Oh. And ... um... June is a freak. And she listens to freak music like Fiona Apple, who is highly awesome. There's a Fiona Apple song June feels is oddly related to Elene and she would like to type some of the lyrics here. So read, damn you! :)
i wouldn't know what to do with another chance
if you gave it to me
i couldn't take the embrace of a real romance
it'd race right through me
i'm much better off the way things are
much much better off, better by far, by far
i wouldn't know what to say to a gentle voice
it'd roll right past me
and if you chalk it up you'll see i don't really have a choice
so don't even ask me
i'm much better off the way things are
much much better off, better by far
so keep on calling me names, keep on, keep on
and i'll keep kicking the crap til it's gone
if you keep on killing you can get me to settle
and as soon as i settle i'll be
able to move on
how can i fight, when we're on the same side?
how can i fight beside you?
Lyrics to that song written by Fiona Apple, for those who didn't pick that up. :::)
NO! I'm not going to read this, damn you! Take me back to the main page.
"Who's there?" she whispered. "What is it?" Someone was pounding on the door in the dark room. The knocker ignored and the pounding grew louder. "What is it? Come in. Who's there?" she whimpered, choking on darkness and fearing that the reverberations from the hammering on her door would cause her head to break. "Who's there???" she screamed with the last of her breath.
Wake up. Breathe, damnit. Breathe. This isn't real. It's another nightmare. Wake up. Breathe in, breathe out. She sat up and turned on a light that was unnecessary.
"Damnit..." she growled at the evening sunlight pouring in the windows before she pulled the curtains over them. There was blood all over her pillow. Drying on her forearm. "I put a band-aid on that." The phone screamed. "Hello?" Band-aids were never enough.
"Elene. You’re late. I'm waiting in the lobby. Your shift started eighteen minutes ago."
"Shit."
"Night shifts suck. I'm sorry."
"I'll be there in two minutes." She hung up and got dressed. "No long sleeves..." She dug through the drawers. Short sleeves were okay. No one would notice a band-aid and if they did, they wouldn't say anything about it. She brushed her hair and ran out the door. Down one hallway, turn left. Desk right there. Sit down. Wear nametag. She hated working in a hotel. She considered quitting again, and decided not to again. She hated nearly everything. Why did it matter? Some happy people walked in the doors that were held open by intimidating men who were probably bodyguards. Talk laugh talk laugh smile tell joke laugh walk by remember to check in. Never mind, someone's going to do that for you. Right? Wrong... Right. The happy people walked out of the lobby. A few seconds later, someone approached the desk.
"We're on the third floor. Staying for a week. It's been pre-arranged." Elene looked up at the source of the bitchy voice and smiled sweetly, then looked through the clipboard of papers near her.
"Of course. Thank you." I love my job.
"When do we get to eat? I'm hungry." AJ's face lit up. "I think we should get pizza."
"You jerk! I'm never eating pizza in the same country as you again!" Nick pushed AJ into Howie.
"What, Nick? Don't you like pizza?" Howie asked innocently as he stumbled.
"Not with AJ!"
"You weren't here when that happened, D. Last night AJ put dish soap on Nick's pizza," Kevin explained smoothly. Nick scowled.
"Because he took the slice I wanted," AJ said with a grin. "If I can't have it no one can."
"I got it. It made me sick. I hope you're fucking happy." Nick hadn't slept enough.
"Where's Bri?" Kevin was trying to keep everyone in the same room. "He was here a second ago."
"Brian's up there." AJ pointed ahead. Brian was trudging up the hallway dragging a heavy suitcase as though his ankles were manacled.
"Yo Brian! Where's Judith?" Howie called. Judith was a sweet, pretty girl a few years older than Brian he'd been seeing for a few weeks.
"She's meeting me for dinner," Brian sighed. He would have loved to eat pizza with the rest of the guys. But Judith was in love with a certain restaurant somewhere nearby. She had promised Brian that they could eat there every night this week to celebrate the end of the tour.
"You'll miss the pizza!" AJ said, disappointed he'd have one less soul to bother.
"Too bad" Brian said forlornly as Nick yelled that they were not ordering pizza for dinner so it didn't matter anyway. Brian dropped the suitcase and spun around. Someone was staring at him; he could just feel unfamiliar eyes on his back. Judith was here. No, she wasn't... there were all the guys, some of their staff people, and a mouse. a mouse? a girl standing at a desk. No one was looking at him. He turned around and kept hauling the bag up the hallway.
