with them, she’d never been jet-skiing and so Lance had pulled her onto the back of his. All of them sped through the water at a favourite haunt of theirs in Tampa. Grace held onto Lance’s waist, pushing her wet hair out of her face as they skimmed across the water. He turned a tight corner and a fan of water droplets covered JC who shook his head and followed after them.

The weather was gorgeous and intensely hot, but the water cooled them down and washed away the strain from touring that had cloaked their skin. Grace’s grip on Lance loosened and she fell off in the end, floating in the bay with her long hair swirling around her like a tangle of seaweed. JC slowed up along side her, screams in the background as he offered a hand to pull her up behind him. They almost toppled the Jet Ski trying to get her on, and Grace ended up giggling hysterically.

Her laugh was like a hook that caught the corners of his lips and tugged them into an eternal smile that he thought he’d never lose. Having her fingers grasping him around the waist and her wet body heaving silently behind him just liquefied all hassle in his blood and soothed his aching muscles.

“Let’s get Chris, he looks far too dry,” Grace called to him, not letting go of his sturdy body. She wondered how it was possible to feel his heart beat through his life jacket. Her wet legs shimmered like a slippery fish as the sun rays bounced off them, her blue eyes studying the well-toned muscles that rippled beneath his skin. More water cascading over them broke the gaze from her face and she hid her face using JC as a wall of protection.

“I’m getting soaked here!” JC cried. “And I get the feeling I’m being a highly useful screen for you.”

Joey’s idea of a party wavered out for the day, anyway, and him and Justin were off to ‘live it up’ at a club in Orlando for the night. Chris was spending some much deserved time with Danielle and Lance was meeting for dinner with Meredith Edwards to discuss ‘business’. JC had insisted on renting some movies and making Grace dinner to properly thank her for telling him about what Tara was doing.

“JC, you didn’t have to do all this just to say thank you. Friends are supposed to be there for each other, I wasn’t going to stand back any longer and watch her hurt you.”

“Will you quit telling me I didn’t have to do this?” JC protested, taking their empty plates to the dishwater.

“It was good. Really good,” she said. “Thank you.”

“Now, I kinda suck when I comes to desert…so I decided to improvise.” JC placed a bowl in front of her. Her eyes widened as the scoop of vanilla ice cream encircled with Hershey’s kisses registered.

She smiled and laughed lightly. “It’s just what I need.” They took their carefully prepared ice cream into the living room and just put some music on as they sat down on the couch facing each other. “My dad’s booked in a vacation to come see me over Christmas,” she mumbled, sucking on a Hershey’s kiss.

“Wow, I’m so glad you’re finally gonna see each other after so long.”

“I guess, it’s gonna be pretty weird though. I was a child when he last saw me. Jack’s coming down from Vancouver, so it’s a big family reunion thing.”

“I’ve only met your brother a couple of times.”

“He didn’t cope well with mom and dad’s separation, especially when dad moved back to England,” she said quietly, her eyes following the texture lines of the couch. “So, is everything cleared up with you and Tara?” Grace knew she was changing the subject, and JC’s eyes told her that he knew she was too, but they also showed understanding.

“There wasn’t really much to clear up. After I confronted her on the bus, she left and flew back to Miami and I haven’t heard from her since. I’m sorry I never said anything that day she was rude to you – when you were drawing.”

Grace’s mind ticked back to the incident he was talking about. His nose is too big and you’ve set the eyebrows too low. She wanted to blot the snapping voice from her head, but Tara just wouldn’t leave. Simply, she sat in the back of Grace’s mind and just watched her with harsh eyes and a mocking laugh. You never know it might be the thin line between succeeding and failing.

“That’s okay,” Grace lied. “She’s entitled to her opinion.” There was a pause as they let ice cream melt in their mouths.

“I was foolish not to realize that she was seeing someone else.”

“When you’re in a relationship with someone I don’t think you want to believe something like, the love you feel for them doesn’t allow you too…well I assume,” she trailed off.

“Are you sure you’re not forgetting a relationship in your past, I just can’t believe you’ve never been with someone.”

“I’ve been with guys, I’ve had intimate moments with them – accidental – I consider them as gaining experience.”

JC raised his eyebrows and studied her face.

“My first kiss, just before I turned sixteen – the best lesson I learnt – just coz a guy’s good looking and popular doesn’t make him good at kissing.”

JC laughed and Grace did too at the memory. He shook his head, “You deserve such a good guy.”

