Date: 8/3/00 6:56:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From: Crysi and Kagedtiger

To: SilvVenom@aol.com, sparrowskit@hotmail.com

Two voices ring out during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. They should be by a wall, but they aren't, for fear of a breach of contract.

"Come on!" yells Kagedtiger, "PLEASE!"

"NO," Crysi enunciates very clearly. She waves her croquet mallet threateningly and glares at Kagedtiger. "Do your worst, I'm not going back there again."

"I'll tell Touga-"

"Not this time!" Crysi crosses her arms and frowns. "I'm not falling for that again. Unless you've forgotten, the *last* time I listened to you, Hippie Chick made us look like heretics!" She falls to her knees, sobbing. "PURPLE I TELL YOU! IT'S PURPLE!"

Kagedtiger pats her on the shoulder. "We know. Everyone with any sense knows." The girl pauses briefly to reminicse on the episode with Hippie Chick. "But Hippie Chick isn't with us this time. She's at a 'Beatles' Lovers Anonymous' meeting."

"They have meetings to help each other get over the Beatles?"

"No!" Kagedtiger swats Crysi on the head with her flyswatter. "They have meetings where they worship pictures of the Beatles and play their albums."

She grins. "So let's go!"

Crysi frowns. "Go...Dios no! I will NOT go back to a place where Akio could be lurking around any corner!"

"EVERY corner..." Kagedtiger corrects absently.

Crysi shudders and begins to walk away but Kagedtiger grabs onto her arm.

"But I want to show Karen and Becka our list!"

Crysi knocks Kagedtiger off with her croquet mallet. "You can't even find it. It's lost in Hammerspace remember?"

"I'm sure I could find it if I looked hard enough." Kagedtiger fixes Crysi with Big Puppy-Dog Eyes (TM).

Crysi winces and mutters, "Not fair..." She pouts and says, "Why don't you just go by yourself?"

"It's no fun without you. Come on. PLEASE!"

Crysi, having recovered from the Big Puppy-Dog Eyes (TM), shakes her head. "You can't make me go and that's that!"

"Wanna bet?" Crysi's eyes go wide as Kagedtiger whips out a cell phone and dials a number. "Hey, Akio-car? Yeah, Kagedtiger here, hey listen, Crysi says she'll dump you if you don't give us a ride to Ohtori Academy right away."

The two girls are immediately swept away by a red blur. "I'll get you for this," Crysi mumbles menacingly.

The car screeches to a halt in front of the fountain and the two girls stare at the scene of utter chaos before them. Nanami, as per the norm, is being chased by a ferret, a kangaroo, a horse (Tswabuki fell off a few miles back), Chuchu who is holding an octupus balloon which is covered in snails and a banner that says "Chibi Hunters Inc., We hunt them so you don't have to.", a cow, several rampaging elephants, and half of the multiplying and gestating Rabbits of Doom. (One of which at the back of the line is discussing who gets which countries after the world is taken over with one of the Fuzzy Purple Sandles of Doom (TM).)

In addition, the entire cast of Utena (sans Akio) are riding around in circles in their custom made cars in ballet-like perfection, until Saionji deems it necessary to slap the Anthy-doll, Miki has to click his stopwatch, Anthy has to avoid a helpless animal, the three guys decide they all want to drive *now*, Dios forgets to tell Tsuwabuki to turn, Utena gets back from the Days Inn, Wakaba gets distracted by a penguin, and Touga has to answer a third cell phone. The resulting multi-car pile up creates a fascinating, if burning and chaotic, centerpeice in the Othori Academy grounds, and gives the nameless students of the Academy an(other) excuse to run around screaming.

Kagedtiger waves over a frantic Karen. "Hey, what's going on?"

Karen looks about nervously. "Well, Akio's running amock. He gained access to a straightjacket factory somewhere, and he's bent on capturing everybody and making use of his new stock. We're all trying to avoid getting captured." Karen turns around, in a movement to continue fleeing, when she bumps into something solid. Something solid in a *manly* sort of way.

