Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 21

SO the night was over for the rest of the guys, but JC and Grace were still buzzing as they fed from the energy that they created for the other from them. Yes, it was as confusing as it sounds, but it was passionate as they looked, touched, but didn’t devour.

“Hey JC,” Justin called.

JC glanced up from his embrace with Grace as they swayed to the calm melody created by guitars and a smooth voice. She had her back to him but was leant against him as he wrapped his arms around her.

“We’re gonna catch a cab back, okay?” Justin said. He saw JC was about to protest and insist that he drive them back, but he wasn’t going to let them ruin what they were beginning to realise. “No buts. Have a nice night, and don’t go to bed too late.”

Grace smiled at Justin and Lance as the other four headed out of the club, completely at ease in JC’s strong arms. Sometimes you feel there is no fun, that’s why you turn and run…Well I don’t wanna live my life, too many sleepless nights…I’m walking away from the troubles in my life… The music caressed her aching head and JC’s fingers gently rubbed over hers. She was amazed by the way he could naturally keep in time with the beat, his body guiding hers as they dominated the dance floor.

They danced for a couple more slow songs before they wandered off the dance floor and out into the dark night, which by now was early morning. Grace tipped her head back to look at the stars that filled the midnight canvas, twirling around slowly and laughing lightly.

“It’s so enchanting to just look up at the stars and wonder what’s out there,” she murmured.

JC caught her as she nearly tripped from dizziness. “You’re mad,” he laughed. “And it’s an amazing quality.”

“Thanks for a really good night, I had such a great time.”

“You too, I’ve decided you’re a closet dancer.”

Grace laughed as she climbed in the passenger side of the black Cherokee and JC started up the engine. They ended up just driving around the different streets and talking.

“Do you wanna get out and walk along the beach?” he asked, slowing down as the reached one of his favourite stretches of coastline.

“Yeah, I would.”

The sand was soft and cool as it pushed through their toes and the waves crashed rhythmically in the darkness.

“Ouch,” Grace exclaimed, JC turning back to just make out Grace standing clutching one foot.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to warn you there’s a thin band of shingle half way down.” He hurried over to her and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her across the pebbles.

“Such a gentleman,” Grace teased, her hair blowing gently in the breeze.

“Can’t take a girl to the beach and let her hurt herself,” JC defended, putting her down in the sand and taking her hand he led her down to the water. As they stood on the damp sand Grace felt a shiver wavering across her skin and JC looked at her. Touching her arm he found she had goose pimples and slipped out of his jacket, helping her into it.

“You really don’t have to,” Grace said, but inside she really did want him to give it to her, and she pulled it closer around her body. It smelt of him, rich and with a sexy musky aroma like non-other. “Do you come here a lot?”

“I used to, when I was young it was my favourite place in Orlando to come to. Just to escape. But now I can’t even come here without being recognised and hounded for autographs and photos.”

“I don’t think I could cope with that, I need time alone and if I couldn’t come to my favourite place and be given the space I craved…I just think I’d go insane.”

“The only place I can really find a haven now, is in the people I love and care for. When I’m with them nothing else matters.”

I needed a shoulder to cry on, had no direction until I met you, everything is gonna be all right. Looking out beyond the stars, searching always wishing, often I thought that love would escape me…

“Sometimes the people you love are the only thing that can wipe away your tears,” she murmured. The night with Oz came back to her, the way he’d touched her and made her feel. The way he just didn’t care. Grace closed her eyes and wished it would all go away, the pain, the way she hated herself, the way he had defiled her with his eyes alone.

“Grace?” he whispered, she’d suddenly fallen quiet and he turned her to face him. The silent tears that fell from her eyes caught in the moonlight, revealing themselves to him. “Oh Grace.” Gently he cupped her face in his hands and leant forward, kissing the fresh tear that tumbled down her skin, he could taste it against his lips and her skin quivered beneath his mouth.

Grace wanted him to kiss her, to kiss her properly, but she began to doubt her reasons for why she wanted him to. Was it to purely feel what love could really be like, to taste true love, to show Oz that she wasn’t going to be damaged by him?

“Oz,” she gasped, “He made me feel so degraded and evil. Like the way he touched me made me become part of what he was. I want so bad to forget what happened with him,” she wept.

“You can’t believe that’s true, he’s the immoral one, he did this to you and he violated your trust. He’s a lonely sick man who wanted someone to feel as corrupt as he did, and the only way he could do that was to sexually assault young girls whose trust he violated.”

JC’s firm and unwavering voice gave her confidence, and she laughed through her tears. “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you in my life?”

“The people we meet in our lives are met for a purpose, whether we ever discover the purposes ourselves, I couldn’t say, but I know you’ve become a part of my heart.”

Back in his Jeep, they sat on the backseat in the parking lot with all the windows open and the wind blowing through. Grace was exhausted and she was curled up on the seat, her head in JC’s lap as he sensitively combed his fingers through her hair. She still clutched his jacket around her body as though with it, his arms held her safely.

