Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 18

“HI JC.”

Wes appeared behind her in the doorway and looked apologetically at JC and Grace. “Sorry, she kinda demanded to see you straight away. Didn’t think about asking you first until it was too late. Sorry man.”

“No worries,” JC replied.

“It doesn’t take you long to schmooze onto the next girl, does it? I should have guessed it would have been her.”

Once again, Grace felt belittled and scruffy next to Tara’s spotlessly turned out outfit and make-up. There wasn’t a flaw in her face. This was the part where she would usually defend herself and throw something back to lessen the acidity of Tara’s words.

“Watch who you’re calling ‘her’,” JC growled. Now was no better time to stand up against her for once.

The furrows of distaste in Tara’s face seemed to dissolve and her eyes resembled those of a woe-eyed fawn. “I thought we’d had something special?” she whimpered.

Tara’s change in posture, tone and expression alarmed Grace, what was she up to? Then she saw JC’s body sigh a little.

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you, I’ve missed you so much.” Tara moved towards JC and reached out to brush his cheek with her delicate fingers.

Grace wanted to sink into the floor, to melt away and stay melted for a long while. Seeing JC and Tara together again caused her eyes fall and a grave silence to embed itself in her. From her cowering position she looked blankly at Tara’s slim form – the image of perfection, what every man might dream of. The brown hair, the dark eyes, she was JC’s picture of perfection.

He shrunk away from her, his eyes scowling at her as though he’d felt the fire blazing from her fingertips as she stretched out to burn his vulnerable skin. “No.” He reassured himself. “No. I don’t want to see you anymore.” There was no more he wanted to say.

Her voice trembled as she spoke, “But I want things to work with us, I want to be your friend again and be a part of your life.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, don’t you see? We never were friends, Tara. You weren’t interested in having a friendship with me.”

“I was! You never gave me a chance!” Tara turned and ran from the room, burying her face in her hands.

Grace’s heart sunk when she saw him start after her, he can never love you, never. His heart is bound to her. She let her knees collapse and she slid to the floor, covering her face as she tried to release what she felt for him. The imprint he’d made in her flesh and essence was to deep and binding to be removed from her soul in the click of her fingers.

A shadow fell over her and she looked up, JC stood before her with gentle blue eyes showing every sign of concern that a person could show. Her eyes trembled. He hadn’t followed Tara out of the room.

JC helped Grace to her feet, his hand falling on her cheek as his eyes darted across her face. Suddenly he pulled her into an adoring hug and held her tenderly, a sure kiss falling on her cheek.

“I’m not running out on what we have,” he murmured. Grace realized that he would never run out on her again. Their friendship was too tightly knit now.

Tara slammed the car door and glared at the lanky man seated in the drivers seat, smoking a cigarette and pensively watching a group of teenage girls messy about on the street corner.

“Well that worked,” Tara snapped.

The guy glanced at her over the top of his Ray Bans, smoke curling out of his nose as he licked his lips.

“Look, this ‘relationship’ is over, I don’t want your money anymore. I’m catching the next flight back to Miami. I have a shoot with Brendan for a new cologne in two days.”

“Running back to your lover? Don’t worry Tara, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

“JC’s not as stupid as you think he is,” she said, wrinkling up her nose in disgust as she waved the smoke from her face.

His voice was calm and collected. “I know that. Did I ever say I thought he was stupid?”

Tara couldn’t think of a harsh reply and she wasn’t going to tell him ‘no’, which is what he wanted to hear, so she just ignored the question.

“Anything suspicious going on up there?” he asked, glancing up at the huge hotel building.

“The only thing I could tell you is that you might as well forget your story about Justin and the blond girl. Guess that is no more.”

His glittering green eyes perked up behind the shades and he pulled them off, looking directly at Tara. “Money for information, you know how I work.”

“Seems as though she’s the object of JC’s affection, or his hands at least,” she scowled.

