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Internal Conflict by B.M. Gang |
~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter Five ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inner Reflections: Part II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shinji walked in silence, his arms pulled in tight to his body to keep warm. He had never been that cold. He didn't have any idea where he was going, he simply needed to walk. He didn't look up, he merely trotted along, staring at his feet as he went. Suddenly, he looked up to find himself in front of NERV Headquarters. He shook his head as he entered, "I always end up back here." * * * * * Asuka lay in bed silently. All she could think about was the torture she had gone through within her own mind. * * * * * ~ You are pathetic and weak. "I know I am" Asuka replied. ~ You never deserved to be a pilot. "You're right, I was never good enough." She stated weakly. Asuka sat in a lonely train car. The only thing she could hear was the train rattling on the tracks. She stood slowly and looked out the window. What she saw was infinitely beautiful, and equally frightening. It was a lush and beautiful world, a world with no Angels, with no pain, with no Evas. ~ What are you looking at? "I... I don't know." She stammered, gazing at the lush greenery and the children playing. ~ Do you want to know? "I... I'm not sure." ~ Why not? "Because I'm afraid damn it! Oh to hell with it, why do I have to justify myself to you? You were weak, you gave up!" She screamed, turning quickly to find a shadow of herself lying on a hospital bed. ~ Look child, look at what you've let yourself become. "That... that's not me... It can't be." ~ Oh, it is, you weak and pathetic child "Shut up." She replied coldly and quietly. ~ It seems I hit a nerve. I thought you knew you were weak, I thought you were a bad person. I must have misunderstood you. "Shut up." She said now with a little more force. ~ I did, didn't I? "Shut up you bitch, shut up shut up shut up!!!" She screamed as she reached down and started to strangle her own ghastly image. "Why must you mock me like this?" "Asuka?" A different voice called from behind her. She released herself and turned slowly to find Shinji standing there. "Asuka, are you alright?" Shinji said softly, taking a step towards her and towards the window... They now were both on the train. "Shinji, you dummkopf, what are you doing here!? Did I give you permission to enter my mind!?" She screamed taking three hard steps towards him. She rose her hand to slap him across the face and started to but.. ~ That's right, push him away. Push them all away. She pulled her hand down quickly, then looked up at Shinji. "What are you doing here?" "I’m sorry Asuka." Shinji said quietly, “I only came because I care about you.” "No you don't... you couldn't. I'm not a good person. I'm weak, and I'm a fool. And, I hate you." With that Asuka looked up, her blue eyes full of agony as she moved her hand to slap him across the face. Once again, she didn't, but this time, it was Shinji's hand that stopped her. "Don't play this game Asuka." He said calmly, holding her hand in his. "You know you don't want to be here. Why don’t you leave?" ~ You don't deserve to be anywhere else. "I... I don't deserve to be anywhere else. This is my punishment." "You're punishment? Punishment for what Asuka?" He retorted angrily. "What did you do to deserve so cruel a fate as to stay here, to be taunted by your mother?" ~ I never wanted you, never. "She, she didn't want me." "Bullsh!t." Another voice called from behind her. She turned to see Misato standing there, her hands on her hips. "That's just an excuse that you make to cover yourself. Your mother loved you, but she had problems. The only one who didn't want you was your step-mother." "Do you really think that your real mother would say those things to you?" Shinji said bluntly, grabbing Asuka's shoulder and turning her away from Misato. She found herself in a dark room, sitting in a chair. Before her was a glowing blue light, shimmering gently. > Hello Asuka "Ma... Mamma!" Asuka cried out, a tear rolling down her face. > Yes my Asuka, it's me. "Why did you leave me?" Asuka screamed out, all the questions she had always been too afraid to ask herself rushing to the forefront. > Honey, I was always with you, in you heart, in your blood, in your mind. Those things I did, those words I said, they were not my own. "Wha... what do you mean mother?" > Asuka, I was very sick. