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Three months later... "Welcome, welcome, everyone to my Biannual Full Staff Meeting, Fair, and Banquet!" Frieza purred to his audience of thousands of warriors, medical staff members, scientists, doctors, technicians, and anyone else who worked from him. Frieza was standing on the stage surveying his vast audience from his podium in the auditorium. He shouted happily (as happily as possible for a cruel tyrant like himself), "Let the festivities begin! And everyone, don't forget our Full Staff Meeting in two hours. Whether you are the highest Top Elite official to the lowest janitor scraping bubble gum off of the chairs, I expect you to be there. No excuses; everyone knows that this meeting is mandatory. I don't care if you are dying, or if your Aunt Gulp is getting married on Planet Belch to Prince Flatulence and has threatened to feed you to her pet Farting Fartknocker if you don't show up there. Be here--or be dead!" Everyone laughed because they knew Frieza expected them to, but a short, skinny, orange male praying mantis-like alien moaned, "I'm done for! I promised my Aunt Gulp that I'd be there--even if I had to risk death from Lord Frieza! Oh, sweet Kami, I don't know which death would be worst--Lord Frieza's disintergrating me, or Aunt Gulp's Farting Fartknocker devouring me before he farts on me to add flavor. Aunt Gulp fed my sister, Poot, to that beast because she didn't attend Aunt Gulp's one hundred and fiftieth birthday party! I'm doomed!" A white octopus alien with twenty arms and large, violet, soulful eyes patted the insectoid alien's back in sympathy with one of her numerous appendages. She then whispered, "Well, for once I'm thankful that Lord Frieza eliminated my entire race, for this was the day of my grandfather's wedding anniversary, and he ate seventeen of my fifty siblings when they failed to show up at his parties to celebrate. Whew! Good thing because I hated going to those parties!" Everyone, from Head Commander Zarbon, to Arby, the blue, six-eyed round janitor who cleaned the toilets, were there. Tipsy, the popular bartender for the Elite Lounge And Bar on Frieza's mother ship, was serving everyone drinks, and he was now having Dodoria stand near him for protection because he had ran out of supplies to make Crystal Blue Persuasion, the favorite drink of the Elite. Tipsy prayed to any Kamis around that his employees would bring in the fruit and juices necessary to create the popular drink soon before the crowd became restless. Frieza suddenly spoke up, "One moment please before all of you are dismissed to enjoy the festivities. My father, King Cold, wishes to make a speech." He and King Cold both ignored the groans, veiled and unveiled, of the minions. Frieza himself had to keep from groaning, for he hated his father's long speeches, as much as any of his minions. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen," King Cold told his captive audience primly. The tall Iceins's head touched the ceiling, with his long horns scraping marks in the ceiling, as he turned. "As you well know, I am sure, we have conquered almost all of the Bukata Galaxy, and one-quarter of the Rosetta. The Milky Way Galaxy has one-quarter of it conquered, and while those results are good, they could be better. We are looking to be entering the Starkan Galaxy next, and if any of you are from that part of the universe..." Balair was standing backstage behind the grand, purple, velvety curtains of the stage where King Cold was making his long, dull speech. He licked the blood off of his hand, the hand that he used to punch one of King Cold's guards in the face when the guard had tried to stop him from stealing the silvery-pink glittering dress that Balair was now wearing. The dress was low-cut, with a V neckline, ankle-length, with two slits up each side. The entire Ginyu Force was also backstage, teasing Balair and giving him a hard time. Baata wolf-whistled, "Balair, you look hot! That dress looks better on you than it did on King Cold's concubine, Izri!" Jeice added, "Hey, Bali, when's your birthday? I'll buy you shoes to match!" Guido chuckled, then he foolishly patted Balair on his tail. "Hey, Bali! When can we go on a date? I'll buy you this sterling silver necklace that I saw--" Balair responded by slamming his huge fist into Guido's four-eyed face. When the Sistrai warrior had retrieved his fist, Guido's face had a huge concave dent in the center where his nose had once been sticking out. His four eyes were sunken into his flesh. Guido emitted a small groan, for he could not cry aloud because his mouth had literally been shoved into his throat. "Anyone else want to