~*~Past Entries Part 3~*~

Chapter 150,I Wanna Runaway&Never Say G'by 7/16/2001

Thanks for all the supporting notes you guys left last night..... I was close to doin it, so close, but I started crying and I thought of Mike, thought of my friends, thought of my mom......thought, my life is worth nothing, but it's worth something when the people around you have problems too and they need you.....I'm only worth that to them, I'm worth nothing else.....so as soon as everyone's figured out there life, and I'm old enough that no one cares, I'll leave this earth then, but for now my mom needs me, mike needs me..... I want to make sure they're ok before I go.... My dad is constantly bugging me about returning to california, and I'm not sure it's such a good idea, I mean, I'm scared.... thank God I have Sarah coming with me though, I'd be more scared without her.... I sent Mike another e-mail today, just a few words, not a long e-mail, short and sweet, "I miss you, I hope you're doing alright, *hugs* Love, Shannon" I couldn't bring myself to writing another long e-mail and getting no reply cos his family keeps him so far away from me..... well, I stopped the cutting thing, I just gotta not start again.... It's so hard, I mean I remember writing about it a long time ago, cutting along my arms, but then my legs so no one could see the scars.... today I almost started again as a piece of paper slashed through my skin, I almost wanted to.....to try it again.....but I'm not, no, no I'm not..... I gotta live, gotta stay strong for my mom, gotta be there for mike, gotta....gotta stay alive, omg, I don't know what to do anymore.....

Chapter 149, The Virgin Suicides 7/15/2001

I just finished watching the best movie of all time, "The Firvin Suicides." I wanted to cry, but my mom n' bro were there, n' i gotta be all tuff shannon for em...... It's so sad how so many people just wanna die, even sadder is that I wanna die.....it's so sad that those boys loved those girls so much, and to say goodbye, the girls had the guys come over when they all died.... no one understood them, no one truly understands me, even I don't understand me....I don't know who I am, what my purpose is, and why no one truly loves me, I mean head over heals for me.... I don't know about anyone else, but I'd die for everyone I know, well, everyone except brander....ick.... anyways, I know I'd die for my bf, I just wished that maybe....I dunno we were like in love like those movies, but, this is real life, this is no movie.....unless this is like the truman show, but I don't know...I'm listening to some of the music from the movie, it's making me so sad.....and Sarah, since you are the only one who knows about my diary, promise me, if I were ever to do something stupid, please give this to my mom, and my other friends......I want them to know, not to wonder, what actually caused my death..... I'm not sayin that I'll die for sure, I mean, look, I'm too chicken! lol, but if it ever came to that being my last option, might as well go out with something to remember me by.....but no one'd really care anyway..... my life is now focused on worrying about Mike, and why he has to hurt so much....I don't mind coming last in his life's list of things to do, I just watch over him and hope he'll be alright....I want to hold him, tell him everything'll be alright....but he's so far away....I'm off to bed.....mayybe I'll see you in the morning....

Chapter 148, Theme, Embarassing Moments 7/15/2001

Everyday I do something extremely embarassing, and I've done soooooo many.....I tend to do these embarrassing things in front of guys.....I think the most embarassing things i've done is well, fart, in front of my bf! LOL!!! omg, I couldn't look at him for 30m min, I kept the pillow over my face while everyone in the room laughed......omg I wanted to die!!! another embarassing thing I've done is well, I tried to kiss my bf g'bye on the cheek, n' my nose hits him before the kiss, I'm so stupid!!! omg..... I always manage to have everyone laughing at me in the end, cos well, I'm the idiot of the group.....everyone just expects me to do something stupid, and when I do, it's a joke for everyone......ah well, that's my status, and I can't control other peoples thoughts.....

Chapter 147, I Worry About Him So Much..... 7/14/2001

Is it healthy to worry about the one you love so much? I talk with him about his dad, and to see him hurting, it hurts me like a ton of bricks fell on my heart....last night I talked with mike and about his dad, he's never really opened up like this before, and I just started crying because Iw as at a loss of words.....normally I'm really good with advice, normally I can gte people through what they're going through, but those are people I don't know.....those poeple I meet through TOD and ICQ, but Mike, I love him so much, that it seems no words I say can make it right.....I told him if he needed anything he could ask me and I would be right over with a helping hand.....his dad, sick with cancer, and his mom, stressed with the thought of losing him, and mike, dragged down by everything he is told has to spend 24/7 with his father, who I think is a very kind man.....i met him, and he seemed like the perfect father, I normally look for those cos mine's gone....but because of the pills and cancer treatments, he's turned bad, n' hurts mike's mom, and mike, and most likely the other children, that are just the sweetest kids....I screamed at my mom for an hour or so to see how mike's mom is, and she acused me in the worst way saying I just wanted to find an excuse to see mike....she thinks I'm this evil person manipulative always trying to get my way, and she accuses me of the worst all the time....I worry about mike and his whole family, and I just want to protect them all under some magic blanket or something.....I wanna cure cancer, want mike to be happy again......I swear, i'd give up my life to see mike happy again......if it meant that I'd have to die for mike's dad to live, I'd do it......what am I going to do? I worry about him, day and night, and to see his face with worry or sadness, it breaks my heart....and when my PMS kicks in, it makes me a bad person thinking that he doesn't like me, that the world hates me, and I rambleon and on in my diary about how he doens't love me, and meanwhile all he's trying to do is get his life straightened out....I gotta understand that well, I will come 2nd or 3rd in this situation, and I'll do whatever it takes to make him happy again......

CHAPTER 146 IS JUST PAST E-MAILS FROM MIKE, DID NOT NEED TO PASTE IT

Chapter 145, If Only...*sob* 7/12/2001

I was readin this and got really sad.....I know I'm happy deep down because yesterday was my years anniversary with Mike, but still, I was looking through this and thinking about my friends' bfs, and well....we've never been really close him and I....is it cos we have such young minds? or is it cos he says he doesn't know what love is, cos his parents fought in the past....or is it cos I'venever seen my parents express their love to eachother, and only my dad to some other woman? maybe it's cos I'm I'm afraid to trust him, and he's afraid to let me into his life.....I don't know.....maybe it's me, my looks, maybe I'm not good enough, and I'm just back up till he finds the pretty girl of his dreams.....but as he held me that night in the car, I could here him breathing, then his gorgeous voice singing, well, I don't know if he can sing, but hehe, I love him so much that his voice was like an angel at that point in time.....I giggled, and lay back, tilting my head so he could rest his head on mine.......I just read these and see what i'm missing out on, but maybe we have a different kind of love, a deeper love maybe.... What a boyfriend SHOULD do! Put your arms around her waist and whisper in her ears. <3 Kiss her every chance you get. <3 Hold her close when she's cold. <3 When you are alone hold her close and kiss her. <3 Kiss her on the tip of her nose (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss <3 While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder...... then lean in and tilt her chin and kiss her lightly. <3 When she complains that her neck/shoulders hurts massage it for her. <3 When people diss her stand up for her. <3 Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. <3 Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart. Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you

Something that I hafta say is just so true! 7/12/2001

I was sent this a long time ago n' thought, damn this is true! but sadly I deleted it, but now, thanx to modern technology, someone else had it on their diary! WAHOOOO! I found it again! and ya know what? it's true! I just gotta find out if mike's is true, his is Virrrrrgo, heheheehe, I rolled the rrr's, hehehe, meow! HAHA! Aries: Your kisses are quick and passionate fits of lustful pleasure that are there and then gone. Taurus: Your kisses linger; they are deliberate, heartfelt and they can go on and on and on… (yep thats me!) ;)~ Gemini: Your kisses are interrupted by spasms of giggles, smiles and funny observations. Cancer: Your kisses are warm and tender, and you never want to let them go. Leo: Your kisses are wild and uninhibited, biting and clawing; you expect applause for your performance. Virgo: Your kisses are so subtle and tidy, your lover only notices them once you've finished. Libra: You're too busy worrying about your breath to really get into your kisses. Scorpio: You skip the kiss and get to straight to ;)whatever comes next for you. Sagittarius: Your kisses are surprising, spontaneous affairs that leave the kissed wanting more. Capricorn: Your kisses are intense moments of sublime relief from the stress of your day. Aquarius: Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open. Pisces: Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open

Chapter 144, Summer School.....PART 2 7/12/2001

YAY! Day 3, 7 more days to go! Wahoo! I'm still hyper from yesterday....I'd be more crazy if it weren't for this asshole headache....maybe I'll bug ya again at lunch!When'm I sposed to give you this letter anyhoo? Now that ure gunna be workin! So responsible, hehe...wow, today I've officially knwon you for a whole year.....hehe, how'd u do it mike?! How'd ya put up with me for a whole year? Haha...maybe I should getcha a pressie...maaaaybe, HAHA....hmmm what should I getcha for ure b-day? So many things to think about....brain hurts! hehe chewing ice, funneee....Class duzn't star for another 5 min I guess....mafia teacher! EEP! Ahhh gtg class now..... Ah'm back, hwk was so little, now ah'm sitting here waiting for somethin to do! Ooooh, 3 more min and he takes up the questions....I gotta think up a good quote for the test cos I forgot the one you gave me! NOOOO! Break time n' nuthin to do....I'd phone ya but it's way too goddamn early....and I need ta save mah batteries for more talking at lunch t'ya! Wonder what ure doin 2day? You should check ure mail n' come over saturday....mmmm I had a lil too much of sarah's drink....on the way home, I think my mom knew....cos you knew me wuz fallin everywhere! hehe, car rydes r fun....ooook, I'm gunna try picture what the inside of ure house looks like.....arg, my small brain can't comprehend such thinking...maybe after school I'll just walk on in n' be like so this is mike's house! HAHA, mmm car smells like Aqua somethin goodness....as you might've noticed, ah've been writing at different times soooo different subjects everywhere! Hehe, d'ya think this is long enuff? Damn, you should be here to write back...it wouldn't be so long if u were here cos there'd be muffled laughter in between, n' then a lil speech from the teacher, HAHA! It's Shannon Quote time! "I can't bring you back, I know because I've tried, nor can these tears, I know because I've cried..." "You broke my heart, so I broke your jaw" "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing" "Oh man she's got issues and I'm gunna pay" "You can't bring water to a donkey, you must bring the donker to the water" "don't eat glue" "If you don't like what I say, stop talking to me" "you and me, we're in this together now, gunna make it through somehow, no one can stop us now" "shan' dun know, shan' dun care" "slow n' steady wins the race!" "the horns r just there to keep the halo up!" "chip committed suicide, Brandon OD'd and died, what the hell is goin on, the cruelest dream reality!" God I'm bored, it's only....day 3 and I'm already snapping! la la, la la la, la la, la la la.... "oh eh yeah, eah eh heh ya ha, oh yeah ha oh yeah eh ya eh heh" dum dee dum....sooooo bored....what're u up today lucky potato? I tried callin, u wasn't home... :( "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care," hehe, offspring just came on.... Day 4! 6 more friggin days left....no time to talk! SOWEE! Buh bye baybee! :) Ahhh I barely wrote t'ya at all today....me sorry....he's talkin but I'm soooo tired his words don't make sense....it's really freaky, the girls that sat behind us are once again sitting behind me....tomorrow I might ask em if they remember you, I think alex remembers everything....Mafia teahers about to tell his story....I'm gettin frustrated cos I don't understand this math....I hope you can come over saturday, but ya gotta spend time with your dad! tell him I say hi! n' ne one else that might care if I said hi to em :) hehe, 25 more min! I neeeed sleeeep! Haha, this ditz is bein ignored n' she's gettin pissed, HAHA! today went by kinda fast, I think that I should leave class now and that's that! grrrreat spooky kid has friends now and ALL of them during class stare at me! i need a fuckin water hose to make em leave me alone, or at least, a fuckin body guard! FUCK! lol.....someone new sat next to me today cos we switched classes, now I walk up to the top floor, 4 floors!!!!I still haven't gotten her name, but she followed me around....she looks like buffy's sister from buffy the vampire slayer, she looks really young, n' goes to a small school.....well, I best be goin, home time! WAHOO! (TO BE CONTINUED)