"Eep!"

"Why hello there." Akio flashes what would be a knee-melting smile, except that these girls have built up a particular immunity to Akio's brand of such smiles. He produces a straightjacket and grabs Karen by the arm.

"Stop!" Kagedtiger steps forward. "This has gone on long enough."

Akio glances down at the quite tiny 13-year-old and snickers. "Yeah, Really?"

Kagedtiger loses no confidence whatsoever. Crysi goes very pale as she realizes that Kagedtiger intends to use her 'Fool-Proof' plan. She turns to run, then shrugs. 'Oh well,' she thinks, 'it's her life on the line, not mine.'

Kagedtiger raises her flyswatter to Akio. "Crysi hereby challenges you to a duel."

"What?!" screeches Crysi. She tries to run away, but Akio grins and grabs her by the arm.

Kagedtiger continues, "If she wins, you have to let everybody go and burn *all* of your straightjackets."

Akio shoots an extra-strength knee-melting smile straight at Crysi and she tries to refreeze her knees so she can run. "And if I win...?" he queries.

"You get Crysi."

Crysi manages to refreeze her knees at this and glares at Kagedtiger. "Thanks. Thanks a lot."

"Don't worry," Kagedtiger flashes an Oh-So-Psychotic Grin (TM) at Crysi. "Just use the fool-proof plan."

Crysi whacks Kagedtiger on the head with her croquet mallet."That's two I have to get you back for." She shakes off Akio and trudges wearily toward the arena. Karen follows, eager to see if there really is a way to defeat Akio.

When they reach the top, they observe a large pile of straightjacket-clad hostages. Kagedtiger walks over to where she sees a spatula sticking out from underneath the body of a rather battered and bruised leather jacket clad man with a computer, a pink monkey-mouse (a cousin of Chu Chu's), a Bespectacled Bishounen Hunter in a sailor fuku, a rabbit-eared figure in Sailor fuku backlit by several radioactive rapidly gestating and multiplying Rabbits of Doom, a 5'11" girl on a horse wearing a shirt with a snake on it, a brunette girl who is no longer sick, but still has the Sailor Senshi in tow, and the crew of the USS Nobel Peace Prize. She grabs onto the spatula and pulls Becka out from beneath the aforementioned pile.

Meanwhile, Crysi and Akio have started their duel.

After helping Becka out of her straightjacket, Kagedtiger proceeds to rummage through hammerspace, throwing items out behind her. "Hmmm, let's see, Pocket Bishounen trainers badge with the 'I caught Touga' sign, no. Pokeball, no. Digivice, no. Chuchu, nope. Hippie Chick's bashing guitar, no. Picture of Touga, not now. Finals study guide, heck no. Masumune, buster sword, gunsword, don't need those. 'Moo!' so that's where the cow came from. Picture of Touga, later. Anorankh, no. Sailor Moon wand, Dios! She's always losing this thing. Moorish-Dutch sword, no. Moorish-Dutch hand, no. Rather Bruised and Battered Leather-Jacket-Clad man? I thought you were in the pile! Oh well. Another picture of Touga, I really have to get around to sorting these. Violin and conducter's wand, *snicker*. Large, Polka-dot Filing Cabinet of Infinity (TM), no, though I'll probably need it later. Small, toy penguin with bowtie, no. Aha!" She triumphantly pulls a list out of hammerspace and displays it proudly. "This is a list of cute typing errors we have made while typing fanletters to you. As with all our things, for maximum efficiency, read out loud. Ahem:

Karen and Becka: Baren and Kecka

Karen: Banren

Becka: Pecka

Juri: Juro

red: erd

e-mail: e-amil

the: ht e

breast (as in left breast pocket you perverts!): bresty


two girls: who girls

who grils


off: ofv

ovv

ovf


special: speciat

mouths: moughths

strangly: starangely


who: wo

whe

whw

whr

wha (all these one after another too)


looks: looka

check: chrck

extreme: extremem

John: Johm

hair: hiart

mumbles: mubles"

Akio is just about to swipe the rose off of Crysi's chest, when she produces a Chibi Utena out of hammerspace and holds it in front of her.

