Part 392
AJ had slipped out unnoticed and was now at Howie’s dressing room. He knocked lightly but didn’t wait for an answer and pushed the door open. Before him was exactly what he had feared. Sarah was asleep on the bed, her head on Howie’s lap. Howie was leaning against the headboard with his hand on her stomach and the other playing with her hair. To anyone else, this wouldn’t have been anything to alarm them but AJ knew better.
Howie looked up as AJ closed the door. When he looked around, he saw the fear and anger in Howie’s eyes. "Hey, bro! Wanna talk?" asked AJ as he joined Howie on the bed.
"About what?" asked Howie attempting to act as if nothing was wrong.
"Don’t pull that shit on me, ‘D’. This is me you’re talking to." Putting his hand on Howie’s that was on Sarah’s stomach, AJ went on, "Besides your wife, I’m the one who knows you better than you know yourself and I know something is wrong."
Howie looked down at Sarah as she slept. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."
AJ shook his head. "Tell me why Sarah thinks you’re revolted by her."
"Did she say that?"
"Yeah, this morning but I don’t think she believes it."
In a whisper that AJ could barely hear, "I love her, AJ."
"I know you do, ‘D’. I’ve been watching you all day. You’re afraid to touch her, aren’t you?"
"Don’t be ridiculous, AJ. What am I doing now?"
"No, you’re not touching her the way you normally do. Why do you think I came in here instead of letting Jeff come down?"
Howie shrugged his shoulders. "I don’t know. Because you had this overwhelming urge to tell me I’m afraid to touch my wife?"
"Because there’s something wrong. If everything were okay, I’d have walked in on you two buck naked…even if you weren’t making love. You’d have been laying beside her enjoying just having her body next to you."
"She needs her rest."
"That shit won’t fly with me. You and I BOTH know she sleeps better with you holding her. You’re her security blanket."
"Some damn security blanket! I let her get raped…AGAIN," mumbled Howie angrily. "I might as well have told him to do it, like she said yesterday."
"She didn’t mean it, Howie, and you know it. Look, I don’t think you realize it but you haven’t kissed her and your touches have been guarded…like you’re afraid she’ll break."
Howie looked back down at his wife as she seemingly slept peacefully and the images of David forcing himself on her began playing out once more. His tears began to fall again onto Sarah and he made no effort to stop them or wipe them away.
"AJ, I look at her and I see the bruises; I see him hurting her. I have promised her so many times to protect her, to keep her from harm, but she keeps getting hurt...even by me. This morning, holding her in my arms and touching her, she winced in pain. I caused that pain, AJ…me, the one who promised to love her and protect her."
AJ’s heart broke listening to Howie. Not only was he feeling the pain of Howie’s words now but he had the memories of what he’d done to Sarah in June. Is this what they went through when I raped her?
Even though the guys had been talking in hushed whispers, Sarah had heard most of the conversation. She’d known something was wrong but she’d resolved herself to let Howie come to her. Thank God for AJ. She opened her eyes now to see AJ watching Howie. She felt the weight and warmth of Howie’s hand on her stomach and his tears in her hair.
AJ glanced down to see she was awake but with her eyes, she told him not to say anything. "Howie, part of protecting Sarah is being there for her after the hurt and you are always there. Don’t let her down now. She’s not gonna break and she needs your touch, your arms holding her close. Show her that you still find her extremely desirable. Don’t see the bruises, see the woman you love because she loves you."
"How can she keep loving me when I keep failing her?"
Sarah chose now to let him know she was awake. "Because you haven’t failed me, ‘D’. Please, listen to Alex," begged Sarah as she rolled over to look up at him. She wove her fingers with his and with the other hand, reached up to wipe his tears away. "Baby, this happened to US…not just me. You can’t hold it in. It hurts more that you don’t talk to me and before you say anything, I know you didn’t meant to hurt me."
"You two need to talk so I’m gonna clear out," said AJ as he got up. "Two things before I go. Jeff got the word on David…he’s clean. Second, Sisqo’s gone so Sarah will have to perform for the rest of the tour."
"What happened to Sisqo?" asked Sarah as she sat up next to Howie.
"Jeff overheard him bitching about your stage time so he canned him."
"WOW! Jeff defended me?! Cool! I’ll have to be nicer to him."
AJ and Howie both laughed as AJ gave Sarah a kiss. "He won’t know how to handle it. I’ll come get you for dinner."
"Thanks, ‘Bone’," said Howie.
"No problem. I’ll lock the door on my way out," grinned AJ. "’Tigger’, go easy on him."