Several scenic trips and one routine hospital jaunt later, the entire Utena cast is gathered at the Kammanawannalaya Bar 'n Grill. Akio gives them a manipulative smile and over the simultaneous sounds of knees melting, 'Damn it's', and knees trying to be refrozen, he coos, "Behave yourselves. Don't do anything that I would."
He laughs and drives off into the distance, to find Karen and Becka, the only people he hasn't had the chance to manipulate tonight… yet.
Utena, being the bravest there, strides into the bar, followed by Anthy, Chuchu, Miki, Kozue, Touga, Nanami, Tsuwabuki, Saionji, Wakaba, Juri, and the ghostly manifestation of Dios. They all walk in and sit at random intervals along the bar, and Touga and Kozue find that the Dean has been thoughtful enough to manipulate the staff into allowing underage drinking. In fact, the Dean has such skill that even Chuchu is served without question. Those who have no moral obstacle to getting completely trashed do so with joy. Others, however, exert a little more caution.
Anthy sat at the bar next to Utena, her head bowed slightly as she sipped a glass of red wine. The bottle rested patiently nearby on the table. Utena drank a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Dios sat (or more likely, hovered) next to her with a sad, despondent expression because he had discovered that a non-corporeal being cannot pick up a solid glass. One of the bar's regulars, a rather *happy* middle-aged man, began to hit on Anthy. Before he got too friendly, Utena walked over to him and convinced him otherwise. While Utena was involved in a hot and heated discussion, Anthy smiled to herself and poured half of the bottle of wine into Utena's daiquiri, to see if the pretty red colors mix.
Meanwhile, Miki and Kozue sat at a booth; the former warily drank a Shirley Temple, the latter did shots of tequila. Miki picked up the bottle, which his sister was rapidly downing. He timidly asked, "What's this thing in the bottom?"
Kozue leaned over closer to her dear brother and answered calmly, "A worm."
"A… … … worm?"
"Yup."
Miki, having learned to accept many things from his sister, was expecting any of a variety of answers… "a worm" was not one of them. He asked, "Why is there a worm in the bottle?"
Kozue shrugged, "For flavor." She poured the rest of the bottle's contents into another glass and fished out the worm. She dangled it in front of Miki's nose. "I'll share it with you, oniichan… " Miki hastily excused himself and dashed for the bathroom. Kozue smiled and poured a good deal of the tequila into her brother's Shirley Temple… without the worm. Satisfied for the moment, she signaled the waiter to bring over another bottle, and more lemons.
Speaking of lemons, Utena has become thoroughly intoxicated. She grabbed Anthy by the waist and dragged her up on top of the bar counter, calling even more attention to herself. She *hic*ed softly and called out, "Anybody wanna see a trick?" Utena bent Anthy over backwards and all attention in the room perked up.
Anthy, not quite that drunk yet, was never the less still a fuzzy on the words of the familiar incantation which Utena expected her to say. Oh well, she decided. She could wing it. "O Rose of the noble castle, power of Dios that sleeps within me, Godspeed, Thigh Master, and come in fours."
Utena proudly drew the metal from Anthy's chest. She looked into her hands and saw four oddly bent and highly unfamiliar metal contraptions. She asked, "What are… these…?"
Anthy laughed, "Thigh Masters. ::giggle:: Thigh Masters. ::giggle:: Thigh Masters!"
From her corner booth, Juri noticed the subtle traffic patterns to and from the back room. She took her drink with her and made her way to the obscure door. She looked around and noted the presence of thick fumes and a long table. On the table were packages of fine white powder, various jars and bottles, tablets of every color and size, and several U.B.P.'s (Unidentifiable Botanical Plants). She sensed a useful opportunity, whipped out pre-made contract and approached the man running the tables.
Still on top of the bar, Utena finished her fifth "daiquiri" and announced yet again, "Wanna see another trick?" Once again, everyone turned to watch. By now, Anthy had forgotten a good deal of the words, but it can't be *that* bad, or so Utena thought.
Anthy began, "O glucose of the global tassel, mower of Dios that housekeeps within me, cheerlead thy ringmaster and boing forth." Once again, Utena grasped the metal object and tugged hard. True to Anthy's speech, with a boing, Jerry Springer landed on the bar -- on a pogo stick.
