Part 316

Howie watched as Sarah busied herself cleaning up the suite and packing so they could leave. He knew she was avoiding what was really bothering her. Taking a deep breath, Howie went to her, took her by the waist, and turned her to face him.

"Sarah, you can’t avoid this. We need to talk."

Her voice trembled as she said, "I’m not avoiding anything, Howie. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve tried to be there for you but you held it in. I tried to keep you from going off on Nick but it didn’t help. Now Becca’s upset with me because I wrote something that was truly fictional…something she did for five months! I was trying to keep busy, to pass the time WITHOUT her to talk to about what was going on. I didn’t tell you this, but in Ottawa, I emailed her and told her how I was feeling…that I was afraid to sleep because of the nightmares and then I felt guilty as hell because once again, I’d dumped on her at a time when she didn’t need me to dump on her. Not to mention, I kept her husband out of trouble with that new dancer Fatima hired…Fiona. I just can’t fucking win, Howie!"

The tears began to fall as Howie pulled her to him and he held her close stroking her hair. "I’m sorry, Angel. All of this is my fault. All I ever wanted to do was protect you."

Sarah pulled back wiping her own tears. "D, you and I have spent the past week trying to protect the ones we love and it’s only hurt them. We have to stop!"

"Come on, let’s lay down," said Howie leading Sarah to the bed.

The two got comfortable on the bed; Sarah nestled her head on Howie’s chest as he held her, playing with her hair. They lay there in silence for a while, Howie gathering his thoughts and Sarah waiting to listen. She knew he had to get it off his chest in order for them to move on.

"Angel, I spent thirty-six hours wondering if our love would stand up to this test; wondering if my life was over because you weren’t by my side. I honestly thought that if you WERE on that plane, I wasn’t going to go onstage ever again. We have struggled so hard to get through what Russell did to you…to us and I began to believe it was all in vain. When you came back to me in Toronto and the enormity of what happened hit you, I watched you struggle to deal with it and NOTHING I did or said seemed to help. I felt helpless and once again, I had to face the very real possibility of losing our babies. Three times was too much on top of having actually lost one. I didn’t have time to cope because our time wasn’t ours. Nick was with us and I took my frustrations and fears out on him."

"What about Kevin?" asked Sarah softly.

Howie laughed softly. "For the first time, I was jealous of the relationship you two have. I know full well that if for some reason we ever break up, I’m going to have to see you with him. He loves you that much and you have what it takes to make a relationship work."

Sarah shook her head. "No, we don’t, Howie. Kevin and I aren’t connected like you and I are. That October, when he was by my side with the bulimia and when I found out I was pregnant, I was grateful to him but he wasn’t you. I ached to have you by my side. Sure, he held me when I cried, he wiped my forehead when I threw up, and we made love but it wasn’t the same. Sure, he’s my best friend, with the exception of you and Becca, but as long as there’s breath in OUR bodies, he’ll never hold my heart the way you do. He can’t make my heart skip a beat by simply calling my name the way you do. He can’t make my knees turn to jelly with just a smile like you do. Howie, it’s YOU that I sing to. It’s you who wipes my tears away and makes the nightmares go away. Its you that I love so completely…to the point of complete distraction."

"I love you too, Angel," whispered Howie as his tears fell in Sarah’s hair.

"I want to be there for you, Howie. You don’t have to hold it in or try to drown it with tequila or women dancing for you."

"Do you forgive me for being such an ass….for last night?"

"There’s nothing to forgive, D. It’s over and forgotten."

"God! I wish it were that simple. Nick won’t even talk to me."

"Give it time, Howie. You really hurt him, especially saying he’s a bad father in front of Becca. You told me back before they got married that they needed to be able to make their mistakes on their own. It’s the same with being a parent, Howie. He’s NOT going to do anything to intentionally hurt Garrett."

"I know you’re right."

