{FADE IN}
[The scene cuts away from commercial and right to IWF Breakdown. Pyrotechnics are blasting, music is playing, and the crowd is exploding with cheers. The camera scans back and forth over the crowd, looking for good signs to show. “Detroit Redwings fear Baron Red Wings!”, “I’m not wearing any pants”, and “TDM: The Dick Massager” are among the signs that make it on camera. After a final show of blasting fireworks, the scene cuts down to the IWF announcers, Dick Mathews and Ed McPherson.]
Ed: “Welcome to Breakdown, everyone! Have we got a show for you tonight!”
Dick: “Hey, any time I get to see Genocide or Apocalypse, never mind both of them, it’s a great night.”
Ed: “I’m not sure many people share your opinion on that one.”
Dick: “Sure they do! Have you seen the thing they do on top of buildings? You know, the game where they hit people with things?”
Ed: “Yes Dick, I did. It’s truly a game of athletic ability, skill, wit, and sportsmanship. I’m sure it will be in the next Summer Olympics. It’s amazing I’m not a big fan too, isn’t it?”
Dick: “Hey, you’re a little slow, we can’t blame you. But I wouldn’t be surprised to see it in the Winter Games as well. Just think of the damage they could do with icicles.”
Ed: “Yes, it’s certainly something to look forward to. Until then, we’ve got the most exciting card yet here in the IWF! We’ve got the first ever title match for the IWF tonight, when the Canadian title goes on the line. We’ll also have a cage match between Genocide and Tim Harris, as well as a street fight for the main event. That will feature Apocalypse and Payne. What more could you ask for?”
Dick: “How about a cold beer, a fat joint, a some cheap hookers?”
Ed: “I’m disappointed in you, Dick.”
Dick: “You’re right. Make that a twelve back of beer, two fat joints, and some high class whores.”
Ed: “You never cease to amaze me.”
Dick: “What can I say, I’ve got that Dick Mathews charm.”
Ed: “Meaning none?”
Dick: “No, meaning-“
[Dick is interrupted by action coming from the back, being seen on the Jumbotron. Static is standing in back with a reporter by his side.]
Ed: “Now what does he want? Since when did the IWF start hiring people that don’t have a real college education?”
Dick: “Hey, you’re here, aren’t you? And I’ll have you know, Static graduated from Barkland University. I’m gonna have that guy get me a free Barkland sweatshirt, they must give superstars like him free crap all the time.”
[Back on the Jumbotron…]
Hello IWF fans out there. My name is Bobby Cory. And the man standing next to me
needs no introduction. Yes IWF fans its the one, the only, Static. Tonight
I’m going to ask him a few questions. Maybe we can get some good answers.
First off Static, you recently had a little incident in a grocery store, what
the hell happened?
Static: Well you see, that old man was gunna take my car, and I wasn’t
gunna let my babe magnet go. But now there is that whole restraining order and
all. And I can only leave my house to come to wrestle. I can’t even walk
down the road. I have a mental condition so they can’t put me in jail. So
the make me stay home. But they got me some new ps2 games so I’m happy.
Bobby: Well what about the Santa thing?
Static: Hey, I was seven and all I wanted was a fire truck. And he didn’t
get me one. I saw my dad put one under the tree, but its not that same if its
not from Santa.
Bobby: Okay, well in just a few minutes your going to get your first taste of
IWF action. You have a match against Amy, she is in a tie for 8th in the
rankings. Do you think you can win?
Static: Oh sure. I mean what the hell is she doing in a wrestling ring, she
should be in back cooking for the fighters. That is Where she belongs, in a
kitchen. Stupid bitch.
Bobby: Well now for the big question. Why are you making up Barkland U?
Static: What, *bleep* you Bobby boy.
Static grabs bobby and tosses him a few feet away. He picks up the mic and continues on as if nothing had just happened.
Static: Barkland U forever, WOOF WOOF, go Dogs.
[Fade out, and scene cuts back to Ed and Dick.]
Dick: “Yeah, I’ve definitely got to get a Barkland U sweatshirt.”
Ed: “Good luck with that.”
Dick: “Thank you, Ed. But now it’s almost time for our first match of the night.”
McPherson: What’s your rush? Don’t you want to hear about the great line up we have schedualed for tonight?
Matthews: Hell no! I’ve got to words for you Ed….Amy!
McPherson: Umm…ok…what’s the other word?
Matthews: Nice…Firm…Breasts…
McPherson: ok…that’s three words…but I get your point.
Matthews: Your mom sure did last night…but now lets get on with the show!!
*Overhead on the Vid screen a locker room door can be seen…as the Camera zooms in we see it’s Amy’s locker room.*
Matthews: Yeah! Yeah! Get that camera in there…maybe she’s in the shower!
McPherson: Your Libido knows no boundries does it?
*Suddenly the door opens and Amy steps out…a faint look of pain shimmers in her eyes but anger and annoyance push it back…she looks into the camera and sneers.*
Amy: Static I don’t know where you are but if you’re listening I’m so gonna kick yer mother fu…
*She’s cut off as an ear piercing scream can be heard coming down the hallway…Amy whirls around and screams raising her hands over her head as Static comes
blowing down the hallway something raised over his head.*
McPherson: Oh my god he’s got a Trophy!!
*The crowd gasps as Static brings the trophy down over Amy’s head…but instead of the sickening crack the crowd had been expecting there’s a sound of crumpling cardboard…Amy drops to the ground with a groan of pain…the face of Static stares into the camera with a look that says all the lights aren’t on and barks at the camera.*
Static: BARKLAND U BIZNATCH!!!!
*Having bellowed that he tears of down the hallway.*
Matthews: What the hell? Did he just hit her with a cardboard trophy?
McPherson: I think he did….
