Part 109
Nick pulled out the clothes he would be wearing to the funeral home, all the while keeping a watchful eye on Becca. Even though she insisted she was fine, he knew her too well and could tell that underneath the brave front she was putting up for Sarah she was having a difficult time holding herself together. He really didn't have a clue how to help her, but he was hoping instinct would kick in at some point. Sarah's dad had filled in a few of the missing pieces as they'd played ball earlier and it all gave him a new admiration for the woman she'd become.
Becca's mother had died when she was only five years old, leaving her to be raised by her father. That she had matured into the graceful young woman Nick had married was a testament to his selflessness and hard work. Garrett Morgan had never remarried, and was killed in a car accident Becca's sophomore year in college. Alone and at loose ends, Sarah's family had invited her into their home for Thanksgiving that year and it had been a tradition that had endured for every other major holiday since. Sarah's parents had fulfilled a void in Becca's life and provided a stability that was now broken.
"Bec?" Nick whispered, thinking she'd fallen asleep.
"It's ok, I’m awake." Stretching, she rolled onto her back, wincing and struggling for breath. "Ok, bad move," she smiled, rolling onto her other side.
"Junior giving you a hard time today?" Nick grinned.
"No, *she's* not. I just can't lie on my back anymore; I'm getting too big. God, Nick, I'm huge and I still have two months to go."
Nick had spent enough years being the insecure one of the group to know that her frustration with her size was misplaced anger and a lot of other emotions she didn't know how to cope with. Great, now he was being the analyst of the group? He sighed, sitting beside her on the bed. "Baby, you're not that big. I think you look great."
Becca smiled, patting his hand. "I love you, Nick, and thank you. I know what you're trying to do and I appreciate it, my head's just a little messed up right now."
"You gonna be ok tonight?"
She sighed once again, lying back with her arm over her eyes. "I don't know," she answered in a small voice. "I mean, I never had to do this before. When my mom died, I was too little and daddy didn't let me go with him. I stayed with Aunt Janet that night. When daddy died, he was cremated. The accident was too horrific for us to have a visitation, so …"
"So you've never actually done this before. Bec, I'm sorry." He stretched out beside her on the bed, pulling her head to rest on his shoulder. "I don't know what to do for you baby, this is new to me, too."
"Just be there with me Nicky. Hold my hand and be there." She closed her eyes, silent tears falling from her eyes and onto his chest.
They lay together in silence, putting off getting dressed until the last possible minute.
Finally, Howie knocked softly on their door to let them know the cars were waiting.
*******************
Sarah and her family, and Becca and Nick arrived at the funeral home a half an hour ahead of the scheduled time for visitation. They knew this would be their last chance to spend quiet time together before the service the next morning and Sarah knew that Becca needed time to come to grips with her mother's death. She'd made her peace the day before, but Becca was about to come face to face with a full host of buried memories.
"You ready, Bec?" Sarah whispered.
Becca remained quiet, her eyes fixed on the scene that awaited her. The main room was set up to receive visitors, and the lighting was soft and muted. Quiet, non-descript music played in the background and the scent of flowers was almost overwhelming. There is just no easy way to face the death of a loved one, and certainly no easy way to say your good-byes face to face.
Becca took a deep breath and stepped forward, pulling Nick along by the hand. She took only a few steps before stopping and beginning to tremble.
Sarah looked back at Nick and shook her head. She took Becca's hand from Nick's and squeezed reassuringly. "Nick, let me do this," she asked, "please?"
"Sarah, are you sure? You shouldn't have to-"
Sarah shook her head. "No, I'm fine. Let me help her, Nick." Sarah smiled at Nick to let him know she was really all right, and then gently pulled Becca to the front where her mother lay.
Both women stood silently and Sarah had no way of knowing what was going through Becca's mind, but the longer she was silent the more concerned she became. The sounds of friends beginning to arrive drifted through the doorway and still they stood locked in silence.
Sarah finally broke the silence. "Bec, it's ok to hurt. I miss her, too." As she spoke she felt Becca's shoulders begin to shake and when she turned to look, she saw her face contorted with grief, trying desperately to hold in the flood of emotion. "Oh sis, come here," she whispered, pulling Becca into her arms as she gave in to her grief and sobbed. Sarah wept with her, silently hurting for the pain Becca was feeling and knowing that she, herself, was only a fraction away from falling apart as well.