Chapter 144, Summer School.....AHHH! 7/12/2001

Ok, so I've been writing notes to mike in summer school cos well, he isn't there to reply like last year! but these keep building up and building up, now I'm down to 3 pages!!! ok, so here's what I've been writing.... Hey Mike! I'm in summer school falling asleep....so to stay awake and look like I'm paying attention, I'll write you some notes! Hehe, you're not here to write notes to! *sob* This class is packed! This kid across the room is giving me the creeps, he keeps fuckin starin at me! There's still the smart ass people who think they know everything but know shit! Yes, I'm still comparing the teacher to someone, like our druggie Dave Thomas from Wendy's teacher, this guy looks like Sylvester Stallone, and I swear he's from the mafia! Ok, have you seen the show "Hey Arnold" ? There that nerd kid that pops outta no where behind the girl, uh, Helga, that's what it feels like right now! If the kid had glasses I'd smash em! Man I gotta piss....I stepped outside for break, remembered you were busy today, so I called Sarah.....her phone wasn't working so I hung around this group of smoking people. Nice people, but damn they stink! Woah, I bullshitted this whole time, it's nearly lunch! But I'm f-f-f-reezing! AHHHHH! Haha, teacher said represent...Ooook, who'm I sposed to buy a snack with? daaaayyyyyuuuuuummmmm, I wanna be at Wonderland, it's my b-day, I should be there! I think you should call in the middle of this class, HAHA! Lunchtime... Lunch sucked, talked with a smoker, he didn't talk much cos he wuz busy smokin....well someone's setting the clock to 2:00! Score, it's really 12:45, early leave! SAWEEEET! How do I get home? Ok, now they set it for 1:45, to make it seem for realistic. Where's the fuckin late teacher? I want this over with! Why in this roll call does he emphasize my name?! Haha, Asheesh, funny name....B-O-R-E-D! Oh my God! The teacher's so dense! He didn't notice the time change! HAHA! Early break, early dismissal! Gonna getta song stuck in my head...."I reach to the sky, and call out your name, but if I could trade, I would, and it feels, and it feels like, heaven's so far away, and it feels, and it feels like the world is so cold, now that you've gone away...." OOOK, I've sriously lose it, I think I'm gonna start writing to Sarah..... Yoooo, tis day 2 of summa school....mike, remember those 2 girls behind us who kept asking questions? Well they're baaack! Haha, still the same....oook, today I decided to go with punk shannon look, hehe....It got rid of the crazy nerd! Wahoo! So today I'm sitting next to the guy who changed the clock. Fuck! Test soon! It's stufy time, I'm gunna phone u at lunch to esplain wonda wand situation....are there no normal girls in here?! Remember that tall smart ass know-it-all girl from last year? I found her clone....hehe it's like last year! All over again! Just pretend you're apart of the class like the guy in the back! You should be here.....WAHOO! I failed mah first math test! Jeebus, I thought I did well....30%! I best be gettin me mark up! Now I gotta sit here for 35 min thinkin bout me shitty mark! There goes the scary guy, starin at me again....I swear I'm really scared now! Me n' mah swish swish pants, when I get up, everyone stops writin their tests! HAHA I shouldn't wear these again....ahhh, just came back frum lunch, hehe I called you, you had icecream....mmm icecream....now I sit in class listenin to music....shitterz, I wanna call ya again, me phone is nearly outta battery....AH MISS OOO! Oooh, ah'm listenin to Offspring n' Stabbing Westward....you know what's a good song? "Gone Away" and "Denial Revisited" two weely sad songs.....and "waking up beside you" that's by Stabbing Westward, not those crazy crackers Offspring, hehe, noodles...N-O-O-D-L-E-S, HEHE! Now I'm all hyper, now I can face the rest of the day! "Yah ooh! yah ooh, yah ooh" haha offspring....."an it feels, an it feels like, heaven's so far away, an it feels, an it feels like, the world is so cold, now that you've gone away,"

Chapter 143, Deliver Me.... 7/11/2001

I'm gonna try write some lyrics again, and I'm not sure I can understand everything this girl sings, but, I just feel like listening to these songs....my heart yearns for these songs to keep it in the happy mood it is in.... why am I so in love? why does this happen? whatever reason, it's amazing....this isn't what I normally listen to, the rocker I am, but it has so much meaning.... Sarah Brightman, "Deliver Me" Deliver me, out of my sadness, deliver me, from all of the madness, deliver me, courage to guide me, deliver me, strength from inside me, all of my life, I've been in hiding, wishing there were someone just like you, now that you're here, now that I've found you, I know that you're the one to pull me through, deliver me, (deliver me) loving and caring, (loving and caring) deliver me, giving and sharing, (giving and sharing) deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing, (the cross that I'm bearing) all of my life, I was in hiding, wishing these was someone just like you, now that you're here, now that I've found you, I know that you're the one to pull me through, deliver me, deliver me, deliver me, deliver me, ohhh deliver me, all of my life, I was in hiding, wishing these was someone just like you, now that you're here, now that I've found you, I know that you're the one to pull me through, deliver me, deliver me, ohhhh deliver me, deliver me, won't you deliver me....

Chapter 142, I Am Colourblind.... 7/11/2001

I'm gonna try write down these lyrics as I listen to, "Colourblind" by Counting Crows....It just seems like a good song to listen to right now, seeing as how my heart has flown away cos it's so happy.....I don't know how long this'll last, normally my happiness like this lasts about a week, and then I need to see mike again, and I go back on my rollercoaster....it's just cos my heart leaves me and chases after him without me! LOL! So here's the song.... Colourblind, By Counting Crows.... I am colourblind, coffee black, and egg white, pull me out from inside, I am ready,I am ready, I am ready, I am.... taffy stuck, and tongue tied, stutter shook, and uptight, pull me out from inside, I am ready, I am ready, I am ready I am, fine, I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in, pull me out from inside, I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding I am, colourblind, coffee black and egg white, pull me out from inside, I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am, fine, I am, fine... I am, fine...

Chapter 141, Grabbing Hold Once More.... 7/11/2001

I let go, I let myself fall, but then someone came, someone grabbed hold of my arm, and pulled me back up, pulled me back to hold on once more....then another hand came out, and grabbed hold of my other arm, made sure I couldn't possibly fall....Sarah came to my rescue and brought mike with her..... Ok, what am I talking about you must be saying to ureself....Well remember my last entry, lil ol' me wuz just about to give up, letting go, giving up, but then I told Sarah everything, told her all of what I was going through....she made sense of it all, and grabbed hold of my arm, and pulled me back up.....one arm still kept me down though, and yesterday we all decided to go to wonderland, me, sarah, mike, amanda, and my brother.....it was amazing, except for the fact Glenn, my brother, was being a complete ass and humulliating me, but still, he's little.....and another thing, the whole mike ignoring me situation, the reason why my arm isn't holding on any more.....ride after ride I felt more depressed, I grabbed hold of sarah's alcohol drink, I didn't care what was in it, I wanted out of this pain.....I drank, took sip after sip, and well Sarah warned me, afterwords I wusn't feeling right at all.....my legs weren't working well either, but I don't think any one noticed.....so as the day went on, I felt the sadness return, and then I took some more of sarah's drink, n' said thankyou sarah!!! n' I was off again, not caring what the hell I said or did.....but then there's be the low again, damn that low! I needed up again....I think I got 4 tries of sarah's drink, n' each time I felt great, but the low got worse.....I really wasn't feeling well, so I stayed on the ground n' watched sarah go on the bat with mike....I looked up, n' got dizzy, so I looked down, n' when they got off, I got a huge hug from sarah saying she talked with him....what a sweetie she is!!! I love her so much! hehe.....aaannnyyywwwaaayyyzzzz......the day went on, n' it didn't really look like mike changed much....we went on the goaster coaster and it wuz hilarious cos it wuz so squishy, so mike n' I had a minute of butt wars, HAHAHA......he's the best when ya need a laugh, I love him!!! n' then watching him get frustrated over not winning the fox, I tried myself, n' even more frustrated I couldn't win for him, I spent a lot of money.....I always get mad when mike isn't happy! at the end of the night I said g'bye to sarah n' amanda, and mike, glenn and I were on our own....glenn decided to go on this ride so I'm like, WAHOO! finally sum free time with mike! but no, he took off to try that game again.....so standing there for 15 minutes with a tear everyonce in a while finding it's way on my face, I stood there in rage! I swore right there n' then that wuz it.....he returned, we got glenn off the ride, n' we headed out to leave.....I tried being flirty again, my last attempt, like I normally do at the end of the day.....we got in the car, mike n' I in the back, the best seats for cuddlin!!! ok, so I go to turn the radio on lyin on my stomach, I gotta smack on the ass from mike, LMAO!!! omg, he's soooo funny! ya can't get mad at him! buuuut my clumsy attempt to fall into his arms didn't work, the car didn't shake enough when i tried to get back to my seat.....so I tried it again, I decided to mess around with the air conditioning, and while I wuz returning to my seat, the car shook, and yup, I fell right on him! he held me close so I didn't fall, n' i stayed there.....I just hoped I didn't stab him in the eye with my hair! LOL.....so the car ride continued, and "Life" by Our Lady Peace came on, and Mike wuz singin! hehehe, it kinda felt like he wuz singin to me, so I decided to show off myself n' started singing, hehe! Then Wave's "california" came on, we were singing along to this cheesey song, but I didn't care, I wuz so comfortable n' my stomach was doing loop-dee-loops, it was even more amazing than the roller coasters.....Then as we pulled up to his house, my good bye song mysteriously came on, Eve 6's, "Here's To The Night." Mike whispered in I swear, the sweetest sexiest tone of voice, "happy birthday shannon." I melted and choked, "thankyou." then I gave him a kiss on the cheek after I looked into his sweet eyes, and he was off.....I think he had trouble getting out of the car.....and afterwords I was so shaken and dizzy, I just smiled all the way home.....I wrote SAM n' MAS (our annitials) all over the car, everywhere! cos the windows were all steamy.....hehee, and when I got home, I sent Sarah ICQ messages tellin her how happy I was, and thankyou for helpin me through this, and omg, I was so happy! but it all came to an end when I woke up the next day with a bitch ass headache, yup, Sarah's drink had it's revenge on me! LOL, but I didn't care, I wuz still smilin!!!! just like in california when sarah said she saw me smiling in my sleep when mike slept at the foot of my bed, hehehe, I only sleep smiling when mike does the cutest things..... ;)

Chapter 140, Hanging On, Then Letting Go.... 7/9/2001

I let go of what I wuz holding onto for so long, I held onto my life, everything that I wanted in the back of my head, everything that wuz driving me to dying.....today I told Sarah everything, I just let it go, and I thank her so much......we talked about mike, and she being the second to read my diary, didn't freak like the first person, running off to the priest to get me into the nearest psychiatrist......now sarah's joined TOD :) I'm so glad I can share what's wrong with my life with her.....well I talked to mike for another 30 seconds today, and well, I guess he just doesn't care anymore.....my step brother JR tried to talk some sense into him, but I geuss games are more important.....he wuz too busy today to wish me happy birthday too, *sob* I lost my lunch AND my dinner......I think I lost 2 pounds or something....well, I thank him for that! I was in the middle of writing him a long thing about how happy this year was, and how it'll be our anniversary soon, but I was choking back my tears when he signed on and completely ignored what I was saying, that I closed the -mail and decided to hell with it! why try to do something that is so useless! why try in life at all....I thought about it again, just jumping off of something really high, falling, letting the wind brush against my hair and my finger tips, not knowing when I'd hit the ground......I wonder what comes after this, is there nothing? blackness forever? is this the only chance we get? I'm so scared to not exhist.....I feel so dizzy right now, i want to die......I want mike to hold me close and tell me, everything's gonna be ok shannon, I got you, I won't let you fall......but instead he's watching me fall, waiting till I hit the ground.....waiting.......I remember long ago when I believed in love, that mike was my saviour, mike the angel who was sent to let me live....he gave me a year, I thank him for this, but maybe this is all I have left.....so I'll live a little longer to see how this story goes, I'll live a little longer for my friends, and for my family, but afterwords, when there is no life to live, when there is no love to love and care for me back, when all I do is give and get nothing in return, hell be ready, I'm coming down.......

