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| "Avocados don't get ripe in the freaking freezer!" Miami Harold, Editor |
Volume 1, Issue 9 October 3, 2002 |
| H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R |
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MIAMI, Florida -- Mayor Alex Pinellas honored a Columbian dignitary by putting her in his little black book with three stars next to her name.
BLACKPOOL, England -- Former President Bill Clinton, while on a tour of England, took time out to touch the local's naughty parts. Says Clinton, "I feel your pain...I also feel your boobies."
MILAN, Italy -- The producers of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome proudly unveiled their latest line of prom dresses to an excited Italian crowd. Said one spectator, "We'uh so'uh excited'uh."
DAVIE, Florida -- A new study showed that pigs don't like getting peed on unless they're really thirsty.
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Volume 1
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WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- The Presidential Press Room was abuzz with talk of Harvey Forkell's collapse to the floor with bleeding eyeballs. Forkell, a correspondent for CNN, is the latest victim in the increasingly caustic fight against President Bush's chronic halitosis. "He's skipping too many meals planning for Iraq...and he's not brushing as often," claims one reporter. Another reporter with leanings to the Democratic side of things commented that the halitosis is a result of "swallowing so much bullshit". The press has been keeping a noticeable distance from Bush, whose breath smells like "limburger cheese thrown on a tire fire". Despite their efforts the President still manages to get in close, or wipe a hanky across his mouth and then carelessly leave it in smelling range. Such slips may have cost Harvey Forkell his sight.
BOCA RATON, Florida -- A new report from the Dining Association of Florida (DAF) shows that condiments and table tchotchkes (advertisements touting an apple dessert, flower arrangements, etc...) now make up for about 87% of a table's total surface area real estate. This alarming figure coincides with Americans growing discontent over the inability to put their entire order on the table. DAF has documented that 75% of couples who dine out have asked for a table for four. Experts initially thought that the problem had more to do with "fatso's who order a whole cheese cake, a cheese steak sandwich, cheesy fries, and cheese puffs"...surprising, this was not the case...except for one guy down in Coral Gables. The true root of the problem became clear once historians joined into the discussion. Says dining historian, Flans Jlommer, "We first saw food order capacity problems back in the 50's...people were finally wise enough to get those freakin' juke boxes off of the darn tables...but the backlash from that was that people then thought that the space left behind could be filled with other things...after a couple years people forgot that the whole reason behind the elimination of the juke boxes was to make more room for food". When asked how useless and empty a life must be to become a dining historian, Jlommer told us to fuck off.
HAVANA, Cuba -- Fidel Castro, communist leader of Cuba, shocked the world this week when he unveiled a (gasp) capitalist scheme to bring money into his country by creating the world's first Cuban health shake. Unlike other health drinks, which promise to revitalize your system after a good workout, the Cuban health shake promises to "oppress your immune system". "You see, there a special little chemicals at work in this shake that help promote the communist agenda at the molecular level," explains the scientist behind the research and development of the Cuban health shake, Fux Utoo, "After a while your body no longer craves to better itself...it becomes very happy with its preordained status in life". Initial reaction among Cubans was very positive for fear of imprisonment.