Liz woke up not with the feeling that she'd only been asleep for a few minutes. No, that couldn't be right... Liz decided she had gotten up at some time during the night and gone to bed and then forgotten about it, because she remembered falling asleep sitting next to Brian on the floor. No, wait again... Liz shook her head, ultimately confused as she took stock of the situation. There was light coming in the windows, the lights in her room which she distinctly remembered leaving on were off, and she was in her bed. And Liz could have sworn she'd been wearing her sneakers. She sat up groggily. The clock across the room read 8:49 A.M. Liz started to brush her hair out of her face and realized there was a piece of paper on her desk and was grateful that her bed and desk were close enough for her to get the paper without getting out of bed.
Good morning Liz. She liked the handwriting. Sorry I fell asleep. I've really got to get out of here and take the dogs home, but I'll come back tomorrow just to be obnoxious and check up on you. Much thanks for taking care of Tyke and putting up with Susie! Hope everything's okay. Seeya later... -Brian. Liz smiled, then looked at the clock again, blinking. Ivy must have woken up by now! Oh, jeez. She started to get up then froze, shocked when her door creaked.
"Hello again." Brian looked in the door with a cheerful, albeit tired smile. "Sorry, should have knocked. I thought you were sleeping." He walked in holding Ivy, with a white paper bag in one hand.
"Lizza! Lizza!" Ivy giggled, waving a muffin at her happily.
"Oh my god. Brian, you don't have to-"
"It's okay. Consider it thanks for keeping my dogs." He reached into the bag and offered her a muffin.
"You're way too nice for your own well-being, Brian. Thanks," she said as she took the muffin.
"How's that?"
"There's no way you're not busy with a million other things to do and sick of me and stuff. And even I can tell you're really tired."
"I'm not busy, and I'm not that tired and I'm not sick of you," he contradicted. Busy, yes. But not with anything that can't wait. Tired. God, yes. Very tired. But not sick of you. What happened to you, Liz?
"I believe you." Liz nodded unconvincingly. She leaned over and picked up Ivy. "Morning, Ivy." The phone rang and Liz picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi sweetie. How's everything going?" Liz frowned slightly.
"Fine, good. Everything's fine, Mom."
"Really? So you're all right?"
"Yeah, I'm still okay. Bye." She hung up, not waiting for a response. "She must pay a lot for long distance. She calls at least ten times a day," she said casually.
"That's a good thing, though," Brian corrected. "She wants to make sure you're okay on your own."
"Well, I've been fine on my own for more than five years," Lizza said without thinking.
"Really? How old are you?"
"Twenty-three. I went to college in New York, I'm originally from Conneticut [a.n.: did i ever say lizza was from new hampshire? i can't remember! which state???]"
"What was your major?" Brian was somewhat fascinated with the idea of college.
"French, but just because I already knew it. My minor was interior design; that was a lot more fun."
"That's cool." He smiled. He'd assumed Liz was younger, that maybe she had graduated from high school not long ago. He liked talking with her, but he was afraid to ask about something she wouldn't want to talk about, even though he was practically dying of curiosity to ask her a few things.
"Mostly, I just used the interior design classes for fixing up my own apartment."
"Tell me about your apartment."
"It was really really small. Most of the rooms had a kind of dark blue carpet and greyish purple walls, so it could get kind of gloomy, but there were lots of windows so usually it wasn't too bad."
"Sounds nice." Brian listened intently. Ivy slid off the bed and sat on the floor talking to herself merrily.
"Yeah, it was okay. I kind of liked having a small place but no one else understood. I wouldn't have stayed there much longer, anyway..." Liz mused, then realized she sounded confusing. "My wedding would have been in two months- I was going to marry Chris. But, uh, me and Todd had been dating on and off for two years and I never really ended it. Last Monday Todd and I stopped by at my apartment to get my drum sticks before a show and Todd was kind of drunk, I guess. I was being obnoxious and he got mad and I got kind of beat up..or something... so I lost my baby. ...Joseph. It was a boy." she corrected herself absentmindedly. Brian met her gaze, slightly wide-eyed, for a moment then wrapped his arms around her. Liz remembered to breathe in. To have said all that out loud felt strange. Last Monday. Wow, Lizza.. You really messed things up.
"How'd you get through this week? That... it must have been.. impossible." Brian didn't know what to say.
"I dunno, I mean- I'm okay. My parents are completely devastated, and Chris and his family. I just completely screwed everything up, not to mention I basically killed my own son." She was strangely calm.
"No..." Brian's head spun as he tried to understand her logic.
"Yeah," she contradicted simply. "I should never have been seeing Todd to begin with." She shook her head, seeming slightly disappointed. "I think the worst thing is what happened to the baby, and also poor Chris. His life is ruined. He was getting married in two months, he was going to be a dad, he had just gotten his Masters degree in business.. Now he has a big fat degree, woohoo. And an empty apartment."