comment?" Balair roared. "I do!" Ginyu sang merrily. He had just joined the rest of his team. "Like you have any room to talk, Ginyu!" Balair growled. "Has anyone told you that you look like something that Jaden puked up when you wear yellow--especially that bright sunshiny yellow. Bleck!" Ginyu blushed purple for he was wearing a silky yellow dress with a red sash and pink flowers on the sash. Ginyu had used a less violent method of procuring the dress than Balair did for his; he had simply sweet-talked the concubine, Shina, into it, promising her a spot on the Ginyu Girls, if King Cold would allow her. "Yeah, well, Bali, has anyone told you that redheads shouldn't wear pink?" Ginyu demanded to know. "And has anyone told you that you aren't supposed to wear white shoes after Labor Day?" Balair sneered. Labor Day among Frieza's forces was different than the Labor Day on Earth, for their Labor Day was the most violent day of the year, with Frieza's minions trying to conquer as many planets as possible before the sun went down on planet Ice. Ginyu scowled. "I happen to think that these white leather alligator pumps look good on me! Especially with the cute shiny pink bows! What do you think, men?" The other Force members groaned loudly and fell over backwards. Dodoria wandered backstage then, announcing, "Hey, guys! Tipsy's people finally brought the fruits and juices needed to make Crystal Blue Persuasion, so we'll finally have our favorite drink. And also--what the HELL is going on here? Bali and Ginyu, why are you wearing those dresses?" The Ginyu Force members abruptly jumped back up. Baata laughed. "Our good Captain and your best friend both lost their little bet concerning which one of them would get Chestra into bed first. Unfortunately, our fearless leader, Zarbon, bedded her first, so both of them now have to wear these dresses at the Biannual. Bali has to dance around Frieza and King Cold and Ginyu has to recite a love poem to a male Elite Officer." Guido, after rearranging his own face back into its proper shape, whispered to Dodoria, "Personally, I think that Bali looks better in his dress than our Captain does, although, I don't that pair of sparkly electric blue panty hose of Bali's match his dress..." Dodoria gave everyone a strange look. "Well, as long as Ginyu doesn't recite that love poem to me, I don't care. Heh, I feel for both of you, and those dresses don't look too bad on you guys either." Ginyu said happily, "Why thank you, Dodoria!" Balair growled at his closest friend, "Dodoria, do you have a death wish?" Dodoria laughed. "Not tonight, and you don't want to try to kill me right now anyway. Wouldn't want to see you mess up your new gown; it does look gorgeous on you." He then whispered to Guido, "I do agree with you about the panty hose, however; that bright electric blue is not Bali's color." Balair heard him and snarled, "Hey, you try finding queen-size hose to fit a king-size body at the last minute! It was either these or Eclipse's expandable gold fishnet stockings and garter!" The entire Ginyu Force perked up. "Eclipse has gold fishnet stockings and a garter?" they all asked. "How come we never saw them?" Reccoom wanted to know. "Personally, Bali, I think the gold fishnets would have worked better with that dress," Jeice said. Balair glowered at Jeice, but then he looked down at his hose and said thoughtfully, "Hmm...you know, Jeice, maybe you're right." Ginyu said finally, with a grin, "Okay, Bali, you go first!" Balair hissed, "Why should I go first? You go first!" Ginyu said, "The one who looks better in drag should go first, and I think that's you, Balair." Balair glared at Ginyu. "Dodi's right; blue is not my color. The colors that you are wearing look good on you, Ginyu, so you should go first." "I'll rock, paper, and scissors you for it!" Ginyu told him. "Fine," Balair agreed. They played rock, paper, and scissors, but both of them wound up with scissors three times. Balair growled, "Why don't we both just go first and get this over with!" Ginyu sighed reluctantly, "Works for me...although the Ginyu Girls will never let me live this one down. Eclipse has already offered to lend me her sleeveless sheer pink silk dress and her seven-inch glass slippers with the electric currents running throughout the shoes the next time I have to dress in drag." Dodoria jested, "Make you sure you ask about the gold fishnets, Ginyu! "I've got dibs on those first!" Balair shouted. All of his comrades looked at him oddly. Balair grumbled, "Never mind; let's just go and get this over with! Jaden will never let me live this down!" Baata chuckled. "I've heard that Jaden has volunteered to take you lingerie shopping next