Part 170
All the way home, Becca leaned against the car window, deep in thought. A light rain had begun to fall and the raindrops streaking down the windows mirrored the tears she fought to hide. He thoughts were so jumbled: Sarah, Jesse, Russell… her own flight from Orlando last January. The more she thought about what Sarah had been forced to face all alone, the worse she felt. They pulled into their driveway and she was out of the car before Nick could even turn off the motor.
Becca stepped gingerly around the puddles on her way to the front door, ignoring Nick's voice as he called out to her. In the dark, she tossed her set of keys on the hall table and wearily climbed the stairs.
"Bec?" Nick called, locking the deadbolt on the front door and searching for the light switch.
"I'm upstairs," came the muffled reply.
"You ok?" One hand on the railing, he was poised to follow her up, but her voice stopped him.
"I'm fine. I’m gonna take a shower before bed."
Without another word, he heard the bathroom door close and the water pipes creak as she turned on the water. Nick thought nothing of it. Bec must be worn out from all that had happened today. Sarah's daughter was alive. Wow! He could only just begin to imagine how she must be feeling, and Howie … talk about instant fatherhood! Smiling, he wondered idly how they would all travel when the tour resumed in a couple of weeks. Damn good thing they each had their own bus. He filled the teakettle with water and pulled out a package of Becca's favorite blend of herbal tea. She seemed awfully tense; maybe this would help her relax.
The water ran for a long time, but Nick was engrossed in a video game by then and never heard it turn off. It was just as well.
The running water muffled Becca's sobs as she let her mind run wild. All of the guilt she had felt over the months and had managed to bury had resurfaced, tenfold. She couldn't shake the look on Sarah's face as Dusty had revealed the secrets that had been kept. In her mind's eye she saw the betrayal that Sarah had felt, the abandonment that must have eaten at her spirit every day since Jesse had 'died'. And what had she done last winter? The same damned thing she always did. She'd run.
Never once had she thought to go to Sarah for help with her problem and Sarah was her best friend in the world. She knew something had been wrong with Sarah, too, but had been too wrapped up in her own problems to offer her help or support. If she'd been a REAL friend, she'd have stood by Sarah no matter what and been persistent until Sarah had talked to her. But no. She screwed up not only hers and Nick's lives, she'd caused Sarah to end up in a clinic. Just like AJ. God, what a mess.
She was still crying as she toweled herself off and slipped on a loose cotton nightgown. Her head hurt, and she considered taking her blood pressure, but really didn't want to know how high it was. Combing her hair, she switched off the light. God, she didn't want Nick to see her like this. It would only mean more questions that she didn't want to answer. It was bad enough that Sarah knew what was going on, if Nick knew he'd go ballistic. And Billy suspected something, she just knew it. All she wanted was a healthy baby and a normal pregnancy, like she'd read about in the books. But no, she'd managed to screw THAT up, too.
The tears began anew, and she paused at the top of the stairs. From the living room came the sounds of Nick's favorite video game. Good, That meant he'd be preoccupied for a while, and maybe she could pull herself together before he came upstairs.
GAME OVER.
Damn, three losses in a row. Nick stretched, catching sight of the antique clock on the mantle. Oh shit, he'd been at this for an hour. Becca's tea was cold and she'd probably gone on to bed without him. He sighed, shut off his game and quietly climbed the stairs. Silently he opened their bedroom door and began to undress. He was down to his t-shirt and boxers when he realized Becca wasn't even in the room. What the-?
He stepped back out into the hallway, and saw a faint light coming from inside the nursery. When he looked inside, his heart clenched within his chest. Becca was curled up in the rocking chair, a baby blanket wrapped in her arms and pressed to her face. She'd obviously been crying for some time, but was now reduced to an occasional sob as she labored for breath.
Quietly he approached her, sitting at her feet and resting his head in her lap. "Baby, what's wrong?"
Tears began to spill down her face once again. "Nothing." She shook her head. "Everything." She began to sob anew, loud heartbreaking sounds that came from the depths of her soul.
"Becca, stop, please?" She was scaring him. He knew she was fragile, and something deep inside told him this couldn't be good for her *or* the baby.
"It's all my fault," she wailed. "All of it."
"Baby, nothing's your fault. You heard what Sarah said, there were so many parts to the puzzle that no one person could have known what was going on. Not even you."
"I should have known, Nick, I'm her best friend."