“Ooh, ouch. JC’s already moved on?”

“Look, pay me what you owe me and I’m outta here.”

Handing her the wad of bills he sighed, “I’ll miss you Tar, like hell I will.”

“Quit being such a jerk,” Tara said, shoving the money into her handbag and getting out of the car without another word.

Oz took another drag of his cigarette and shifted into a more upright position, the leather upholstery creaking as he started up the car. “JC and the blond, huh? All touchy feely?” That’s what Tara had seemed to imply. “Oooh it just turns me on at the thought.”

* * *

College was no more interesting that she’d expected it to be and Grace was milling around late after a class, putting the finishing touches to her piece. Although work was taking up all of her time, her mind was busied with thoughts of JC. Lately she’d resulted to listening to their album a lot in order to hear their voices whenever she didn’t get to talk to them via phone.

She sensed someone watching her and looked up to see Alyx standing in the doorway. Her body seemed to sigh and then braced itself in wait of the string of comments to come.

“Spying on me?” she asked, washing the paintbrush off in a jar of murky water.

“Depends on your definition of spying. More importantly I was thinking about why you could be working late?” he said, wandering over to her.

“Because I want to?”

Alyx seemed to shrug slightly, but obviously wasn’t put down. “How ‘bout you come take a break with me?”

“Why do I always have to be taking a time-out, or going to a party or doing something else?”

“Because you work yourself too hard. Those guys…”

Grace rolled her eyes, somehow it always came back to *NSync, but this time she managed to blot out his voice. “No Alyx, they’re good for me. I lose a passion when I come back to college, passion that I wish I could keep the whole time.”

“You need to put your feet back on earth and try making more friends who are your own age and at college with you. Not a group of guys who travel round the world wooing crowds.”

Sometimes she realized how much she hated the words that he spoke, words that came out in such a tone that it was like he was a commanding God over her. Well he wasn’t, he didn’t understand nor was she about to sit around and explain.

“Look, look at you now. You’ve started crashing things around to escape. Why, Grace? Why?”

She thrust down her paints and glared coldly at him. “Why don’t you leave me alone?”

“Because I care about you.”

“Funny kinda care, Alyx. It didn’t take you two seconds to get your tongue down my throat when I was slightly tipsy on vodka.”

“I like you, Grace, in that kind of way,” he bit back, aggravated that she’d been so harsh in her wording of the incident.

“In a tongue-down-throat kind of way? Thanks.” Grace continued to pack up her things.

“No, not like that. That was impulsive,” he protested, following her out of the art room.

“Why did you come see me?”

His face loosened and realized he didn’t remember why he’d come to see her. “Because I still like you? Actually, the truth is I can’t remember why I came to see you-”

“So now’s a good time to not remember why and leave me be,” she cut in.

“Come out with a group of us tonight? People who’re your friends,” Alyx pleaded.

Grace paused and watched him with crazy blue eyes. “Call me selfish, stupid, whatever, but I don’t trust anybody here. I don’t belong.”

He didn’t move from the corridor as she stormed off, only let out a growl of frustration, “Damn it Grace!”

Grace’s phone was ringing when she pushed through the door into her dorm, and she grabbed it beeping it on.

“Hello?” she said, dumping her bag on her bed and leaning out of the window to see if anyone was about.

“Grace? It’s mom.”

“Hi, it’s good to hear your voice.”

“Bad day?”

“A lot of them seem to be bad at the moment,” Grace replied, waving to the person in a dorm across the way. “So, howz everything with you guys?”

“Good. I have some news for you actually, I’m not sure you’ll consider it great news, but it’s good for the boys.”

“Fire away.”

“At the end of spring break, we’re headed out East for a European tour that’s gonna last about seven or eight months.”

Her body went rigid as she processed the information. “Europe? Seven or eight months? Wow, that’s gonna be so cool. You guys haven’t really been to Europe on tour since the first album.” Grace tried to sound as brave as she could possibly be, but her voice was trembling and she wanted to cry. The whole summer vacation, without them?

