Ashley's Role in My Life
I’ve never expressed to anyone how much Ashley meant to me. All three of the girls, Stephanie, Courtney, and Ashley meant the world to me. Almost every weekend I would go to their house and baby-sit. I started baby-sitting for Bobbi and Dave when Stephanie was just a baby. I was only 12 years old so it wasn’t often that I baby-sat. Often times my older brother Brian (whom passed away in September of ‘93) would watch Stephanie. When Courtney was born I don’t recall watching them much until Courtney was at least 2, which would have made Stephanie 5. I loved the 2 girls so much, and I enjoyed playing with them. I recall them telling me “We like you because you play with us.” I never said no (unless there was no other choice) when Bobbi would call for me to baby-sit.
Shortly after Ashley was born I started baby-sitting the three of them. Steph and Court got mad at me sometimes because I was “spending too much time with the baby.” They always made sure that as soon as Ashley was asleep, I started playing with them. I looked forward to getting phone calls asking me to come baby-sit. In a way they became my lifeline. Whenever I would walk in the house to baby-sit, Steph would run up to give me a hug, and then Courtney. One night, I remember this plain as day; Ashley came running after the girls calling my name and gave me a hug. As soon as I got my hug though, down she was and off to play. The girls meant everything to me and I never imagined my world without any of them.
When I heard that Ashley had leukemia, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want to face the fact that death was an option. I kept telling myself there are plenty of other people out there with leukemia and they’re still living their lives to the fullest. The phone calls asking me to baby-sit had ended and I stopped expecting them to come. I was saddened by the fact that I never got to see Ashley or the other 2 girls. There were times however that I would end up in the same place as Stephanie and Courtney. The girls both came and gave me a hug and said that they missed me. I never lost hope of Ashley living though. Each night when I prayed, I asked God to let Ashley live a full life, to let her grow up and have kids of her own. I did get the chance to visit Ashley once while she was in the hospital. I remember going into the first room to wash my hands and she was pointing at me saying, “there’s Sara” and she seemed so happy to see me.
At Easter I got to see Ashley and when I talked to her, she seemed to want nothing to do with me and completely clue less as to whom I was. I was crushed; I didn’t know what to think. Then, one night I had a dream, and Ashley was in it. She gave me a hug and talked with me, and although I remember nothing of what was said, it doesn’t matter. I feel that the point of the dream, was God’s way of telling me that Ashley does remember me, it just wasn’t a good day for her, and in her own time she will let me know she cares.
In September when I heard that the doctors couldn’t do anymore for little Ashley, I hurt. It was a hurt I had never had before. I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I wanted to see her. So one night my mom and I went over to Dave and Bobbi’s to see the girls. It took a while, but after I started picking on Courtney, Ashley came over to rescue her big sister. She started picking on me and eventually started playing a little game with me. She stood behind me and as I turned one way she would hide the other way and have a big grin on her face. The one thing I will never forget about Ashley is her smile. At that moment I knew that she could never forget me.
On October 22nd, after my mom came home from work, she came into the computer room and told me that Ashley had passed away. I didn’t really know what to think. Shock took over my body, and I cried, not because Ashley died, but because God took her away from me. I asked myself how he could do that and why. I hurt so much inside and the pain wouldn’t cease. God didn’t take her away from anyone he brought her home. It took me a while to accept that, but I eventually learned to. I felt as though I had owed Ashley something, like I had to do something for her and so I created this web page. It began as my way of letting go, of releasing my hurt. I never imagined that so many people would hear about it, but I’m glad your here, and reading this. If Ashley taught me anything while she was here, it was how to never give up on people no matter the cost, and when it comes a person’s time to go home, I don’t have to stop loving them. I can love them with my whole heart, and still be able to let go.