I sent Bec another email last night. I think she's reading them, at least I hope she is. So far none of them have bounced. I'm trying real hard to be optimistic, but just a simple "Hi, I'm fine, go away" would be better than nothing. I told her that if she couldn't talk to me, then she at least needed to let Sarah know how she is. I'm hoping I can guilt her into something. I stopped just short of telling her that I have her ring on a chain around my neck.

I emailed Sarah this morning. I'm such a coward, I created a new screen name and then deleted it after sending her a letter. I just need her to know that I'm all right. Who am I kidding? I know she'll tell him and I know that maybe, just for a moment, he'll feel better. But I am weeping, because I know him. I know he'll cry and that tears me apart. For all of his public-faced immaturity, he is deep; he has feelings that go beyond what others would ever suspect. God, this is killing me...

I heard from Becca yesterday. Nick read the message over and over again. He must have read it a hundred times. She didn’t give much but any little contact makes Nick feel better. She’s okay is all she said. I have my doubts about that. Still don’t know where she could be though. After Nick read the message and got over the initial shock and joy, he curled up beside me, put his head in my lap and cried. I’ve NEVER seen Nick like this. Howie was really sweet and left us alone so that I could comfort Nick. I’ve managed to convince him to let her go. If they are meant to be together, it’ll happen. I reminded him that Howie and I managed to get through our problems and we were together. He wasn’t too sure but he agreed to stop emailing her.

I talked to Howie the other day about my suspicions as to why Becca took off. He agreed that Nick needs to know and we’re not sure if we should be the ones to tell him. That’s something that Becca should tell him.

Sarah being here seems to have lifted everyone’s spirits…especially mine! She’s in our room now with Nick trying to comfort him. She got an email from Becca and I thought Nick was going to have heart failure when he saw it. I know the boy…man...read the damn message a million times and then he broke down and cried. There’s only one thing worse than seeing Sarah cry and that’s seeing Nick cry…or any man for that matter.

Sarah had an email from Becca yesterday. I know Sarah thinks I'm crazy, I can't tell you how many times I read that simple little letter. It was only a few lines, but I wanted to crawl through the screen just to feel closer to her. Howie is the best. I don't know where he disappeared to, but he had the decency to leave me alone while I cried on Sarah's lap. I love Becca so much, and I ache for her. I need her back. Sarah says I need to back off, maybe that if I give her some space she'll come around. Space? How much more fucking space does she need? Hell, she could be in another country by now. I'm tired, I really need to get some sleep.

God has a sense of humor. He *must* have to keep putting me through this living hell. But then, what a fitting punishment for what I've done. I laugh and it comes out a sob. What else can I possibly do to screw up my life even more? I know now that my initial fears of three months ago were unsubstantiated; I have the blood tests to prove it. Proof ... I wonder what he'd think if he knew what I know now? But he'll never know, will he? He can't. He was explicit with his feelings once before. To turn his world upside down now would serve no purpose.

My birthday and the guys ACTUALLY remembered. Howie was so sweet! He took me to a romantic dinner and gave me my birthday present. I think he was going to propose but when the topic of marriage came up, I told him I wanted to wait until I heard something from Becca. I could tell he wasn’t happy with that but he agreed. I feel so guilty being so happy and Nick hurting so much.

Nick sang ‘More Than That’ to me tonight while they were doing ‘The Tonight Show’. He wasn’t really singing to me though. He was seeing Becca’s face as he held my hand.

Man…Jay Leno is SUCH A CREEP! Howie didn’t get to say hardly anything…Howie’s a part of the group too!! I wanted to slap the man!!

It’s Sarah’s birthday and we did ‘The Tonight Show’!! We did ‘More Than That’ and Nick went out to Sarah and sang to her! He REALLY gets into that song. Anyway, I took Sarah out to eat and we talked about getting married again. She wants to wait until she finds Becca or Nick is over her. I’m not sure I can wait for Nick to get over Becca so she’d damn well better come back to Nick soon!! I’ll give it until after the Foundation’s Charity Benefit in June and then I’m proposing.

Nick has called me every day since I left the guys. He’s desperate for ANY news on Becca but, unfortunately, I can’t help him. I watch my email for her and the IM but no luck. The guys will be home in a couple days. Maybe she’ll call or I’ll see her online and can tell her how much he misses her. SOMETHING! I miss my best friend too!

I’m so excited to see Howie and the guys. I can’t wait to congratulate them on the World Music Award they won.

We have just over a month at home before we fly to Mexico and start that leg of the tour. Sarah is busy with the Foundation getting things ready for the benefit in June and Nick is pestering the hell out of her. She doesn’t mind but it’s really beginning to get on my nerves. I mean, I talked to the boy every day while we were out on the road and he JUST DID NOT listen. God…If he ONLY knew the REAL reason Becca left.

Every day is a little better. I walk with my head just a bit higher and no longer cease to breathe whenever I see a tall handsome man with light hair. I volunteer at a local shelter, it gives me purpose and I have met some special people. I'm working, too, part time at a local church. Can't seem to get away from it, can I? And at night I am drawn to the chat rooms. He looks good. I cruise the message boards and look for hours at the concert pictures. I only saw the first ones, in Ft. Lauderdale. I never made it to the ones after Tampa because .... well, you know why. I'm exhausted. A glass of milk and then off to bed.

April         Bittersweet Interlude Index          The Dance Saga Index