Hey baby …god I hate this. I have to type to talk to you? *sigh* Oh well, at least it's like Sarah and D tried to tell me, at least this time I know where you are. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up. Anyway, I don't have much time, I was just messin' around on Sarah's laptop and figured I'd drop you a note to say how much I love you. I do ya know. And I miss you like crazy already. And GT … I hope he's being good for you, baby. I'd love to be there to help you and I feel like such a heel for leaving you there. And shit, this isn't helping any, is it? I don't know when you'll get to see this, but I'll try to call you tonight just like I promised. And …I need to talk to you about something, but I guess it can wait. I really don't wanta do it in an email, ya know?

I gotta go, Sarah's looking for me and she's gonna kill me when she finds out what I've done. *grin* Later sweetheart. Becca, I love you. Touch the screen for me …right here …that's it. I touched there, too. Hold onto that till I see you again.

Love,

Nick

Hey Sis!! Whaz Up…besides me? LMAO Howie and the guys are doing sound checks and I’m suppose to be sleeping but THAT ain’t gonna happen.

The bus ride was LONG! Make sure you read ‘Dark Riders’…it’s what I did to occupy myself part of the time.

Nick’s okay…just being Nicky! God, one minute, he’s aggravating the hell out of Howie and me and the next, he’s lovable and so vulnerable. After we left you, he cried…I know I probably shouldn’t tell you that but I expect you already know. Then, when I was supposed to be taking a nap, he got on my laptop and put Kevin’s email wav on my mail program. I thought Howie was gonna go through the roof when he heard it!

More news…Tammy got fired yesterday and I’m taking her place…sorta! Lisa switched so I could be with Howie! God! It’s SO much fun but HARD work.

I’m sure you’re wondering WHY Tammy got fired. Seems she left Claudia a pass after being warned NOT to by Howie AND Fatima. Claudia showed up yesterday after my sound check and started a bunch of shit with me. Kevin was FIT to be tied because security had to pull us apart! She slapped me so naturally…well, you know exactly what I did!

Tammy didn’t help her cause any. She admitted that she was the one who called that tabloid that was hounding us at the post-VMA party. You remember me telling you about it! Seems she and Claudia had this whole scheme cooked up to make things difficult for me so that I’d leave Howie and Claudia would have him back…AS IF!

Can’t think of any more news to tell you…Becca, I know you don’t need this but I need to talk to someone and right now, the guys are out of the question. I’m not saying they wouldn’t understand, because they probably would. It’s just that I don’t want them to worry because YOU KNOW how they can be and I REALLY do NOT want all five of them hovering. Howie is bad enough.

I’m afraid to sleep. The nightmares have started again and since it all happened, I’ve slept MAYBE eight hours. Every time I close my eyes, images of Danny and the planes are there. I can see Howie on his knees, crying…like the first night in Toronto, when he thought I was dead and they still played ‘HDIFILWY’. I can see Jesse wandering around calling for me, tears streaming down her face! I’m falling apart , Bec, and I don’t know how to stop it! Life is SO unfair…Danny will never see his baby and yet, Howie and I look forward to February and the twins as if nothing has happened.

I’m supposed to be the strong one; tough, able to deal with whatever is thrown at me…but I’m tired, Becca. First Russell and all his crap; then losing Jesse; the miscarriage and the bulimia and the clinic; and now THIS!! I just CANNOT do it any more, Becca.

I guess I’ve dumped on you enough, huh? I’m sorry for all this. Later, sis! Kiss Garrett for me and I’ll be sure to give Nicky a kiss good-night for you. J

First off, it just about kills me that I can't be there to help you through this. You know I'd do anything I could. And second, STOP TRYING TO PROTECT ME! LOL! You know you can tell me anything, any time, that's just the way we are, okay?

Dark Riders, huh? Sounds intriguing, but why do I have a bad feeling about this? Just kidding! I'll go check the list mail in a few.

Now. About YOU. What are we gonna do with you? Sis, you have to get help. All this shit you're dealing with isn't going to go away by itself. I know you're remembering everything that happened last time, and that's why I'm worried. You can't handle this on your own this time. Get help, please????? And don't do it for me, or for Howie, or even for yourself. Do it for Jesse and those babies you're carrying. Take some of your own advice: it's not about you anymore. From now on it's about the babies and your daughter. The rest will fall into place. And if you dance again tonight, you have even less sense than I give you credit for. Tell Fatima to take a flying leap. You hear me?

As for Claudia, I sincerely hope you got in a few good ones before they pulled you apart. LMAO! If I hadn't been so pregnant at the VMA's I'd have been sorely tempted to lay a few on the Beast. *grins*

And hey! Do NOT be kissing Nicky goodnight, hello or ANYTHING, you hear me? *hands on hips glaring across the miles* Keep your paws off my man! LOL!

I heard from Nick, too. Of course, he says he misses me, and god, I'm so lost without him here. But I'll be okay. I have to, right? But seriously, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're letting him ride with you. I know he can be annoying, but …anyway, thank you. You're the best. Try to give me a call, okay? You know I'm worried about you and I'd feel a lot better if I could hear your voice.

Love you!

I need to go, I hear Garrett starting to fuss. Yes, he's being good, and he's the only thing keeping me together while I wait to be with you again. I love you, Nick. *kisses fingers and touches the screen* Hold this for me, you can give it back in person, next week.

Love forever,

Becca