Matthews: I guess this is what we can expect from a man who beat the shit out of a mall Santa for not giving him a fire truck for Christmas…
*Amy gets to her feet slowly favoring her ribs…she looks at the remains of the crumpled cardboard trophy and swears…picking up a bag at her side she gets up and storms off down the hallway…but as she rounds another corner Static jumps out and brings another
trophy down over her head…the sound of cardboard crumpling is heard again and Amy staggers back against a wall grunting as her ribs hit the wall…Static howls with laughter and runs down the hallway and through the curtain to the stage.*
McPherson: Static thinks this is all a game…
Matthews: He’d better not damage the merchendise…that’s all I got to say.
McPherson: At least until another woman walks by right?
Matthews: Right…NO! Wait!
Amy gets to her feet and takes a deep breath.
Amy: Mother fu[bleep]er! I’m gonna kick yer fu[bleep]en ass all over the fu[bleeeep]en ring!
Matthews: Quite the lil spitfire aint she?
McPherson: Thank god this show is censored for those fans who have children viewers…
*Amy gets up swinging the bag behind her and marches down the hallway…pushing the curtains aside she’s met by the roar of the crowd…”Brackish” by Kitty begins to
play…but to her surprise Static comes rushing at her with yet another Cardboard trophy raised over his head.*
*Amy smiles seemingly prepaired…as Static brings the trophy down she brings her foot up…into his groin.*
*With a yelp that sounds like that of a dog Static drops the trophy and falls to his knee’s.*
Matthews: heh heh I bet he learned THAT one a Barkland U HA!
*Amy raises her hands to the crowd and head bangs in time to the beat, the crowd goes nuts…looking down at her…fallen opponent she begins to deliver swift kicks
to the ribs…Static rolls down the ramp Amy following him all the way delivering kick after kick to his ribs.*
McPherson: Looks like Amy is making good on her promise of kicking Static’s ass all over the place.
*Tossing her bag to the side Amy jumps into the ring and motions Static to do the same by flipping him the bird…Static gets to his feet and shakes his head, turning and spitting he climbs into the ring only to be met by Amy who grabs him by the hair and yanks him
into the ring.*
McPherson: With Amy’s injuries I think we’re going to be seeing a much more restrained style from her tonight…no high flying moves for her unless she wants to further injure herself and possibly end her career.
Static sits up rubbing his head and jumps to his feet…sending out a punch he goes straight for Amy’s ribs.
Matthews: HEY! Don’t damage the goods man!!
*Running towards the ropes Static comes flying back catching Amy with a vicious dropkick that sends her sprawling to the mat he quickly goes for the cover.*
McPherson: Oh no! with her injuries that could spell the end for Amy!
[One…two…]
*Amy kicks out and points to the stage…the ref looks up suspecting interfearence…as he’s distracted Amy delivers a vicious low blow again to Static who drops to the mat….the ref turns around in time to see Amy climbing to the top turnbuckle.*
McPherson: Oh my god!! She’s not going to….
Matthews: Oh hell yeah! Amy is gonna fly!
*The crowd roars as Amy pulls of a moonsault landing squarely on her opponent covering him, she cries out in pain on impact but covers him nonetheless.*
[One…Two…Three]
McPherson: She did it! But at what cost to her body?
*Amy gets up and rolls out of the ring, picking up her bag and reaching inside of it…removing a small red object she rolls back into the ring as Static gets
dizzily to his feet.*
Matthews: What the hell does she have there?
McPherson: I think it’s…it’s…A FIRE TRUCK!! She’s got a toy fire truck!!!
*His back turned Static staggers forward a few steps…the crowd roars…he thinks it’s for him so he raises his hands in the air…but as he turns around he see’s Amy.*
*Amy brings the toy fire truck down on Statics head…there’s a loud CRACK as the toy shatters into pieces and scatters throughout the ring…Static goes down hard and doesn’t move.*
*The crowd chants “Holy shit!” as Amy grins and raises her hands in the air slowly…feeling the effects of the moonsault, the ref raises her hand in victory.*
*Sliding gingerly out of the ring Amy walks up the ramp, she raises her hands again before stepping behind the curtain…the scene goes back to Static like prone in the ring and then to the announcer table.*
Matthews: We’ll be right back folks…after we get this mess cleaned up and roll Static out of there….god what a mess.
[Cut to commercial. A few minutes later, Breakdown returns.]
Ed: “What a start to this card. Amy and Static should both be alright, even after that match. In a few minutes, we’re going to see Josh Nelson face off against TDM, “The Dark Messiah,” Jason O’Neil.”
Dick: “That man has too many names.”
Ed: “You’re so insightful, Dick.”
Dick: “But, before the match, we’re going to get to hear from Jim Sanders. I feel so lucky.”
Ed: “Is there some reason you always think he can hear you out here?”
Dick: “He could be listening. Then again, you’re here, so he’s probably not.”
Ed: “You realize you just proved yourself to be an idiot. If he’s not listening, even if it’s because of me, why would you be so blatantly kissing his ass?”
Dick: “Shut up. That’s why.”
[Dick and Ed are interrupted by Linkin Park’s “In the End” blasting over the PA system. As soon as the lyrics start with “It starts with one thing…”, Jim Sanders steps out from behind the curtain and stands atop the ramp. The crowd responds with huge cheers.]
Dick: “Here he comes!”
[Sanders, the owner of the IWF walks down the ramp, waves to the fans, and shakes a few hands.]
Dick: “Don’t touch their hands, Mr. Sanders! They’re all filthy people!”
Ed: “Oh please.”
[Sanders walks down to the corner of the ring and steps up the steel stairs. He ducks into the ring and calls for a mic, which is tossed in to him.]
Sanders: “Welcome to Breakdown, everyone!”
[The crowd erupts with cheers again.]