Chapter 139, My Last Day Of Freedom.... 7/8/2001

Well, I tried to get Mike over before summer school started, but I guess it didn't work.....I'm writing cos this is my last day of freedom, tomorrow I go to summer school.....I'm scared!!! I don't wanna go to a place where I don't know ne one, AGAIN!

Chapter 138, Writing To Get Rid Of The Pain.... 7/8/2001

Ok....Well I took this from someone, I think, and well after writing about my disturbing dream, I feel I should get my mind off of it and do a survey to see how I feel right now.... I see: a computer screen I need: a hug, or maybe a kiss LOL I find: $20.00, good I might need this I want: mike I have: nothing... I wish: mike showed that he loved me...not in a bad way, but instead of ignoring me, he could show he cares a little I love: mike I hate: life I miss: mike I fear: rejection, complete silence, lonliness I feel: depressed I hear: the soft hum of the computer I smell: the bitter smell of the diet drink I just drank I crave: for some reason sex, LOL....I don't know why, it's messing up my thoughts!!! I search: for love.... I wonder: why am I so lonely?! I regret: not being like a movie and driving far and wide to find mike ***When was the last time you... Smiled? thursday Laughed? thursday Cried? this morning when I woke up and realised it wuz another shitty day, I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying, isn't life wonderful?! Bought something? can't remember Danced? thursday Were sarcastic? all the friggin time Kissed someone? never....a year with mike n' I haven't been kissed, i'm so unloved... Watched your favourite movie? the animal, reminds me of mike, LOL Had a nightmare? last night! lol ***A Last time for everything... Last book you read: b-oo-k??? Last movie you saw: the animal Last song you heard: "million miles away" by offspring Last thing you had to drink: some diet drink Last time you showered: last night Last thing you ate: diet drink I geuss is what I ate ***Do You... Smoke? no Do drugs? no Have sex? no, I wish! LOL, what'm I sayin?! Sleep with stuffed animals? who dusn't? lol Live in the moment? I wish.... Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ya.... Have a dream that keeps coming back? not really, but sometimes they're similar Play an instrument? the xylophone n' the piano Believe there is life on other planets? we can't be the only ones, we're not that special, there must be other planets Remember your first love? ya.... Still love him/her? yes, I'm with him now..... Read the newspaper? nope Have any gay or lesbian friends? nope Believe in miracles? sometimes Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yup Consider yourself tolerant of others? dunno Consider love a mistake? no! Like the taste of alcohol? not really Have a favorite candy? I likes lotsa candies! Believe in astrology? who shot who in the what now? Believe in magic? ya, magick Believe in God? no :( Pray? no Go to church? No Have any secrets? Yes too many Have any pets? simba my dog Do well in school? no....to many depressing things on my mind to do well Go to or plan to go to college? university to get my BS and MRS LOL Talk to strangers who instant message you? ya lol Wear hats? sumtimes Have any piercings? my ears Have any tattoos? No Hate yourself? yup Have an obsession? ya, mike, gerrof a' my mind boy! LOL Collect anything? Naaa Have a best friend? ya, I think so Wish on stars? yup, I did once in the car, n' mike's like, you like stars huh? LOL, n' I kept my wish to myself, it's never come true, I've never been kissed Like your handwriting? nope Have any bad habits? Yes , bite my nails! LOL

Chapter 137, My Dream, Kinda Sick, Confused! 7/8/2001

Ok, I'm waaaay confused about this, I had the wierdest dream, and I swear I don't know where it came from.....maybe u can help me with what this means?!!?! if it means anything at all, LOL....and I don't normally dream like this, it's just out of the blue, I swear my brain must have like this hidden pervertidness spot hiding till I fall asleep! LOL!!! Anyways, before I fell asleep, I was thinkin about mike and how much I miss him.....I haven't heard from him in so long!!! and well, I feel abandoned (you'll see that on the main page, my imood) anyways, I started crying, and I cried myself to sleep again....as the night went on, I had many dreams, one was I wuz in space holding onto my dog really tight so he wouldn't float away! LOL......anyways, that's not the one I'm confused about, that wuz my regular strange dream time....the no sense one always comes first....then came this dream, I was sitting in my room giving mike a bj, (this is prolly cos when we were all in california we were talking bout this sort of thing, but I've never done that! LOL) anyways, he looked really bored, and he disapeared, and in his place was tb! shit, LOL, I tried to wake up cos I felt REALLY bad, n' the dream kept going! ok, this wuz the weirdest dream I've EVER had.....EVER! and I don't know what to make of it, why I had this dream, why it came to me, why i wuz giving them bj's, and....jeez, I just dont know! please help!!!

Chapter 136, Good Music, Bad Life.... 7/7/2001

Ok, a music survey'll take my mind off things....ok, maybe it won't, I've got two guys on the brain and I feel like my dad! I don't wanna be like my dad, choosing between the love of his life and someone else.....my mom and Valery, I don't wanna choose between the love of my life and someone else.....just, I feel so unloved, and, I wonder if there's a better world out there waiting for me...... your fave singer: either Raine Maida, or the lead singer of nine inch nails your fave band: Stabbing Westward and Linkin Park your fave cd: right now, Stabbing Westward's new cd your fave song: Offspring's "She's Got Issues," and "Gone Away" male artist of 2000: ummm Fred Durst female artist of 2000: the girls frum Kittie rock band of 2000: Linkin Park rapper of 2000: Eminem boyband of 2000: they all sucked pop princess of 2000: they all sucked fave new singer of 2000: the two lead singers of Linkin Park country artist of 2000: they all sucked hottest female artist of 2k: they all got beaten wif an ugly stick hottest male artist of 2k: they all got beaten wif an ugly stick most annoying artist of 2k: Britney Spears n' Christina Aguilera bitching about who's better best song of 2000: Linkin Park's "In the End" and "With You" best muzik video of 2000: any Limp Bizkit videos worst muzik video of 2k: any bsb video butt anthem of 2k (thongsong,shakeyaazz,backthatthangup): Mystikal's "Shake ya ass, but watch ureself" song with worst lyrics: any of Britney Spears' songs if you hear this song one more time, you'll bust your stereo open: anything pop now on to cd's. . . cd that has only one good song on it: well I like a few of the songs on the Buffy Soundtrack, but not all of em cd that you wish you hadn't bought (you use it as a coaster now): the Backstreet Boys cd cd that's good all the way through: any Our Lady Peace cd, Stabbing Westward cd, Linkin Park cd, Limp Bizkit cd.... cd that your parents dont want you to have (or wouldnt let you have): that damned backstreet boys cd cd that you really want for xmas/chanaukah/kwanza/etc: offspring cd cd thats in your cd player right now: stabbing westward 1st word (or two) that pops into your head when you hear. . . the spice girls: sluts backstreet boys: gay nsync: faggots britney spears: slut hanson: little girls nelly: always dances the same korn: sexxay kid rock: his little friend limp bizkit: amazin mutha fuckers shaggy: sebastian from the little mermaid lil kim: crazy! tupac shakur: hes not dead sisqo: nasty muther fucker will smith: used to be good, but hasn't realised that it's no longer the 80's pink: amazing hair! ricky martin: faggot mandy moore: retarded j-lo: dumb slut madonna: old gramma eminem: used to love him, now he's a disapointment, why'd u sing with elton john!? christina aguilera: slut janet: odd slut ja rule: ccrraayyzzzeee mariah carey: slut john tesh: huh? lol yanni: huh? lol whitney houston: strange bitch rage against the machine: words jumbled, makes so much sense tho! cher: old slut this/that/neither/both. . . blink 182/creed: blink 182 britney/christina: NEITHER bsb/nsync: NEITHER jay-z/puffdaddy: NEITHER faith hill/shania twain: NEITHER marilyn manson/billy gilman: marilyn manson elton john/melissa ethridge: NEITHER sting/eminem: EmInEm micheal jackson/prince: NEITHER the beatles/rolling stones: NEITHER grammys/vmas: vma's misc. . . have you ever gone karaoking: yup! haha at a restaurent did you have fun: ya huh! what songs did you sing: can't remember have you ever sang the national anthem in public: yup at school! would you sing the national anthem at the world series: no have you ever gone caroling: heeeellll no what were the peoples reactions that you sang to: .... ever sang at a talent show: yup, mah friend wuz in this talent show n' she got me to just hang around so they lemme try it out what song and how did you perform that song: I think it wuz like "the new kids on the block" or sumthin if you could be any singer or member of a band who would you be and why: I'd just help the band out, I'd help out Linkin Park hhehehe ;)

Chapter 135, Crying now..... 7/7/2001

I don't know what to do, I've cried so long.....just like Linkin Park's song says, "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't really matter..." I guess even fighting to keep the love you had with someone going doesn't work, so why should I even try? why even go on everyday hoping maybe something good will become of it..... inside I know he's dead....not literally, but his love for me is dead, and I love him so much, but I know he doesn't love me.....who would love me anyway? I mean, I'm just so fucking ugly! I hate myself, and so I should be hated....

Chapter 134, THAT'S IT! 7/7/2001

Ok, I've had it up to here, no more crying, no more pain in the stomach, no more no more no fucking more! I'm breaking up with Mike, and that's final....it's been a year, and I love him so much, but when he's around me I feel like I have lepercy or something, he won't go near me! I'd do anything for him, I bought him a wallet, and he said thanks but where's the hug and the kiss? "Thanks so much, you're the greatest" is all I ask for! I give up on guys completely, yes, completely. I'm just gonna give up and go along with my suicide that should have been done last year! yes, mike did prevent me from doing that, but now things seem so distant between us, and I don't know what to do! he was my saviour, and now he's become the cause......he was my angel, and now he's the devil calling for me to die....

Chapter 133, Something For You.... 7/6/2001

After doing my quiz thing for Mike in my mind last entry.....I found this quote, and it just seems so perfect....so perfect for you that is.... If I were an angel I'd give you my wings...just so you could search everywhere for the girl who'd make your heart sing.If I were a princess I'd give you my crown...just so you could have a kingdom to search for the one who'd keep you from being down.I I were the sandman I'd make all your dreams come true...just so the girl of your dreams could be with you.If I were a magician I'd give you my wand...just so she could magically appear to love you and keep you strong.If I were a fairy I'd give you my magic dust...just so you could sprinkle it and find the one worthy of your trust. If I were a shooting star, I'd make all your dreams come true. But I'm just a girl in love with you.

