It was here...the field of forgotten memories on which I now stand. My mind is at ease, waiting for the memories to erupt and restore my life as whole. Dr. Chang at the institute had always told me that only I could defeat the demons that haunt me.
"You will know the key to unlock your past when you see it," he said.
It was now. I am walking down a familiar, yet unknown, dirt road. The smell of the fungus and wet leaves beneath the dogwood trees penetrates my nostrils...an un-Godly stench that sparks a chill up my spine. The color of the clay under my feet as I walk this deserted lane unnerves me; a bloody orange tint of Earth that scalds my eyes. The Spanish moss hangs from every cypress and oak tree forming curtains that block most of the sunlight from this mystical corridor. The breeze blows the moist heat of the afternoon sun. The moss occasionally brushes across my face like spiderwebs in a dark doorway. I find myself utterly terrified, and I want to turn back.
I reach a clearing of sorts on the side of the old road. It may have been a resting-place for weary travelers at one time, but it was obvious that no one had stopped here in quite sometime by the thick underbrush and stack of wet and decaying leaves that lay in the center of the plot.
From the corner of my eye, I see a very old oak tree, probably one of God's original creations. It's branches swing low...only inches off of the ground in spots with moss strung from the top of the tree to the forest floor. It is quite spooky, but has a sense of wisdom to it...like it knows what happened years ago. I see carvings on the back of the tree as I walk around it, but the bark has almost grown completely over them, as to hide a record of time. Below the tree are several large rocks that appear to have been placed there on purpose...perhaps as chairs. It is certain that they have not been sat upon in a long time because ground moss covers half of them, green and gray hues cascading over the tops of the rocks with tiny water droplets clinging fiercely to the moss. This pungent smell of damp decay is making my stomach uneasy, and I am growing dizzy.
The dirt road seems to lead right to it. Just a few hundred yards from the clearing, I begin to see the house through the trees in front of me. Bit by bit, the shell of this decrepit old mansion comes into view as I follow the road. Strange feelings are churning inside of me. I feel I have been here before; I feel I belong here; I feel I should stay away.
The windows are half covered with tattered curtains...a dingy gray, almost ghostly in appearance. I am once again reminded of my fright as I stare at the house. I suddenly feel myself being drawn to the house as if I have lost control of my own movement. Everything is so familiar. I must have been here before. Why can't I remember? My steps are getting longer and quicker. I try to slow my pace so that I can remember the significance of this horrid place. Finally, I gain control of my muscles and tense them enough to stop my unwilling advance.
Tunnels of fog creep towards me from the corners of the old building, hugging the ground as if to escape my line of sight. Chills rush through my body, filling my mind with hysteria. I look up at the old mansion and feel faint. Now in those dirty, old, broken windows are people...gory, decaying, masses of flesh beckoning me to enter the house, and starring idly into my eyes as I stand there motionless. I know I must answer their call if I am to find my whole self, but I cannot...I am frozen in fear. The ghouls continue their haunting chants, calling me.
"Johnny! ... Johnny! Wake up! It's time for your medicine." It is a familiar voice in the distance calling me back. Suddenly everything is bright, a blinding white. I am in a room, lying on my back, and looking at the ceiling. It's so bright! I cannot focus my eyes. I try to move my arms, but they are numb. I look towards my feet to see what has me bound. Oh my God! Reality sets in again as I see the straight-jacket that is holding me prisoner on the floor of my room...walls covered in white padding. I hate this place! Dr. Chang steps through the doorway of my room and slams it behind him, as if I could run to escape…a much nicer face than those that were in the windows, though. The good doctor lets one arm loose. Oh how good it feels. "A quick prick, and the pain will be gone, Johnny," laughed Dr. Chang. He should be glad that he is on the other side of that needle, for if the tables were turned it would certainly be to my satisfaction. I can feel the icy fluid slowly engulf my body...tingling my skin, and quickening my breath. The room fades as my eyes focus on the blank spots in my mind.
"Johnny! Johnny! Wake up! It's time to eat and take your medicine." It was Dr. Chang again. Why must he keep bothering me? It only hinders me from my search. "Eat quickly! We have an appointment this afternoon, remember," he exclaimed tauntingly. I hate it when he does that. If he only knew the horrible thoughts that I have kept hidden about the things that I would enjoy doing to him, he would be more accommodating with me.