week, Bali! She saw a nice hot pink teddy that she thought would look good on you--" Balair's quick ki blast, which barely missed Baata's head, shut up the Ginyu Force Squad member in a heartbeat. King Cold was still in the middle of his long, tedious speech. "And let me add, ladies and gentlemen that the technology that we took from planet Hornswaggle is excellent, almost rivaling ours! The Hornswaggi people have this device that would allow you to compute figures in the trillions within nanoseconds..." At that inopportune moment, Balair begin to twirl onto the stage, dancing Ginyu's infamous Dance of Joy. Balair leapt gracefully into the air (as gracefully as possible for a bulky, muscular Sistrai warrior)--and landed on top of the long-winded King Cold. Balair was now perched in between King Cold's horns. The entire assembly forgetting their fear of King Cold and boredom with his speech, burst into laughter when they saw Commander Balair resting on top of King Cold's head between his horns. King Cold's eyes looked up at Balair slowly. He was obviously not pleased. "Exactly what is the meaning of this, Balair?" he asked, as his audience continued to laugh and laugh. "We love your hat, King Cold!" someone called out. "Where can I get one like it?" another person added. "Hey, Commander Balair, I love the dress!" a female purple alien with yellow hair and ten feet shouted. Several aliens wolf-whistled at Balair. Balair nearly decimated the three of them with a quick ki blast. No one dared to make fun of Balair's ensemble for a few minutes. King Cold's concubine, Izri screamed, "Hey, that's my dress!" Atara, another one of King Cold's concubines, who was jealous of Izri, "The dress looks better on Commander Balair than it does you!" "Who asked you?" Izri hissed. "Isn't Commander Balair a hunk?" Cana cooed. "Even when he's dressed in drag, he looks good! I like him almost as much as our King!" "I don't think that you want Commander Balair, Cana," Rey, a fourth concubine, said. "I've heard that he's mean to women." "I still think he looks good and hot!" Cana insisted. "It's not many men in Lord Frieza's forces that look good in a pink and silver dress." "He does look awful in bright blue hose though," Simi, a fifth concubine. "Yet the silver in the dress does become him." "Well, Balair?" King Cold wanted to know. Balair stammered, "Umm...well...it's time to sing my song." He cleared his throat and the tone-deaf warrior begin to sing the Song of Joy off-key: "Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy, I feel just like a little boy! Spring is here, and I'm so cheery; I feel as happy as a bright new berry! I am so young, so cute, so free! I'll fly 'round like a bumblebee! Oh, how I love pretty flowers, a violet, a tulip and a rose, Oh, what wonderful things they do to my nose! I love cute fuzzy bunnies and cuddly birdies! They're just too lovable for wordies! I'm so happy, so joyful, so carefree! Come sing the Song of Joy with me!" The entire audience fell over backwards, some laughing, some staring at the normally macho, sexist Balair in total disbelief. Jaden, who had been sipping her fourth Crystal Blue Persuasion at the bar, nearly choked on her drink when she heard Balair sing that song. Chestra, snuggled in a corner with Zarbon, laughed softly. "I will never think of Balair in the same way again!" Zarbon sighed, "Neither will I, especially if Lord Frieza and King Cold wind up incinerating him for this. I never thought that I would hear Balair sing that awful song!" Chestra continued to laugh, and her laughter brought a smile to her lover's face. "Captain Ginyu may be a great choreographer, but he's no lyricist!" Zarbon grinned. "If I ever sing that song like Balair did, sweetheart, will you promise to have Katsen examine my head?" Chestra laughed still. "It's a promise!" At that moment, poor Captain Ginyu flew out onto the stage while King Cold was prying Balair off of his head. Captain Ginyu gulped, for he and the other Force members had chosen the male Elite officer for him to "declare his love to" by drawing names out of a helmet. Ginyu looked like he wanted to cry, for it was Balair who had composed this poem. He sighed; Balair was a worst lyricist than he was. He looked mournfully into the audience and recited slowly: "How do I love thee, my little boy lover? You make my heart beat like no other! I want to jump your bones and stroke your body As soon as we each down a hot toddy! You make me shake, you make me sweat! I'll get you in bed, wanna bet? I moan and groan everytime I think of you! Just the thought of not boning you makes me blue! So come say you'll pleasure me tonight! Oh, I'll that you'll make me feel good