"It-"
"Then sometimes I think he's probably better off without someone who'd do that to him."
"But it wasn't you."
"It really was. Anyway, um.. How are you?" She didn't want to hear any of that, didn't want any pity or anything.
"Good.. I'm okay. But, umm..." At the risk of being annoying, he refused to drop the subject. "It wasn't your fault."
"It was too," she said stubbornly. "You probably just don't understand or something."
"Really?"
"Yes. Who else's fault was it? I was the one taking advantage of Chris's trust. I decided to keep running around with Todd. ...I could tell he was getting angry but I kept acting like a whiny bitch. I could have left at any time but I didn't. Hell..I could have remembered to bring my drumsticks, ya know? I had every chance."
"Lizza..." He looked at her steadfastly. She met his gaze without hesitation and it was obvious that she believed what she said.
"What?"
"Uhh, Liz, I mean. Sorry." He blinked as he gathered his thoughts which had been scattered somewhere between the last few words they'd spoken. "Have you thought about it? I mean-"
"No, not much at all.. which would probably be why I kind of lost it yesterday. I'm really sorry."
"No, it's fine. But I was gonna say, if you had heard it the way you told me, it doesn't sound like you made it happen. And I don't think you did."
"I might not have made it happen, but I definitely set myself up for it."
"Did you ever predict that kind of thing might happen?"
"No! If I had, do you actually think-"
"It wasn't your fault, then...right?" She was watching him skeptically. "I dunno, it makes sense to me."
"It makes sense, but it still isn't right. Just forget about it. Easier that way," she said mindlessly. Ivy climbed onto the bed and sat on Liz's lap.
"Excuse me. Could you repeat that please?" Brian pretended to hold out a microphone.
"Repeat what? ... Easier that way? ... Just forget about it? What?" She was confused.
"Thank you! And again?"
"I see... You're right. I'm wrong." So maybe just forgetting about it isn't easier.
"You didn't make it happen." "If I say okay, can we change the subject?" Why didn't he know when to stop? She wanted to be angry but couldn't suppress a smile.
"Liz? Swim?" Ivy pleaded, tugging on a lock of Liz's hair.
"Right! See? We could go sit by the pool if you want," Liz added.
"Sure.. sounds good," he said peacefully. He stuck around for another hour or so. Ivy splashed around joyously in a blue plastic wading pool while Liz and Brian sat by attentively. Their conversation was slightly strained most of the time, with Brian consciously avoiding restating his thoughts on their earlier 'debate' and Liz pretending she didn't know he was. Around eleven *in the morning* Brian's cell phone rang shrilly and he reminded himself to find a phone that didn't sound so obnoxious.
"What was that noise?" Liz hoped she wasn't having auditory hallucinations.
"My phone. Just a sec.." He took the obnoxious phone out of his pocket. "Hello?"
"Hey B."
"Hey, Nick, 'sup?"
"Nothin'...When did you get back?"
"Last night, around eight."
"And you're not asleep? Very impressive."
"Very," Brian agreed.
"Tired?"
"Uh huh."
"Go to sleep then. Did I wake you up? That phone you have sounds like crap."
"Nah, I've been up since, uh, seven or something."
"Damn! Seven? Even Kev doesn't get up that early. Well, sometimes he does.. Remember that time on the last tour when he tried to make everyone get up at five every morning? It lasted for, like, a week. That was a bad week. Bri, are you awake?"
"Yeah. ..I should go. Call ya later."
"Okay, bye."
"Sorry about that." Brian turned off the phone and restored it to one of the cargo pockets on his khakis.
"It's okay."
"I should go.. I have a lot of stuff to unpack," he said reluctantly. Sorry, Brian, you can't stay here forever.
"Aww, no fun. Go home and sleep for about a week, okay?"
"I have to leave in a couple days to promote the new CD, so that might not be happening." He shrugged. "Oh well."
"Who keeps your dogs while you're gone?" Liz asked hopefully.
"Actually, they come with me."
"Well then. I guess they can't live with us again for ... however long it is you'll be gone."
"Nah, you'd get really sick of them before we get back. It'll be at least a month."
"That's a long time.. You must get really tired," she said, feeling stupid because she couldn't find anything else to say. There was silence for a few seconds.
"Kind of, yeah, but that's okay. Could I call you sometimes?"
"Definitely!" she said eagerly, then started blushing and looked down. "I mean, yeah, um.. If you want."
"That's cool. My cell phone number.. umm..." He found a pen in his pocket, smiling, and wrote it on her hand. "If you want it."
"Great, thanks. Umm, also for, um..." She was cut off when Brian hugged her.
"Call if you want to talk, anytime."
"Not anytime."
"Well I'm kind of busy sometimes, but still.... please call me? Sometimes?"
"Sure. I'd like to."
"Talk later, then."
"Bye..."
"Bye bye! Later!!" Ivy yelled as Brian left.