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. ~ You be quiet, you're filling this child's head with useless thoughts and lies. She will never be whole, because you, like me, hate her. > You are lying. Asuka, I must go now. "No Mamma, don't leave me." > I never have, and I never will. Hold me in you heart, and do not listen to her. She is filling you with lies, filling you with hatred and self loathing. Asuka closed her eyes tightly, holding her head in her hands. Then, she felt her mother touch her face. She looked up quickly, tears rolling down her face, and found herself to be in the train again. Across from her sat Shinji. He sat in silence, listening to his SDAT. She stood and sat beside him. "Shinji?" She questioned softly, looking away, "Shinji, can you hear me?" He simply sat there, looking forward, not paying attention to her. "Shinji, I... I'm sorry." She turned to find him staring forward, not listening to her. She stared at him intently, then in a fit of anger, she ripped the headphones off his head and threw them across the car, crashing against the window. "Listen to me!!!" ~ Why should he? You never listened to him, you never cared about his feelings. All you ever did was attack him. Why should he trust you, why should he listen to you? Why should he forgive you? "He has no reason to." She said quietly. "But, Shinji will, because he's not like me. He doesn't sit silently when someone is pleading with him. He isn't me." "Asuka..." Shinji said softly, looking up at her. "I believe you... and I forgive you. But..." He stood slowly, looking down at her, "I don’t know that you believe you." "Shinji, what do you mean?” Asuka replied gazing at him. ~ It’s simple. You are so untrustworthy that you can’t even believe yourself. “But I do, I do believe myself. I know that I was wrong!” Asuka replied, shouting at the faceless voice of her step-mother. “Why must I be tortured like this?” ~ Because you weren’t good enough, and, you are a bad person. “I’m not a bad person! I failed, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” She looked over to Shinji. “How many times can I tell you I’m sorry?” "But you're not. You're telling an illusion of me, an illusion that you built with your own mind, that you're sorry." He stood again. "You see, as long as you're bottled up in here, in this place, you need only you." He turned, gesturing to the world of that train. "You need no one, all you need is your own self-doubt." "I want to live out there," she replied, pointing out the window, "But I don't deserve to. How can you love me, how can you love someone who hates herself so much?" “I don't know, that's how life works. You give, you take, you get hurt. But in my mind, that hurt is worth it." He said softly, taking her hand. "Let me take you out of this place, back to the real world." At that, Asuka gazed at him. “Hurt me or hate me, do whatever you please. I need you to keep my world sane. You see, no matter what you do, you are a part of my world, and that’s all that’s important to me. Without you in my world, I don’t know that my world would have any meaning.” She stood silently, looking up at Shinji. ~ He will only leave you. Why would anyone want to be with you? If he doesn’t leave you of his own will, you will push him away with yours. She turned angrily, looking for the source of the voice so that she could address it. "You're wrong, I need one..." With that, she grasped Shinji's hand with her own. The train slowed down as it pulled into the station. As it stopped, the doors opened and Shinji and Asuka walked into the light of day, together. * * * * * Asuka sat up in bed, a single tear rolling down her face. It was not a tear of pain, not a tear of loneliness, not one of self-doubt, but one of joy. She smiled lightly, leaning herself back against the headboard of the bed. "Hello Asuka, how are you today?" Dr. Akagi said as she walked in to check on the Second Child. "I'm fine Doctor Akagi." She said shortly, the smile fleeing her face. "That's a good sign." "What is?" Asuka replied coldly. "You're back to you're old self, you may even be able to pilot again." She said quietly, looking through Asuka's charts, checking her brain scans. "I..." She stopped a bit bewildered, "I thought Shinji defeated the last Angel." "Well, now they're attacking again apparently. Shinji destroyed the first one, but, there may be more coming. I don't know what happened, but something changed in Shinji..." She shook her head and turned to leave. "What, what changed in Shinji?" Asuka called after Ritsuko, nearly jumping out of her bed. She turned back to look at Asuka. "He's colder and more focused now. I'm worried about him." She turned and walked out of the room. At those words, Asuka fell back to her bed, worried that after everything she had been through that Shinji would reject her. Now she cried in pain, rolling into a ball, fearful, and feeling more alone then she ever had before. Just then, Shinji walked into the room, walking over to Asuka's bed. She didn't see him walk in, nor had she heard him. He approached slowly, reaching out and caressing her cheek. "Asuka, are you alright?" He said softly. She turned quickly and leapt up to embrace him. "Oh Shinji, I'm so sorry for everything I put you through..." She cried into his shoulder, holding him tightly. "It's okay Asuka. I'm here." To be continued... ~*~*~*~*~*~ Author's Notes: Finally, Chapter 5 of Internal Conflict is out. If you are reading this anywhere other than Ganger's Fanfiction Archives or in the Dark Vault (by way of Darkscribes.org). Above all, I would like to thank my dedicated pre-reader Alnilam. You rock!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanx for taking the time to read it, and please send me some feedback!!! B.M. Gang Ganger's Fanfiction Archives Darkscribes.org, home of the Dark Vault |
