Akio lifts and eyebrow and smirks pleasantly, "It would be my… pleasure… to -instruct- you in the ways of… driving."

She turns several interesting shades of red, but being Utena, she lets that remark just fly over her head. Instead, she attempts to redirect the Dean's attention. "Oh, that would be wonderful… but I just wouldn't feel right unless everyone else was given the same…" She pauses for emphasis, "…opportunity."

Biting off the obvious reply of, "Oh, they have," as well as a fear for his Car(s), Akio forces a smile, "If you insist."

***** ### *** ### *****

Akio stands in front of a large seminar of people to whom he has agreed to loan his Car. His deep voice resounds over all of them, "You -will- respect my Car. Respect is as you respect me… wait a minute…" He pauses for a moment, "Respect the Car, or there will be most unpleasant consequences… for you." He accents that particular remark with a feral grin and several -ulps- are heard throughout the room as the people are too paralyzed to even attempt to refreeze their knees.

***** ### *** ### *****

Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka all stand beside the car, looking curiously at the multiple buttons and levers. Since none of the three has ever had an original thought, they all think the same thought and simultaneously dive for the drivers seat. Once the dust has settled after the resulting collision, Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka look at each other, realizing that the driver's seat was made for one.

Being mature and cleverly astute students, they discover that three is a larger number than one, and therefore someone, rather two someones, will be left out. Since the odds were against them, each man resolved to fight for the right to the key… and the Car.

With much hissing and clawing and general mayhem, the three boys attack each other with a vengeance. The catfight that ensues would leave even Nanami standing in awe, and finally, as the dust and debris settles, it does. Nanami blinks in confusion at the sight of her three masculine henchmen lying winded on their backs, various U.B.P.s sticking at odd and awkward angles.

The Car rolls its head lights and lets out an anatomically impossible sigh as it waits for a more… mature… drivers to settle upon its plush upholstered leather interior.

Some time later, a mature driver does arrive. Miki timidly pokes his head around a protective lamppost. As the Car eagerly drive up along side of the lamppost, Miki once again reads his letter from Ends of the World. He wonders why on earth the ends thereof would want him to learn how to drive. Shrugging his shoulders, obedient as always, he gingerly opens the door and sits down behind the wheel.

-Far- behind the wheel.

Being a genius, he quickly discovers the button which moves the seat closer to the dashboard, allowing him to reach both wheel and the pedals. He pulls out his stopwatch, and giving it an affectionate click, buckles it into the seat beside him. He then carefully buckles his own seat belt and starts the car, curiously experimenting with the break.

Gaining confidence, he relaxes and drives out of the school parking lot and into the nearby town. As a mater of fact, the young blue haired secretary manages quite well, considering he's never driven a car before. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end, especially when Dean Akio is somehow involved.

Inevitably, Miki carefully approaches his first Stop Sign.

This great command causes something in Miki's mind to… click. He reaches over and grabs his stopwatch and quickly checks the time, never even thinking to stop the… Car.

The Car, due to Miki's understandable neglect, crashes head on with a tree. There is a resounding crunch, and several minutes later, a slightly dusty, thoroughly shaken Miki shyly slinks back to his dorm room, overly embarrassed and fearing for his life.

Wakaba, dressed in a Blues Brothers hat and a stylish pair of Ray Bans, as well as her typical school uniform, bounds energetically over to the Car, cheerfully plopping into the front seat. After a few embarrassing errors of trying to start the Car, Wakaba drives off campus, generally trying to look cool even though she has no clue what she's doing.

Some how she manages to get lost in the city, and while scouring the streets for some clue as to where the hell she is, and/or which way to go, Wakaba spots a fairly handsome boy wearing a black and yellow spotted bandana. All interest in going home is completely lost, and replaced in favor of spying on that… really… cute… boy. And so she follows him, keeping the car at a typical spying distance.