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two, and I'm nobody without someone like you, I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me. JC watched her open eyes as they stared out of the window with a far-off look. She scared him because he didn’t know to what depths the feelings he felt went, that alone told him that it was something serious. Never before had he not been able to understand and judge his feelings for a girl, but now he was sat there with the most stunning girl lying in his lap.

Grace watched the star twinkling, she’d picked one out, it wasn’t anything special, just an ordinary star a million miles away. Soon JC would be a million miles away, he’d never been anything important in her life in a romantic-love type of way, but now with the looming departure for Europe creeping nearer she realized that maybe the person she’d been searching for had been right before her the whole time. I can only wonder how, touching you would make me feel, but if I take that chance right now, tomorrow will you want me still…?

JC convinced himself to lift her up and hold her in his arms, as he sat sideways on the backseat Grace cradled between his thighs and her face close to his. And that’s how they fell asleep on their last night alone together.

* * *

The realization that they were really leaving for eight months to Europe suddenly hit a couple of days before their plane was due to leave. Johnny was excited for the boys, and all of them were pleased to be visiting the home that had opened the doors to their success. JC had grasped the fact that if Europe hadn’t given them their key to fulfilling their dreams, that he’d have never really met Grace. Her mom wouldn’t have worked with them, and Grace would have stayed as Justin’s best friend, someone he might have met on possible occasions, but he would never have had the chance to build the relationship he had with her now. That’s what he was assuring himself.

Grace had begun to mooch around as the day came nearer, and she’d lost the ability to hide her misery with a masquerade of stretched happiness.

“Hey babe,” Justin greeted her, returning from his interview with Teen People and wandering over to where she was hunched in a corner against the wall.

She barely managed to look up at him, and smiling was even harder.

“Why is it that you can’t get us off your mind?” he asked, pointing to the drawings of himself and JC that littered her page.

“Because I love you so much.”

It took him by surprise; she was rarely so blunt and concise so quickly on in the conversation. “I love you too, Grace. Nothing is gonna come between us, especially not distance.” He hugged her tightly and she succumbed to his embrace, clutching him as she bit back the tears that wanted desperately to fall.

“Please don’t forget me,” she murmured.

Justin held his best friend an arms length away from him. “You think I’m gonna forget you jus’ coz we’re in Europe? Uh-uh, not gonna happen. Don’t be so silly.” He continued to watch her as he thought for a moment. Reaching up to the nape of his neck, he unclipped his JRT necklace and fastened it around hers. “Okay, so it’s kinda bulky and I hardly expect you to wear it all the time, or even very often, but maybe it can remind you that I’m always thinking of you?”

“Justin, I can’t take it, it’s your favourite.”

“And you’re my favourite person, so don’t talk like you’re not significant enough. It’s a whole big lie,” he added in his best Memphis accent.

She laughed and kissed his cheek, unfastening her own silver chain and handing it to him. “Feminine, I know, but I can’t let you give me your JRT necklace and not give you a piece of me back.”

“Feminine could be the new me,” he commented, clasping it round his neck. “What d’ya think?” Justin pulled his best model poses for her, flaunting his neck.

“I think I’d have a inexperienced heart if it wasn’t for you.”

“You da best girl,” he teased in his comical accent.

* * *

“So this is it,” Grace said bravely, kissing her mom goodbye as they stood waiting to board their small aircraft that would fly them to London.

“This is the day we leave, Grace, nothing more. There will be a day when we return.” Meg hugged her daughter tightly. “Say hi to your grandparents for me.”

Oh yeah, Grace thought, summer vacation in Connecticut – oooh yey! “I will.”

JC stood quietly with his one piece of hand luggage, his personal CD player and collection of CD’s the most prized possessions in there. He could see their plane beyond the thick glass windows and it churned his stomach to think it would soon be jetting him far away from something that hadn’t even happened yet. Darling, so there you are, with that look on your face, as if you're never hurt, as if you're never down. JC wanted to hold her close and feel her heart beat, he wanted to be there to wipe away the tears that Oz caused her and he just wanted to be a part of her life.

Johnny reappeared from the plane and called them to board, thanking Grace for everything she’d done and telling her that he’d been sending her a preview of her inside life with *NSync and the photos in the Limited Edition magazine he intended to have created. He also reminded her that he’d be looking forward to her help with the five boys when they returned from Europe.

Joey and Chris enveloped her in strong hugs and kisses on cheeks, a small private joke from Joey and a kinky smile. Lance looked at her briefly before hugging her and telling her he wasn’t going to say goodbye, because they were merely taking an extended trip, that brought a small smile to her face.

“Feminine, remember, the new me,” Justin bubbled, grinning at her and holding up the silver chain from his neck.

She smiled and shook her head. “I’m going to miss you every second of every day until you walk back through those doors,” she murmured, looking at him with honest blue eyes. Eyes that suddenly burnt and welled with tears.