Chapter 132, Things That Come To Mind.... 7/6/2001

I'm listening to "Gone Away" by the Offspring again....sadder than ever, I imagined writing a poem, a poem of words that come to mind when I think of mike, versus the words that come to mind when I think of TB....ya, just like the song "Torn" I'm torn apart with the feelings of sadness I feel everytime my heart is broken by mike cos I miss him so much, and the feelings of happiness I feel every compliment TB drops...I'm not going to be like my dad, I'm not going to cheat on mike, I won't leave him in this time of need, I love him too much, and.....just how cruel can I be?! M - maniac, he's crazy and brightens up my day when I finally get to see him I - interesting, not like everyone else, if he talks, I'm there to listen K - kissable, although he's never tied to kiss me, *sob* E - everything I've dreamt about I'd do the rest of his name, but that'd give him away, although it's kinda obvious I give everyone away who they are in this diary.....but what about TB? maybe there is nothing there....let's see.... A - always there to cheer me up when I feel down about missing mike or my dad N - nice with all those compliments, and always offering if I need ne thing D - dahlang is the name he calls me from time to time, it's so funny! R - really funny! Him and mike have the same sense of dirty hilarious humour E - everything I've never been able to picture in a guy W - wonderful friend, just my heart belongs to mike, and my heart wishes it were split in two.... Ok.....now I've got the names down.....I think that's not going to work to help me.....I think I'll do a chart of good qualities VS bad qualities, add up the good qualities, subtract the bad...... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good About Mike.... Always there to make me laugh always wears that sexy cologne that sends me off to lala land everytime I smell it likes the same kind of music as me so adorable it feels so great to see him after he's away for so long at school his hugs are heavenly his family's so nice to me just like him if it weren't for him, I'd be dead today he made my life worth living, I live for him... he's so good hearted to others when TB pushed me in the pool, he was there to defend me made summer school so much fun made every song have a meaning, reminding me of him cares a lot for animals just like me always keeps me worried about him, showing that I care so much for him 16 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good About TB.... Always there to make me laugh there to give me a compliment when I'm down Always making sure I'm ok tries so hard to make my family seem normal introduced me to rap, which is pretty good! while mike's away, he keeps me from ending my life always there to give advice when mike is at school, or not around, he'll be around to make me smile again before I hurt myself always there to quickly apoligize after something, (pushed me away from the lockers playfully, lack of balance I fell, pushed me into the pool playfully, lack of balance again, I fell!) everytime I do something nice for mike, trying to make him happy, TB's there to say what a nice person I am in case I don't get a proper thankyou one word, sexy! 11 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now what about the bad things???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad things about Mike...... used to e-mail me so much, it made me so happy, now I rarely get an e-mail I now know what it means to cry when you miss someone so much never get phone calls from him seems too busy for me never has wanted to kiss me is a completely different person compared to last summer our anniversary is coming up and he just seems to not care my tears are only shed because I love him so much, why can't we show how much we love eachother? hugs only come at the end of the date, and those are hugs, we're practically friends.... - 9 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad Things About TB all of my friends hate him, and I end up hated for when i hang around him stares a lot at my chest sometimes seems to not want to be around me afraid to tell his friends he knows me more worried about his ego than everyone around him shows that he thinks about sex a lot, which is kinda freaky, but I know everyone does, LOL seems confused, he's not sure whether he's a wigga, a gino, or anything, he needs to learn to accept himself, and not try to be something he's not - 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's tally up the scores....dum da na na nuh! Mike: 7 TB: 5 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, it looks like I still love Mike...if only he'd kiss me....if only.....I knew I loved him, I knew it, I just had to see....just had to make sure....cos my heart aches so much....

Chapter 131, Dragon Heart 7/5/2001

There's this song, it's all instrumental, and I only like the end where it sounds so sad you could cry....I think it should be in my life if I were to die, cos I have the whole scene in my head....I can see someone running toward my dead body, screaming, "what happened?! why did she do this?!" and not blaming themself, which they should....no offence or anything, but everyone in this world has tried to bring me down somehow or someway....even the guys I date.....my heart no longer works, it's so crushed by the humans of this world....and I truly want to leave, and now I'm sadder than ever thinkin about this scene in my mind....I picture Mike running up to me thinking, "no, no, not again, why, not another girlfriend..." because his last one died too.....I hate pretending to be so happy all the time, and I hat most of all trying to hate my dad.....he left and I should hate him, but for some reason I'm starting to forgive him....no, no I'm not.....breath shannon breath....it's only the end of the world....I'm not sure whether this is for me or for Mike.....as he continues to return to boarding school, or maybe it's for me when I die, and mike thinks of this song when he thinks he misses me.....or maybe it's for his last girlfriend, and only that Nine Days song is for me.....I hate smiling, i'll never smile, so even if he absolutely loves me when I smile, he'll never see me smile again, only my fake smile that I put on for being with him.......Here's Offspring's Gone Away.... Gone Away Maybe in another life I could find you there Pulled away before your time I can't deal it's so unfair And it feels And it feels like Heaven's so far away And it feels Yeah it feels like The world has grown cold Now that you've gone away Leaving flowers on your grave Show that I still care But black roses and Hail Mary's Can't bring back what's taken from me I reach to the sky And call out your name And if I could trade I would And it feels And it feels like Heaven's so far away And it stings Yeah it stings now The world is so cold Now that you've gone away

Chapter 130, Theme, LoVe 7/5/2001

"Have you ever been in love with somebody? How did you know? Do you believe in love at first sight?". Yes, actually I was just thinking about that now, how I'm stuck in this crazy love world....I do believe in love at first sight, but right now I don't believe in love....it feels like love is just something deep inside telling you, "don't be alone forever, find someone!" but then there's just that someone that walks in the door and lights up your life....like for instance, in a few days I'll have been with mike for a year, and well last year as I sat down in my seat it started off like destiny brought me there....for instance, when i sat down, turns out I took this guy named Mike's seat, so I moved over one, cos this guy switched from morning class to afternoon. So when he walked in it seemed like fate brought us both to the same seats and class, and I saw him, and it felt like love at first sight for me....I don't know about him, but something just clicked.... But now he seems to drift away from me, the sight has dimmed, and I can't see.....so, what am I to do with this love??? why is love so confusing? what is love?!?!

Chapter 129, Ahhh.....My Tummy Hurts! LOL 7/3/2001

Jeebus, I think I ate too much, LOL.....or maybe too little, I dunno! I'm going crazy about my weight, it's driving my nuts, I was watching this video I was in, my God, I wanna smack myself! Ok, I've got my face all nice, now if only I could put that determination into how much I weigh! I don't know where to get the will power to lose weight! LOL.....I wish I could just trade with Calista Flockheart for a few days, she'd lose 10 pounds for me for sure while I helped her gain ten pounds! hehehehe......ahhhh that'd be great..... Well, there is good news coming up, I'm not sure if mike's noticed, BUUUT our anniversary is July 11th, ok, so I kinda just estimated, it's the day we met at summer school, and well I can't exactly remember the day he actually asked me somewhere.....hehehehe.....and well, I think we truly got together when I sent that mushy e-mail back in I think it was december, or january....or maybe it was february! LOL, but I've known him for a wonderful year! WAHOO! and all is well, just my tummy's killin me! DAMN U STOMACH! LOL......AANNNDDD my MSN's on the fritz AGAIN.....well I geuss I'm off to go do nothing, and think about what to do on the 11th.....TA TA!

Chapter 128, Drifting Off To Sleep Smiling..... 6/28/2001

What a trip.....I've even started making a website on how great it was.....I might even link to it when it's done.....omg, i'm so tired from it, I had an amazing time......I have to say I finally got closer to Mike, but I don't know if Mike got father away from me.....I finally brought up the courage to kiss him, my dad finally got up the courage to tell Mike he's gonna kick him in the head next time he sees Mike in my room. Ya, I let Mike stay in my room a couple nights, the final night he got caught, and it felt great, hehe......while I fell asleep he played with my hair, I laughed, turned over and watched him sleep.....I always heard it felt nice to have someone stay up and watch you sleep, so I watched Mike......he looked so peaceful, well, he really knew how to snore, but I didn't care, I just kept smiling.....Sarah said when she walked into the room, she saw me asleep with this huge smile on my face.....I never knew it was possible to fall asleep smiling, hehe......I got a picture of all of us on the Jurassic Park ride, me holding onto Mike for dear life, it was so much fun........I wanna do it all over again, and just drift off to sleep smiling......Smiling cos I'm in love......

Chapter 127, Just Before I Go to California... 6/18/2001

Just before I go....I just wanted to say a few things, because I know I won't be able to touch this, for fear someone will see.....Anyways, I'm really nervous for soooo many reason, and I think by typing a lot of jibberish can help me out of this.... Jeez, I've been so paranoid I must've washed my face 10 times today....I'm a nervous wreck, n' now I'm iceing my face to make the reddness go away.....ya, when I get nervous I wash my face again and again, wierd aren't I? HA, they're playing, "beautiful day" on the radio....sum beautiful day this is! AHH! I'm so nervous.....what is there to be nervous about anyway? I should be saying this over and over again, cos what is there to be scared of??? Well, the fact that I'm with my bf for a whole week and I gotta watch every move I make cos I don't want to screw things up......I gotta make sure I look good 24/7, I can't just walk around all red faced after scrubbing my face to kingdom come.....jeez, I hafta be so careful, and not to mention, I have to be all nicey nice to my bastard dad, cos he thinks he's so great doing this for me.....arg....n' I gotta be nice to his gf too.....I'll be nice to her, like I'm nice to bugs, squash......anyways, I'm still shakey, cos flights make me nervous....Mike's gonna see that side of me to, the nervous wreck I am......YEESH.....well, now that i've written down all that, I hope I'll be ok.....and I'll be back by next wednesday! *hugs* omg, I'm gonna miss my house! And my poor dog, he'll be so sad without me..... So, so long! And c-ya in a week ;)

Chapter 126, Theme, 6/15/2001

This is my song, for the theme....I think I'll make it up, the tune it goes to is Nine Inch Nails, "The Day the Whole World Went Away" The Day My Whole World Went Away.... Na, na na na, na, na na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na na, Na, na na na, na, na na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na na, Na, na na na, na, na na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na na, Na, na na na, na, na na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na na, I put the make-up on, again.... try to hide myself, again.... so symbolic true, the things I think, the things I do.... No one knows, who I am.... no one cares, who I am.... not my mom, and, not my dad, the day the whole world, went away.... na, na na na, na, na na na.... na, na na na, na, na na na.... So I try to live, another day, I try to smile, for you ok, I want you to, smile alway, I want to, protect your day.... there is a place, that still remains, it eats the fear, it eats the pain, the sweetest price, you'll have to pay, the day the whole world, went away.... na, na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na.... So I try to, live another day! so I try to, pretend it's ok! So I try to, smile for you alway! I want the world world to, GO AWAY! na, na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na, na, na na na, My dad once again, pushed me away, my mom once again, pushed me away, my brother once again, taken away, my heart once again, bleeds alway.... na, na na na, na, na na na, woo oo, woo oo, na, na na na, na, na na na, so I stand here, today, so I stand here, alway, should I jump here, today, should I fall here, alway, should I cry here, with pain, should I die here, again.... I can't decide here, today, the day my whole world, went away..... Na, na na na, woo oo, na, na na na, woo oo, Na, na na na, woo oo, na, na na na, woo oo, Na, na na na, woo oo, na, na na na, woo oo, Na, na na na, woo oo, na, na na na, woo oo...........

Chapter 125, Here's To The Night 6/14/2001

Kate Bosworth had this in her diary, n' I was listening to it at the same time! I wuz freaked out.....LOL, but it remindes me so much of mike, *sigh* every time he comes to visit, he has to go so soon back to that school of his....but now it's summer so all is well! n' I know I'm waitin for the california trip, n' it feels like forver, but it's gonna go by so fast, n' all of us'll feel this way..... So denied So I lied Are you the now or never kind? In a day And a day love love I'm gonna be gone for good again Are you willing To be had Are you cool with just tonight? Here's a toast To all those who hear me all too well Here's to the nights we felt alive Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry Here's to good-bye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon Put your name On the line Along with place and time Wanna stay Not to go I wanna ditch the logical Here's a toast To all those Who hear me all too well Here's to the nights we felt alive Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon All my time is froze in motion Can't I stay an hour or two or more Don't let me let you go Here's a toast To all those who know me all too well Here's to the nights we felt alive Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry Here's to good-bye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon Here's to the nights we felt alive Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon.

Chapter 124, My Mom And Dad Don't Want Me 6/10/2001

WTF? I don't get this, my dad leaves n' takes my brother, now my mom's out all the time, n' sending me away with my gramma for several weeks to ireland, saying she needs time alone. I give her all the time in the world, alone at home, nothing to do, no one wants me! Why am I living if no one wants me around??? my mom? my dad? they don't love me! *sob* what's wrong with me? am I like diseased or something? I stayed to keep my mom company cos my dad left. I stayed and my brother left, and this is what I get?!?!?! I wish I were dead...

