Hello kiddies and chickadees alike, I'm back again! BRU_ce hasn't been the most swift at updating his site, so I thought I'd update it for his lazy ass by something that really hits home (roflmao lol kya, stupid, it's a pun); it's an article based on that loathsome family of mine. I will delve for the span of an [AwC] article into what family life is like for me, and why family life needs to buy a bus ticket to Wisconsin so that it may become a Green Bay fan with: a medium sized cow farm, a wife, a few kids, a dog, a Chevy Pick-up truck, and maybe a cat or three.

Let's start with good ol' me. This, is me after I exchanged a few words with Phil, the skeleton of my High School's Art Department. I called his mother a bony slut and he promptly slammed a bucket on my head…I still don't see how he moves and talks, but somehow he manages to kick my ass almost every day; and get more women than I could ever dream of. Thus, I'm saying that I'm a complete loser, a recluse, un-popular, caustic, and have a serious problem with a low self-esteem. Think the quiet smart type who talks to his friends, but only pokes sarcastic comments at everyone else. I have friends who can vouch for this…or

So, you ask yourself, "How does he fit in this whole scheme of the American Family?" Damnit, stop being stupid, of course I fit…I have people to vouch for that too. The black sheep of a family that consists of a little kid, a jock, and two parents; normal basically. Let's move on to the family section, to introduce to you the other characters in this melodrama I call "family life." -note: I call it family life because in another year I'll be in college life. Life is sectioned into four parts: Birth, Family Life, College Life, and the rest of it, whatever it may be.

This is my eldest brother; still younger than me, but older than the other. He is in the ninth or tenth grade of high school, I don't really keep track of anything but one main point. For that point just read the picture…oh yeah, he's a jock too, which means if it is female and looks somewhat good, he starts talking sports with it and acting pretty shallow. But it's good, in the end, the female is pretty empty too, so it's equilibrium, or some shit. Actually…I think he might "sway that way", not exactly the "straight" path, took a "left turn", and things of that nature.

Next comes winner number two in the Zillah giveaway of free kicks to the mouth:

This is the youngest brother of the two, he is somewhere between 5 and 10, or maybe he's really older than me and just considerably shorter; I can't tell. The picture describes him pretty damn well: Short, thin, bony, not too smart, and likes to climb on things with branches. Dumbass, the camera is this way…

Now I know you are asking, "But Almighty Zillah, where are you parents? What of them oh, great teller of truths and bringer of knowledge to us simpletons?" Here they are you harpies; here are the banes of all society.

I know what you are all saying…you're saying, "that isn't a picture of your damn parents!" Well, my rebuttal to that is "YES IT IS DAMNIT, AND I'D SAY IT'S A DAMN GOOD LIKENESS TO THEM BOTH!" I just can't tell which is which… it's the angle.

Now ask yourself, "Where the fuck is this going?" Now try to answer it, because I don't really know either. That is one of the special things about a family: you never know what the hell is going on. Suddenly, at the worst time possible, your parents or siblings have to go somewhere and you are stuck in a location for a few more hours on account of you are underage for driving in Italy. When your parents finally arrive with one of two family cars, they chew your ass out for not waiting on them, ON THEM! The nerve, the audacity, to make me wait two hours and then chew me out for not being at the specified locale. But this is only one of many scenarios played out each and every few days in the Life and Times of the American Family… here are a few more:

Toilet room cleanliness - Goddamnit, this is where I get really angry. The nerve of siblings who have no aim whatsoever, and don't even take the goddamn time to clean up. I hate this with a certain ecstasy that is only shared by me, and certain belly dancers in Tibet. Or, OR, they "forget" to flush…hah, yeah, and I FORGOT where Jimmy Hoffa was.

Eating leftovers habits - Leftovers are a staple diet in most cases. Get home from school, look in the fridge, and grab the two-day-old vegetarian lasagna that tastes horrible, but is the only thing in the refridgerator safe for eating. Anything that was actually good for dinner, the rest of this "family" thing finished off that night, leaving nothing but the greasy remains behind. Let's not forget the deli-meats left in the Tupperware box for over a month and go bad, but, "hey! Let's not tell anyone how old it is and make someone get food poisoning! Yeah, that'll be a riot."

Television - Let's get one thing straight. As the oldest child of the family, and as the tallest in the house, what I say around my things/the television goes, or someone gets hurt. The oldest son of the family always has to protect his rights of "top dog," "king of the hil,l" "big kahuna," "pimp daddy Payne," things like that. If anyone steps in my way (besides my parents, because hitting them is illegal, [ed - no it's not!] and I'd be doing time in an Iowa prison or something) I properly remove them by use of potentially violent force; which means that if used and harnessed correctly, I could kill a marine with my BARE HANDS (*cough*and a gun*cough*)

Screw this list thing, it's getting to be a pain in the ass, just like my family. In one year I hit college, and that means no family….who knew heaven was that close?
These rumors and blasphemies my parents speak of, "when you're older, you'll miss your family and your brothers," have to be lies. After 17-10 years of hate, I don't think getting out of the house just fixes everything (minus ten years because before the age of ten you don't really know what or who you hate, besides broccoli or getting kicked in the genitalia, I think everyone learns the latter is bad the first time they see someone get it done to them and their face light aflame with agony) I'm getting the hell out of here before the Nazis come after me with their Stens and Soldats. Hopefully next update I'll work a bit longer and not let the laziness kick in. Maybe one day, after updates and when I finally reach level 100 of internet posting power, gaining the ability of "update," I can post something half as long as other such sites with similar such articles, hint hint…|_ 4 T 3 R M4| d4M|35….stupid l33t speech, I can't believe I actually suck at something so idiotic.

-Zillah, "WANTS HIS PHOTOSHOP PIC TO WIN"

 

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