Sanders: “Now I know you’re all excited about the IWF’s first ever title match, for the Canadian Title. And now, I think it’s time to introduce the participants of the match. The first wrestler in the match is someone who doesn’t have a match tonight. He hasn’t been wrestling main events, or even the middle of the card just yet. This may come as a surprise to some people, but we’ve seen hard work and dedication from this man, and he’s being rewarded for it. From behind the scenes work to regular training, he’s shown he may not be a superstar yet, but he’s working hard to become one. The first competitor is…Jeff-Hulk-Hemp!”
[The crowd doesn’t really know what to think. They give some mild cheers, but nothing more. The focus goes back to Mr. Sanders.]
“The second competitor has also shown dedication, but not quite in the same way. Although they haven’t been present in main event type of matches just yet, President Stevens and I wouldn’t be surprised if that changed pretty soon. The next man in the Canadian title match…isn’t even a man. The second competitor in the Canadian title match is Amy!”
[This time the crowd gives a normal applause, especially the high school guys. They’ll get to see her a second time tonight. Suddenly those tickets seem well worth the fifty bucks or so.]
Dick: “Again! Alright!”
[Back in the ring.]
“And our third competitor comes from the next match you’ll see tonight. He’s been working hard to prepare himself for the Canadian title match. He’s made it clear he wants to compete for the Canadian title, and we feel he could be a solid Canadian champion for a long time to come, until he decides it’s time to go for some more gold. Ladies and gentlemen, your third and final competitor for the Canadian title is…Josh Nelson!”
[The crowd cheers again, there doesn’t seem to be a heel in the match. There’s no clear cut favorite, except with men looking to see some skin from Amy.]
“I hope you enjoy the match everyone. Now I’ve got some business to attend to, but enjoy the next match.”
[“In the End” plays again, this time starting where the lyrics do (“It starts with one thing…”). Sanders walks up the ramp, again with the crowd cheering. This time he doesn’t stop to shake hands, he just exits through the top.]
Ed: “Well that should be a great match up. We’ll have that for you in a few minutes, folks, but first it’s time for Josh Nelson to take on “The Dark Messiah,” Jason O’Neil.”
[Josh Nelson’s music hits and he comes out from the back, now getting more cheers than usual since he’s become a possible champion. People are already jumping on the bandwagon, it seems. He walks down the ramp, steps in, and awaits “TDM.”]
[“TDM’s” music plays, and he walks out from the back. The crowd doesn’t react much to him, giving him a few boos since he’s facing Nelson. TDM ignores them and slides under the bottom rope, only to take a few stomps from Nelson. The ref breaks them up and the bell rings. The match is underway. TDM gets up and initiates a tieup, but Nelson takes advantage, throwing a headlock on. He’s able to hold it for a few seconds before TDM pushes Nelson in the back, throwing him into the ropes. As Nelson runs back, TDM clotheslines him, knocking Nelson to the ground. Nelson rolls to the side and gets up quickly, throwing a few punches into TDM’s gut. TDM hunches over, and Nelson takes a step back. He kicks TDM square in the face, knocking TDM backwards and down to the mat. Nelson walks over and stomps TDM again, and after a few seconds the ref breaks it up. He pushes Nelson back, but Nelson steps around the ref and gets back to work. He picks TDM up by the hair, stands him up straight, and executes the oldest move in the book: a bodyslam. TDM is down, and looks to be hurting. Nelson takes advantage and heads up to the top ropes. After balancing himself, he takes off and drops a big elbow onto TDM’s chest, just missing his throat. Nelson goes for the cover.]
{One…..Two…..}
[TDM kicks out, barely. Nelson glares at the ref, obviously pissed with what he thought was a slow count. Nelson starts arguing, and TDM takes advantage. Nelson is on his knees hear TDM’s head with his back facing him. TDM is still down, but has enough energy to deliver a weak low blow to Nelson. The ref just saw Nelson buckle over in pain, and knew what TDM had just done, but hadn’t actually seen it, therefore he can’t disqualify him. The ref just walks over to TDM and starts yelling at him, throwing his arms around like an idiot, as all refs do. TDM is now just being able to stand up, and Nelson is recovering from the shot he took from the family jewels. TDM runs at Nelson, but Nelson drops to the mat at the last second. TDM runs straight over him and slams into the corner. He bounces a couple steps back and turns around groggily, only to catch a spear from Nelson. TDM goes down hard, and Nelson covers.]
{One…..Two…}
[Nelson is angry with the ref again, but doesn’t make the same mistake twice. This time he picks TDM up quickly and gives him a vertical suplex. TDM lands in the center of the ring, but not for long. Nelson isn’t letting him rest, and this time puts on a leg lock, bending TDM’s right leg hard to the side. TDM squirms in pain, even screaming out for a second, but manages to maneuver to the side and grab a rope. Nelson gets him up and starts throwing punches to TDM’s gut, over and over. After about ten, TDM can hardly stand, and is completely doubled over. Nelson DDTs him, putting TDM down again.]
Ed: “Looks like that’s gonna do it.”
[Nelson goes for the cover.]
{One…..Two…..}
Ed: “He barely kicked out. I can’t believe he’s alive after this punishment.”
Dick: “Nelson doesn’t know how to deliver a decent move, that’s the problem. What a loser.”
[Nelson stands up and stomps TDM until the ref breaks it up. Nelson takes a few steps back and waits for TDM to stand up. A minute later, when he finally does, Nelson catches him with his finisher, ‘The Slash,’ completely by surprise. TDM hits the mat hard, and Nelson covers him again.]
{One…..Two…..Three}
Ed: “And that’ll do it. Good showing by Nelson, and he doesn’t look to bad for the Canadian title match. He’ll have a little while to recover for it, since Medea will face off against Cain in a few minutes.”
Dick: “But first, we’re going to take a quick commercial break, and I’m gonna go wait in the lines at the can. We’ll be back in a minute everyone, don’t go anywhere.”
[The scene cuts to commercial. A couple minutes later, Breakdown returns, and Dick seems much more relieved.]
