Part 364
As Howie opened the bathroom, steam billowed out. Sarah had the water on as hot as she could stand making the small bathroom a sauna. He could hear her sobs and he felt like his heart was being ripped out. Fully clothed, he stepped into the shower and took her in his arms.
Her legs gave way and she sank into him as she sobbed, "Why me?"
Stroking her wet hair as he held her, he spoke gently. "I don’t have any answers, Angel. All I can tell you is it’s over. You don’t have to be afraid of him any more."
"Not him but who’s next? What other friend of Russell will come looking for me wanting to find out?"
"None, Angel. No one else is going to hurt you, I promise you."
"You can’t guarantee that!"
"You know there are no guarantees in life, Sarah. I can only do the best I can." Taking her face in his hands, he kissed her tenderly so as not to hurt her. "I love you, Sarah."
Sarah looked up into Howie’s eyes, "I love you too, Howie."
Howie was her ‘tonic’, her medicine. His touch and his voice always made things better and as the water flowed over them, she saw the hurt, the pain, and the anger she felt reflected in his eyes. It was as if he’d been raped too.
"We’ll be okay," she whispered as a question.
"Yeah, we’ll be okay, Angel. Let’s get out and get some clothes on."
It suddenly dawned on Sarah that Howie was fully dressed. His hair curling, his T-shirt plastered to his chest, and his jeans soaked. She smiled, "You really do love me, don’t you?"
"Enough to take shower with my clothes on," he smiled reaching over to turn the water off.
Opening the shower door, he stepped out and took Sarah’s hand to help her out too. Taking her towel, he wrapped it around her as gently as if she were a little child. Taking the corner, he wiped her face dry and then began drying the rest of her taking his time to get every inch, caressing her body lovingly. Done, he took her hand and led her into their room.
"Lay down while I get out of these wet clothes and dry off," he requested kissing her softly on the forehead.
Obediently, Sarah lay down and he pulled a blanket over her. She watched as he peeled the wet T-shirt over his head revealing his tan, well-defined chest. She closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of being nestled next to that chest.
Watching her as he dried himself, he asked, "What are you thinking about, ‘Angel’?"
Without opening her eyes, "I was just imagining being against your chest, your arms wrapped around me."
"Your safe place."
Sarah heard the smile in is voice. "Mmm, yeah."
"As soon as we get you checked out by a doctor, I promise…."
"NO! No doctors," stated Sarah opening her eyes.
"Sarah, you need to be checked out," urged Howie.
"I just had a check-up in Ottawa two weeks ago. I’m fine," shot Sarah as she got up.
"I know that but you just suffered a violent invasion of your body."
"It wasn’t THAT violent," she snapped. "No rougher than our wilder nights."
Her words cut him like a knife. He knew she was angry and scared and this was just her lashing out but it didn’t lessen the pain. Not willing to let her get to him, he said, "You still need a check-up. Humor me?"
Pulling on her clothes, Sarah said, "Howard, I’m perfectly fine. I’m not having any cramps and he didn’t hit me. The worst he did was cut my lips. Where are my shoes? I need to go do my sound check."
"God, you’re stubborn!" said Howie irritably.
Howie now had to rush to get out of his wet jeans as Sarah found a pair of tennis shoes and put them on. She was out the door as he pulled his jeans up. Grabbing a shirt, he followed her out.
The first person Sarah’s eyes fell on were Nick and Brian’s words ‘Nick let it slip in Detroit…when he and Howie were arguing’ rang in her head. Her ‘little brother’ had let her secrets be known to everyone. Betrayal in her voice, she looked Nick square in the eyes, "How could you, Nick? How could you tell everyone what happened? I trusted you."
"Sarah, please," begged Nick in a small voice as he stood up straight and took a step to towards her. "I never meant to hurt you. I was angry."
"Angry?" questioned Sarah. "What do you know about being angry? Have you been raped repeatedly by someone who is supposed to love you? You don’t know shit about being angry."
Sarah had backed into Howie and he tried to hold her as he said, "Angel, don’t take it out on Nick. A lot of things were said that week in anger. I was trying to protect you."
Sarah spun around on Howie, her eyes wild with anger and fright. "And you! My husband! You knew he’d done it but yet you kept it to yourself! How? Why? We’re suppose to be open and honest with each other! I held you in Chicago where you poured your heart out to me! Where we both realized what trying to protect others got us!! You didn’t learn a damn thing!"
"Angel, I’m sorry," said Howie as he tried to take her in his arms again.
Everyone was stunned by Sarah’s actions as she pulled away from Howie and said, "NO! Keep your damn hands off me, Howard! You might as well have told David to rape me yourself! You could have prevented this!"
Howie was in shock. He never imagined Sarah ever saying something like this to him. "Sarah! No!! I never wanted something like this to happen to you! I never imagined this happening. I know you’re hurting but no one on this bus right now has done anything to intentionally hurt you, especially me," said Howie with a remarkable calmness in his voice.
"You’re WRONG, Howard! The only ones on this bus who haven’t hurt me are Kevin and Becca! They are the only ones who didn’t know Nick had told the world," answered Sarah, her voice trembling. Turning to Kevin, she asked, "’Boo’, do the police need me to make a statement?"
"I don’t know, Sarah," answered Kevin looking at Howie. He saw Howie’s expression and knew things were about to get worse.
Howie took a deep breath and said, "No, the police left."
Kevin offered, "I’ll go with you to the station, if you want."
Howie shook his head, "It’s not necessary."
Sarah turned to Howie as her heart sank dreading the answer to her next question. "Why isn’t it necessary, Howard?"
Feeling the tension, Brian motioned to the others to leave and he said, "Howie, we’re going inside."
Howie nodded his head to acknowledge him without taking his eyes off Sarah. They stood staring at each other as their friends exited the bus.
Kevin put his hand on Sarah’s shoulder and said quietly, "If you need me, you know where I am."
Sarah put her hand on his, "Thank you, ‘Boo’."
The last one to leave was Becca and she stepped between Sarah and Howie. Giving Howie a hug, she whispered, "She’s just scared."
Howie returned the hug. "I know."
Looking at Sarah, she took her hand and said, "You listen to me. Howie loves you and would do anything to protect you. Don’t blame him for what happened."
Sarah stared blankly into Becca’s eyes but didn’t say a word. Becca gave her a kiss on the cheek and left with Kevin.
As the bus door closed, Sarah asked again, her voice a terrified whisper. "Why isn’t it necessary?"