Part 367
Headed back to Sarah, Howie spotted the flowers he’d brought out to her. Pulling a rose out, he continued to the back where he found Sarah with her back to him combing out her hair. He put his hand on her waist and reached around her with the rose.
Sarah took it and turned to face him. She looked into his eyes to see the hurt he had been feeling. Reaching up, she caressed his cheek as if she could wipe away all the pain. "The rose is beautiful. Thank you," she whispered.
"Not as beautiful as you." He turned slightly placing a kiss in the palm of her hand.
"I said some really horrible things to you."
"Shhh, you were scared and lashing out."
"You always hurt the ones you love the most. I’m sorry, ‘D’."
Howie leaned in to kiss her lightly, "I’m sorry, too."
Sarah leaned her head against his chest as he stroked her arms. "I hate feeling out of control."
"I know. It’s not fun." Howie stopped, weighing his words. "Last fall, did I stop loving you?"
"No," she answered in a small voice. "You loved me more."
"Even if you hadn’t been pregnant today, I would have done the exact same thing. You are my number one priority," said Howie making her look at him. Shaking his head, he said, "I don’t want to raise Jesse alone, or the twins. They need their mother too and I need you."
Tilting her head to look at him, she smiled, "I need you too."
"Never doubt my love again?"
Sarah grinned impishly, "Never doubted it in the first place."
"But…"
"Howie, I was mad, hurt, betrayed, scared…take your pick of emotions…I was grasping for anything to stay mad at you. I knew the minute I looked in your eyes and heard your explanation, I’d lose it. I needed to let it go or I’d still be crying now."
"Are you okay now?"
"I will be," she said as she ran her finger down his chest. "I’m
gonna call Tyler while you’re doing sound checks."
"Thank you, ‘Angel’."
"Howie?"
"Yeah."
"Do you have time to hold me?" she asked in a timid whisper.
Howie cupped her face. "I always have time for my ‘angel’. Come here," he said leading her to the bed.
The couple settled into their bed and Sarah rested her head on his shoulder. Howie ran his fingers lightly across her arm as he held her waiting for her to let it go.
Sarah sighed, "I need to talk to AJ and Nick."
"Why?"
"I was really rough on Nick and I know what I said about everyone on the bus hurting me hurt AJ."
"Don’t worry about AJ. He knows you were lashing out but can I give you a piece of advice with Nick?"
"Yeah."
"Let him come to you. He’s hurt and he’s got to work through this. He’s gonna blame himself for this."
"But it really isn’t his fault."
"No, it isn’t. You and I know the whole story and Nick will know it soon enough. Once he hears it, he’ll be able to work through it all."
"Are you gonna tell him?"
"Sorta. We need to do damage control so Jeff’s called a meeting of the entire crew. You and I can explain everything."
"I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about this…not to the crew."
"It’ll be okay, ‘Angel’. Kevin and AJ will be there with us and they’ll help too."
Sighing, "When will my life ever stop looking like a damn soap opera?"
Howie chuckled softly, "Soon, ‘Angel’. We will get back to our fairy tale with the happy ending."
"Promise?"
"Do you want it?"
"Would you think I was crazy if I said ‘no’?"
Howie laughed, "I’d call the local psychiatric unit and have you committed."
Sarah laughed too. "I want it, Howie….the fairy tale with the happy ending."
Howie pulled Sarah so that she was lying on top of him now and he framed her face with his hands. Kissing her lightly so as not to hurt her, he said, "You can have anything you want, ‘Angel’, whatever your heart desires."
The couple was interrupted when they heard the bus door open and then Tommy’s voice.
"Boss?"
"I’m in the back, Tommy."
Tommy appeared at the door, "Kevin’s about to have a cow because you aren’t inside yet."
Howie laughed, "He’ll get over it. Have they started?"
"Krystal and Sisqo have done theirs and AJ is getting ready to do his now."
"Thanks, Tommy. We’re on our way."
"Sarah, if you want to stay here, I’ll call one of the others to get Howie inside."
"No, thanks anyway. I need to do my sound check too."
Howie looked at her, "Are you sure?"
Sarah simply nodded her head ‘yes’ and Tommy said, "I’ll wait at the door for the two of you."
As Tommy left, Sarah moved and Howie got up to find his shoes. Sitting up, she watched as he sat on the edge of the bed with a haunted look on his face. Through the last couple of hours, he had concentrated so hard on helping her deal with this and never once gave a thought to his own needs.
Now, moving to kneel behind him, Sarah put her hands on his shoulders feeling the tense muscles. She kneaded them gingerly as he leaned back against her.
"’D’, how are you dealing with all this?"
Howie sighed deeply, "I don’t know, ‘Angel’. I haven’t really let myself think about it other than to keep it out of the news."
"You need to deal with it. If you don’t, it’s going to eat at you."
Howie took her hands and pulled her so that her arms were around him. Kissing her hands, he said, "You amaze me, ‘Angel’. You get knocked down and you come back stronger than before."
Sarah smiled softly against his neck. She whispered, "I have an amazing husband who loves me and gives me strength."
Her breath sent chills throughout his body and he caressed her arms. As she held him next to her, he let go of all the emotions he’d pent up to get her through. His body shook as he said, "I feel so helpless. I want to protect you, make you safe but I keep failing. Every turn you take, there’s a roadblock…like Russell’s still here, still trying to control you, still trying to destroy you and I’m powerless to stop him."
Rocking him in her arms, Sarah spoke soothingly, "No, you’re not, Howie. You are the reason I’m not a raving lunatic or worse…another suicide statistic. If I hadn’t had you, I don’t even want to imagine where I’d be right now. There were so many times when I was with him that I planned my own death…probably as many times as I planned his."
"God, Angel…I never knew."
"I know. It’s not something I’m exactly proud of."
"I understand but….."
"But I never told you. I’m guilty of holding back….like I accused
you."
"You were angry. You don’t still feel like that…like you want out, do you?"
"And miss all THIS?" said Sarah waving her hand around the sleeping area. "NO WAY!!" She moved to sit beside him. "I don’t really blame you for what happened. There was no way you could know that someone would use the information like this…to do this to me."
"Do you still feel like I’m causing your nightmares?" asked Howie with his head tucked.
Sarah took his hand and laced her fingers with his. "You know me better than anyone else in the world and you know I say things that five minutes later, I regret. From that very first night when you took me to the condo and I fell asleep on the couch, you have always made my nightmares go away."
Howie squeezed her hand. "I never meant for this to happen."
"I know that. Look, while you guys are doing sound checks, I’m gonna call Tyler. Why don’t you talk to her too? She does counseling for family members of rape victims."
"Sounds like a good idea. Sarah…"
"Yes, I’m still your girl."
"No, you’re my angel," whispered Howie brushing her hair back. Forgetting the bruises and cuts on her lips, he leaned to kiss her.
Sarah pulled back, "Ouch!"
Howie laughed, "I’m sorry. Let me kiss it and make it better."
Putting her fingers on his lips, "NO! I’ll take a rain check this time. Come on, we need to get inside before Kevin goes into labor!"
Hand in hand, the couple followed Tommy inside amidst cheers and screams of the fans that had started to gather for a glimpse of the boys before the show. Not wanting to disappoint them, Howie waved and played with Sarah showing off her growing stomach much to the fans’ delight.