Ed: “We’re back everyone, and so is Dick.”
Dick: “That bathroom is just plain nasty.”
Ed: “Why didn’t you use the employee bathroom?”
Dick: “Employee bathroom?”
Ed: “Never mind.”
Dick: “Hey, you mean there’s a-“
Ed: “No, there’s not. Forget about it. Let’s get to the next match.”
[Medea’s music hits and she comes out from the back, the crowd cheering wildly. She walks down to the ring with a kendo stick which she leaves on the outside. The camera zooms in close and reveals her name branded into it. The slides into the ring and awaits. Cain.]
Dick: “I’ve heard she’s going to be placed in the hardcore title match, that could have something to do with it.”
Ed: “Whoa, Dick dispensing useful information. I never thought I’d see the day.”
[Cain’s music plays and he walks down to the ring, ignoring all the fans. In return, they give him plenty of boos. He steps into the ring, the booing continuing, and the bell rings.]
Ed: “Here we go.”
[The two competitors square off in the ring, circling slowly. Behind them,
the crowd roars in anticipation. After a few more seconds, Medea
starts things off with a hard kick to the gut of Cain. Cain doubles over,
and Medea takes advantage. She gets him in front facelock position and lifts
up stiffly, driving her forearm into his throat. Cain coughs, and struggles
free. He swings with a hard right hand, but just misses. Medea hurls
another boot into his stomach, then connects with a hard right to his jaw.
Cain stumbles back, dazed for a moment, but quickly regains his composure.
Then, he goes on the offensive. He grabs Medea’s left arm, and launches her
towards the ropes. Off the rebound, she ducks a clothesline. Now gaining a
bit more speed, she rebounds off the other side and leaps into the air,
going for a cross body block. Cain sees it coming, however, and catches
her. After looking into the crowd for a moment, he falls backwards,
throwing Medea over his head.]
Ed: Nice fallaway slam by Cain. That should give him the advantage if he
can be the first to his feet.
Dick: Yeah, finally. There’s no way he’s gonna lose to this bitch.
Ed: I guess we’ll find out.
Dick: She belongs in the kitchen, Ed. Admit it.
Ed: You’re unbelievable!
Dick: Thanks.
[Cain is up to his feet slightly before Medea. He looks down at his fallen
foe with a wide smile on his face. Bending over, he grabs a handful of
hair, and pulls Medea up. Bracing the back of her head with both hands, he
drives his right knee hard into the bridge of her nose, sending a startling crack echoing throughout the arena. Front row fans look away as Medea
drops to the mat, unmoving. Cain looks down at her, noticing the blood
funneling out of her nose. He decides to cover.]
{One…..Two…..}
Ed: Kickout by Medea! My god, that was incredible!
Dick: Not as incredible as that knee. That was hilarious! I think her
nose is broken!
[Ed looks at Dick with a disgusted look on his face, and shakes his head.]
[Meanwhile in the ring, Cain now has Medea back to her feet. The blood
is still streaming from her nose and dripping onto the mat. And from the
look on Cain’s face, he’s enjoying ever drop of it. He delivers punch after
punch after punch to the now broken nose of Medea, each crack sounding sicker
than the last. Finally he lets her limp, bloodied body fall to the mat.
Once again, he goes for the cover.]
{One…..Two…..}
Ed: Kickout! She did it again! This is amazing!
Dick: C’mon Cain, take her out! She’ a woman, she’s inferior!
[Cain stands up again, looking a bit frustrated. He complains to the ref
about a slow count, but the ref brushes him off. Looking back down to Medea,
he picks her up again. He looks her up, and raises her high into the air
with suplex. Medea goes crashing to the mat, as Cain quickly pops up. Once
again, he raises her up off of the ground, but she connects with a forearm to
the stomach. Hunching over, Cain lets out a moan of pain. Capitilizing,
Medea whips Cain into the ropes and drills him with a clothesline. She begins
laying into him with the boots, as Cain struggles to his feet.]
Dick: Let's go Cain, she can't handle you.
[In the ring, Medea spins Cain around and lights him up with a reverse DDT...]
Ed: Actually, it looks like she's handling him pretty well to me...
Dick: Bite me, Ed...
[Medea slowly picks up Cain, sets him up, and nails him with ‘Blind Faith,’ her finisher. She goes the cover...]
{One…..Two…..Three}
Ed: Yes!! It's over, and Medea has won it!
Dick: I'm disappointed in you Cain...
Ed: We'll be back after this...
[Scene cuts to commercial.]
[Back from commercial.]
Ed: “Alright folks, we’re just about to start our next match between Amy, Josh Nelson, and Jeff-Hulk-Hemp for the Canadian title.”
Dick: “And here comes…AMY! Alright!”
[Amy comes out from the back to Kitty, “Brackish”, and stands at the top of the ramp for a minute. She starts thrashing her head with the music and gets the crowd going. A lot of the men who are here without their girlfriends or wives start cheering and whistling louder than anyone else. Amy stops and pauses for a second, then runs down the ramps and slides into the ring on her stomach, awaiting her opponents.]
Ed: “Looks like she’s recovered pretty well from that nasty spill she had in gym class last week.”
Dick: “Yeah, she looks pretty good for someone who just fell twenty five or thirty feet and could have died. Hell, she looks pretty good for anyone.”
[Josh Nelson’s music hits again, and he walks out to the top of the ramp and walks down to the ring. He gets about the same cheers as Amy, but no whistles. He walks up the stairs and steps in. Amy and Nelson stare each other down as they wait for Jeff-Hulk-Hemp. Jeff’s music hits and he comes out to little reaction from the fans. He walks confidently down to the ring and steps in. The bell rings, and the match begins.]