alright! So come tell me that you'll be my man..." Ginyu gulped loudly, as he recited the last verse, "To get you in my bed, BALAIR, is part of my plan!" "WHAT?" Balair snarled, while everyone in the audience laughed louder than ever before. "You're dead, Ginyu!" Ginyu decided to get the next part over with as soon as possible. He began dancing his Dance of Love around Balair (who was now standing on the floor again) and King Cold. Ginyu pirouetted and twirled about on his toes, leaping gracefully around Balair and tiptoeing to him to get closer. He hesitantly ignored Balair's deadly glare, as he quickly threw himself upon his "intended". Balair hissed, "Ginyu, I'm warning you! If you do this, I'll--" Ginyu allowed himself to grin then. He'd be humiliated, but then so would be Balair. "You did say that this last part was part of the bet, Bali! So enjoy!" And he kissed Balair full on the lips right in front of everyone. King Cold fell over backwards, causing the entire stage and ground to shake. Jaden was rolling on the floor, laughing so hard that tears ran down her reptilian face. She called out, "Hey Bali, when's the wedding? Can I be your maid of honor?" King Cold, who had pulled himself off of the stage floor with Frieza's help, was furious. "Frieza, is this what normally goes on at your meetings?" Frieza stammered, for although he was the most heinous tyrant in the universe, he couldn't always tell off his father as much as he would like, "No-no, Father, not usually! Balair and Ginyu must be both very ill today." King Cold grumbled, "I believe that they are ill alright--as in the head. And these two are in Top Elite?" "Ginyu was your idea, Father," Frieza retorted. "Where is your Head Commander when these shenanigans are going on?" King Cold wanted to know. Frieza's eyes quickly scanned the audience for his Head Commander, and he found him snuggling in a corner with Chestra, both lovers laughing so hard that the tears flowed down their faces. He tapped his scouter and called through it, "Zarbon, get over here immediately and do something with these two fools before I decimate them!" Zarbon's voice stammered back through the scouter, "Yes, yes, sire, of course. Right away!" Coola, who had joined King Cold and Frieza by then, chuckled, "Your meetings amuse me, little brother! I should hire a few of your Elite officers for my forces--as circus clowns!" Frieza growled at his "perfect" older brother. Why couldn't idiotic things like what had happened to him today ever happen to Coola? Coola's officers never gave their leader the grief and embarrassment that Frieza's officers frequently gave him. Frieza hissed under his breath, for he hated it when Coola referred to him as "little brother". Coola patted Frieza's back companionably. "Don't worry, little brother. If you demote Ginyu and Balair after today, you can always keep them as court jesters!" Frieza said evenly, "Assuming I even allow those fools to live. Balair and Ginyu, come here now! I demand a full explanation for this fiasco immediately!" Both officers slowly crept over to their leader, as if walking to the gas chambers. When they had finally reached Frieza, Ginyu stammered, "Well, sire, it begin with this crazy bet that Bali and I had going--" Frieza narrowed his eyes. "And exactly what did this bet involve?" Balair gulped. "Do you promise not to kill us, if we tell you?" Frieza grumbled. "Depends on what kind of mood that I am in after your explanation, Balair." Balair, the more nervy of the pair, whispered, "We were betting on which one of us would get--" "BURP! WHERE ARE YOU?" A giant praying mantis-like woman the same height as King Cold stomped into the auditorium. All of the stage's occupants turned towards the strange orange woman. The praying mantis-like male cried out loud, "Oh no, Aunt Gulp! I can explain as to why I wasn't at your wedding--" "You can explain alright!" Aunt Gulp cried. "To my Farting Fartknocker! Let's go, Burp!" Her nephew began to frantically run away from her. "What is going on here?" King Cold wanted to know. Coola sighed, "Father, I think that this is one of those things that we are better off not asking about." Frieza turned from them to say coolly to Balair and Ginyu, "Now what did this bet involve?" Balair began to chuckle nervously. "Oh, Lord Frieza, you're going to laugh when you hear about this stupid bet that Ginyu and I had going! We both had the hots for Chestra, right? Right. Well anyway, Ginyu and I both wanted to screw--I mean date her, and so we...um...well, Ginyu can explain this better than I ever could." Ginyu muttered, "No thanks, Bali, this is your show." "The hell if it is! You're just as involved as I am, Ginyu! Now, Ginny, don't