“Yeah, it will be nice. I thought you could go up and stay with granny and grandpa for the summer, visit some friends in Connecticut?”

“Mmm-hmm, that’d be nice.” Being with them would be nicer. Grace scowled at herself for being so selfish about the whole thing; the boys deserved the tour branching back out to Europe where they’d first had success.

“What you doin’ tonight?”

“I was just heading out for a walk.”

“Look, I have to go, duty is calling me in the form of Chris. I just wanted to tell you ahead of time. We’re all expecting you for spring break though.”

“I won’t be missing it.”

The air was fresh as she walked along Long Beach, oblivious to the scenery that she usually spent so much time gazing at and sucking up. Right now all that came to mind was the looming absence of JC, Justin and the other guys for the entire summer break. Telling Alyx was not an option because constant badgering to travel around with him for the summer would be the upshot. Grace sat down on a bench and revelled in the comfort of her snug jacket as her hair was tossed about.

“Kinda cold out this evening, isn’t it?” someone said, sitting down on the bench next to her.

She looked up with a startled expression to see a man with spiky auburn hair and thin lips framed by the dusk sky beside her. “Yeah, it is,” she replied nervously, turning back to watch the sea but her mind still on the stranger.

“You come here often?”

“Sometimes.”

He could sense that she was being closed-off and that was understandable, she’d never met him before. “Bray Charlston.”

“Grace.” She wasn’t revealing anymore than he needed to know.

“Pretty name.”

“Thanks.”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m still at college,” she replied.

“California State University?”

“Yeah.”

After about an hour Grace found herself sitting in a hip coffee house in the Lakewood area chatting to Bray about her art courses and life, and he’d told her about his job as a kindergarten teacher in Santa Monica and his girlfriend who had died a year back in a drive-by shooting. She hadn’t quite figured out what she was doing with this guy she’d only just met, but she felt comfortable and at ease talking with him.

“So where’d your parents live?”

It had finally come, the ‘family’ question that she tried to avoid so much. “My mom works for *NSync,” she said casually.

“Whoa, that’s pretty impressive. You know them?”

“Yeah, they’re good friends of mine.”

“And your dad? Brothers and sisters?”

“My dad lives at home in Memphis, and my brother is at college in Vancouver.” So she lied, but it wouldn’t make any difference to the stranger.

“A lot of kids at the Elementary school where I work love *NSync, they rave on about their older siblings going to their concerts and stuff.”

“They’re good guys with a lot of talent and energy.” Now she really was sounding like the magazines.

* * *

Grace regularly bumped into Bray down by the beach and at the coffee house, and they had an easy-going friendship that didn’t demand anything more physical – and wouldn’t. She still barely knew him, and despite their ability to chat effortlessly, he was still a foreigner to her life, and she to his. Besides, with the prominent clanging in her head to remind her that every day drew her closer to saying goodbye to her best friends for the best part of a year, all she could think about was JC and Justin.

As the night dwindled away, they sat in his old Mustang convertible at a drive-in movie chewing on popcorn and talking occasionally.

“I’ve never asked, but do you have a boyfriend?”

“I’ve only known you about a week, there still lots that we don’t know about each other. But no, I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.” She wasn’t going to add in, nor had she ever had one at all. I think I may be flirting with you, came his voice again. Grace wasn’t sure why the words rang in her head so often, but they came drifting back at random times to almost haunt her.

“Why? A nice girl like you should. You’re easy to talk to and you have a great body.” Bray’s green eyes twinkled impishly in the moonlight and he smiled widely.

“You shouldn’t be looking.”

“It’s hard not to notice,” he said smoothly, his voice like caramel. Stay on track, you still don’t know everything yet, came a little voice in the back of his head.

The velvetiness of his voice put a shiver down her spine and a few lumps of popcorn calmed her nerves as she averted her eyes back to the large screen.