Chapter 123, Continues Continued Again 6/10/2001

Majik Bunnie says: i cant decide if i prefer honey of choclate syrup... BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: mmmm chocolate.......HAHAH....(BODY SHOTS!) Majik Bunnie says: ahhaha u need tequila 4 that shannie!! Majik Bunnie says: and tequila burns! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: WACHACHACHACHA Majik Bunnie says: n i dun wanna plane hangover BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hahahaha Majik Bunnie says: do u know how 2 do bodyu shots shannie?? Majik Bunnie says: its an easy way 2 get a hickie! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: ya huh! u uhhh ok, u take a shot, n' then you lick salt offa em n' then uhhh you get the lemon from there mouth! HAHAH, uhhhh I think! me so stupid, ahha Majik Bunnie says: sorta... u take the shot, sumone has salt on their neck... or sumwhere else... n then u take a lime from their mouth! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: woah! wuz close! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: *bows* Majik Bunnie says: very mucho so! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hehehe saw it on sum movie, hehe uhhh what wuz it called, the other sister Majik Bunnie says: hahaha BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: twas wierd chica! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I wuz kiddin I'd neva be up to body shots BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: unless I wuz REALLY drunk, LMAo Majik Bunnie says: tehehehe!!! i would b!!! alkyhol makes ya brave! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I'm still a wittle baby hun, so stupid to what really goes on in the world, HAHAHAHA damned HTS!!!! Majik Bunnie says: hahaha tehyll freek when i tell em wut ma fave drink is! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: wassat? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: mike's lemonade? Majik Bunnie says: oral sex on the beach BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: HAHAHAHHAAAHHAHA BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG thaz a drink? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: thaz fuckin hilarious! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: the creator of that drink is a genious! Majik Bunnie says: yahuh!!! its like rasberry n cherry n vodka and other shit... BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: yum yum Majik Bunnie says: hahha some1 asked me wut ma fav thing 2 do was and i was like have oral sex on the beach with ma friends! n they were like wtf?! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: AHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHA BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: can u make sum??? we got tonsa stuff, I just dunno if u can make it, Majik Bunnie says: umm i can try BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hurrah BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: but no drinkin in cali Majik Bunnie says: otay! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: mah dad'd kill us all! Majik Bunnie says: tehehehe dun worry!!!

Chapter 123, Continues, Continued, LOL 6/10/2001

BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: omg......I hope I dun break out or ne thin in cali, I'll freak! LMAO, no chocolate for me! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: OMG! we hafta wear those funky masks n' scare everyone u know those makeup masks? Majik Bunnie says: ok!! i have sum 2! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hahahahaha it'll be funneeee Majik Bunnie says: actually they r one minute masks so we cant keep them on 4 long... but i have recipes 4 suM! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: WAHOOO! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: PiLlOw FiGhT! HAHAH BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: so what're the plans for the 19th???? we got our game plans......mike likes the idear.....HAHA.....uhhhh........movie plans???? sumfin else??? Majik Bunnie says: wut idea? Majik Bunnie says: i cant get 2 ur house till around 5 BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: the game idea Majik Bunnie says: 7 or truth? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hey thaz fine, s'ok, I mean we're not gunna be here all day (he thinks bof r funny) BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I guess I'll telll every1 to come at 5 Majik Bunnie says: u told him wut im gonna do 4 dare? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: nononono Majik Bunnie says: GEWD!!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I saaaiiiid we might play those games Majik Bunnie says: so hes up 2 7 in heaven eh? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: YA HUH! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA Majik Bunnie says: brbBoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: k Majik Bunnie says: back!!! haha i think we should play truth or dare 4 a warm up n then do 7.... Majik Bunnie says: i have a frisbee 4 us!!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: YYAAAAAYYY! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: frrriiisssbbeeee Majik Bunnie says: its neon orange and has a sea monster on it! Majik Bunnie says: its cute! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: awwww! hehehe Majik Bunnie says: i bought it at skool Majik Bunnie says: im so bad @ frisbee!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: me too! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: the frisbee comes at me n' it hits me in the head like santas lil helper on the simpsons Majik Bunnie says: i cant throw it 4 shit!!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hehehe Majik Bunnie says: tralalee!!!!! bwachachachachacha!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: tb egberts n' I were playin frisbee in history class n' mr rose walks in just as I bash the comp wif it

Chapter 123, And So My Life Continues.... 6/10/2001

Yup, just another day in this sick sad world for me....I'm talking with sarah about california, n' what we're gonna do the night b4 we go.....I think I'll copy n' paste most of it now into here so I remember later our plans.... (I'm BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like) Majik Bunnie says: hlo? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa!" says: HEY! Majik Bunnie says: how r ya BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa!" says: ok......omg....I have sum serious problems! LOL Majik Bunnie says: wut? BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa!" says: last night I got no sleep, cos everytime I went to sleep, I started dreaming, n' they were my normal wierd dreams, but then mike would walk in, n' I'd freak out n' wake up! ROTFLMAO! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa!" says: I need help! hahaha the 12 step program or sumfin! Majik Bunnie says: ahahaha BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: save me jeebus! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: so how're u majik bunny? Majik Bunnie says: im nbot great im sick!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: awwww! Majik Bunnie says: aaaa ma throat hurts a lot and i have a stuffy nose! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: how come??? Majik Bunnie says: n im freaking out bc i dun wanna b sivck 4 cali!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I have a stuffy nose too, it's a bitch Majik Bunnie says: i think i got it from one of the ppl iwas with on friday! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: EEEEE BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: I dun want u to be sickie in cali!!!! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: *sob* it won't be fun! Majik Bunnie says: i know!!! aaaaaa ive already taken some cough tea and medicine BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: n' we'd bring like new diseases to those californicating californians, HAHA Majik Bunnie says: hahahaa wed b quarenteened! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: HAHHAHAHHAHA Majik Bunnie says: =) BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: we gotta hook u jenny n' jen up wif sum californian hotties! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: (make tb jealous I think tho) Majik Bunnie says: wahooooooooooooooo Majik Bunnie says: hottiez BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hehehehe BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: seein stars sarah? lol, many hotties in cali! many! Majik Bunnie says: yum yum bubbl gum BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: while I wuz there I wuz like, omg omg omg omg.....even mah step bro's hot!!! they're everywhere......(n' I won't be pissed if u wanna flirt wif mah step bro, s'ok! heheh, I just think bout sum o' those movies n' the person gets pissed, I won't! Majik Bunnie says: =) ur da bestest! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: YUP YUP! hehe BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: we'd bof have long distance relationships! LMAO Majik Bunnie says: i dont do long distance... flingz r fine with me! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: YAAY! BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: hehe Majik Bunnie says: tehehehehehehhe BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: omg I went to school wif mah step bro, we're a day apart......if we weren't well, like this......HAHAHAHA BoOm~*~ShAkaLaKa HAHA! -"If my friends r like this, I just can't imagine what my enemies r like!" says: nah I'm kiddin, I wuv mah mike! (I like mike!) mah special rhyme Majik Bunnie says: tehehehe

Chapter 122,What I Would Shout 2 the Heavens! 6/9/2001

Yup, I want to shout loud and clear, that for this week's theme, I would share with the world, I love Mike! I do I do I do I do....He's back, n' all is well! He sent me an e-mail from his school after 20 days! I'm so happy I got to hear from him, and well, I want to shout this too! "It's 5 o'clock somewhere so, let's have another! Ya I'm gonna drink it all up, oh my ail is dear...dai dee dee dum dai dee da dee da dai dee da dum da dee dai de dum, dai dee dee dum dai dee da dee da dai dee da dum da dee dai de dum, dai dee da da da, well it's what I need today cos I'm been workin like a slave, and my head feels like a gun, and it's all been said n' done, when I'm caught up in the days, like some begger on the stray, there's a lunatic inside that keeps me wasted all the time, to the pubs I will go, where I'll drink with my brother, and your sisters,a nd your lovers, to the pubs we will go, where will sit with eachother, with you sisters, with you brothers, with you mothers, it's 5 o'clock somehwere, it's time for another, the days never seemed so long, and the nights never seemed long enough, it's 5 o'clock somewhere, so let's have another, ya I'm gonna drink it all up, of my ail is dear....."

Chapter 121, That Sinking Feeling...... 6/8/2001

Owwww, have you ever felt that feeling, that pain in your stomach like something inside of you is sinking....you just feel so depressed and right there and then you wanna die??? I feel like that from time to time, and in my head I just imagine a newspaper, "teen commits suicide" and try to picture what would happen to those I care about, and those who don't care about me.....what am I supposed to do if that's always on my mind? what am i supposed to do if so many thing sare on my mind, n' this is what I come up with as the solution? what is the solution, and is this it? is this is for me? This is so.....so shitty, that's all I have to say.... Next Tuesday I'm getting my mind off all the shit in my life, the exams'll be over, and TB n' I can just hang.....cos well, so much shit is happening to the both of us, and misery loves company, so that's my solution for that day......it'll get me by for that one day, and then I have to think about the next.....I miss mike so much, and TB misses not having a girlfriend.....my dad's ignoring me and using me, alongside my gramma, n' TB has kept me company n' given me advice through some times.....n' between crazy nicknames, he's cheered me up so many times.....I just wanna get away from it all, kinda like Valentines day when we both were ready to break down without our bf n' gf.....so we used the tickets he got for Michelle n' went to that hockey game, we tried to have fun.....I guess he's kinda like a really good friend, I dunno....sometimes....I just dunno.....so now, the exams'll be over, and I can start with summer, and we'll see what summer brings me, we'll see if I survive, and we'll see how mike is doing.....we'll see....we'll see......for now, I'll just cry and wish to die.....goodnight and goodbye.....

Chapter 120, YYYYEEEEEHHHHAAAAHHH! 6/8/2001

I'm just downloading, "school's out for summer" cos well, it almost is!!!! hehe, 2 more exams n' I'm outta there! 2 more weeks and I'll be tanning in california with my best buddies, n' wonderful mike....speaking of mike, where is he? He hasn't come online for what, 17 days now??? Hmmmm I hope he's alright....bein all the way over there I dunno how he is.....poor guy..... well, I'm all ready n' rarin to go! WOAH! the hippie song! hehehe done downloading, n' now I'm listening to, "SCHOOOOOOL's out for summer! schooooool's out, foreva!" WAHOOOOO!!!! ok, so I'm getting my hopes up too high too soon.......BUT WAHOOOOO it's almost done!!!! I'm gonna go wacko on the last exam, which is math n' so I'll already be wacko after that shit's done! I'm off to go watch this wacked movie, hehehehe, byeeeee! "NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS! YYEEEEAAAAHHH!"

Chapter 119, NEED DIET HELP! tee hee!!!! 6/5/2001

Ok, I just looked in the mirror n' practically screamed, HAHA, I'm gettin fat! YIPES! not gewd.....damned depression has the price of food wanting!!! EEGAD! Weeeelll, if u know ne good tips, can u tell me? cos well, i'm stupid! hehehe, I just want sum ideas cos mah mom isn't very good with helping me, saying if I got ne fatter I'd need to sit in the middle of the airplane n' buy 2 seats, to keep the plane stable n' to keep comfortable......I hate my family so much...... AAANNNYYYYWWWWAAAAYYYYZZZZ, I was watching this movie called, "borderline normal" it's sooooo good, n' it makes me think of my family..... how my mom n' dad split my brother n' I up, how my mom constantly gets mad at me for no reason, n' starts ranting on about my dad n' how he's a bastard, n' how my dad's trying to buy back my love, it's all just so confusing! N' the worst part is, my mom, my dad, and my gramma, are using my brother n' I to get their way in life.....ARG! Well, maybe if I lose some weight, n' move on with my life, I can ignore the rest of my family n' just move away........ Talk t'ya'll lata! N' thanx!