Never taking her eyes off the boy, she follows him unfailingly until he suddenly turns off into a forest and disappears from her sight. Wakaba looks around to see if she can find a road that will take her around the forest, hoping to catch the cute guy at the other side. She sees a road sign, written in English. English not being one of her best subjects, she feebly stutters out, "Mass of… Chuchus…?"

Not seeing a clear turn off to the other side of the forest, Wakaba turns off the road and pulls into a gas station. Through her mumbled Japanese and frantic gestures, the attendant realizes… she's -lost-. He calms her down and explains very slowly, "You are in Massachusetts. Mass-a-chu-setts."

Wakaba blinks, "Mass of Chuchus?"

"No. Mass-a-chu-setts."

Blink, "Mass of Chuchus?"

Without warning, the attendant watches in shock as her car drives itself up next to the confused and obviously Japanese girl, then butts her several times to get her attention.

The girl shrugs and hops in the Car, then waves at the confused man, "Ja ne!"

The next day, dressed in his full Kendo battle regalia, Saionji approaches his honorable and worthy opponent: The Car. Formal kendo blade at his side, he strides in as manly a walk as one can stride when one is wearing a skirt. He opens the door to the driver's seat in a courageous and valiant manner, then fearlessly takes his place on the leather upholstered seat. After smoothly securing his seatbelt and starting the car, he calmly buckles in a Chibi Rose Bride Doll beside him.

Thus this manly example of men among men drives his doll around campus. This debonair appearance does not last long as Saionji notices the subtle manipulations of the Car. He becomes increasingly frustrated and distraught as the car tries to tempt the doll with its leather interior designing. Soon he is paying more attention to the doll than to the road, as he occasionally slaps it for its unfaithful tendencies. This distraction, however, proves to be his undoing.

Without his attention on the road, the Car is accidentally driven into the large fountain in the garden. A considerably more wet Saionji drags his unfaithful Anthy Doll back to Wakaba's room.

Back in the parking lot, a few hours later, a drier, less abused Car faces its next challenge. A figure approaches, clad in a tight pair of leather chaps and a pleather vest, with spiky steel bracelets around both wrists, ankles, and neck, along with steel tipped Doc Martins and a random set of dog tags with the phrase, "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Revolution SUCKS, and I love Chu, " stamped upon their surface.

As the Car faces its worst nightmare, Anthy slips into the driver's seat. She jams the key into the ignition and revs the engine several times for effect. As the entire body of the school watches in awe and fear, Akio crosses his fingers and prays to Dios that he hasn't made a terrible mistake. All instinctively hold their breath as Anthy shifts the car out of park.

With a face that's set in stone, Anthy proceeds to circle the campus, never exceeding two miles per hour for fear that she might run over some helpless animal. There is, needless to say, a perpetual state of sweatdrop.

The next day, being it took an entire day and night for Anthy to successfully circle the campus… once… Utena gets her chance.

As Utena methodically familiarizes herself with the car and practices a bit in the parking lot, Akio watches on, slightly bemused and somewhat pleased that his -favorite- student is one who can actually drive. Feeling fairly confidant, Utena takes the car off campus. She decides that while she has the chance, she can visit one of her close friends who was recently placed in the hospital for an operation. Familiar with the geographic locale, she heads out in the direction of the hospital. She pulls up in the parking lot and is about to get out of the car when she notices the giant neon lights broadcasting 'Days Inn'. A few subtle double takes confirm that she is in fact in a motel parking lot. Highly confused, she once again begins driving in the direction of the hospital. Pulling into the parking lot, Utena is about to get out of the car when she notices the giant lights that broadcast 'Holiday Inn Express'. Agitated and confused, Utena pulls out of the lot again, once more in search of the elusive hospital. She doesn't find it. After visiting every other hotel imaginable, Utena gives up and returns to the school, her princely head hanging in directional defeat.

Wakaba lets the Car drive itself this time, hoping it'll know how to get back to school. With a last longing look at the forest, Wakaba mumbles, "Hot… guy…"

The Car comes to a halt… in the middle of a square bustling with people. She notices a man who vaguely resembles the boy who she followed to the forest. The two strike up an overtly flirtatious conversation, and though they're not speaking the same language, they seem to seem to understand each other perfectly well… or so they thought.