~three days later~
"Hurry up." He heard the familiar voice, but it sounded as if it were a few miles from his ear rather than a few inches. "Wake up." She knew he was awake. It wasn't even dark yet. He reconsidered the last thought, looking at the blue and violet streaked sky. "What's wrong with you?! I'm going to be late!" the strikingly pretty British actress screeched. Her lovely face hardly made up for the unpleasantness of her voice. He looked at her sluggishly but thoughtfully. "Fine! I'm leaving without you. You know I have a photo shoot at nine. " She looked at him pensively, awaiting an angry response, but he just shrugged. “I'm breaking up with you!"
"If that's the way you feel." He'd only known her for three weeks. Why was she acting like they'd been together for years?
"It is! You know what, Brian? I really liked you at first. I even respected you. But now you're out of luck. I'm tired of putting up with you. All of a sudden, God knows why, you couldn't care less about me!" She started weeping. "Don't call me," she choked out as she stormed away. Brian flinched. She wanted him to follow her into the parking lot and convince her untruthfully that he loved her and didn't want her to leave. She was that type. Couldn't stand a friendly break-up. He'd tried last week to tell her that they were too different, but she had smiled at him appealingly and said something about opposites attract or some crap like that. Maybe she could tell that he was lying. He didn't know enough about her to judge whether or not they were different. He didn't know enough about himself to decide that. All he could see for sure was that it wasn't working out. Hell, who cares, he thought, hurriedly stalking across the room and following her down the hallway. What was it about having someone near him while he slept that was comforting?
"Judith? I'm sorry, Judith," he called after her as he walked down a hallway and entered the lobby of the hotel, trying to sound apologetic. As he slid open a glass door, he heard a car door slam impossibly loudly and then saw her black Mercedes speed by, driving way too fast for being in a parking lot. He sighed resignedly and rested his forehead in his hand, not so much at breaking up with her, but at the knowledge that it didn't have to be that upsetting for her. He couldn't bring himself to care about her, but disliked knowing he'd made her cry.
"Sir? You dropped something." A voice from somewhere to his right addressed him. He looked behind him and saw a photograph-- a 4 by 6 inch portrait of Judith. He picked it up, crumpled it in his fist, and shoved it in his pocket, then turned around to thank the owner of the voice who had noticed it. There was no one there. Wait... yes, there was! A girl who seemed to blend into the surroundings. She looked as though she would camouflage no matter where she was.
"Thanks." He looked hesitantly at her. She was already fading into the wall again. She nodded. "Hey..." He took a few steps closer, curious about something. She involuntarily took a barely noticeable step backwards. "Are you bleeding?" There was a red-brown smear on her arm. She lifted her wrist up to her chin to peer down at her forearm and he saw a few layers of band-aids around her wrist in the split second before she leaned over, letting her hair fall over her wrist.
"Umm. Thanks." she mumbled unprofessionally and started rubbing at her arm despondently. Brian took her tone as a hint that his presence was unwanted and left.
She hated addressing anyone as 'sir,' especially men who looked close to her age. And when she knew perfectly well who they were. Maybe he was made uncomfortable by the fact that she didn't give a damn. In fact, his name made her want to stay even further away. 'Sir' left, still looking grievous over his lost love that had dramatically stormed out a few moments earlier. She saw him looking for her after he found the picture he'd dropped and unhappily scrunched it. Why didn't he want it? Was it a picture of his beautiful beloved that he didn't want to pain himself by remembering? She knew expressions well, and the girl who had just stormed out weeping loudly, mascara dripping down her cheeks, looked more attention-hungry than injured. This might have consoled 'Sir' but it wasn't the kind of thing she told people. As soon as he was out of sight, she darted from behind the desk and washed her arm in a bathroom.
"Brian!!! Hey, sup?" As Brian approached his door, Nick ran to greet him joyously. "You're usually out with Judith now. Not going to dinner?" Brian shook his head mutely. "You can eat pizza with us!" Brian laughed apathetically.
"You already forgot about the dish soap, Nicky."
"Nope. AJ's out with Kendra." Nick looked smug. "C'mon. Everyone's in Kevin's room."
"I think I'll go to bed. Judith just broke up with me. If I'm there I'll just sit around and look dismal."
"Oh..." Nick's smile melted. "Sorry." Brian instantly felt guilty.
"No, it's okay! I'm fine. Have fun." Brian managed a hollow smile and lightly pushed Nick in the direction he'd come from.
"Bye," Nick said over his shoulder.
Brian closed and locked the door to his room. He was glad to be away from Judith's stifling presence, but he hated being alone. He'd had a dozen girlfriends in the last year and a half. He could have named each of them but spared himself the trouble. They were all the same to him. Brian inattentively straightened stuff around the room. He felt more numb than usual, which was actually kind of remarkable. Aimlessly he wandered around the hotel room for about a half hour before falling asleep, leaning against the door.