"God, Sarah, how do you do it? How do you just pick yourself up and keep going on after everything that's happened to you?"
"I wish I knew, Bec. I just wish I knew." Sarah pulled back to look at Becca. "There are days I just want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world, but that doesn't get me anywhere. Look at all the things I'd miss if I did that." She smiled and began to name the most inane things that came to mind. "I'd miss … the insane hours we keep while we're on the road. I'd miss running the barricades to escape from loony fans. I'd miss you and your dorky blonde husband…" She laughed at the look on Becca's face, especially since Becca didn't realize that Nick and Howie had come to stand behind her.
Becca relaxed when she felt Nick's hands on her shoulders, and smiled though her tears. "I'm sorry, Sarah."
"For what?"
"For falling apart on you. I should be the one helping hold *you* together, not the other way around."
"Bec, it's ok," Howie said, coming to stand by Sarah. As he put his arm around her he went on, "Sarah's had a couple of days more than you have to begin to deal with all this. You and Nick just got here today and have had to jump right into everything at once. I think spending time with the family tonight will help. You'll all get a chance to share some really special memories and talking about it helps."
"Besides," Sarah said with a grin, "you have tall, blonde and dorky to hold your hand and make it all better."
"Yeah, baby, and I know how to make it ALL better," Nick whispered with a smirk, leaning over Becca's shoulder to kiss her neck.
"God, Carter," Becca said, swatting him away. "Have some respect! This is a funeral home, for crying all night."
Howie laughed. "Don't worry, Bec, Sarah's mom would've loved it. She was a real romantic at heart."
"Don't even go there, D. You’re insinuating that MY mother would have been swayed by the Carter Charm?" Sarah looked back at him in horror.
"It's one of my better qualities, Sarah. Face the facts … I'm good." Nick grinned at Sarah as she walked away shaking her head.
The next two hours passed much more quickly than any of them would have guessed and Howie was right. As friends and childhood acquaintances began to arrive, the room took on a much happier tone. Sarah and her father shared stories about their many family misadventures, and more than once Sarah was mortified as her mother's friends chose to fill Howie in on exactly the kind of child Sarah had been. Becca tended to gravitate toward the doorway where she and Nick became the unofficial greeters, making sure everyone was welcomed properly and signed the guest book. As the last of the guests hugged them goodbye, Sarah began to fade. The long, emotional day was taking its toll and Howie knew she needed to get home and into bed.
"Soon, Angel," he said, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. "Just a little longer and we'll get you home."
"Thanks, D. I'm just so tired …" Her eyes filled with tears, a sure sign that she was almost at her breaking point.
"Sarah?" Nick was there, concern etched on his face.
"She's ok, Nick. It's just been a long day." Howie tried to forestall any further questions; he'd already almost slipped a few times tonight and mentioned Sarah's pregnancy and he didn't want to make that mistake again. It was getting harder and harder to keep it secret, especially since her father already knew.
"D, why don't you guys ride back with me and Bec? We're gonna go ahead and take off, Bec's worn out, too."
"Sarah?" Howie asked.
"That sounds great, Nicky," she said with a watery smile. "Just let me go tell my dad, ok?"
"We'll meet you and Bec at the car, Nick. Thanks, man." Howie hugged him close. "I'm glad you're here."
"See you outside," Nick whispered and went to pull the car around.
"Howie, is Sarah really all right?" Becca stopped him, a hand on his arm.
"Yeah, Bec, she will be," he sighed. "Once we get through the service tomorrow she'll be fine."
"Howie, what's going on?" Becca didn't like the sound of this at all.
"Sarah's going to sing tomorrow."
"She's WHAT?" Becca was in shock.
"She's going to sing at the service. So am I."
"Howie, I think its' great that you're going to do this, but Sarah? That's asking an awful lot."
"I know, Bec, but it was her idea."
Becca shook her head. "I'm just so worried about her. What if-"
"I'll be there, Bec, just in case. This is something she feels she needs to do and I have to support her. You know her; she needs to be in charge, in control. This is something that she can do to keep things together and I can understand where she's coming from."
Becca knew he was thinking about his sister and said no more. "If I can do anything-"
"I'll let you know, Bec. Promise." He smiled gently and went to find Sarah.