One of the men, previously examining Anthy's chest, remarked, "Hey, It's Jerry Springer! That chick with the chest brought Jerry Springer!" Jerry Springer stopped springing around on the pogo stick and plopped down at the bar to get more ideas for his new movie. With one last longing glance at the chest he was *so* close to, he began interviewing the people at the bar.
Back on the dance floor, Wakaba's eyes never left the blur of green, which was Saionji, caught in the iron jaws of disco fever. Juri sidled up to her and offered her a smoking roll of white paper. Wakaba tried to sidle away, while she asked, "What is that?"
Juri answered, "Just try it. Like this."
As Juri demonstrated, Wakaba mimicked her, caught in the charm inherent in all lesbians. However, Wakaba ended up choking, gagging, coughing, hacking, and generally gasping for oxygen. Undaunted, Juri convinced her to try again, and this time Wakaba got the hang of it. She smiled happily and glomped onto Juri, "This is GOOD!" Juri grinned and carried Wakaba off toward the back room.
STILL on top of the bar, and more intoxicated than ever before, Anthy and Utena were surrounded by a horde of rather interested men. Utena mumbled, "Better get it *right* this time… Anybody wanna see another trick?"
There was a resounding chorus of "Hell, yeah!" Anthy began once more, "O underclothes of the mobile asshole, from the tower of power that kneads inbreeds, nosebleed that bastard and come, whores." Utena happily grasped the familiar hilt of the Sword of Dios. As she pulled it out, she frowned to see that the sword was tied in Akio's pajamas and Utena's underwear. Around the bar, various undergarments from every female on the cast began to rain from nowhere.
The men drooled happily and gathered this "manna from heaven" as one started a chant of "Do it again. Do it again. Do it again!"
Meanwhile, Tsuwabuki noticed that the patrons of the bar (especially Chuchu) were willing to drink ANYTHING, specifically various mixtures of the liquids behind the bar. He looked around to see who could get him into trouble and saw that everyone was occupied in their own drinks and the fruits of Anthy's chest. Tsuwabuki vaulted over the bar and began to experiment with mixtures of his own.
No longer able to stand on the bar, Utena supported herself against a barstool with Anthy still draped backwards over her arm. She grinned to the members of the bar as Anthy began yet another incantation, "O nose of Obi Wan Kenobi, power of that schmuck -- hi oniishan," She waved cheerfully up to Dios, who dangled upside-down by his toes from the ceiling fan and spinning around the room. "that breeds within me, breastfeed your whoremaster and come in force." Utena pulled *something* out of Anthy's chest. When she looked, she saw her hand attached to a lightsaber, attached to Darth Vader, who was attached to random chains, which, in turn, were attached to several scantily clad women. The men of the bar cheered loudly and escorted their new friend and his minions upstairs, leaving Utena and Anthy alone at the bar.
Utena looked down at Anthy, and asked slyly, "So, you wanna schthee a trick?" In retaliation, Anthy leaned over even further backwards and hummed to herself. Utena pulled out a perfectly normal Sword of Dios from Anthy's chest. Overjoyed with her new success, Utena pulled out *another* Sword of Dios…
Meanwhile, the bar top had been occupied by Chuchu and his two newfound cousins, Pipi and Kaka. In the midst of their conversation, they discovered a new, multi-syllable word:
"Pi."
"Ka."
"Chu."
"Pi."
"Ka."
"Chu."
As if on cue, a yellow *thing* bounces onto the bar. "Pika?" Chuchu blinks, "Chu?"
They all agree. "Pikachu."
Several hours later, Akio drove Karen and Becka, having been fully manipulated into allowing this page to exist, to the site of the bar. Upon screeching to a perfectly aligned halt, Becka managed to pry Karen away from the oh-so-tempting leather interior designing. Desperate to get anywhere, as long as it was away from Akio, Becka dragged Karen into the bar. The sight which greeted them there was perhaps even more horrifying, more *wrong,* than the Dean who drove them to where they now stood.
In one corner, Miki was dancing a jig on top of table while Kozue attempted to stuff various bills down his pants. Behind Miki, a balding middle-aged heavyset man came down the stairs wearing Akio's pajamas. Following him came Darth Vader wearing Utena's panties on that oh-so-intimidating black helmet. The two men found Wakaba dealing kilos of God-knows-what, and they bought a few packages from her and went back upstairs. A flurry of white caught Karen's and Becka's attention, and they found Dios swinging upside-down from the ceiling fan… by his toes…
On the bar were Chuchu, two other monkey-mice, and a bright yellow object swimming laps in martinis. Chuchu was telling his life story to a sobbing man at the bar. In front of the bar wavered Utena, surrounded by a pile of Swords of Dios. At the center of the pile was Anthy, singing a slurred rendition of Kumbayah as she giggled and waved to the passing Dios…
"Kumbayah, oniishan, Kumbayah.