[Amy starts it off by tying up with Jeff-Hulk-Hemp. Hemp tries to overpower her, but Amy is too quick. She pushes Hemp back, kicks him in the gut, and hits him with a hurricanrana. Nelson has decides to lean back and take in the action in a corner. With Hemp down, Amy starts stomping away on him. The ref breaks it up, and Nelson decides to step in. Amy has her back to him, and he comes running at her and dropkicks her in the back. Amy goes down hard just as Hemp is getting up. Hemp goes running at Nelson, but Nelson ducks and delivers a back body drop. He picks Hemp up by the hair and delivers a vertical suplex, slamming Hemp down hard. Amy is back up however, and returns the favor to Nelson. With his back turned, she delivers a missile dropkick, taking Nelson down and drawing a big cheer from the crowd.]
Ed: “Looks like Amy’s taken the advantage, although that was a great vertical suplex by Nelson.”
Dick: “Man she looks good.”
Ed: “Good to see you’re focused on the match, Dick.”
Dick: “…yes…yes of course…”
[Back in the ring, Hemp is back to his feet, and ties up with Amy again. This time Hemp’s size advantage helps him out, and he whips Amy off the ropes. Amy comes running back, and attempts another hurricanrana. This time Hemp sees it coming and counters it, landing a powerbomb in the center of the ring with a thundering boom.]
Ed: “What a counter!”
Dick: “What a rack.”
[Hemp walks over to Nelson, but Nelson is ready for him. Nelson punches Hemp in the head, but Hemp returns it. The two start trading punches, but Nelson takes the advantage. He blocks one of Hemp’s punches, and returns another, his second in a row. Hemp is knocked backwards and stunned. Nelson kicks him in the gut, steps forward and delivers a DDT, putting Hemp to the mat. Nelson lays the boots to him and heads for the ropes. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and takes aim at Hemp, looking to put an early end to the match. Before he can jump off, Amy goes flying into the ropes after recovering from the earlier powerbomb. This knocks Nelson down, his crotch landing on the top turnbuckle. He looks like he’ll be down for a few minutes.]
Ed: “And that’s GOTTA hurt.”
Dick: “Gee, you think?”
Ed: “Both Hemp and Nelson are down, Amy could win it here.”
[With Nelson attending to his junk, Amy heads for Hemp. He’s just getting up from the DDT, but she knocks him back down with a spinning heel kick. Amy runs to the ropes, but doesn’t turn around to bounce off her back. Instead, she jumps on to the bottom rope and catapults herself backwards, hitting Hemp with a moonsault and going for the pin.]
{One…..Two…..}
[Hemp kicks out, but Amy gets him back up quickly. She kicks Hemp in the gut, bending him over, then runs off the ropes. As she runs back at him, she puts her hands to the ground and flips around, kicking Hemp in the back of the head, and knocking him down again. She covers again.]
{One…..Two…..Three}
Ed: “And Jeff-Hulk-Hemp has been eliminated!”
Dick: “But that wasn’t a victory. Being pinned eliminates you, but pinning someone doesn’t give you the win. You have to eliminate both wrestlers.”
[The ref gets Hemp out of the ring while Amy and Nelson go after each other. Nelson throws a wild punch at Amy, which she ducks. While Nelson is off balance, Amy delivers a leg sweep, knocking Nelson to the ground. Amy drops a leg over Nelson’s face…]
Dick: “Lucky bastard.”
[…and follows it up with an arm bar. They’re too close to the ropes though, and Nelson grabs the bottom one. Amy stands up and pulls Nelson up behind her. Before Amy can attempt a move, Nelson throws a punch into her face, knocking her a couple steps back. Nelson follows it up quickly by attemping another vertical suplex. He tries to lift her up, be she locks her right leg around his left. She then lifts him up, but drops him straight down with his shoulder landing on her knee.]
Dick: “Spineshank! It’s gotta be over now.”
Ed: “Hell of a move.”
[Amy goes for the cover…]
{One…..Two…..Three}
Ed: “And there you have it, folks. Amy is your first Canadian champion!”
Dick: “And she’s gonna look pretty good in that belt, too.”
Ed: “It’s time for us to take a quick break folks. We’ll be right back.”
[The scene cuts to commercial as the ref hands Amy the Canadian Championship belt.]
[Back from commercial.]
Ed: “We’re getting something from backstage, let’s take a look.”
[The scene cuts up to the Jumbotron.]
[The cameras head backstage and we see Da MAB pounding away at a pounding bags that are setup to represent a human. But he isn't using his fists or feet, instead he is using a barbed-wire baseball bat! Steve Larson enters the locker room and is telling Tim Reynolds, the cameraman, to follow him.]
Steve Larson - Excuse me, MAB.
[Da MAB drops the bat and turns around. His shades are covering his eyes, but you can tell he is in a foul mood.]
Steve Larson - You requested some interview time.
MAB - Yes, I did. But I don't have alot of time to waste. So just hold that microphone up and keep your mouth shut.
[Steve Larson does as he says.]
MAB - Now, although I have been saying it, I will say it again. The Hardccore
Title is my main goal here in the IWF. I, Da MAB, Disciple of Hades and the Underworld, have spent the past five days training to become even more Hardcore
than before. And I, Da MAB, Master of Evil and Darkness, will keep training for
it, until my shot comes, and even after my shot arrives. So whoever I step into the ring with at any time better have their eyes open and better be prepared. Cause I am not a joke, oh no, I am your worst NIGHTMARE!!!!
[Da MAB turns around and picks up the Barbed Wire Baseball Bat.]
Da MAB - That was your cue to leave.
[With that Steve and Tim rush out of Da MAB's locker room.]
Ed: “Looks like Da MAB is ready for ‘Holiday Havoc.’ That should be a great match, he’ll be competing against Static, and possibly others yet to be named.”
Dick: “Yep, hardcore matches are great. But our next match is just as good, for two reasons. One, it’s a cage match. Cage matches kick ass. Two, Genocide is in it. Genocide kicks ass.”