Chapter 118, California, Summer Fun! 6/5/2001

Summer's coming - do you have any special plans for your summer vacation? Yup I do! After these exams are over, it'll be off to california....ahhh....with my good friends, Sarah, Jenny, Jen, Mike, TB, and James.....Michelle couldn't come because her grandparents were having their 50th anniversary, we'll miss her a lot....Soooo, what do we have planned? Constant fun in the sun! Yahoo! n' most likely us hyper people'll continue to give americans the impression that all canadians are pretty crazy, hehehe.....This is going to be just amazing....but I just hope that everyone can just get along for that week! hehe, my friends don't exactly get along with eachother, n' I guess I don't either after a while....but hopefully we'll work things out, I mean, it's a week of craziness, no one should be in a bad mood....*knock on wood* Ohhhh....I can't wait, just a couple more weeks.... I feel bad I didn't bring along Egberts, I mean he was on the list and all, but no one wanted to go if he was going....poor guy....I don't know why all of a sudden I'm feeling bad for him, but I am.....maybe we'll bring him back something, like we will do for Michelle :) So after California, I return home to only be forced off to Ireland with the gramma whom I hate....why do I hate her? Because she forgives her son for abandoning his family, she doesn't care about me and my brother, the two of them using us just to keep them closer together....I mean, they send me off to ireland n' return my brother whom they took to my mom, n' take him back when i get back, I HATE THEM! All they do is think about themselves, n' I have a good idea that my dad's sending us away so he and his whore Valery can have a fun 2 weeks.....I hate my dad n' his mom, mommas boy n' bitch from hell are working side by side to get what they want....and I can't say no, i can't say, i have my own life n' I don't want to go, because my gramma knows I have a conscience and she knows it would kill me to hurt her....bitch..... But besides that, i think this is going to be a good summer, a summer of adventure, a summer of love, a summer of sadness, a summer of new beginnings.....this is the step into the future for me, and I'll sit here awaiting what fate has planned for me.....

Chapter 117,The War of the Monkeys & Bunnys 6/4/2001

"God I'm useless, God I hate myself I hate myself..." I just don't know what to do anymore.....once again I'm ignoring the real life problems and focusing on my bf life...do you think it would be wrong to go with TB to a game place? I mean....we're both just friends, and we're both pretty sad with our love lifes....I think it would be good to get to know eachother, he's a good friend. Just i feel bad because he is a guy....and well, drats why am I so faithful to mike? my gramma thinks I'm an idiot cos of this....it's just cos I love him so much... On another note, today's my first exam....my english exam, I'll just do whatever, fail the damn thing if I must n' get out....I want these things over with.... I'm listening to this song over and over again, Stabbing Westward's, "Sometimes It Hurts..." You know what? I have to get over this, I'm young, I can't torture myself over someone.....I just can't.....no matter how much I worry and care about him....but I just don't want his dad to pass away....i really don't....I just want to protect all those whom I love in a little bubble, no one dies, no one cries, and we laugh and have fun all day.... But since that place doesn't exhist.....I might as well end it now....I don't want to hurt anyone, so I might as well leave this world and let mike have a normal girlfriend, and let TB get on with his life cos I know his true gf is waiting out there for him.... *the war of the monkeys & bunnys, that's just a part of the two guys' nicknames....*

Chapter 116, Am I The Devil??? 6/3/2001

Ok.....well TB just asked me to go to the D&B with him....what am I gonna do? is this like the same as if I were going with Jenny or is this wrong? I mean, with mike n' all, I don't want to be doing anything bad....and I know that there r a few guys who want to go out with me, but I'm so faithful to mike, that it makes them so jealous.....what am I to do? and I promised not to talk about mike ne more, but I need help here, please help!

Chapter 115, What I've Left Out....Me...... 6/3/2001

Ok, for so long I've talked about just Mike, not even myself, and Jon decided to point out maybe it's time I stop....Mike may be my angel who has saved the day, but I can't worry about him 24/7, it's not healthy.....I should focus on myself for a while....Just me...So maybe I should fill you in on the latest shit.... Well, lately things have been good at school, really good. Ignoring the cruel comments made from Jen, we can get along pretty well, and so can Michelle and I, and I always get along with Jenny, just not on those PMS days....haha...anyways, things have been good too between me, egberts, TB, and Jamez....when i'm not with the girls, I hang around the guys, hehe....it's like I'm a zoologist stepping into the lion's territory trying to fit in, and it's fun! Ya never know what's going to happen next..... But what about the bad things going on? Well....my gramma dorothy is forcing my to go to ireland for 2 weeks, along with the help on my bastard dad, n' those 2 weeks are going to be full of, "forgive your dad," "move to california" fun fun....NOT! soooo, I've just gotta go with it n' cry for 2 whole weeks while I'm there....I want them all to leave me alone, my whole dad's side of the family, telling me to move on...well I'd love to move on but you're all in my way! JEEZ! Oh ya, n' I can't forget about the ultimate stress of all, this week just so happens to be exam week! AHHH! I'm also pissed cos my school just might be kicking me out, the bastards, cos they don't want to put in the math class for dummies...seein as how there's only three of us, so they think they can kick us three out! WELL KISS MAH ASS! grrrr.....I'm just so pissed..... I think I'm turning into a major hard rock person, my music keeps getting darker and darker and more depressing.....I'm not sure why....I miss the days when all was good and I was happy and had no worries or cares.....when I listened to people like BSB, n' thought the whole world was just great....now I just wish it was all over n' I could just move on.....everything is a new sadness.... Anyways, now I've talked about what's really going on with me, and ya know what? it feels good to let is all out again.....ahhhh it's like I just went to the bathroom, HAHAHA sorry for my oddness there! well, gotta go, talk t'ya lata good ol' diary!

Chapter 114, I am a girl who hates to cry, (poem) 6/3/2001

I AM I am a girl, who hates to cry, I wonder if love exists, I hear the music beating like my heart, I see the glass wolf, a gift to me, I want someone who will love me for me, I am a girl, who hates to cry, I pretend that I’m not sad, I feel like someone stabbed me 100 times, I touch the hearts breaking above my head, I worry about the future for both you, and me I cry because you’re not here with me, I am a girl, who hates to cry, I understand why my father left, I say hurtful things to get him back, I dream of the day that you are back, I try to do my best to please everyone, I hope that you love me like I love you, I am a girl, who hates to cry ~Shannon~

Chapter 113, My Life Has Been Wasted.... 6/2/2001

I've wasted this year away talking all about mike, all about him, and then I think to myself, does he have a diary out there and talk about just me every once in a while? Then something like this happens, and I know he doesn't....I read his e-mails and tears end up in my eyes...I think of all the good times we had before they sent him away to that school, how many times he e-mailed me a day, and how the e-mails shortened from one to 15 a day all the way down to maybe one a month....I think of what my dad did while he was away on trips and fell for someone else....maybe that has now happened to me, my mother and I, so trusting, waiting here for our men to return home.....Im' stupid.....yup, truly I'm a stupid moron.....I'm falling even more in love with you, and I don't know what to do...I hear the song "hanging by a moment" on the radio about 15 times a day, it's just there to remind me how much I love you and everyday how much it hurts inside me to not see you....and I wonder, maybe out there you're talking about me to ure friends saying how great I am, like I about you with my friends....I think about the movie, "10 things I hate about you" and cry because the poem is so true......I cry all the time and now I know what it's like to be a real women, constantly crying because she is so confused because the guy doesn't realise what all of this is doing to them....and maybe Mike is hurt, maybe something happened to his dad and I can't help him....I am powerless to protect him....and I think back to the day when the first thought it my head when the guy tried to beat up mike was, "i would indeed die for you..." as I almost got involved and I inched closer and closer in between them....and the guy saw the fear in my eyes and left well enough alone.....I know I'd give my life to mike could live, I would too....and I'd give my life so that his father would live, I'd give my life for his life to be happy and fulfilled....and why? all because of this goddamn stupid thing called love! I hate it, because all it does is cause pain and frustration......gealousy and sadness......and when I do finally see him.....well it's a whole new story, it's like my life suddenyl took a turn upside down, a complete 360 and I remember how good it feels to be near him...."and everytime that I touch you, you feel so far away, hey....and everytime that you need me, I feel so far away!" what if he needs me right now and I can't be there for him? if I could drive i'd be there as fast as I could....I'd be in my car speeding, and I would give a rats ass if a cop said I was going too fast because I needed to get there faster than anything....I wouldn't care if I got in a car crash and needed to get to the hospital, I'd say, "hospital later, school now" and get the ambulance to get me there to see him just before I died....yup, my life has been wasted, this year has been wasted, and I'm happy I wasted it on mike n' not some other guy, I'm glad because I love mike, and no matter what he does to hurt me, even if he did something so wrong no one would forgive him, I'd forgive him, and love him still.....because I wasted a whole year on him for a reason, my life hasn't been wasted in a bad way, I watsed it on him because I care, worry, and love him so much......and each tear I shed, apart of it had joy in it for knowing him....so if he hates me for writing this, fuck that, because it's all true and I wish he knew all of this.....

Chapter 112, Is He Ignoring Me??? *sob* 6/2/2001

Ok, so it hurt when he left, it hurts while I wait till he comes home, but it hurts more not talking to him.....maybe he's found my diary, and hates me now, or maybe one of my friends decided to tell him a horrible rumour n' now he hates me.....why hasn't he talked to me in days? no msging, no e-mails, nothing.....I think it's been 14 days now since I heard from him last and seeing him for once on MSN made my heart skip a beat, but, he logged off.....a tear streamed down my cheek....I should've known it was too good to be true, I'm being shut out again, he hates me and I know it....and I'm stuck here the fool just like my mom in love...they're all the same, just like my dad.....now I just want to crawl up in a ball and die for being so stupid, WHY AM I STUPID?! *sobs bitterly* maybe I'll just screw all of this and stick with being alone for the rest of my life, I can't let my heart be so stupid all the time thinking, "maybe this is the one!" but no....all i'm left with it sadness and a pain in my heart, and maybe it's just me PMSing.....or maybe i'm right.....maybe for once I've come to my senses and see the light, I'm thinking clearly for once.....why does the world hate me? why? I love you mike, and even if you don't love me, I'll still love you.....

Chapter 111, Further and Further You Go.... 6/2/2001

"And everytime that I touch you, you feel so far away, hey....and everytime that you need me, I feel so far away....." I don't know what to do anymore, mike's so far away from me and I worry so much, I worry how he's doing, what he's doing, if he's hurt, if he's ok, if he's crying, if he's laughing, just what he's doing.....why must we be split up like this???? and everytime I see him we get further and further apart.....it's like we're in two different worlds....maybe I should lose some weight too while he's gone, maybe then he'll notice me, or somebody.....I want to cry everytime I look at one of his gifts.....I miss him so much and he doesn't know it! My head hurts so much from all of this, and now I'm afraid I've lost him somewhere, and I want to just go back to last summer and remember how perfect we were.....and I just don't know what to do anymore.....when I see him after school's done with, I'm just going to hold him and never let go, well, ya I will, but I won't let him go too far! hehe.....I have a feeling some guys I know want him to leave me though so they can get with me, but I'm not sure, I mean, I love em to death all of em, but I mean, they're not my type.....now I see what happens when my friends go out with someone n' say they weren't their type n' dump the guy, I've never been through that until now....I guess I can now think of love as that you're so scared of losing them, you write about them everyday in your diary hoping your diary'll hold onto that person for you....Well diary, you better hold onto my mike, or I'd just die....seriously I would......

Chapter 110, Sometimes it Hurts... 5/31/2001

Exams are a confusing time, time away from Mike is a confusing time, with these two back to back, it's making everyone wierd....Sarah leaving TB has made it a confusing time, every day I question my heart, why so much pain just for me? Why am I going through a confusing time? I'm drowning in my own confusion and I can't get myself out....no matter how many times I watch the movie "Boys and Girls" and cry about the fact they say long distance relationships don't work, I can't do anything about it.....I just want to be with Mike as yu can tell looking through my diary.....looking through my confusion...."Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love....." OWWW, it's hurting, am I losing him? Am I losing myself in all of this? What's happening? Is he sad? Is he scared, alone, cold, hurt, why is he so far away at that school?! WHY!? WHY!? It hurts right down to the very pit of my stomach, maybe even down to my toes, everywhere, why??? And when I talk to my other friends, I get closer and closer, and yet so far away from the one I actually love.....