Kumbayah, oniishan, Kumbayah.
Kumbayah, oniishan, Kumbayah.
Oh, Oniishan, Kumbayah.
"Someone'sh dthrinkin' here, oniishan, Kumbayah.
We got a big party here, oniishan, Kumbayah."
"You wanna schthee a thrick? *hic*" Utena interrupted, but Anthy picked up without missing a beat,
"Oniishan, Kumbayah.
Oh, Oniishan, Kumbayah."
In fear, Becka and Karen retreated to the far corner of the bar, only to discover Tsuwabuki handing out his new invention -- something twice as potent as a Fireball. They backed away yet again, only to back into the DJ's table. Karen turned to apologize and found Saionji wearing a cowboy hat and boots and introducing his fellow Japanese students to such tunes as "Play that Funky Music, White Boy," which was a far cry from the Japanese technofunk and the French sonatas they were used to hearing. In sheer horror, Becka spun around to look at *anything* but what she already saw, while Karen drooled happily at Saionji's newfound taste in clothing.
Unfortunately, Karen could not stare blissfully at Saionji for long because Becka clawed her nails into Karen's shoulder with such a force that she could have drawn blood from her toenails. Karen winced in pain and turned around to see what Becka was so -- urgent -- about. Then she saw.
Nanami was sitting in a chair next to the stage, with her jaw all but dragging on the ground. Tsuwabuki continued to serve her virgin drinks, but she took no notice of him or the drinks. She was staring at her brother -- Touga -- pole dancing in front of her in an outfit he borrowed from one of the regulars. Juri was nearby trying to stuff wads of bills in his garter because she was so high that she mistook him for a female.
Becka swallowed a few times and attempted to address Akio. "Wha… wh… wh… wh-What did you *do*???"
Akio leaned over Becka and purred into her ear, "I decided to try something… creative." Karen, wide-eyed, reached for one of Tsuwabuki's drinks to help her cope with what she was seeing. Becka, on the other hand, got an idea. She whipped out a familiar Rose Seal writing tablet and began to circle the bar, not wanting to waste the opportunity to obtain most *special* tidbits of information from the cast…
Meanwhile, Karen attempted to drag Saionji back onto the dance floor while Akio introduced himself to Pipi, Kaka, and Pikachu. Before long, Becka returned to the counter with seven full notebooks, a small tape recorder, and two of Kozue' lemons. She grinned to herself and signaled Tsuwabuki to serve her something while she began to organize her findings:
The Songs We Now Associate With The Cast:
Akio : It's the End of the World- R.E.M.
: Grease Lightning
: Only the good die young- Billy Joel
: I want your sex- George Michael
Dios : Hands- Jewel
: He's got the whole world (in his hands)
: Kumbaya
: My Oh My- Aqua
Saionji : Pretty fly for a White Guy- Offspring
: I don't know why I go to extremes- Billy Joel
: Kung Foo Fighting
Juri : She's got issues- Offspring
: I kissed a girl- Jill Saboule
: Fly High Lesbian Seagull- Beavis and Butthead
Miki : Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen
: Twinkle twinkle little star
Anthy : I will survive- Whitney Huston
: The Rose
: MMMbop- Hanson
: Hit me baby one more time- Britany Spears
Touga : Know your chicken- Chibo Matto
: Happy Birthday, Mr. President
: Too Sexy (Aw, you know the one. "I'm too sexy for my shirt...")
Nanami : The Chicken Dance
: #1 crush- Garbage
The Student Council : We didn't start the fire- Billy Joel
Wakaba : Walking on Sunshine
Chuchu : Eat it- Weird Al
The Characters We Now Associate With The Cast:
Utena - Wesley from Princess Bride
- Scotty from Star Trek, the Original ("Captain, she can't give more!")