you have somethin' to tell our beloved Lord Frieza?" "No way, Bali, I think you ought to be the one to tell him." "Why don't you both just tell me?" Frieza growled. "What you two fools have to confess to can't be any worse than this circus you two performed today! You'll be lucky if you both are allowed to keep all of your limbs! Now just tell me and get it over with." Balair and Ginyu both had a horrible feeling that Frieza was not going to be pleased to hear the real reason as to why they had acted the way they did earlier. They didn't know why Frieza would honestly care as to who screwed Chestra, but they suspected that they would not get off easily. Their subordinate senses told them they were in for it, no matter what. Finally, both men took a deep breath each, and finally Balair said quickly and bluntly, trying to laugh to cover his nervousness, "Ginyu and I were betting on who would get Chestra into bed first, and we kept trying to court her and stuff, doing everything possible to get her to like us. But Zarbon beat us to the punch and popped her before either one of us could..." "...So, we had made this dumb bet with each other concernin' cross dressin' and singin' songs and stuff, sire. So no biggie really, sire. It was just a girl that led us to do these things. You know how hot Chestra is, sire, and you wanted to screw her yourself at one time, from what Bali has told me. Actually, from what I heard, you did try to screw her, but Zarbon got to be her first. We were as disappointed as you were, sire, for Bali and I each wanted her for ourselves." Frieza's face was expressionless for a few seconds, and then finally, he said as coolly and evenly as possible, "So you both betted on an innocent young woman and tried to get her into bed. Were either one of you serious about her, or were you two just planning to use her?" His voice was so cool, so silky, and yet it carried such a deadly undertone that Ginyu and Balair shrank back in fear. "Were you serious about her, gentlemen, or were you two planning to use her and cast her aside like one of the Ginyu Girls or one of my father's concubines?" Ginyu flushed slightly. "Well, sire, I'll confess: Bali and I weren't actually thinking beyond getting to be her first man." Balair gulped, as he added, "Um...yes, both of us had mainly just wanted to get her into bed, nothing more. But we've done that with plenty of sweet young things, and Chestra is just another pretty little girl with a great body and cute face. She's just one of many beauties, just a sweet female for our pleasure, nothing more." Balair saw the deadly glare on Frieza's face, and Frieza snarled at him, "You and Ginyu both disgust me! If you two fools ever come near her again, or even thinking of seducing her or using her, I will castrate both of you, and you two clowns will each have to pee through a straw for the rest of your pathetic lives, understand? Do not bother the girl again!" Balair and Ginyu trembled under Frieza's menacing stare. Ginyu dared to stammer, "S-sire, pardon me, but what is Chestra to you now? You've already agreed to let Zarbon have her; why'd you give her up?" "Yea-yeah," Balair agreed. "Wh-why does she still mean anything to you?" "That is none of your concern," Frieza told both men icily. "When I say not to touch or bother her again, that is what I mean. If I hear that you two did otherwise and upset that poor girl, you two will wish that you both were dead, is that clear? Now both of you get out of my sight before I change my mind about letting you two slimeballs live!" In the distance, Burp screamed, "SOMEONE SAVE ME!" While the three most dangerous warlords in the universe were watching poor Burp running from Aunt Gulp, Balair and Ginyu wisely used that time to slip away unnoticed. Who ever thought that Lord Frieza would still care that much about a young girl, especially one that he wasn't screwing? Did Frieza still have plans for Chestra, and if so, what? It no longer mattered at this point; Balair and Ginyu were well content to obey their liege's orders. Chestra was beautiful with nice curves, but she was not worth risking their lives for. Neither one of them were about to pull a Zarbon. Both were gone from the area before Zarbon arrived; when the head commander did, Frieza coolly sent him back to Chestra with a final warning that he better treat Chestra right. Zarbon assured him calmly that he did not need to worry about that. "Let's hope so," Frieza said edgily, as Zarbon began to leave to back to Chestra. After that disasterous day, neither Balair nor Ginyu made a play for Zarbon's new mate again. Strangely enough, both of them remained chaste for the next couple of months. |