"I know it’s hard, D. Believe me, I have to bite my tongue to keep from giving Becca unwanted advice. When she wants my help, she’ll ask for it…the same for Nick. He really looks up to you, Howie. He has NO role model for being a good husband or a good father and he’s watching you every chance he gets. The other night, when you put Jesse in her own bunk and she asked why you were mad at him, he was listening. He knows you love him and this past week hasn’t been completely about needing company. It was about Nick’s need to see you being a husband to a wife in need and a father to Jesse. You ARE a good father even though you make mistakes. Nick will come around. It’s just going to take time. Maybe after we get back from LA and he’s had time to calm down, you can try again."

"I guess."

Sarah rolled so that she was looking into Howie’s eyes. "What can I do now to make you feel better?"

Howie brushed her hair back. "Make love to me."

"Do we have time?"

"We can make the time, Angel. I need to feel your body next to mine."

Sarah stood and did a slow strip tease for him then rejoined him. She began unbuttoning his shirt placing kisses along his chest. When she reached his jeans, she slowly popped the snap then unzipped them.

Howie groaned in anticipation. Seeing his wife naked and feeling her kisses on his skin had made him hard. Reaching to run his hands through her hair, he said, "Let me help you."

Sarah moved out of the way as Howie finished what she had started. Done, he took her in his arms and lay her back, his body covering his. Dipping in, his lips touched hers, his tongue slipping between her lips inviting her to play. She responded and their tongues caressed each other as Howie moved to enter her. As his hard cock pressed into her ‘heat’, a whimper escaped into his mouth and she met him eagerly.

Howie broke the kiss to gaze into Sarah’s eyes as he stroked in and out of her. She met each stroke hungrily, her desire mirrored in his eyes.

He whispered, "You are my heart and soul, Sarah."

The two climaxed together and afterwards, Howie lay on his side watching Sarah. With his finger, he traced the outline of her lips.

"I love you, Sarah."

"I love you too, Howard. Do you feel better?"

"Yeah, some. What about you? How are you going to fix the problems with Becca? And what did you mean by keeping Nick out of trouble with Fiona?"

"I’ll find a chance to talk to her. She can’t keep avoiding me. As for Nick, I’ve caught Fiona twice now trying to put the moves on him. The first time, we were in Montreal and she made some comment about finding out about the rumors about ‘Thor’ and then in Buffalo, she actually came on to him. D, promise me, you won’t try to keep things from me to protect me anymore."

"You might want to tell Becca about Fiona, especially after breakfast this morning. She looked like she was sucking up to Becca." Howie laughed thinking about what Sarah had said about Nick. He knew the fans referred to Nick’s cock as ‘Thor’ and that he was known to get erections on stage. They all did at one point or another with the rush of adrenaline they all felt during a show. "I can promise you I’ll try. Sarah, I’m always going to want to protect you. That’s NOT going to change whether you’re pregnant or not."

"That’s something," smiled Sarah as she caressed his cheek. "Whoa!"

"What?"

"The babies just decided to trade places," she said taking his hand and placing it on her stomach.

Feeling the babies move, he laughed, "This is so awesome, Angel."

Sarah loved watching the expression on Howie’s face. He was like a little boy in a candy store as he felt them moving.

"Did you breastfeed Jesse?"

"Right up until Russell started shooting me up."

"How old was she?"

"About six months. That was about the time he went back to his old ways of trying to control me and I threatened to leave him. The hardest part of it all was that I had to just stop. There was no weaning her and I was in so much pain."

Caressing her stomach as he played with her hair, Howie asked, "Are you still considering breastfeeding the twins?"

"I want to, yeah. It’s gonna take your help though."

"You know I’ll be there for you, Angel."

"Yeah, I do," smiled Sarah as she gave him a light kiss on the tip of his nose.

The phone rang and Howie reached across her to answer it. When he hung up, he looked at Sarah and said, "It’s time to go back to the real world, Angel. Kevin wants to head over to the venue to work on your CD."

"D…before we go, I want to wait until Calgary before I go back to performing."

"Are you okay?"

"I’m fine. I just want to enjoy being your wife."

Howie smiled, "That’s cool, Angel. I’ll tell Kevin."

Together, the two got up, dressed, and gathered their things. When they left their suite, they were ready to get on with their lives, the horrors of the last two weeks behind them and the bright future ahead of them.

Part 317        The Dance Index(3)