WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to consider every conceivable advantage that Iraq might have over the United States in a war, U.S. military intelligence has turned their attention to their crotches. Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld made a convincing argument to the press this week that the size of a man's willy winkee can have an enormous impact...in a battle. "We have not made many strides since (Rumsfeld's) been here in improving our penile intelligence take...or as we like to call it, our penile intake," one CIA insider said during a "Town Hall" meeting with military and civilian workers at the Pentagon. Pentagon officials are considering "having a somewhat more senior person overseeing the intelligence"...some took that to mean retired General Schwartzkopf who, during the Gulf War, was known as "Schwantz-kopf". Whomever they chose to lead this meaty investigation, the Pentagon is being very clear on one, blunt point; this war could come down to a sword fight.

MIAMI, Florida -- Miami International Airport, still reeling from having to close down a terminal earlier this month in a poisonous gas scare, is now working to distance itself from an airport screener who has been accused of fondling people's bags as they go through the X-Ray machine. Manuel Rodriguez, known as "Manuel" to his friends, was caught on surveillance tape telling frequent flyers, "I want to take your bag and squeeze it like a little teenage boy feeling girl parts for the first time at a school dance". To make matters worse, he was also caught on tape doing what one witness described as "dry humping" a suit bag. Rodriguez was unavailable for comment.

GUATEMALA CITY, Guatemala -- A 147-page report published this week slams the makers of Boboli Pizza Crust by accusing it of exploiting the labor market in Guatemala in an effort to "make dough". The report examines two sectors of the Boboli process, the making of instantly-stale bread and the blowing of air into the bread to give it girth. To accomplish this, Boboli employs ten people who make 12 dollars a day. This practice has gone on for over 7 years because the people of Guatemala thought they were getting a real salary...this perspective was largely due to the fact that Kathie Lee Gifford had been shelling out only 4 dollars a day to workers in Phnom Penh, Cambodia who would produce her clothing line and push her around in a golden rickshaw.

ORLANDO, Florida -- People claiming to represent FOX announced that its three teeny bopping finalists from American Idol (Justin Guarini, Nikki McKibbin, and Kelly Clarkson) were crushed in the jaws of three Florida alligators. Guarini was apparently devoured first by an animal locals referred to as the "gay gator". Next went Clarkson, who went tether-to-teeth with the alligator for a full minute before realizing that she should've read that "How To Escape From Impossible Situations" book in the green room. McKibbin was eaten last though, ironically, she is the reason the gators came "a lookin'", as one local described it because her last name sounds like a fast food value meal. When asked why, if all three contestants were dead, did they appear on television Wednesday night, the representative caved in under the pressure and ran away. One onlooker swore he saw him run into a CBS news van.