Ed: “Yes, we know you like Genocide, Dick. It’s ironic how fitting your name is sometimes.”
[The lights in the arena all cut out, leaving everything in pitch black. A few seconds of silence pass, and then a huge explosion comes at the top of the ramp, along with Tim Harris’s music. Flashing lights are coming on now as he walks down to the ring. He’s wearing a Nomar Garciaparra jersey and a Boston Red Sox hat for some reason. The crowd is cheering for him extremely loud, either because they like him, they’re Red Sox fans, or they just hate Genocide. Harris gets into the ring through the cage door and waits for Genocide.]
Ed: “He’s got a Nomaaaah jersey on. Alright!”
Dick: “What are you talking about? Yankees rule, Ed. So does Jeter.”
Ed: “You know what Dick? I’ve got two words for you?”
Dick: “Oh yeah?”
Ed: “Word one: Yankees.”
Dick: “…”
Ed: “Word two: Suck.”
Dick: *bleep* “…you.”
[The scene cuts up to the Jumbotron. Nefarious and domineering, Genocide's mug appears. Trickles of laughter ripple throughout the crowd, as he smiles revealing a gold tooth. The camera Zooms out, revealing Genocide's full image. The trickles of laughter explode into a tsunami, upon their seeing Genocide wearing a black bandana tied around his head, tattoos covering his body, and pants hanging down past his knees.]
"What's up my niggas," Genocide asks to a full-blown mixture of laughter and cheering. "Tonight I have decided to become what all of you seem to adore, a full blown rhyming piece of trash."
[The laughter fades into jeering.]
"Police officers are paid squat. Firemen lose their lives for nothing. Yet, actors and rappers find themselves wiping their asses with an endless supply of money. Anyone can be a rapper, and I'm the proof. Hit my music."
[A slow beat begins wih heavy bass and Genocide jumps on top of a pink hoopty and begins waving his arms around wildly, admist a circle of bitches.]
Yes, this is another rap song not just another rhyme
There's certain rules that I must follow, a critical guideline
You see, every rap song talks about a crime
First rule, say nigga, and do it a hundred and twenty seven times
Nigga nigga nigga, in every line fuckin' line.
Next rule swear, fuck, shit, dick, say it all the time
Just in case you didn't fuckin' know, Bitches are the bare essentials
Smokin' Weed, drinking alcohol and capping people be my credentials
Bitches in the office, broads teaching class
Since when did women earn the right to sass?
Unless you're a man, you're just another peice of ass!
[Apocalypse appears on screen to a huge reaction dressed in a tight pink tube top, red wig, and leather hip huggers and asks:] "Who you be talking to?!"
[Genocide jumps down off the car and stares into Apocalypse's eyes retorting…]
Nigga, nigga, nigga, what you be doin? This my rap song
Nigga, I''m the one pimpin' ho's and fuckin' the bitches
Who you be talking to ? You ain't even wearing britches!
Now get in the kitchen and cook my suppa
I want fuckin red meat and don't forget the bread and butta
[The crowd claps along as Apocalypse, undaunted returns:]
"Motha fuckin nigga, I'm the hardcore gangsta 'round here
Sharper than Hugh Jackmen, faster than a Chinaman
Don't look far, you see this mothafuckin' scar?
I'm the scarier than any motha fucka in GWAR"
[Both men move in rhythem with the beats before Genocide continues…]
Listen Bitch this is a fucked up rhyme, if I say fuck again
it'll be the tenth fucking time! Rollin' with my homies, smokin some grass
It's obvious that you've got sugar in your tank and more sweet than low
Nigga if you don't get the steppin' I'll kick your fruity ass
Now, now, you be my nig, tonight we have a greater focus
[Apocalypse dicards his wig, throws it to the floor, and both men continue the rhyme in unison.]
We'll make those bitch ass niggas Payne and Harris disappear! Hocus Pocus!
What the shizel my nizel, now I see what's goin' down in the hood
Payne and Harris are puppets, chillen like Pinnochio, nothin but wood
The white upper-class sentaor is awefully angry
"Excuse me sir, that white man just said nigga!"
[An old man's voice fills the arena to further laughter:]
Oh no that nigga didn't!
Badder than three week old chicken,
Layin down a licken
Genocide and Apocalypse have left you awe stricken.
[The music stops, and Genocide burns a hole in the camera with an fiery glare before simply saying:] "Peace out homies."
[The scene cuts back to Dick and Ed.]
Ed: “Whoa…apparently Genocide thinks he’s become black…or Eminem.”
Dick: “Hey, I like it. Genocide’s right though, I don’t get why people worship those rappers. Everyone should just go buy a Genocide tee shirt, and everything would be alright.”
Ed: “Yeah, that would solve the world’s problems.”
[“People=Shit” by Slipknot hits and the crowd breaks into boos as Genocide walks out from behind the curtain. He’s got a mic in his hand, which can only mean trouble.]
"It's an honored to wrestler in front of each and every one of you!!! Being a celebrity, I like to give back to the community. Some people work in soup kitchens once a year and consider themselves saints. Those people are self-righteus hypocrites. They don't care about you people!! They're not people persons!!”
“I on the other hand give back to my fellow man, by providing entertainment for mentally retarded people such as yourselves week in and week out courtesy of the IWF!!! Let's face it, the only way that I could make you people smart, is by squirting lemon juice in your eyes!
*Crowd stands up and delivers a thunderous boo*
"Everyone sit down this instant! Nobody can stand you! Gosh, just look at me, standing out here in front of you worthless wastes of skin cells! Honestly, what does Tim see in you people? Honestly, he probably sees a little of himself in all of you. I mean he, like all of you, is as useless as a chocolate firegaurd. I mean, you people call Tim a Pop Icon? I've seen better film on teeth!”
