Old Friday Of The Week Jokes
25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP
Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Chanel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again" !
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!
Subject: Don't Fool With the Old Folks
Thanks Eleanor Brooks!
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story... Don't mess with us old folks.... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my
beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good
job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police
Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around,
that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test,
now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a
warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your
gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video
camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago...
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
This should hit home with the snowbirds amongst us!
Canadians are finally going to help America with the war on
terrorism.
Canada has pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 600 ground
troops and 6 fighter jets.
After the American exchange rate, the US ended up with 2
Mounties, 1 canoe and a flying squirrel.
Points to Ponder - Thanks Wally
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Signs, nothing but signs:
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