The man smiles, "So, is this your first time in Paris?"

Wakaba repeats, "Paris?" She thinks to herself, 'Isn't that some kind of deodorant?'

The man snuggles up a little closer to his pretty companion, the suddenly, without warning, a very jealous red Car bumps into him, not liking the fact that its passenger is being monopolized.

Wakaba looks as though she's about to bust into tears, but obediently hops into the angry intimidating Car.

In valiant attempt to thwart the Akio-car's so far successful manipulations, another brave challenger appears. Chuchu, wearing a Speed Racer racing helmet, specially designed for monkey mice so that his ears stick out the sides, boldly hops into the driver's seat. Two prominent obstacles arise. First, he can't see up to the steering wheel, much less above it. Two, he can't reach the pedals. With a 'chu' of regret, he sadly plods back to the dorm, after dejectedly kicking the Car's tire.

The Car then takes Wakaba as far away from temptation as it can possibly get her. Wakaba directs the Car into the parking lot of a small pavilion whose sign reads 'Tourist Canter' in many languages. She hops out of the Car and approaches the woman behind the counter. She politely asks if anyone knows which way she should go.

The woman asks, "To get to the Tower of Pisa?"

Wakaba, hearing the word 'pizza' and realizing that she is very hungry, nods.

The woman smiles and points down the road, "It's down this road. You can't miss it."

Wakaba cheerfully thanks the woman and drives that car in the suggested direction. The further she drives, the more glazed over her eyes become with hunger. It should be noted that when one's eyes are glazed over, marble looks a lot like cheese.

As soon as the Tower comes into sight, a disbelieving Wakaba jumps out of the Car. She blinks, "Damn… there really is a Tower of Pizza.' She runs with all her might and makes a flying glomp.

As she contacts a strange hard wall, which is definitely not cheese, she blinks and looks around. She finds herself attached to the side of a building, and the ground is very far below. Before she can think of a way to get down, the building shakes a little. With another brief shudder, the entire structure topples to the ground, bringing with it, a very very very confused Wakaba.

An infuriated mob chases Wakaba out of the town. Once again, the Car happily speeds after her.

Not even noticing, or maybe just ignoring the monkey-mouse's defeat, Juri approaches the Car. She is clad in pants and a jacket that make her look particularly masculine. Topping off the effect is a stylish pair of Ray Ban sunglasses. Expertly, she starts the car in drive and moves of to the town, spending the entire day picking up various women who recognize The Car.

The next day Shiori assumes her position behind the wheel. She also expertly starts the Car. Wearing her school uniform and a little extra make-up, Shiori speeds into town. She casually patrols the streets, picking up various guys who recognize The Car.

Some time later, Wakaba notices that the surroundings have gotten very very dark, and the air has gotten inexplicably warm. Suddenly words of flame appear above her head. She reads allowed, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Wakaba looks at the fine print, "Welcome to Hell."

She screams at the Car, "WHAT THE HELL?"

In response, the Car goes faster. Frantically kicking open the glove compartment, Wakaba arms herself with several containers of whipped cream.

Before long, Wakaba finds herself fending off demons… who recognized The Car. For some reason, the Car stops and parks itself into a parking space which has been specially reserved for it. Wakaba, of course, is plastered to the seat.

Blinking back fear, Wakaba hesitantly opens her eyes and to her surprise, she sees, in the seat next to her, a very drop dead gorgeous guy… except for the fangs. The two -look- at each other in surprise.

Wakaba yelps, "You're… not…?"

Satan blinks, "You're… not…"

Satan recovers from his initial confusion, as does Wakaba. She kicks the antifreeze out of the Car and yells, "CAR NO BAKA! GET ME THE HELL OF HERE!"

The Car's headlights blink.

Wakaba sweatdrops, "Ooooo… JUST GO!"

