"Snickers bars are freaking satisfying!" Miami Harold, Editor |
Volume 1, Issue 8 September 26, 2002 |
H O M E |
LOS ANGELES, California -- Don King wowed the paparazzi on the red carpet on the way to celebrate Emmy as he touted his new sex change operation. LOS ANGELES, California -- Three's Company star John Ritter showed that he was still stuck in the 70's as he struggled to understand how his cell phone works. LOS ANGELES, California -- Yoko Ono and Darius Rucker were seen canoodling on the red carpet, fueling rumors that Yoko's trying to break up Hootie and the Blowfish. LOS ANGELES, California -- $925,000 dollars spent on security during the Emmy's didn't thwart Osama Bin Laden, but it did keep this jackass from violating the dress code. |
MIAMI, Florida -- The beauty pageant world was rocked as Russia's title-holder became a dethroned Miss Universe this week due to overexposure of her "special talent", farting into her hands and then quickly smelling it. Oxana Fedorova, who is also committed to a career in the police as a backup drug sniffer, was quoted as saying on Wednesday she had performed her special talent diligently but had been misled into believing that it was something people actually wanted to see. Fedorova, replaced by Miss Panama in a New York ceremony, told the tabloid daily Komsomolskaya Pravda that she had been astonished at press reports that she had been unworthy of the title. ``Hey, you try farting into your hands then smelling it...its not easy...its a gas you know...gas is very difficult to hold'' Fedorova told the daily in a front-page article entitled ``Toot-sie'' MIAMI, Florida -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair made his case for disarming Iraq to Parliament and the world Tuesday, accusing President Saddam Hussein's regime of building factories designed to kill every kitten in Iraq. Convening an emergency legislative debate, Blair presented a summary of intelligence data asserting that Iraq has long sought for a way to rid its country from anything that might be considered cute and friendly. This explains why Iraq was adamantly against having Olson Twins enter the country as weapons inspectors. Blair's report notes that Iraq has been frustrated over the country's lack of rivers and streams that would promote the NATO sanctioned way of killing kittens: drowning them in bags. The report goes on to say that Iraq has already obtained vital components for a kitten-incineration device and says it would take one to two years for Hussein's regime to build enough factories to engage in mass kitten killing in a way that only Sylvester Pussycat could envision. Iraq was quick to defend their actions, saying that the factories were OK as long as they continued to put the kittens in bags. WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- Whuffles, the first dog to undergo a series of Botox injections, is recovering steadily at her home in Boca Raton. Botox is a purified bacterium called Clostridium botutuliom that works by weakening the muscles that cause wrinkles. Whuffles, soon approaching her 6th birthday, had been concerned for a while that her pant lines would keep her from becoming someone's bitch. Once Whuffles got approval from her vet, the treatment itself took only a few minutes to administer. Whuffles is very pleased with the results so far, but is a bit distracted by her numb, loose muscles that no longer give her the ability to bark...she has also noted that she no longer has the ability to recognize her own ass smell. WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- Gerda Spillmann and Hans Luxemborg, the two guys who love Riccola throat lozenges so much that they lug giant horns up to the top of a Swiss mountain and then wake up their neighbors, have had a change of heart regarding their cure for cold relief. Spillmann and Luxemborg have become Buddhists and...because of their newfound faith... have come to realize that, though shown in clinical studies to reduce the severity and duration of the common cold, Riccola actually promotes a depression of the immune response and other hosts defense mechanisms. |
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