Part 207

Having Chelsea join them in Houston had been a huge relief and blessing for Howie and Sarah. Sarah’s career was taking off by leaps and bounds keeping them both busy. All five of the guys were quick to promote her whenever the opportunity presented itself and she was singing every night to the crowd’s delight.

As Howie watched her each night, he was amazed at how natural she was and he was extremely proud of her but also worried. He couldn’t help feeling like he was pushing her too hard. Not a day went by that she didn’t make several trips to the bathroom to get sick. He’d never imagined the pregnancy being like this.

Labor Day weekend was a break for the guys and rather than go their separate ways, they had accepted Sarah’s invitation to join them in Virginia for a family reunion at her grandparents’ house. They were headed to her father’s place first to check on the progress of their house and then down to her grandparents’.

Now, as the buses rolled silently through the night, sounds from Howie’s guitar filled their room. Sarah lay watching his skillful fingers dance effortlessly across the strings as he sang to her.

Sarah saw the tears in his eyes as he sang and realized that he was in that strange mood that had started in San Antonio. She didn’t know what had brought it on either. He’d been as attentive as ever, probably more so. He hadn’t let her out of his sight since that show and during the Dallas show, he’d insisted that she sit in the pits rather than with Becca, Jane, and Aaron. Now, she reached up to wipe his tears away.

Sarah put her hand on his to stop him. "Howie, what’s wrong? You’ve been really weird ever since San Anton."

Setting his guitar down, Howie looked at her. "You’ve never questioned or doubted my love. Why?"

"Because you’ve never given me a reason to doubt it. Should I?"

"Hell no!"

"Then what’s wrong?" pleaded Sarah. "Let me help you. I thought we shared everything."

Howie took Sarah in his arms and lay her back covering her body with his. Framing her face with his hands, he said, "We do."

"Then, please…"

Howie kissed her, his tongue diving in to taste her. He felt her body react to his and his need for her intensified ten-fold. Pulling out of the kiss, Howie ran his hand down her side, and he sang, "You are…my fire…my one…. desire."

Sarah smiled, "Howie…stop singing to me and tell me…"

Howie covered her mouth again in a searing kiss as his hands worked feverishly to undress her and himself. He entered her roughly, pounding in and out of her in a desperate attempt to rid himself of the feelings he was having. He had to have her, be inside her, feel her body next to his. His usual tenderness was blatantly missing and he didn’t see the tears of pain in her eyes.

Sarah put her hands on his chest trying to stop him. She’d seen him like this before, when they broke up and she was scared. "Slow down, Howie," she whimpered. "You’re hurting me…and scaring me."

Howie stopped, lying on top of her, still in her. He brushed her hair back and kissed her tenderly. "I need you, Angel," he whispered as he fought his tears.

"I know, D. Just slow down."

Howie started again, slowly stroking in and out as he gazed into Sarah’s eyes. As he made love to her, his thoughts raced. ‘What if I lose her? Where do I go? She’s my life and I can’t live without her.’ He was losing the battle to hold back his tears and they fell silently onto Sarah’s skin.

Reaching his climax, Howie rolled away from Sarah ashamed of how he’d thought only of himself. His back was to her in an effort to hide his tears from her but she knew. She could see the sobs that he tried to fight.

Sarah rolled over and put her arms around him. She placed a light kiss on his back as she whispered, "Howie, talk to me, please. Tell me what’s wrong."

"God…I never meant to hurt you but that’s all I’ve done."

"How have you hurt me?"

Howie rolled over to face her. "I’m pushing you way too hard. I want all your dreams to come true but…"

"Shhh…D. My dreams are coming true. I’m married to you; I’m carrying YOUR children; we have a beautiful little girl who ADORES her ‘daddy’; and I’m singing. Those ARE my dreams."

"But you’re always sick. I never imagined that being pregnant with my children would be so rough for you and yet I keep asking for more from you…to do that one song just a little better, to do that one dance step just a little sharper."

Sarah laughed softly, "Howie, I’m pregnant and it’s morning sickness. You CAN NOT control that, no matter how hard you try. Whether I perform or not, the morning sickness and the mood swings are still gonna be there…a fact of OUR life. You want children, right?"

"You know I do."

"Then we have to deal with it. Next time won’t be like this, hopefully. But that’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?"

"You know me too well. No, it’s not it. In just about ten days, we’ll be in Canada and you’ll be headed to LA to record."

"So? We agreed to do it this way so that chick who’s stalking you, Lee, doesn’t upset me. You’ve ALWAYS made it a point of me not being in Canada with you and with me being hormonal, I might say something wrong and upset some fans if she goes too far."

"Angel, the fans know about Lee stalking me and they would defend you. Besides, you’re always careful around the fans about what you say…which I’m proud of you for. No, there’s another reason I’ve kept you from joining me in Canada, especially Toronto."

"You mean because Claudia is there?"

This surprised Howie because they’d never talked about his past girlfriends. Sarah had never wanted to know and every time he’d tried to tell her, she’d cut him off. She’d seen pictures and she’d asked about them in regards to what they were doing or to say how cute the girl was but that was it. "How did you know?"

"I have my ways," she said as she ran her fingers through his hair. "When we first started dating, before we ever made love, you use to call out her name in your sleep and I could tell you were crying. Rather than ask you, I talked to John and he told me she was your first love and how she’d broken your heart. I didn’t question you about Toronto because it wasn’t my place. If you wanted me there, you’d take me."

"And it didn’t bother you?"

"No. Claudia was your first love and you’ll always have special feelings for her but I’m the one you come home to every night. I’m the one you make love to with your voice, with your eyes, and with your heart and soul. I’m the one you pour your heart out to when you’re hurting…like now."

"Angel, she called me…while you were doing sound checks in San Antonio and she wants to see me."

"So see her. Take her out to dinner."

"You don’t mind?"

"You don’t plan to take her to bed, do you?"

"Not hardly. Sarah, why are you being so understanding?"

"Because I love you and because I have no room to judge you after all we’ve been through with Russell. I won’t lie to you. I still have special feelings for Russell. He wasn’t ALWAYS mean and horrible to me. There were times when he was very tender and very sweet, like my first time."

"But Claudia and I are different from you and Russell. You left him because he was cruel. Claudia and I broke up because she couldn’t stand being away from me so much. She was jealous of…."

"All the girls? Then she wasn’t truly in love with you. If she had been, she’d have known that you’d never do anything to betray her love. It’s over between you two, right?"

"Long over. You are my true love…the only woman I want."

"Then I trust you. Now show me how much you want me. Make ‘Sweet D’ love to me," purred Sarah as she ran her hand across his chest.

Howie kissed her and said, "You know, when your hormones aren’t raging out of control, you are wonderful."

Sarah laughed, "That’s because I have you. You’ve kept me focused on the end result."

"Yeah, and sometimes I need to be reminded of that end too. Two beautiful babies with smiles just like their mother."

"And eyes like their father. I do love you, Howie…with all my heart and soul."

"And I love you, Sarah Taylor Dorough…with my heart and soul."

The buses rolled on and no one surfaced until late the next morning.

Part 208        The Dance Index(2)