- Luke Skywalker, from Star Wars
- Sandy, from Grease
- One of the Lost Boys, from Peter Pan
- Lisa Simpson, from The Simpsons
Miki -Fezzik, from the Princess Bride
- Spock, from Star Trek, the Original
-R2D2, from Star Wars
- Doody, from Grease
- Fox Mulder, from The X-files (Instead of, 'My sister! My sister!' it's 'My shining thing! My shining thing!')
- Peter Pan from, well… Peter Pan
- Ned Flanders, from The Simpsons (Hide-ho, neighbor-onies)
- The Cat, from Red Dwarf (Why? The Cat's exact dialogue, in reference to a yoyo: "It's my shiny thing. You can't have my shiny thing.") Thanks to: Tanja.
Anthy - Buttercup, from the Princess Bride
- Uhura, from Star Trek, the Original
- Leia, from Star Wars
- Marty, from Grease
- Samantha, from The X-Files
- Wendy, from Peter Pan ('cause she gets ordered around a lot)
- Marge Simpson, from The Simpsons
Juri - Inigo Montoya, from the Princess Bride
- Dr. 'Bones' Macoy, from Star Trek, the Original
- C-3PO, from Star Wars
- Frenchy, from Grease
- Dana Scully, from The X-Files
Siaonji- Sulu, from Star Trek, the Original
- Boba Fett, from Star Wars
- Sonny, from Grease
- Captain Hook, from Peter Pan ('cause of the crocodile)
- Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons
- Dr. Frank n' Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Touga - Count Rougen, from the Princess Bride
- Captain James T. Kirk, from Star Trek, the Original
- Hans Solo, from Star Wars
- Danny, from Grease
- Skinner, from The X-Files
- The Indian Chief, from Peter Pan
- Bart Simpson, from The Simpsons
Akio - Vizzini, from the Princess Bride
- Lando, from Star Wars
- Kenickie, from Grease
- 'Cancer Man,' from The X-Files
- Mr. Burns, from The Simpsons
Chuchu- A tribble, from Star Trek, the Original
- Chewbacca, from Star Wars
- Jan, from Grease
- A package of sunflower seeds, from The X-Files
- The Crocodile, from Peter Pan
- Mr. Burns' Teddy Bear, from The Simpsons
Dios - Obi Wan Kenobi, from Star Wars
- Frankie Avalon, from Grease
- Maggie Simpson, from The Simpsons
Kozue- Rizzo, from Grease
- Tinkerbell, from Peter Pan
Nanami- Tiger Lily, from Peter Pan
Wakaba- Ned Flander's wife, from The Simpsons
The T.V Shows We Now Associate With The Cast:
Akio: Akio's all Game Channel (with late night infomercials)
- Jeopardy
- Wheel of Fortune
- The Price is Right
- The Game of Life
- Monopoly
- Scruples
- Dirty Minds
- Love Connection
Kozue: Kiss and Tell Kozue
Saionji: A commercial for 'The Slapper'
Touga: Talk to Touga
Anthy and Chuchu: A joint Home and Garden Network
Juri: Judge Juri… and executioner
Miki: Math with Miki
Nanami: Nanami's Ark (with Guest Star, Tsuwabuki, as Captain Kangaroo.)
The Pieces of Furniture We Now Associate With The Cast:
Akio: White Leather Couches
Juri: Long tables
Touga: Bed with pink sheets
Utena: Bar stool
Saionji: Furniture? He has furniture? When did this happen?
Anthy: Chest of Drawers
The Rooms We Now Associate With The Cast:
Anthy: Kitchen
Saionji: The Basement
Miki: The Chemistry Lab
Kozue: The Music Room
Utena: The Planetarium
Dios: Attic
Juri: The 'back-room'
Nanami: The Laundry Room
The Animals We Now Associate With The Cast:
Dios: Rabbits of Doom
Nanami: Anything that has a pulse
Akio: Anything that has a pulse
Touga: Kittens
Saionji: A Peacock
The Lists We Now Associate With The Cast (and will soon, if we have not already, write):
101 More Reasons why we love Touga
101 More Reasons why we hate Akio
101 Reasons why we want to be Utena
101 Reasons why Juri kicks ass
101 Reasons to click a Stop Watch
101 Reasons why Saionji is so pathetic
101 Reasons why we to be an Akio-car
101 Reasons why Dios deserves more Screen-time
101 Reasons why animals frequently attack Nanami
101 Reasons why a one word vocabulary can be useful
101 Reasons why we have chosen to waste out time in this manner
Karen has managed to steal Juri's lighter, and having plopped down on the ever-increasing pile of Swords of Dios, she lights it. She sways back and forth, holding the lighter above her head and humming to Anthy's serenade to her 'oniishan'.