Chapter 109, OWWW! It Hurts! 5/28/2001

"I know the pieces fit, cos I watched them fall away...." Jeez this hurts.....Well, I know my diary was just recently rated perfect, so why aren't I happy? I was just talking with TB....I'll show you the conversation.....you'll see why I'm hurting, but I''ll write more comments at the bottom to further explain what's happened.... TB: besides i wanna make out w./ chica ona plane an drive jen nuts 4 sport Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that'd be sooooooooo hilarious! Jen: "shannon! what're they doing?!" "well Jen, when two people start dating, they go through this, n' then just like ure mom they end up having babies" "where do baby's come from?" "AAAHHHHH!!!!""" Me: that'd be soooo funny, n' havin to sit through sum disney movie while u n' sarah r makin out in the back, AHAH TB: should i do dat if i go? Me: ya! go ahead! TB: seriously???????? Me: well I'll feel all left out n' end up feelin awquard not bein able to look at mike, but what u wanna do u can do! LOL TB: maybe..................................... TB: i'll c if i can work mah majic w./ chica TB: maybe it'll give mike sum "direction" though, u neva know Me: heheheheh that'd be funny Me: jeebus,I don't think mike even wants ta kiss me, I mean who would? 80P TB: maybe....................just maybe......................... TB: perhaps i should not answer that question for fear of loss of lower extremities from chica Me: LOL, ya don't hafta answer dat, LMAO.....chica n' I were in the car when mike left n' she saw him n' I hug n' he got outta the car n' I started cryin, n' it wuz like the whole drive home sarah wuz tryin to tell me he wuz just shy, n' I just felt so shitty........ thaz why i suggest u do whatcha want on da plane! :) :) TB: allo? TB: oic TB: i think u should talk 2 him bout it Me: maaaaaybe.....EEEHHHHHHHH TB: seriously though................c wat he hasta say bout it Me: I think it'd be mean of me, we'll see how cali goes.....we'll see.....says the blind man..... TB: maybe TB: now forgive me 4 sayin this but if u really wanna bf who kisses u etc. etc. maybe mike is not the rite guy fo u TB: i know it seems not tru but think about that.............. Me: ya....I often end up thinkin that.....no offence to him, but when he leaves for so long n' I just end up sad, I just wonder....n' I think cali'll just open up the doors n' tell me the truth is it or is it not meant to be..... TB: perhaps TB: an just fo the record shannon, i won't name ppl but there r many who would wanna kiss u TB: just so u know Me: awwww thankyou......*shannon hopes one of those people is Brendan Fehr n' drifts off into immagination* haha! JKJK....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And now you see why I'm sad and confused.....TB's being so nice and I'm closer with him, Jamez and Egberts than Mike, and I'm not sure what to do! And the more he's away the more I feel him falling from me......I love him so much! and my heart is aching!!!

Chapter 108, Schism.....Broken.....Crying Again.. 5/26/2001

I found it so wierd when I turned on the radio to hear this song, it played for what seemed like forever, the song felt like it was playing the feelings inside me....turning my mind off, I listened till it ended....it took me weeks to find the name of this song that left my heart aking, and wishing that it knew the lyrics, it was, "Schism" by Tool....I downloaded the lyrics right after that, because I couldn't understand a word he was saying, but I knew I had to find them, I knew there was a deeper meaning to this and deep down I knew it was fate to find this song. Something inside me yelled out, "these are your lyrics! These describe you!" As I read the lyrics, a tear fell down, I was right....but it hurt so much to see these lyrics bring the truth to me. I mean, just last night I felt this, just last night the lyrics practically came to me, but Tool put it better.....Here they are, and maybe I'll read them over again....and again.....until I decide what I'm to do.... Schism I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing. Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication. I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over. To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication The poetry that comes from the squaring off between, And the circling is worth it. Finding beauty in the dissonance. There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away. Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication. Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any Sense of compassion Between supposed lovers/brothers

Chapter 107, For Once, This Isn't About Mike! 5/26/2001

Well, I decided that i need to calm down, everyday I write about mike, I mean every goddamn day! as Jon so kindly pointed out that I should call 1-800-Mikey n' get a 12 step program to get myself out of this. hhehe.... well, I wanted to just talk about yesterday, when we were filming a small section of the book, "the glass menagerie." I was Amanda, and Egberts was Tom, (just so you know, and just to make Jon go craaayyyzeee, Egberts' name is Mike! hahaha *hugs Jon* i'm sorry hun! I just had to!) AAANNNYYYWWWAAAYYYYZZZ......what I had to do in this skit was have an arguement with Egberts, back and forth yelling, and michelle started to come up with some really funny things...there was the bi*ch slap I had to do when in the middle I, "Amanda" got really pissed at Egberts, "Tom." Michelle demonstrated the bi*ch slap many times on Egberts for me, and ti wuz hilarious! only the poor guy had marks all over his arms and face, awwww....then we got a rest and I crashed on the rocking chair, n' Egberts crashed on the floor....all while Michelle and Derek worked out the problems in the film. Back to work! Egberts gave me a hand like a true gentleman out of my rocking chair, n' I got back to yelling at him. There was one moment in time while I was yelling at him though, when he was right in front of me, I thought my stomach was going to do a summersault, I don't know what happened there....but I just kept my Mike in mind, and the film finished beautifully with no problems. I got to wear a little skarf for a hat, because this was a long time ago, and then they wore this stuff, hehe. I put it over my head, and Egberts led me around the house, me blindfolded I didn't know where I was going, and then I ran into Michelle, laughing, i fell to the floor. Ahhhh this night was truly fun. I just had to remind my stomach that just because this guys name was mike, didn't at all mean he was mike! hehe....Well, now that I've finished talking about something besides Mike, I ended up connecting things with mike, i'm sorry Jon, i just couldn't make an entry without talking about mike.....I just....don't....have the....power! AHHHH! Well, I'm off, gott aget back to studyin for good ol' ExAmS!!!! Live Ya'll!

Chpater 106, All I Want is For You To Stay.... 5/24/2001

Well, yet another day goes by, "countdown as the weeks trickle into days..." I'm listening to this song by Powder Finger, "My Happiness" and I swear to God the person who wrote this took it from my confusing mind and put my confusing thoughts into words.....Would you like to read the lyrics? Of course you would! Cos this is my entry for today.....this is how I feel.... Ps. Yes I know he says click of your heals on the concrete, ok, so songs don't describe me absolutely perfectly.....LOL, I doubt Mike would wear heals, so peoples, you'll have to understand this was a guy who wrote this song.....but besides the heals, this song suits me fine, hehe. Powder Finger, "My Happiness" I see your shadow on the street now, I hear you push through the rusty gate, the click of your heals on the concrete, waiting for a night coming way to late, it seems like ages since I've seen ya, coundown as the weeks trickle into days, and so you come in and put your bags down, I know there's something in the air, and how can I do this to you right now? When you over there when I need you here, My Happiness, is slowly creeping back, now you're at home, and if it ever, starts sinkin in, it must be when you, pack up and go... It seems like ages since I've seen ya, countdown as the weeks trickle into days, I hope that time hasn't changed ya, all I really want is for you to stay, and so you come in and put your bags down, I know there's something in the air, and how can I do this to you right now? If you're over there when I need you here, My Happiness, is slowly creeping back, now you're at home, and if it ever, starts sinkin in, it must be when you, pack up and go... I know, I know, I know, what is inside, and I know I know I know what is inside, I know I know I know what is inside, I know I know I know what is inside, If you're over there when I need you here, My Happiness, is slowly creeping back, now you're at home, and if it ever, starts sinkin in, it must be when you, pack up and go... My Happiness, is slowly creeping back, now you're at home, and if it ever, starts sinkin in, it must be when you, pack up and go...

Chapter 105, We Are Strong, But We're Dumb.... 5/21/2001

I'm listening to Finger Eleven's, "Above." I'm trying to think about how stupid I'm being right now...I mean, there's something wierd with me right now. Everytime I talk with Mike, I get this stomach ache and it hurts so bad, and I think I know why it's happening.....Everytime I talk with him, inside I know I'll only be saying goodbye to him soon, back to his boarding school....God I miss him! And it's so wierd, I mean, I don't miss anyone like this, just him....That's why I'm banging my head against the table, because I'm so confused! "Cos I'm afraid to be alone....afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone....and I'm afraid to come back home..." I'm just singing along to Staind, "Home" right now, trying to think of other things, but it's just making me sadder. I know I love him so much, just I planned that love would come when I turned 18, I never thought.....arg......well at least I know I love him, and now my diary's turned into the Mike diary, I've completely ignored every other aspect of my life because Mike is #1 in my life....darnditall.....n' he's so....so perfect! I've never known any one so perfect! Well, I'm gonna go, n' stop takin bout how perfect mike is, and save the rest for another day.....

Chapter 104, (Part 2) 5/17/2001

Then one day he asked me to come with him to Wonderland, and I didn't knwo what to say....this was on paper by the way, cos we knew not to talk.....so I wrote the wierdest thing! "ochay" HAHAHA I'm stupid.....but we went, and I had the best time of my life! I decided to introduce him to the rest of my friends one day after summer school was over for my birthday party. It's something I just do with my boyfriends, like an acceptance test. He was immediately accepted and liked by everyone, well, everyone except my ex. hehe. Figures. So the two of them hated eachother, that's not a bad thing, and well, Mike kicked the crap out of him. Yet another test of mine, show that you're better than the last, and just as I knew Mike was perfect. Yup, I swear he was as perfect as perfect could be. Then, almost to show me that he did the same thing, I was introduced to his friends on his birthday. One of them I knew from when i was little, and that was truly freaky. I just think of how freaky it is how connected we are. He knows Michelle's friends, and I know his friend and his friend's friends.....it's like an ongoing circle....and if only I had traced that circle I could have found him earlier. Anyways, his party was a blast, and still I loved him more.....but soon this would end I was sure of it....he was off to boarding school, and I back to reality....but we didn't break up! Everyday I wrote to him, telling him how much I missed him....and he wrote back, and to this day everyonce in a while I look back on those e-mails and see how far we've come. As the school year started, I remembered what had happened....my dad was gone....I cried everynight that month about everything, but decided, I had to move on. It was then that I met Michelle, and Jenny, Jen, James and I put her in our group of friends....I also met Egberts, and then TB. Our closely knit group was as strong as anything. Michelle went out with TB, and I got a view of what other relationships were like. I also got a view of what a failed relationship was like when they broke up. I was glad that Mike and I moved slow, still having not kissed, but look what moving fast gets you, it just puts you in a place where you ask yourself, where do we go from here? And so the relationship ends. Mike came home every month for a visit, and every month I would be so happy....but I must admit, the first 2 months were the hardest....Being without him for two months until the next holiday had to hurt the most. I missed him so much and I couldn't handle being separated from him. But now, I realise that each visit is so special because I see just how much I love and miss him, making the visits just so much more special. Christmas came, and I had to go on a trip with my brother, my mom, and my ex dad....We all went skiing and this had to be the worst trip I'd ever been on. It was nothing but yelling and being told to forgive him for what he had done....I just couldn't. I wanted to get home as soon as possible, and away from this monster who I once called my father. When I came home, Mike gave me the sweetest present, and I hold on to it to this day. This gorgeous wolf on a stone. It's my good luck charm, which I will be using in the exams! Also a poster, which hangs on my wall. Days went by, and I missed him more, and so I started this diary. Which I look back on and think just how depressed and broken I was. The stresses and problems with my dad, my friends, missing Mike, had shattered me. I had no hope, and no longer wanted to live. But Mike was the light in my life and was the light that guided me to live on. Every holiday was like a re-birth for me. I got to relax, see Mike, and for once stop thinking about my dad....and Easter, which was the time for new beginning I decided to make a few changes in my life. To stop caring about my dad, to forget about him, to not even think of him as my dad any more....to stop believin in God, although I still say, "Bless you" and other little habits of which I haven't gotten rid of. I thought long and hard about this decision, but it seems to clear after I was done. I just thought of this world as it, and Mike my guardian angel was here to help me along the way, as I was here to help him along the way. Even his name is symbolic, Michael, isn't that an angel in the bible? Then again, I'm not into the whole religion thing, but still, I must say his name means something to me. He means everything to me. And days went by and I find myself here, looking back on what has happened to me over the years.....Thinking to myself, how did I get here? And I see that through everything, Mike has been there for me. Not my friends, not my family, Mike.....and I hope he knows how important he is to me, and when that hick almost beat him up, I felt the urge to give up my life for him. I moved in front and was prepared to let those five guys take me instead of Mike. they were big too, but it showed me just how much I loved him....and when he was to get his surgery, I cried and asked myself, what is wrong with me? What is happening? And so I have concluded that this year was both the most upsetting, happy, and confusing year of my life, and as it draws to a close as I enter a new summer of wonders, I think of just how happy I was when this all started, and how happy I am today now that it's getting better. This was the most mushiest entry I've ever written, but I feel good now that i've looked back on my year and seen what I've done, and remembered the fun times, the bad time, the sad times, the happy times......Have a great summer!