“Please don’t get into too much mushy-gushy stuff,” Grace said wrinkling up her face and putting her bowl down. Talking about her and possible future relationships in the same sentence scared her. It was like setting herself up for heartbreak and she felt she’d encountered enough of that at High school with guys who never noticed her.

“I thought Tara was going to be the one to make a difference, guess I shouldn’t ever be a gambler.”

Grace laughed. “The public eye went to her head, she doesn’t cope with national attention like you do.” JC was quiet in thought and she jumped up, rummaging through her bag. Changing the CD she pushed it forward a couple of tracks and skipped the first part of the song. By now JC was watching her curiously.

Grace whipped round with a grin on her face. “This could be your final heartbreak!” she sung with Jessica Simpson, snapping her hips, thrusting her hands about and pulling an oh-so-serious face. “Never say goodbye, never make you cry.”

JC clapped and whistled loudly and Grace continued to dance around. She grabbed his hand and he took his place next to her.

“This could be your final heartbreak!” they sung together. “I’ll let you feel a love so real, I’ll let you know.” The confidence that oozed from Grace’s smile encouraged JC to loosen up, hammering out his own moves that far surpassed Grace.

Grace looked deep into JC’s eyes. “You will forget, she will regret letting you go.”

As the song continued they sang louder and JC broke off into the background crooning away on a tangent. He tipped his head up as he reached the higher notes and his eyes closed tightly as though he was fighting torture that could be seen slashed through his expressive blue eyes and one hand gripped his shirt near his heart.

Grace almost stopped singing as she watched him, sure, she’d watched him perform many a time but never this close. The passion in his voice and the agony that she knew was covered in his eyes took away the beat from her feet and she found herself watching him.

His eyes opened and he saw she’d stopped singing and dancing and was standing before him with wide alarmed eyes. JC acted on impulse and swept her into his arms hugging her. “Thank you so much, Grace. I needed to let loose and you allowed me too,” he murmured. He added a little laugh; “I’m so helpless without you around.”

The phone began to ring and Grace hit the music off so JC could answer it. With no music and just the telephone buzzing a connection between them snapped, and easiness faded with the uptight screeching off the phone.

JC picked up the receiver. “Hello?” Grace cleared up their bowls and padded towards the kitchen. “Tara?”

Grace slumped down on his bed, staring angrily at the ceiling. Tara had called from somewhere in downtown Orlando in tears – Brendan had just broken up with her. What a shame, Grace bit. She’d heard Tara’s wailing voice as her feet had shot roots into the wooden floor, unable to drag herself away from JC. Tara had begged JC to come see her and he’d agreed to meet her, apologizing to Grace as he fled from the house.

“You’ve been letting yourself fall for him, haven’t you?” Grace asked herself aloud in the quiet room. “How senseless was that?” But I feel something more when I’m with him, she pleaded with her voice. “Hmm, well look where you are now – alone. And where is he? With Tara. He would never love you like he loves her, he still wants her back.”

Cold tears slid slowly from the corners of her eyes and into her hair. Pain crept into every part of her body, like maggots eating her inside out. She felt more and more hollow with every aching breath. The pain was familiar with vulnerable bodies and it wormed its way straight towards the weakest organ inside her, as it seeped helplessness into her blood. The helplessness-saturated blood wheedled its way into her mind and began gnawing gradually away at the hope that hid there.

Grace let out a sob and her body shuddered uncontrollably and big droplets drenched her hair, turning it a musty straw color and it lost the radiance that had clung to it all night. I need him, she trembled, but the words only increased the agony that eat away at her tender flesh and mind. The dreams and hope that sailed aboard the sailboats in her head were smashed as the masts cracked and fell to the deck, lightning splintering through the sky and the cruel waters of the abyss sucking them into its depths.

JC wandered into the quiet house, locking the door behind him and calling out Grace’s name. There was no answer as he stuck his head into the rooms downstairs. Jogging up the stairs he quietly opened his bedroom door and saw her curled up on top of his bed. There was a nagging feeling that told him he shouldn’t have left her like he did, but that was done now.

The bed sunk as he sat down beside her and he stroked a strand of hair from her face. “I don’t know if you’re awake and if you are I don’t know what you’re thinking,” he murmured as he watched his fingers fiddling with the keys he held. “I just want you to know that I only saw Tara because I remotely knew how she was feeling. Nothing happened even though she wanted to get back together.”

JC glanced down at her and body rose and fell in a way that glazed his eyes over. Swallowing fear, he said softly, “When you’ve loved someone for so long you can’t cheat yourself from what you feel.”

She rolled over and placed a gentle hand over his, which was anxiously rubbing the sheets.