“What about the guys in *NSync, aren’t you attracted to any of them?” he asked.

“Well of course, they’re all very attractive in their own ways-”

“Not like that, romantically, physically, sexually.”

Grace feared that she’d gulped out loud, but Bray hadn’t seem to have noticed, he just continued to watch her with his prominent eyes.

“Um-” she hummed a bit, trying to distract from the question.

Come on Grace; fill me in on the details. You and JC, what’s the deal then? Sleeping together? Just kissing? The overwhelming need for facts and details inundated him, but a nagging tingly in his body reminded him how much wanted to be with a girl and to touch her.

“There’s this guy, JC, we’re really close friends-”

He laughed, “Aw c’mon, you can’t fool me with that!” Bray hoped he sounded sincere enough.

“I don’t know if I like him or not.”

Finally he gave in to waiting for her to bring it up and asked, “Have you kissed? Had sex with him yet?”

“No! Neither!” she exclaimed, looking at him in horror.

Tone it down a bit, tone it down, he thought. “I’m sorry, I just thought you meant you were close with him.” Easy does it. “Do you ever think about him in that way?”

Grace didn’t want to discuss this with him; she didn’t know how she felt herself without having to tell someone else. Someone she didn’t know very well. “Could we go? I’m really tired.”

I bet you’re tired. “Of course, whatever you want, Grace.” Bray drove out of the drive-in and headed back towards the University at Long Beach. In the strong lights from the cinema screen he’d noticed that the dye in his hair was beginning to grow out at the roots. “So, you never answered me. Do you ever think about JC in a physical way?”

Just say what you want to say, Grace growled at him. “Maybe you should drop me off and I’ll catch a cab back. I don’t wanna talk about this.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Bray groaned, pulling off onto a side street and stopping the car.

Grace looked around at the gloomy warehouse to one side of them and the rundown houses and apartments on the other. What a place to live, she thought. “I’ll see you round,” she called, jumping out of the car.

“Whoa up.” Bray was beside her before she’d even noticed he’d got out of the car too.

“What?” she asked, slightly frustrated and anxious as to why he wouldn’t leave her alone.

“I wanted to kiss you goodnight,” he whispered, leaning forward to place his lips over hers.

Grace pulled back away from his and glowered at him, desperately trying to hide the fear that wrinkled into her forehead. “No. That’s not a good idea. I’m sorry.” She turned and began to walk away from him.

“Don’t walk away from me.” Bray grabbed her arm and dragged her towards the warehouse, pushing her against its frosty metal wall.

She covered her face as though he was going to hit her, but it never came.

“You think I’d hit you?” His eyes burned with despair. “Why would think I’d hurt you?” he questioned, running his hand over her cheek.

“You just threw me against this wall,” she said quietly, her voice trembling with fright. There was no one around, just the cars that sped up and down the Boulevard.

“Oh Grace, don’t be scared,” he voice had taken on the tone of an adult to a child and it petrified her even more. “There’s so much I have to tell you. So much.” He seemed to drift off in thought for a moment and Grace considered trying to get free and run, but almost as if he read her mind his eyes shot back to watching her.

“Please, can I just go home?”

“Soon. I need to talk to you first.”

“Couldn’t we go somewhere warmer?” Somewhere with lots of people.

“It’s beautiful out here, just you and me.”

She wanted to close her eyes and escape his that bore into her, studying her face and body, but she couldn’t close them because tears would fall and he’d see how frightened she was. “Bray-”

“Yeah, that’s the first thing I wanted to talk about. My name’s not actually Bray,” his voice was harsher this time and her body reacted to it, every muscle tightening. “We’ve met before actually, nearly a year ago. Double Tree hotel, Arizona, last year.”

Grace’s brain began to work overtime, a jumble of memories making it impossible to know what he was talking about.

“Oz Quest. How could you forget me?” he said, a sly grin creasing into his lips.

* * *