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Send feedback!Disclaimer and Other Crap: I don’t own the Lord of the Rings, Orlando Bloom, Elijah Wood, Sugar Ray or Toys’R’Us. But if I did I’d be one happy person…Anyways just as a warning there’s an occasional cuss word in here.
I decided to work with yet another new format. This ones made up of answering machine messages and “beep!” means that the answering machine message thingy is over.
Answer the Phone
By Animefanficgrl
Answer the phone, I know that you're home
I wanna get you alone, and do it again, do it again
Answer the phone, I know that you're home
I wanna get you alone, and do it again, do it again-“Answer the Phone” Sugar Ray
“Hey it’s Elijah. I’m not home right now. So please leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks.”
Beep!
“Hey Lij, it’s me Orlando. Damn kid, you’ve got to work on a new answering machine thingy. ‘I’m not hope right now so please leave me a message?’ and then saying thank you at the end? Come on! You have to be more assertive. Don’t just go pleading for their message. Demand them to leave a message! Demand them to leave a name and number! Better yet make them call you back! Why should you waste your precious time dialing their number and waiting for them to answer the phone?!?
…anyways call me back. Yeah, I know sounds hypocritical. But it’s an emergency. I mean it’s really important. See ya.”
***
“Elijah here. Just leave a fucking message! Or better yet call me back later! I don’t need your damn message and chances are I won’t call you back anyway…unless of course you’re my mommy. Ok so thanks. Wait, why should I thank you? What if you’re just wasting me time? Then should I really be thanking you?
Oh and Orli. Stop calling me and claiming that there’s some sort of emergency. So what if you couldn’t find that stupid Legolas action figure at Toys’R’Us. I found Frodo there and apparently they’ve been selling like hotcakes! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Did that sound assertive enough Orlando?”
Beep!
“Yeah, it’s Orlando. Elijah…Elijah…Elijah I said to be assertive not all pissed off like that. You sound like Liv during that time of month. Just try being nice. And it was an emergency! Do you know what it’s like not seeing your beloved action figure on the shelves? Feeling like a failure because just when you finally get your own toy they snatch it away from you just like that? Oh the shame! The horror!
Anyways it turns out that the reason Leggy wasn’t there was because they were sold out! Sold out! Ya hear that? So ha!
By the way I brought a Frodo action figure. It’s so cute!”
***
“Hi! I’m so glad you took the time out to call me. I apologize for not being able to answer your phone call. I’m sure it was very important, unless of course you’re Orlando Bloom who leaves nothing but retarded messages. But still your call is important to me and you’re important to me. So leave a message. Thank you ever so much. By the way this is Elijah. You know just in case you’ve dialed the wrong number. But even if you did feel free to also leave me a message.”
Beep!
“I’m not even going to comment on that….wait I am going to comment. You pansy! That practically reeked strawberry short cakeyness. As in strawberry short cake being all sweet and sugar coated…just in case you didn’t get that. And I do not leave retarded messages!
I finally found a Legolas action figure that’s managed to escape the hands of my many, MANY fans. I must say it looks almost as handsome as I do in the movie.”
***
*Random Marilyn Manson music is heard* How’s that for unshort cakeyness, Orlando!?!”
Beep!
*Incoherent groans*
***
“Hey. Orlando Bloom here, the attractive man that plays Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Actually you probably think you’ve got the wrong number now, but really this is Elijah Wood’s number. I just thought I’d do the little answering machine greeting thingamajig for him, seeing as how he’s failed miserably with it in the past.”
“Hi, Orli. Whatcha doing?”
“Nu-nothing.” *panicked shuffling heard*
“You’re messing with my answering machine aren’t you?!?”
“Wha-what? I-I’d never do that Elijah. It’s not my fault the shit you leave on your answering machine sucks!”
“Why you little…”
*Insert the sound of scuffling, punches thrown and random hair pulling here.*
Beep!
“Elijah, my little honeycakes, it’s your mother. Are you ok sweetheart? Are you having any problems? I’m rather worried right now. I think you’ve been away from home much too long. So call me back. I love you!”
***
“Hah! Hah! Hah! *in a falsetto voice* Oooooh my sweet little Eliiijah…I’m so worried about my precious little honeycakes….”
“Fuck off!”
“Make me! Or do you need your mommy to leave you another message first!”
“Leave my mother alone! It’s not my fault yo momma was so fat that when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!”
“Well yo momma’s so fat that when she stepped on a scale it said ‘to be continued’!”
“Wait…what’s that? Orli you idiot! The answering machine is recording this entire thing!”
“Crap….”
Beep!
“….uhh….Orlando?…Elijah?...It’s Dominic…Are you guys ok?”
***
“Orlando, what’s happened to us? We were the best of friends and now this? We’ve been fighting so much lately about some stupid answering machine.”
“I’m so sorry Elijah. I didn’t mean to give you all that crap. You’re not a pansy! I’m sorry for calling you that. Pansies aren’t bad anyway. They’re very, very beautiful little flowers.”
“Ohhh Orli, I’m sorry too! I’m sorry for taking this whole thing way too seriously. And I didn’t mean to call you an arrogant bastard who’s obsessed with himself and thinks he’s God’s gift to women.”
“You never called me that…”
“Oh yeah. That’s what I called you behind your back. Never mind. Anyway Orli you’re like the bestest friend I’ve ever had, you know like my big brother. I know you were only looking out for me.”
“Aww…You’re my best friend too.”
*insert sobbing, sniffling and much hugging, even if you really can’t hear the latter*
Beep!
“….Uhh. Wait, forget it. Bye.”
***
“Leave a message.”
Beep!
“Lij, I think we finally got the answering machine message down now…”