[Genocide walks down to the ring to another chorus of boos, which he thoroughly enjoys, and the ref lets him in through the door. The bell rings, and Genocide and Harris charge at each other. Harris tries to spear Genocide, but Genocide gets a knee up and catches Harris in the face. Harris goes down hard. Genocide lays the boots to him and then picks him up by the hair. Genocide punches Harris in the face, but Harris returns the favor. The two start trading punches, back and forth, but Harris takes the advantage. He throws a few punches to Genocide, knocking Genocide back into the corner. Harris backs up, gets a running start, and charges at Genocide. Genocide ducks down and flips Harris up in the air. Harris goes over the ring post, hits the cage, and falls to the outside the ropes. Genocide yanks him back through the ropes, stands him up, and hits a cradle DDT, which he holds in a pin for a couple seconds, before realizing that a pin does him no good in a cage match. Genocide gets off him and climbs up the edge of the cage. It looks like he’s going to win it, as Harris is still on the ground. However, rather than taking the quick victory, Genocide jumps off the top of the cage and lands on Harris with a Phenox splash. Genocide gets up and tries to work the crowd, but they boo him. He flips them off and gets back to work on Harris. He throws Harris off the ropes and attempts a clothesline as Harris runs back at him. Harris ducks the clothesline, hits the other ropes, comes back and dropkicks Genocide. Both men go down, and get up at about the same speed, as Harris is still recovering from the splash. Harris throws a couple punches to Genocide and delivers a single arm DDT. Both men are up rather quickly, but Harris is a little quicker. Harris goes to punch Genocide in the face, but Genocide blocks it. Genocide returns the punch to Harris, but he ducks it and steps behind him. Harris hits him with a German suplex, and both men are down. It takes about ten seconds for Harris to get to his feet, and Genocide is just starting to stir. Harris kicks him a couple times and heads for the door. At the top of the ramp, Apocalypse comes running down. Apoc gets to the door a few seconds before Harris. The ref opens the door for Harris, who sees Apoc, but is willing to fight him off when he gets outside in order to get the victory. Tim steps through the ropes, as Genocide crawls for him, attempting to grab his leg. As Harris puts his head through the door, Apoc pushes the ref out of the way and slams the door shut on Harris, knocking him backwards. Harris is about to fall out, but Apoc holds the door shut and flips the lock. Genocide has now gotten to his feet, but is still weak. Harris, however, has just felt a steel door hit his head, and is nearly knocked out. Genocide pulls him through the ropes and stands him up straight. Genocide pulls out a bronze athletic cup from his pants and slams Harris in the face with it. Harris goes down in the middle of the ring, and Genocide pulls the rest of the jockstrap out of his pants. He walks over to the edge of the ring to hand it to Apoc, who is supposed to throw it into the crowd, but Apoc refuses to touch it. Genocide gets pissed with him and climbs to the top of the cage. He throws the souvenirs into the crowd, which runs away from it. Genocide steps back down and stands above Harris. He looks around, and the crowd starts to boo, knowing what coming…]
Ed: “No…”
Dick: “Yes! Here it comes!”
[Genocide runs off one rope, back over Harris, off the other rope, and back to Harris. He stops for a second, jerks his hand near his crotch, as if masturbating, and drops an elbow to Harris’s face.]
Ed: “NO! NO!”
Dick: “Masturbation elbow! It’s gotta be over!”
[Outside, Medea has snuck down to the ring with a kendo stick, without being seen by Apoc or Genocide. The crowd let out a short cheer, but Genocide just figured they were cheering for the masturbation elbow.]
Ed: “I wonder what Medea’s doing down here. She already had her match.”
Dick: “I don’t know, but I don’t like it. Not one bit.”
[In the ring, Harris has managed to get to his hands and knees, giving Genocide an idea. Genocide gets on top of him and attempts to ride him like a horse. Harris isn’t having it, and starts kicking around and trying to stand up, giving Genocide a bull ride. Genocide stays on for as long as he can, making Harris reach up and gouge him in the eyes to get him to fall. Genocide falls backwards and Harris crawls into the corner, taking a rest while he can. Genocide is rolling around covering his eye. Eventually, both men get up. Genocide is in better condition, but Harris can see better. Genocide charges at Harris, but Harris counters and hits him with a spinebuster, making the crowd go insane. He slaps on an ankle lock to Genocide, which he’s able to hold for about ten seconds. Genocide eventually throws a kick up to Harris’s face, getting free of the move. Harris picks Genocide up and delivers an inpact DDT, putting Genocide down again. Harris starts for the door again, thinks better of it, and tries to climb out. He climbs up the corner, not seeing Genocide getting up behind him. He gets to the top turnbuckle and starts climbing a little higher when Genocide runs over. Genocide climbs up behind him, and the two start trading punches on the top ropes. Tim seems to be winning, but Genocide throws a knee to Harris’s crotch, and Harris almost falls, but Genocide catches him. Genocide leans back against the cage, sets Harris up, and delivers a sit down “Genocide” powerbomb. Genocide pops up and heads for the door, leaving Harris in a heap on the ground. The ref goes to open the door, but Apocalypse pushes him out of the way again and opens the door himself. Genocide steps out and gets down to the floor. The ref asks Apoc if he wants to call for the bell, but Apoc tells him to go ahead and do it himself. The ref calls for the bell and raises Genocide’s hand. Apoc and Genocide step around the corner of the ring to walk up the ramp, but Medea jumps out with the kendo stick and slams Apoc over the head with it. Genocide looks at her, stunned, and Medea slams him as well. She takes it to both of them a few more times, leaving them both nearly unconscious on the ground. She looks at her work, content, and looks in at Harris. Realizing he’s already almost in a coma, she leaves without taking a third victim.]
Dick: “What’s she doing!”
Ed: “I think she just took out Genocide and Apocalypse.”
Dick: “I know that!”
Ed: “We’ve gotta get to a commercial everyone, but we’ll be back in a minute with the main event.”