Chapter 104, Looking Back On This Year.... 5/17/2001

Summer is nearing, and I want to think about what it was like at this time of year for me. I want to remember my thoughts, my feelings, what was going on, what I was doing, how it all was exactly one year ago.....This is in memory of the events, of the tragedies, of the wonders of this year, as I move onto yet another summer..... This time last year, I was thinking of the exams, thinking of just how amazingly boring summer was going to be....I knew Brander was still trying to ruin my life, he hated me more than ever, and had recently turned many of my friends against me...I knew at this time if I didn't pass the math exam, I would fail math and be forced into summer school. What a painful feeling this was, to know that I couldn't do math, to know that I had failed....After the math exam, I was told I had failed....I didn't care, it was just summer school after all.....Then, tragedy struck right before I was off to summer school....right on my birthday. My parents were getting a divorce....I had just turned 15, and this day seemed to have turned upside down. I went from 15 to 5 in a matter of seconds with just those words piercing through my heart.....at first I didn't understand, but that night, I cried for the longest time.....longer than ever before.... It was time for summer school....time for more sadness. I walked in that school like a terrified little mouse, not knowing what to do or where to go....I decided to walk in with my mom, and how sad is that when I walk in with my mom? Pretty damn sad....I stood in those halls for what seemed like an eternity, and I can still remember the smell, it was almost.....it smelt like not sweet, but a cross between summer smells, and locker stench.....The teacher opened the door, and in I walked....I sat furthest from everyone, on the right hand side in the middle. There weren't many people in here, so I felt alone....The teacher said some people were missing, and that someone was already using my seat. Too bad, this was mine, I wanted the side. Some kid named Mike was beside me, and my heart jumped. A guy, I never have met before, was going to be sitting here, next to me, tomorrow. For that rest of the class I thought of nothing else. Was he tall? Did he have blue or brown eyes? What colour hair did he have? Was he a rocker, punk, gino, or pop type of person? What was his family like? And the questions went on.....I completely put the depression out of my mind and thought only about summer school and Mike. To pass the time, I studied every person around me. One boy was really big, but seemed to have a good heart. The guys behind him were really hot, and one looked like Fred Durst. The guys behind them seemed to be the trouble makers, as I soon was proved later on during that month when they were expelled from that summer school. It seemed the room was full of guys, but there were two girls behind me who looked like they were 20 who kept asking me questions. I didn't know the answers, but for a laugh I gave them the wrong answers. A guy and a girl sat in front of me, and the girl was awfully pretty, just wasn't all that nice...I was so lonely sitting there that day, I just wanted this month to go by as fast as possible.... The next day, I walked through those terrifying halls again, all alone....I wondered if Mike was sitting in his seat right now, and one last time I pictured him....I sat down in my seat....no Mike yet. Class started and my heart sank, I guess I wasn't meeting him today, just another lonely day in this hell-hole. Wait, what was that? The door opened, and in walked a guy with brown hair, great clothes too, asking where he was to sit.....seing as how I took his seat. So he was told to sit next to me. He didn't look like a public school boy, he still looked amazingly young, and that's how we private school people are. We look younger than we are. I looked at him as best I could without being seen. He sat down and pulled out his books. Beginning to work, I so badly wanted to say something to him. Damn teacher, he would see while teaching his boring lesson....so I waited, and finally I couldn't take it any more, besides, he looked kind of nervous himself. I made a funny remark about the teacher, my head was spinning so fast, to this day I can't remember what exactly I said to him. He said, "what?" And I said it again, he sort of laughed, and worked some more. Then we got talking, but quietly so that the stupid teacher didn't hear us. And so began our friendship. Everyday was wonderful, I didn't even care about being at that summer school, all I could think about was Mike....and everyday I wished that he would ask me out....so I dropped subjects like Wonderland, and other fun places. We talked about our pets, how his washer machine broke, and what schools we went to.....He was in a private school, just as I thought. The only two private school kids managed to find eachother. It was like fate had planned all of this, and I'm glad the fates did. He liked the same music as me, and was so incredibly funny. Everyday was just hilarious. And every morning I looked for him and walked with him up to class. Finally we got caught one day for talking, and the teacher did something I wish never happened. It was too embarassing, and I'm sure my face was red...."Shannon, Mike, you two seem to be getting close there." He knew that would shut me up, but I had to bite my finger so that I could stop laughing out of my embarassment.

Chapter 103, Cancers and Virgos 5/13/2001

As usual my horoscope speaks the truth, and as well does my Cancer and Virgo thing match up quite right...Well, why doncha take a look see? hehe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your sweetheart may throw you a roundhouse curve in the next few days. While you could just take the pitch and wait for the next, you could also bang it out of the park. So steady yourself, read their eyes and movements and get ready to really show them what you are made of. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Cancer and Virgo come together, it creates a strong and down-to-earth relationship that will only grow stronger with time. Both Signs are goal-oriented and disciplined. Cancer and Virgo are sincere and devoted to each other, and both have a strong sense of purpose. They admire each other: Virgo respects Cancer's quiet strength and dedication while Cancer appreciates Virgo's ability to adapt to a given situation. This is a relationship that may take time to develop, but it will get stronger. The Cancer-Virgo duo is based on common sense and strong principles. These partners can be materialistic, as they both enjoy the little comforts in life and in the home, but they are willing to work hard to succeed. Difficulties can arise if Virgo is too critical for Cancer's easily-bruised feelings; Cancer needs to understand that this is Virgo's nature and not a personal attack. Virgo might dislike Cancer's stubborn streak, but can learn to be patient and understanding of the Crab's nature. Additionally, Virgo enjoys indulging Cancer -- the Virgo commitment to service combines well with Cancer's love of nurturing, thus pleasing both partners. Cancer is ruled by the Moon and Virgo is ruled by Mercury. Both of these Planets are close to the Sun, so they're always in the same neighborhood even though they are very different. The Moon is matriarchal; it's about cultivation and nurturing, both of which are important to Cancer. Mercury is communication, and it's androgynous -- Virgo will take on the form that it chooses. Virgo has a more intellectual approach, but is adept at figuring out other people. Because of this, Virgo can quickly understand and become the devoted and the domestic partner that Cancer loves, and they won't argue about fulfilling each other's needs. Cancer is a Water Sign and Virgo is an Earth Sign. Earth Signs are about possessions, and the Cancer-Virgo partners usually surround themselves with comfortable, well-crafted things. The Water Sign relies on emotion and intuition, making Cancer the fueling force behind the relationship in a quiet way. Along with their desire to be prosperous, their love of a fancy home life ensures that this couple will work hard toward this shared goal. Additionally, they are a practical pair, and they rarely have problems caused by one partner's lack of control. Cancer is a Cardinal Sign and Virgo is a Mutable Sign. While Cancer tends to implement new ideas, Virgo likes to move from project to project as the feeling takes them. Because of their ubiquitous nature, it's easy for Virgo to find a place in Cancer's plans. Virgo can remember Cancer's plans, and eventually will make them produce something even if Cancer has moved on. The best aspect of the Cancer-Virgo relationship is their dedication to working towards the same goals. Both partners enjoy a stable home life and nice things, and Virgo likes helping Cancer achieve their goals. Their mutual interests make theirs a highly compatible relationship.

Chapter 102, The Best Thing..... 5/13/2001

What's so great about keeping this diary? What makes me keep writing? Why have I stayed so long, so long that I'm at chapter 102 of my life, going on and on about everyday, every stress and sadness in my life, and sharing every detail of a rare great day? Why do I keep going? Why do I keep living? Well, if it weren't for this diary, I'd for sure be lying in a grave right now. I wouldn't have realised how much I love Mike because I wouldn't have expressed myself....I wouldn't have realised the pain inside me of losing my dad to that other woman, and I wouldn't have gotten my anger out from dealing with friends who wish to hurt me from time to time....I would've lashed out with anger by hurting myself or someone else if it weren't for this diary....If it weren't for this diary, I wouldn't be able to say how worried I am about introducing Mike to Michelle, why did I do that? Michelle going on and on about how they're connected by their friends, and how much in common n' shit they have with eachother....Why is she doing this to me?!?! Well, that's it, you see if it weren't for this diary she'd be dead right now, and I as well, because this emptyness inside me is telling me something is missing, that I'm missing mike and he took something inside of me with him everytime he returns to his school for another month....Luckily this saturday I get to see him again, and Michelle'll see that Mike is not for the taking.....Why do their names have to be the same too? Everything about them is the same, and I just don't know what to do....I hate life, and I hate myself, cos I'm too ugly for anyone to love, how can Mike stand being near me? I have nothing to offer....I do nothing for him, I'm a bad girlfriend, I'm a pathetic person who doesn't have the right to live......See, that's why these diary's are good, I can let this all out, and I can show myself what an idiot I am....falling in love with Mike, what's love anyway? It only hurts like hell! I'm hurting so much! Why am I hurting, why? My stomach pains and I want Mike nearbye....why does Mike have to suffer, why is Mike's dad ill? Why can't I save Mike from falling? Why can't I save myself??? Why do I write? Because I do....and I think it's good....

Chapter 101, The Love Test... 5/13/2001

Yesterday at Michelle and Jen's birthday party, I thought of a way to see just how much my friends cared about me....I also wanted to get a kick out of the party, but still.....I needed to see Mike's eyes when I was going to do this, I needed to see my friend's eyes.....what was I doing? At midnight I was to jump into the pool with my clothes on in the freezing weather....everyone said jump, no one cared....but wait, I looked at Mike, he was worried, he cared...but he didn't wish to stop me. He came up to me and told me it was too cold to jump in, I looked at him and saw the concern in his eyes.....only he cared....but something odd happened after, James came up to me and said that I should just ignore everybody, don't jump in, and I saw the concern in his eyes....that was upsetting, because James worried about me, why? TB didn't worry, he wanted me to jump in just as much as everyone else, but he had some concern in his eyes....why did only the guys worry about me? Not my friends? Why did both James and Mike have the same paining look in their eyes??? I was content with the fact that Mike was the only one that cared about me, because he was indeed the only one there I cared about.....then again, I would be upset if James or TB decided to....why do we all care so much about eachother? Am I the girl in between the three guys? Is this like a Shannon sandwich? Hehe....well, now that Mike is returning back to school, I miss him even more....I just keep seeing his eyes....how they had the worried look in them....it pains me to see that in him, I don't want him to hurt....but right now there's something wrong with me, everytime he goes back for a long period of time to school, I get this pain in my stomach....like he ripped something out of me, and keeps it with him until he comes back....I want to throw up it hurts so bad....I try food, I try water, the space does not fill....I try hanging around friends, the space just feels worse....Mike, what did you take??? Why does this hurt so bad??? Come back, I'm hurting! I'm jumping into the pool, come back! Save me! I do feel like I'm falling, I just wish someone could save me before i hit the ground.....I'm still kind of upset that only three people cared if I suffered, and I'm confused to the fact that all these guys cared so much, but only one I loved and am with, and that it Mike....so why do TB and James care??? Maybe if I had jumped in, one of them would've saved me......and I wish it were Mike, because I would always save him....if anyone caused him pain, I would be there....Such as Friday, when that hick came up to Mike and threatened Mike to beat the shit outta him, c'mon they didn't even know eachother! But anyways, I was prepared to take Mike's beating....I walked over, almost in between the two, everything tingled inside, I was whole, I was happy, I didn't care if I died right there and then from this guys punch....I had love deep down inside of me, and no one could take it from me....no one but Mike that is....So what am I to do? I'm falling, and no one is catching me......