Part 95

Kevin watched him from a distance, a solitary figure in the midst of all the publicity and hype. AJ boarded his bus, stopping only briefly to talk with security before closing the door against prying eyes. Gaining entry was no problem for Kevin as the guards stepped aside, even going so far as to open the locked door for him.

AJ was busily sorting through stacks of music when he glanced up to see Kevin watching him. "So, Kev, what's the good news?" he asked, not at all surprised to find Kevin on his bus. "Did I get voted off the island last night?" he smirked. "This is where you tell me to pack up and hit the road, I suppose."

"This isn't funny, AJ."

"Sure it is, Kev, can't you see the humor in it all? Hell, *I* can. Come on, lighten up."

"There's nothing funny about rape Alex."

"Ooh, I'm in deep shit. He called me 'Alex'," he mumbled to no one in particular.

"Deep shit? You're lucky your ass isn't in jail right now. Sarah has grounds for pressing charges, and Becca could probably make them stick as well. Yet you stand here and crack jokes."

"Sarah wouldn't-"

"Why not? You think she enjoyed what you did to her on this bus? You think she LIKED being held down and forced to have sex with you? What, was it a big fucking turn on to have Howie's wife beneath you as she cried and struggled to get away? Tell me, Alex, WHAT WAS THE POINT?"

AJ turned away, knowing all of what he said was true.

"And Becca … for Christ's sake, what the hell was THAT all about? You're so hard up for a woman that you had to make a move on Nick's wife? Nick's PREGNANT wife? I swear to you, if you had hurt her and anything had happened to that baby, you and I would not be having this conversation. I'd be visiting Nick in jail, because he would have not stopped at decking your ass, you'd be dead."

"You made your point, Kevin," he said softly.

"Did I?" Kevin paused for effect. "You need help, Alex. Don't tell me about the counselors we brought in, you and I both know it's not working. Something has to change and only you can do it. But you have to want it, and you have to want it quickly before management steps in and takes it out of your hands. I can't hold them off much longer."

AJ seemed ready to respond, but as he opened his mouth to speak, Carlos interrupted from the front of the bus.

"Sorry, boss, the crew from MTV is here. I can't stall them much longer."

Both men heaved a sigh, one of aggravation, the other of reprieve. The next hour was spent in cheerful denial of the obvious as they spoke of upcoming tour destinations and other trivial nonsense. The turning point of the interview came when AJ took them to the rear of the bus, into his small on-board studio. As they captured the moment on film, Kevin looked on as AJ played a part of a track he'd been working on.

His eyes holding a weary sadness, he sang along for the camera.

There was nothing else Kevin could say; AJ had said it all. Hugging his friend tightly, Kevin made his way to the front of the bus. Turning one last time he said, "It's up to you, man. We're behind you all the way, but don't leave it up to us."

Silently, AJ watched his 'big brother' walk slowly back to the hotel, his shoulders sagging with the weight of his worries.

******************

As he made his way from his bus to the arena, he spotted her. As she walked alone, he noticed her stop, sway, and then start to collapse. He moved quickly catching her before she fell.

"Sarah, are you okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.

Wearily, she answered, "Not really, ‘Bone’. I need to get back to the bus."

AJ looked around for someone…anyone…afraid to be alone with Sarah. "Where’s Raoul?"

"With Howie for a meet and greet for the Foundation." Sarah saw the fear in his eyes, "It’s okay, Alex."

"Want me to carry you?"

"Please…I don’t think I can make it."

AJ scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to Howie’s bus. She reached up to open the door for him and they boarded. He set her down on the couch and then started to leave.

"Don’t go, Alex."

"Sarah, I don’t need a repeat of last night."

"Are you gonna do something stupid?"

"Depends on what you consider stupid. I expect the guys would think me being alone with you is stupid."

Sarah took his hand and pulled him to her. Sitting beside her, Sarah leaned against him and he reluctantly put his arm around her. "Alex…"

"Two people in one day," grumbled AJ. "You guys must really be ticked at me."

"Not ticked, Alex…worried. I’m not gonna lie to you. You betrayed me when you…when you…"

"Raped you, Sarah. I raped you. You said ‘No’ and I didn’t listen," said AJ flatly.

"It was the alcohol, Alex. If you had been sober, you NEVER would have done it and you wouldn’t have hit on Becca either. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me."

Softly, as tears began to slide down his cheeks, AJ said, "After talking to Kevin, I figured you’d want me locked up."

"No…not really."

"You’ve been so scared of me, Sarah. The look in your eyes every time you looked at me nearly killed me. Why aren’t you scared of me now?"

Sarah held on to AJ as he cried. "Alex, you hurt me…and Howie…but it was the alcohol and drugs that made you do it. You’re straight now and I know you aren’t stupid. I love you but I’m worried about you. Your voice sounds like shit, you look like shit, and your life is going down the drain FAST. You need help."

Alex held on to Sarah crying like a baby. He couldn’t believe of all people, Sarah was the one holding him. Kevin was right; he didn’t deserve Sarah’s understanding after what he had done to her.

Before either could say any more, Sarah was hit with a wave of nausea and she scrambled to the bathroom. AJ followed her as she barely made it. He held her hair back for her until she was done and then handed her a damp cloth to wash her face.

"You okay?"

"For now. Thanks for being here. God, where’s Howie?"

From behind them, Howie spoke up. "I’m right here, Angel. Alex, what the hell are you doing here?" he asked angrily.

Sarah spoke quickly to defend AJ, "He caught me when I almost fell, D."

AJ traded places with Howie and he took her in his arms. "What happened?"

"I got dizzy on my way in to find you."

Howie looked at AJ and the anger in his eyes softened. "Thanks, and I apologize for assuming the worst."

"It’s cool. At least you didn’t punch me…even though you have a good reason. Sarah, are you okay?"

Sarah looked at Howie. With her eyes, she asked, "Should we?"

Howie helped her up, "Let’s get out of here so we can talk. Sarah, are you okay now?"

"I think so."

The three moved out to the couch where Howie motioned for AJ to sit and Sarah sat in the chair. Howie took his place beside her putting his arm around her. He began, "AJ, this stays between the three of us. NO ONE else needs to know."

"Sure…not a problem."

"Sarah’s pregnant and the reason we’re telling you is because there’s a SLIGHT chance it’s yours."

"Holy shit!" muttered AJ under his breath. "I really screwed up."

"Yeah, you did," agreed Howie.

"Why aren’t you ready to kill me, D?"

"Because you need our support, Bone…not us pushing you even further under. You’re out of control and you need help. Look, you were there for us last year…countless times…and we’re gonna be there for you. That’s what friends are for."

AJ’s tears started again. "Will you EVER be able to forgive me?"

Sarah leaned to him and took his hands in hers. "Alex, we both will forgive you on one condition…you HAVE got to get help."

There was a knock on the door and then Raoul appeared. "It’s time for dinner."

Sarah looked at AJ as Howie said, "We’re on our way. Thanks."

Softly, Sarah asked, "Alex?"

"I’ll think about what you said. Sarah, I…"

"You don’t have to say it. Come on, let’s go in."

Sarah stood with Howie’s hand on her back but she took AJ in her arms hugging him tight. AJ looked at Howie who smiled and said, "We love you, Alex."

*********

The show that night was strained. The dance routines were off, the humor and camaraderie had lost its sparkle and the fans spent their time watching Nick and his cast and speculating on what had really happened. Little did they know how close to the truth their rumors actually were. In two days' time they would be given a rare glimpse into the previously sheltered world of a pop star.

Part 96        The Dance Index