"Sweetheart, not even HOWIE knew all of it and he's her husband." Standing, he gathered her in his arms and sat back down in the rocker, his frightened wife in his lap. "Becca, you know better than this." He rocked her as she cried, rubbing her back and trying his best to soothe her frazzled nerves. He watched the clock on the far wall, and minutes turned into almost an hour and still she cried.
He was becoming really worried about her. He knew she was pretty fragile when it came to relationships and after what they had heard tonight, he knew it had to be affecting her pretty badly. Just the fact that she'd been crying for almost two hours was enough to push him into action.
"Becca, stop," he said gently. It was almost as if she hadn't heard him. "Becca," he tried again, more forcefully this time, "you need to stop this, sweetheart. Get hold of yourself!"
Nick sat up, moving Becca so that he could see her face. His stomach turned at what he saw. She was pale, her breathing shallow and her eyes were dark, their pupils dilated. "Jesus!" He stood swiftly, helping her stand, frightened when she didn't seem to have the strength to remain on her feet. Catching her in his arms he carried her to their bedroom and laid her down, reaching for the phone.
Becca watched his hands shake as he dialed, mis-dialed, hung up and tried again. "Nick, who are you calling?" she asked weakly.
"Your doctor."
"No! Nick, don't!"
"Becca, something is wrong, I have to call."
She sat up and began to cry again. "Please don't, Nick, god, don't call her."
Something in her tone of voice wasn't right. Hanging up the phone he looked at her and saw the fear and something else, in her eyes. "Becca, why don't you want me to call?"
"I just-" she stalled. "It's late and-"
"No, that's not it. Becca, what is it you don't want me to know?"
Becca cringed, laying her head on her knees, hoping to calm the pounding in her temples.
"Bec you're scaring the shit out of me. You have a choice. I can call your doctor or I can take you to the Emergency Room."
"NO! Nick, you can't, they'll admit me and then I'll have to stay home and miss the rest of the tour, and I'll be alone-"
"Then talk to me. Dammit Bec, what have you been keeping from me?"
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just wanted to stay with you, I don’t want to be left behind."
Nick sat beside her and pulled her against him. "Becca, what the hell is going on?" he whispered. "I love you so much, but you keep stuff from me. I can't help you if you shut me out."
She sniffled and took a deep breath. "It's my blood pressure. It's been running high and-"
"HOW high? Bec, my god, you KNOW that's not safe for you OR the baby."
"Not dangerously," she assured him, mentally crossing her fingers and praying it was true.
"But?"
"But enough that Doctor Warren wants me to check it every couple of days." Nick handed her a tissue and she blew her nose.
"Check it how?"
"With the monitor I bought a few weeks ago." Her voice had trailed off, she knew she had angered Nick and rightly so. Sarah had warned her, but once again she didn't listen. Just something else she'd screwed up, she thought, beginning to cry again.
"Bec, stop, please? Where's the monitor?"
Becca told him where to find it and he brought it to her.
"Show me how to work this." It wasn't a question, it was insistence and Becca meekly complied. Together they watched the numbers climb steadily, and the higher they went, the wider Nick's eyes got. "Fuck, Bec…"
Becca was trembling and neither she nor Nick knew whether it was from delayed reaction or medical reasons. Quickly he reached for the phone and placed the call.
Fortunately, Becca was still in the moderate range. Not good, but not extremely dangerous, either. After apologizing yet again for waking her up, Nick wrote down the information the doctor gave him and promised that he'd see that Becca followed her instructions to the letter.
Nick turned to find Becca on her side, facing away from him. "I know you're not asleep," he said softly. "Where's the prescription she gave you the last time you were there?"
"In my wallet," said with a whisper.
"We're getting it filled in the morning, Bec. You're going to take it once a day and follow the rules."
She heard the unspoken 'or else'. "Or what?"
"Or you stay here in Orlando, on complete bed rest until you deliver."
"No," she whimpered.
"Then we have a new plan to work on, right?"
Becca sniffled quietly.
"Baby, we're in this together. I can't help you if you keep this stuff from me. Meet me halfway, Bec. Okay?"
She nodded as he lay down behind her and wrapped her in his arms.
"You're the most infuriatingly stubborn woman I've ever met," he sighed. "Well, okay, besides Sarah," he conceded and she laughed, her voice catching on a sob. "I love you so much, Bec, don't shut me out any more."
"I love you too." She closed her eyes and was instantly asleep, exhausted.
Nick lay awake for the rest of the night, terrified to let himself fall asleep, afraid that he wouldn't hear Becca if she needed him. Her sleep was restless. She tossed and turned and more than once Nick pulled her close as she mumbled in her sleep, dreaming of who knew what.