“Oh Grace,” Justin exclaimed, flinging his arms around her and rocking gently. Her body shuddered as she shook the tears from her eyes and onto his T-shirt. The sincerity in her voice and the way her eyes told him everything he needed to know jerked the tears from his own innocent eyes. Standing back he brushed them away with the back of his hand and sniffed. “I love you girl.” They kissed cheeks and he slowly turned to make his way towards the plane.

It was then that she saw JC standing quietly with his eyes on her. This is goodbye, she thought. Goodbye when things have come so far. She walked over to him and looked up at him timidly.

“I was thinking about memorizing something ahead of time to say to you, to describe who you make me, how your belief in me turns me into somebody, but I guess that didn’t work out as my head is too much of a jumble at the moment to remember a monologue. Flowers couldn’t say it right, chocolates said I was trying to get even for the weight you put on me with all the luxuries you gave us and serenading you in the middle of the airport is not only embarrassing for you, but I couldn’t think of a song to describe what I feel.”

Every word hung in her head, she took it all in and stored it, never wanting to forget it. Her brain was working like a tape recorder and she would remember the sound of his voice, so that he could comfort her whether he was in California or Hong Kong.

Tears began to stream down his cheeks but he didn’t raise a hand to wipe them away, it was like he wanted them to stain his skin so that he would never stop thinking about the way he felt that very moment. JC hung his head, he didn’t know what else to say.

A swell of adrenaline rushed into her muscles and she reached out a hand to his cheek, pulling herself up to his lips and closing her mouth around his. As she began to kiss him, JC was knocked off guard by her actions and it took him a couple of seconds to gather his own emotions. It was then that he pressed his lips back against hers, running his hands around her waist and pulling her closer.

Grace ran her fingers through his dark hair and she could taste a mixture of salty tears and pure JC. He knew that they were both crying and sensitivity ran deeply down their cheeks as they tried to push away the idea of JC leaving through the doors any moment.

“JC,” Johnny called. He didn’t want to pull the young guy away from the adoring embrace that they’d all been awaiting, but they had to board the plane. Justin had beckoned the other four guys back to see that JC and Grace had finally seen what they’d been looking for was right in front of them – seeing was believing in the case of those two. “JC, we really have to be going.” He pushed Justin and the other’s towards the door, now only JC stood alone in the airport still kissing with Grace.

JC heard the voice, Grace did too and they wanted to ignore it, to pretend that he could stay there with her, but that wasn’t going to happen. JC’s body heaved against hers as more tears fell, their kiss deepening in an attempt to cause such passion that the heartbreaking tears could be dried up with the fire they had together.

“Oh God JC, I love you so much,” she gasped, their kiss breaking as he held her face touching his.

“I love you too, Grace,” he cried. “I don’t want to leave you. Please say there’s some way around this…?”

“You have to JC,” Grace murmured.

This time he kissed her, and her fingers fumbled across his cheeks in an effort to smear his tears into a far away void, but more and more fell like heavy raindrops. “There won’t be one moment when I’m not thinking of you,” he mumbled.

“Please go, this is only getting worse.”

His long eye lashes were accentuated because of the tears that washed over his skin.

“JC,” Johnny called again. “I’m really sorry, but-”

“I’m coming,” JC cut in. He added slightly quieter, “I’m coming.” His voice held no hope of being magically taken away from the airport. Everything that was happening was tragically true.

“You’re the only one for me, JC,” she whispered, running a finger over his moist lips, reminding herself of what his lips felt like, what they tasted of.

JC was wearing the same jacket he had the few days back when they’d fell asleep in his car, and he slipped his arms free of it and handed it to her. “Keep it, I guess you could say it smells of me, whether that’s nice or not.”

She smiled and hugged it close to her chest. It was still warm from where it had been close to his body, and the same natural fragrance hung to it – pure JC. “Can you even realize how worn it’s going to be when you get back?”

JC laughed through his tears. “Good.” They kissed for the last time and she held his hand until his fingers slipped through hers, the tingle of his skin against hers lingering. When he reached Johnny at the corner he turned and looked back at her with his gentle blue eyes. They closed slowly and she saw two more silver tears slide down his cheeks, they tumbled down inside her body and as they hit the bottom they echoed lonely. His hand trembled as he waved goodbye, and she did too. Then he disappeared from sight.

Grace felt her knees turn to jelly and she dropped to a chair in the departures lounge. I have dreamed of this, your body next to mine, drowning in every kiss, how I’ve longed to find my one and only girl, and I found her in you, baby, all I ever wanted is everything that you are. It all came back to her, the way his voice had sung the words so honestly to her back at Christmas.

As the plane pulled away from the loading dock she felt a piece of her heart slip away with it, but the throbbing hole was bound up with a part of JC’s that he left with her.

Then it was gone from view and she was all-alone, a ladies voice crackling over the PA system. For a long time her eyes just watched the place where JC had last been, somehow expecting him to come walking through the doors to tell her he couldn’t leave. Part of her was relieved when he didn’t though – they hadn’t built up such a close relationship to have it end movie-style. No, this was real.

EPILOGUE COMING SOON!