"You wouldn't hurt a Chibi, would you?"

Akio frowns and thinks for a moment as Crysi sweatdorps, then leans forward and grabs the ultra-cute Chibi. "Awwwww."

Crysi seizes the opportunity and cuts the rose from Akio's chest. "Aha! It worked. Thank Dios the one plan of Kagedtiger's that works was this one." She starts to jump up and down, but holds onto her rose to keep it on her chest. "I won! IwonIwonIwonIwonIwon!" She breaks out into song, much to the dismay of everyone.


No Dean- by Kagedtiger, sung by Crysi (To the tune of TLC's 'No Scrubs')

Akio's a guy who thinks he's fly, and is

also known as "the horror"

always gets just what he wants

and just keeps them in straightjackets


No, I don't want to eep now

No, I don't want to ride in your car, and

No, I don't want to see "The Ends"

No, I don't want to go that far, and No


Chorus: (x2)

I don't want the Dean

Akio's a guy who won't manipulate me

hanging out the passenger side

of his creepy ride,

tryin' straightjackets on me


Akio tried to get me

thinkin' I was weak

But now he cannot approach me

'Cause when he wasn't lookin' fast

I beat his little ass

By cutting the rose of his chest, So


No, I don't want to eep now

No, I don't want to ride in your car, and

No, I don't want to see "The Ends"

No, I don't want to go that far, No


Chorus (x2)


He has a car

and it's alive

Akio, I'm talkin' 'bout you


He's got 'em all, even

Touga

Akio, I'm talkin' 'bout you


You have straightjackets

and use 'em

Akio, I'm talkin' 'bout you


Can't guarantee

that he won't get me

Oh no, he's found me


No-o, Aki-o

No-o, Aki-o

No, no

No-o, Aki-o

No-o, no, no-no

No-o, Aki-o

No, no


Chorus (x8), fade out


Crysi calls out to Kagedtiger again, "Hey, Kagedtiger, your plan worked for once!"

Kagedtiger, who has just finished reading the list to Karen and Becka, turns toward her. "See? What did I tell you?"

"Hey, did you read them the Baren and Kecka thing?" asks Crysi. "If you didn't try to type so fast..."

Kagedtiger frowns at her. "Hey, the Baren and Kecka thing was your fault!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

*swat*

"Oww, hey! Well anyway, it *was* funny."

Kagedtiger grins an Evil Grin (TM). She starts chanting "Baren and Kecka, Baren and Kecka, Baren and Kecka, Baren and Kecka....."

Baren and- er Karen and Becka glare at Kagedtiger until she falls silent. The four glance over to where the defeated Akio, still clutching the Chibi, is gloomily freeing the last of the hostages.

Crysi whistles for the Akio-car. "Let's go before he remembers that he's not an honorable guy and doesn't *need* to keep his deals."

"That's probably a good idea" agrees Kagedtiger, "I guess we'll be going." She turns to Baren and-eheh Karen and Becka. "Maybe next time we'll tell you about the pokemon soap opera we're writing. 'Till next time!"

The two visitors hop into the Akio-car and drive off. How this is done from the dueling arena is unknown even to them, but it probably involves the elevator in some way, and no, the chick speech will not be recited here. In english anyway.


The Chick Speech. In Czech:

"Pokud se kure nevyklube ze své skorapky zemre ani by se narodilo. My jsme kuretem a svìt je naše vejce. Kdy nerozbijeme skorapku svého svìta zemreme bez skute ného zrození. Rozbij skorepinu svìta za svìtovou revoluci."


Karen and Becka glance at each other, horrified.

"Pokemon soap opera?"

"I don't want to know."