[The scene cuts to commercial.]
[Back from commercial.]
Ed: “And we’re back folks. In just a minute-”
[The scene cuts to the outside, on the street where Payne and Apoc are waiting to begin. They’re each being restrained by a few refs, making sure the match doesn’t begin early. The ref waves for them to begin, now that the camera is filming.]
Dick: “Here we go folks! The IWF’s first street fight!”
[Payne stares at Apocalypse for a couple seconds, then charges straight at him. Apocalypse backs a couple steps backwards, but Payne catches up with him quickly. Payne grabs him by the throat and keeps running, straight into a car on the side of the road. Payne holds Apoc around the throat for a few seconds, then letting the hold go, letting Apoc slump up against the car.. Payne takes a step back, circles around, and moves right back towards Apoc, who has stepped off the car. The two tie up, and Apoc throws a head butt to Payne, knocking Payne backwards. A small line of blood trickles down from the edge of Payne’s lips. Payne smiles at Apoc and walks slowly towards him. Apoc charges forward and hits a clothesline, knocking Payne to the ground. Payne is up quickly, but Apoc whips him into a car. Payne hits the car, but not hard enough to hurt him. He comes running back, and Apoc puts up his boot, aiming for Payne’s head. Payne, however, grabs the back of Payne’s calf in full stride and pushes it straight up, while still running forward. Apoc’s legs go flying up over his head, while Apoc continues backwards with Payne. Apoc ends up doing almost an entire backflip, but doesn’t complete the flip. He ends up landing on the back of his neck and head.]
Dick: “Oh my god! He could be dead! He could have broken his neck!”
[Payne checks Apoc for life by stomping his torso a few times. After seeing that Apoc is in fact alive, and still conscious, Payne goes back to work on him. He picks Apoc up by the hair and stands him up straight. Apoc hunches back over when Payne lets go of him, so Payne stands him back up straight again, this time holding him up straight. Payne rears back and hits him with a brutal punch to the forehead, knocking Apoc down to the unforgiving pavement.]
Dick: “That was a closed fist!”
Ed: “And this is a street fight.”
Dick: “Damn.”
[Apoc is down, and Payne goes to lift him up again. Apoc has other ideas. He throws a low blow in on Payne, knocking Payne backwards and doubling him over. Apoc gets up, but rather than attacking him, he goes off in search of a weapon. He finds a trash can a few feet away and picks it up, with the trash and everything in it. He charges at Payne and slams the open end of the trash can into Payne, knocking him over and covering him with trash. Payne is down, and Apoc looks around for another weapon. He finds a pickup truck about twenty feet away from Payne, and looks in the back, where he finds a toolbox. He opens it up and pulls out a crowbar and a wrench, among other things. He slips the wrench in his pocket, and picks up the crowbar to use it on Payne. He walks back over to Payne, who is just now standing up. Apoc winds up and swings the crowbar at Payne’s head. Payne ducks, and the crowbar slams into a car window, shattering it. Payne was playing opossum, and Apoc pays the price. Payne breaks a shard of glass off from the broken window and holds it like a knife. It slices into Payne’s hand, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. He whips it at Apoc, slicing into his shoulder, drawing blood, but not deep enough to do serious damage. Payne drops the glass and picks up the crowbar which Apoc had dropped. He slams the crowbar into Apoc’s gut, and then slams it over the back of his head. Apoc goes down quickly, and lies motionless on the ground for a few seconds. Payne gives him the same test as before to see if he’s alive and conscious, and Apoc is. Payne picks him up and walks him around to the front of a car. He sets Apoc up and slams him onto the hood of the car with a powerbomb. Payne goes for the cover.]
{One…..Two…}
[Apoc barely kicks out. Payne lifts him up on his shoulder and walks out into the middle of the street. He pauses for a second and delivers a powerslam to the pavement. Rather than attempting another pin, Payne lifts him up and stands him up straight. Payne grabs him by the throat, and is just about to lift him up for a chokeslam. However, before he gets the chance, Apoc reaches into his pocker and pulls out the wrench he had slipped into his pocket earlier. Just before Payne can deliver the chokeslam, Apoc smacks him in the side of the head with the wrench, knocking Payne backwards and getting Apoc out of the chokeslam. Payne leans back on a car, and Apoc staggers over to him, trying to end the match with the wrench. Payne dodges the wrench, and Apoc smashes another window. Payne slips around behind Apoc and waits for him to turn around. When he does, Payne starts pummeling him with punch after punch. Apoc drops to the ground after about ten shots to his head, a few of which he managed to block. Payne picks him back up and picks him up into a vertical suplex. He holds him straight up for a few seconds, walks towards the nearest car, and drops Apoc backwards on top of it, putting a large dent in the hood. Payne pulls him off the hood and out into the middle of the street again. This time, Payne executes his finisher, ‘Bring the Payne.’ This time Payne goes for the cover.]
{One…..Two…..Three}
[The ref raises Payne’s hand, and some medical technicians attend to Apocalypse, who still isn’t moving. They take him away on a stretcher, and Payne heads back inside to his dressing room. The scene cuts back inside to Ed and Dick.]
Dick: “I can’t believe that! What was Payne thinking!”
Ed: “He was trying to win the match, I think.”
Dick: “That was ridiculous! They ought to fire him for what he just did!”
Ed: “For winning?”
Dick: “Oh shut up!”
Ed: “That’s all the time we’ve got for tonight everyone. Tune in next week for the IWF’s first ever Pay Per View, Holiday Havoc!”
Dick: “It’s gonna be a great show everyone. I can’t wait. Genocide, the first World Champion!”
Ed: “We’ll see Dick. You saw what Payne did to his pal tonight.”
Dick: “Did I ask you?”
Ed: “Yo-”
Dick: “No, I didn’t. Tune in next week everyone.”
{FADE OUT}