The Gangrene Gazette The Official Newspaper of Darkside/Gangrene!

Mitch Jackson to replace Wes Borland in Limp Bizkit

For months now, ever since Wes Borland quit Limp Bizkit, people have been asking, "Who will replace him?" Well, now you know. Mitchell Jackson has replaced Mr. Borland. He was hired on Tuesday the 26th. Fred Durst saw Mitch Jackson opening for Green Day at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Says Durst, "I was blown away by Mitch's electric relationship with his guitar, which he calls Bertha. I couldn't believe my eyes. I offered him the job immediately." And Jackson didn't hesitate for a second. "I've always loved playing the guitar. And I've love Limp Bizkit from the very start. My favorite Bizkit song is "Devil without a Cause". And now people will know just how good I am. Move over Jimi Hendrix, there's a new kid on the block, and his name is Action!"

Mitch is scheduled to appear on Limp Bizkits forthcoming album, The Peanut Butter Plan.

Harriet Tubman Competes in 1st Annual Marshmallow Baking Contest

The first annual marshmallow baking contest is underway! And leading this year's pack . . . Harriet Tubman! "I've always loved making marshmallows," says Harriet, "Ever since I was a little child. Oh, the memories." We're certainly looking forward to the competition. It takes place in Custer, South Dakota. Says Harriet: "South Dakota is a great place to make marshmallows. Out there with Momma Nature . . ." There are over 500 other competitors, but the most difficult to beat, according to Tubman, is Martha Stewart. "Martha is a nice girl, but when it comes to baking marshmallows, I'm the cream of the crop!"

We'll see what happens when the 1st Annual Marshmallow Baking Contest takes place in Custer, South Dakota, on May 11 and 12. Oh, did we mention the Grand Prize Winner gets $1,000,000,000 as well as six two-hundred-pound drums full of marshmallow mix? Well, it just so happens that the Grand Prize Winner gets $1,000,000,000 as well as six two-hundred-pound drums full of marshmallow mix!

The Results Are In! Tubman Beats All in Marshmallow Contest!

You've been wondering for weeks now: Who won the marshmallow baking contest in Custer, South Dakota? Was Martha Stewart up to her sly tricks again, or did honesty prevail with Harriet Tubman? Well, now you've got the answer in an exclusive Darkside/Gangrene report. Tubman won the contest by a long shot!

In the first round, Tubman was leading the pack with 13 fresh pounds of marshmallow, but Stewart "accidentally" tripped and knocked over the pan, causing poor old Harriet to start over. Stewart was apprehended and taken away. She was questioned later that evening, and is now looking at a maximum of the death penalty and a minimum of 35 years in prison. Her court date is set to take place in one week. Look for that story here next Friday, May 24th.

But now back to the real story. Tubman was falling behind, but made a dramatic comeback in the last round, and just barely beat out Emeril Lagasse by a single pan. "I was heartbroken", said Emeril.

We asked Harriet if she will ever bake again, or is she going to hang up her apron for good. "I don't know what the future has in store for me. I'll just take it one day at a time."

So will we.

If anyone is to see this particular line this summer and tell John Jensen that they have seen it they will be rewarded with an unlimited suprise of ho-ho's.

Martha Stewart to die by lethal injection

The verdict is in. Martha Murphy Stewart was sentenced to death yesterday. She will be killed on July 4.

The punishment is from her incident at the marshmallow baking contest when she knocked Harriet Tubman's pan of baking mix over. "I'd kill her myself," says Harriet, "But those are not the ways of the Railroad."

There is nothing more to say. Stewart was a national icon, but she destroyed her lovely image and was exposed for the lying, stealing, no-good whore that she is.