The Car and Wakaba speed off, leaving a very confused Prince of Darkness behind.

Still fending off various demons, Wakaba tries to direct the car as best she can. Just as her supply of whipped cream runs out, the Car exits through a tunnel and onto a vast and icy plain.

The first thing Wakaba notices is the blinding sun. The second thing Wakaba notices is the freezing cold. The third thing Wakaba notices… are the penguins.

The following afternoon, Touga doesn't even bother to open the car door. He vaults over and lands perfectly in the driver's seat, without so much as ruffling his pristine uniform. Becka and Karen hold up cards which read '10.0'. Throwing them a tempting glance, the Seitokaichou directs the car into town. Later that night, he can be seen in picking up various guys and girls who recognize The Car, because hell, he swings both ways. Touga is the only one to fully manipulate the advantage that Akio has given him. He suavely shows off his manly mad skills having mastered the art (and it IS an art) of driving a car full of fun while talking on two cell phones at the same time, and managing the massive mobile orgy which is the Akio-car in all its splendid manipulative glory.

Being that no one wants to ride in the Car until it's been dry cleaned, it is several days until Tsuwabuki volunteers to take his turn. Like Chuchu, he encounters difficulty. After several vain attempts to reach the pedals, he finds that he's just too short.

Seeing his chance, Chuchu hops under the steering wheel before Tsuwabuki leaves. He 'chus' excitedly, pointing frantically at the pedals. Deciding to team up, Tsuwabuki drives while Chuchu pushes the pedals. The car roles backwards as the two unskilled companions really have no idea what to do, and Akio forcibly and repeatedly bangs his head against the wall as his beloved Car backs up out of the campus and into the ocean.

His patience wearing thin, but unwilling to pass up an opportunity for amusement, Akio allows Dios to try. After all, how badly could a god hurt his car?

Dios realizes that a non-corporeal being cannot drive, and so he enlists the aid of Tsuwabuki and Chuchu. Much in their previous manner, Chuchu works the pedals while Tsuwabuki steers the Car. This time, however, Dios keeps the Car on the road using his godly and wonderful powers, and though there are several dangerously close calls with trees, mailboxes, fences, fountains, greenhouses, dorm buildings, towers, as well as several U.B.P.s of various heights, the three come through remarkably unscathed. After the three underdogs successfully navigate the campus a few times, Dios returns the Car to the parking lot. Once there, he drops to his knees, thanking God that teamwork still has some value. Overjoyed almost to the point of tears, the godly manifestation kisses ground.

Akio laughs.

A lot.

And he really enjoys it too…

Dios manages to mumble in a fairly coherent if wavering voice, "I don't understand how you work with small children so well…"

Akio grins, quite ferally, and offers the dejected and pitiful god a knee-melting smile, "It's a talent."

In honor of his miraculously successful return to solid ground, Dios announces that he wants to offer a sacrifice. Someone inconspicuously suggests, "Hey…let's use Nanami!"

There is a simultaneous and energetic cry of "WOOHOO!" from all present.

The Car remembers how Wakaba kicked the antifreeze fluid out of it, and so it stops in the middle of (in case you haven't guessed by now) Antarctica, stubbornly refusing to move. A lonely Wakaba is forced to watch as the Car has a short joust with a Dog Sled, and her only company is the penguins. She talks conversationally to one of them who has manipulated his way into ridding shotgun. (Doo be doo be doo). She mutters frantically, "The loneliness… the desolation… the cold… the lack of fast food places…"

Taking pity on its passenger, the Car finally drives a bedraggled Wakaba home.

Long after the sacrificial party has come to a halt, everyone tells each other about their various adventures over lunch. Touga talks to Akio, Nanami to the three guys and Tsuwabuki, Anthy to Chuchu, finally Wakaba to Utena.

The pink-haired heroine questions, "So, did you have fun Wakaba?"

The onion-head stares blankly at her food and can only mutter, "penguins… penguins… penguins…"

Yes, her only response, "penguins".