It is now late afternoon as I sit alone in the hall outside Dr. Chang's office, waiting for him to return for our appointment. The old building has a sort of luster to it. The hardwood pine floor gleams in the setting sunlight, almost blinding. I wish that the doc would have this damn straightjacket removed. It is so uncomfortable. He says that it is for my protection, mostly during my haunting dreams. I am not sure I totally believe him, though. He tends to exaggerate events to suit his own needs at times. I think he is more afraid of what I might do if I could reach out and grab him.
I hear footsteps clogging up the old rickety stairs. I can smell him in the air...his distinct doctor odor growing stronger in the corridor. I can see the top of his bald little head gleaming in the sunlight. I swear he must polish it to make it shine the way it does. He is carrying the novel that they call my medical file...truly just a tool the doctors use to keep me here. "Are you ready, Johnny? Time is wasting, and I'm going to be late for dinner again," the good doctor said sharply.
Inside the office, there are two cherry-finished armchairs in front of his matching desk. A black, leather, overstuffed couch sits on the left side of the room. It reminds me more of a public library with all of the books on the walls.
"Sit down, Johnny! Anywhere you'd like. Would you like to tell me how your dreams are progressing?" Progressing he says! He should endure the horror that I do everytime I close my eyes. Progression would not be a top priority to him; it would be how to stay awake...how to escape his drug inflicted hell.
"The dreams are still there, if that is what you want to know, Doctor," I said smugly. I decided to ask him about the old house that was in my dream earlier in the day. He might actually know something about the place and the people that were in the windows. As long as I had discovered it first, he would tell me what he knew. Maybe the bastard even knows where the place is. One thing was for certain, if I said or asked nothing, I would be thrown back into my room and injected with more medication...left to suffer through my nightmares again.
"Doc, I had a very interesting dream this morning," I said softly just to see if he was really paying attention to me. He looked up at me with an expression of "well get on with it" written all over his face. He fumbled through the papers in my file, reviewing his notes from our last visit, I suppose. I went on to tell him about the old house and the dead people in the windows. I noticed as I spoke to him that he really was paying attention to me...frequently nodding, grimacing, lifting his eyebrows, and so forth.
"You have found an important key to unlock your memory of what happened to you twenty years ago," he said as he peered over my file...looking me in the face for the first time since I sat down in his office. "It is time I tell you why you are here, Johnny. I feel that I must tell you before the shock hits you from your returning memory."
I listened intently with sweat rolling down my sides under the tight jacket. I will soon be set free from the demons that haunt me, I thought to myself. The good doctor turned to the beginning of my novel and began to tell me what he knew.
"Twenty years ago, you were brought to us by the authorities. A young, hysterical, wretch of a man you were. They said that you would need much evaluation and treatment. A group of escaped convicts had been plundering through the old house, your great-grandmother's house, when they were interrupted by your family’s return. Having no time to get out of the house, they hid in different rooms. Your Father spotted one of the men. The other convicts came to their buddy’s aid as your Father tried to restrain him. To make the rest of the story short and less painful, Johnny, your entire family suffered horrible deaths. They were decapitated, dismembered, and partially burned. The bodies were so distorted and mangled that it took he coroner two weeks to piece them back together."
I am having a hard time believing what he has told me. I sit here in awe, trying to process this information. It brings the shakes back to my body. The rage is brewing inside of me again. I can no longer hold the pain inside. I am shouting, screaming and my body is out of control. I feel the pressure of other people grabbing me and pushing me to the floor. If I could only get loose! I want to be free! My arm is twisted, still restrained by the straightjacket, and I feel the intense pain of a needle penetrate my arm. The icy-hot fluid once again ravishes my body, numbing it as it travels throughout. My mouth becomes numb and soundless. My body falls limp as the room fades again. I am once again alone with Myself.
I continue with my trek before the sun begins to set. As I turn back to the road, I see the roof of what appears to be a house through the tops of the trees in front of me. Could this be a clue to my past? I must find out.
"When the authorities got there, they found you crouched in the bushes at a clearing just a few hundred yards from the old house in a state of shock. You were brought here for treatment in hopes that you could help recount what happened that afternoon. The bodies you saw in the windows were your family. Now you must begin to heal, Johnny, so that you can live a normal life again."