After having compiled all of the creative information and safely tucking it away, Becka decides to demonstrate some of her mad skills…
As Anthy finally passes out, already in Utena's arms, Karen stops humming happily. She notes that this minor difficulty doesn't prevent Utena from continuing to draw out the 'Sword's of Dios. Karen looks down at her own chest, then back at Utena, "You know the routine. Touch chest. Get ass kicked." Some people just don't know when to give up… Shaking her head again, Ka-chan looks around for Becka, hoping that no harm has come to her.
Karen blinks, having had no trouble finding Becka, even in a crowd this large. Becka lounges on the stage that Touga is currently performing a strip tease on. Juri and Wakaba are attached to one of Becka's arms, and Karen's eyes widen as the person in question takes a slow drag on a white roll of… something. Becka hands the roll back to Juri, who in turn drags on it then passes it to Wakaba… who gets, needless to say, even more happy. Darth Vader is attached to Becka's other arm, along with his harem of females and the men of the bar. Miki is happily gurgling on Becka's leg, and Kozue is still trying to shove money into his pants. To Karen's further amazement, Becka hops down off the stage, leaving a very disappointed Juri behind. She grabs the nearest person, Saionji, and has a little 'hoe down' with him. After five minutes of this rigorous activity, Saionji winds up flat on his back, totally winded. Wakaba stands over him, a serene smile on her face. She offers a roll, demonstrating how to use properly. Soon the two of them are having fun making music. Karen settles herself in for a long night…
Karen's eyes open to the odd sensation of a coarse cloth being pulled over her arms. She wakens just in time to pull her mallet out of hammer-space and send Akio and his straitjacket into orbit. The sun rises. A rooster crows.
Wakaba turns to Saionji with a glare, "Would you stop doing that already…?"
Juri extracts herself from the mass of Darth Vader's scantily clad and newly ravished woman, joining Wakaba and the green-haired one.
Miki is sprawled, snoring politely atop the table where he had danced -all- night long. Kozue has draped herself across his body where his clothes should have been. She dangles several worms in front of his closed eyes, giggling continuously as she calls softly, "Oh Oniichan…"
The sun has risen, and the rooster still crows.
Wakaba stuffs a wad of discarded clothing down Saionji's throat, "Shut UP!"
Somewhere in the back room, Tsuwabuki is paying homage to the porcelain god.
A man, clad only in a pair of women's underwear, sidles over to Saionji, poking him, "Yo, dude… can I have my clothes back?"
Saionji chokes in agreement.
Utena is surround by a horde of gestating and multiplying men who demand that she wake Anthy up. Albeit that she is still able to extract the swords, it takes Anthy's speech to achieve the desired screw-ups. Utena hefts several swords, pointing then at the men. She grins wickedly, "You wanna' see a -new- trick?"
The men quickly disperse.
There is a loud, and not so dainty snoring, coming from the stage. Everyone looks over to see a profusely pleased Akio, draping Nanami in U.B.P.'s (Unidentifiable Bras and Panties). From the stage, Touga bends over and picks up the outfit he discarded earlier. He addresses Akio, "Hey… can I take this home?"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, four voices agree, "Pikachu."
A high pitched, yet manly scream erupts from a nearby table, and they see a flash of blue and peach streaking across the room, a mass of U.B.P.'s (Unidentifiable Buggy Parts).
Touga speaks again, "I -really- want to take this home. Is it breaking with school regulations too much is I wear this every day?"
Behind the bar, hidden from all, Becka uses a long stirrer to poke at the forgotten nose of Obi Wan Kenobi, "Yo, you… use the force dammit."
From behind her Darth Vader speaks, "If you insist…"
Becka quickly speeds in the direction whence Miki disappeared.
Darth Vader grins, having learned how to manipulate his helmet from Akio. He 'whoo-pers' on his gloves hand, rubbing where his nails would be proudly against his chest, "Still got it…"
Almost on impulse, he pulls out his light saber, turning it on with the trademark *snap-hiss.* As the gleam of red brightly illuminates the dim bar, there is a hoarse and haggard cry of, "MY SHINING THING."
Darth Vader, facer of demons, devils, and hordes of good guys, turn slowly, and fears.