~the next morning~
"Anyone wanna go swimming?" Howie looked around hopefully. Kevin looked at him lethargically without rising from the floor.
"Me!" AJ stood up to look for his swimming trunks and tripped over Kevin.
"I'll go," Nick said without much enthusiasm.
"Maybe we can get Bri to come," Howie wondered.
"Yeah right. It's not even five yet. He's asleep. He was tired at nine," AJ remarked casually.
"I'll see if I can wake him up." Nick frowned at AJ.
"Get over it, Nick! That was ... umm... four days ago! You probably can't even remember what color the soap was anymore."
"It was clear. It had no color. That's why I didn't see it!!" Nick walked out and closed the door none too quietly.
"Jeez," AJ muttered.
"AJ, if someone fed YOU soap-" Kevin began to defend Nick..
"I'd eat it and get on with life!" AJ asserted.
"Brian?" Nick tried opening the door but it was locked. "Wake up. Open the door! Brian???" he called, bewildered. He hit the door, trying not to be too loud in case Brian was awake and not coming to the door. (This kind of thing had been happening a lot over the last few months.)
Brian heard Nick's voice, and he was fully awake by the time he started beating the door. He reached up above his head and unlocked it, but as he was still tired, didn't think of moving. On the other side of the door, Nick tried opening it again. The doorknob turned this time, but there was some kind of weight on the door.
"Brian? Did you put something in front of... Bri? What are you doing???"
"Hi." Brian gave Nick a small smile and waved at him from the floor, then stood up. "I was sleeping."
"I guess so. Why were you sleeping on the door?"
"This kid needs to get his directions straight." Brian looked aside as if talking to someone else. "I mean... I was next to the door. Not ON it." He skillfully dodged the question.
"Ha ha. Wanna go swimming?" Nick looked hopeful.
"Sure. Go ahead. I'll be there in a sec." Brian had an objectionable habit of eavesdropping unintentionally. He walked down the hallway to one of the pools, the one he assumed the guys would go to because it was nearest, dragging a towel behind him on the ground.
A voice whimpered somewhere behind one of the doors nearby. Brian inadvertently slowed and listened more carefully than before. "Who's there? Who's there??" Much louder the second time. A male voice replied. "Shut up, would you? I know you've only been here for an hour, but I'm trying to sleep... Damn, you're so nauseating! Why don't you put a bandage on that? Better yet ... " Something Brian couldn't hear. "I'm leaving. This isn't my problem." Brian darted away from the door and continued dragging his towel behind him. He didn't look behind him as the door slammed, the noise concealing a reply he might otherwise have found interesting.
"Brian!!!!" He was standing by the pool taking off his shoes when a wet towel slapped him from behind. He toppled into the pool with a yell. He decided to not think about Judith for a while. Well, that wouldn't be very hard... so why did he feel so melancholy?
"Who did that?!" he demanded, wiping water off his face.
"It was AJ," Kevin replied, looking stately in a chair with a towel draped over his shoulders. Brian glanced at the water. AJ was a few yards off, swimming underwater. Brian found AJ's shoes and put them in the water.
'What are you doing to his shoes???" Howie was bewildered. Why would anyone do anything so malicious?
"He pushed me in the water. My shoes are wet."
"Brian, AJ pushed you in the water. Those shoes..."
"What did I do???" Nick whined. "My shoes! Those are my favorite shoes."
"Oops. I meant to get AJ's shoes."
"Don't worry about AJ. He'll get his soon." Nick smiled mischievously.
"What, you bastard???" AJ climbed out of the pool, looking at Nick threateningly. "Where'd you get that..." Nick took the top off a bottle of liquid dish soap and poured it on AJ before he could finish asking where he'd found it.
"Some girl told me where to find it about an hour ago. No, maybe more than that...." Nick looked at his watch.
"Still deciphering the mysteries of time-keeping, Nick?" Brian smirked.
"No! My watch is broken." Nick looked around at them distrustfully. "Oh, yeah.... I hit it on the side of the pool a minute ago. Ha ha. What time is it?"
"Five after five," Kevin replied.
"I found the soap at almost four. A person told me it was in a cabinet in the kitchen."
"A person? Does Nick have a girlfriend we don't know about?" Howie raised his eyebrows.
"Naa. She was at the desk in the lobby."
"Well I am going to have a word or two with that girl at the desk in the lobby!" AJ started to stomp away.
"Her shift ended at four," Nick called after him. "Maybe she'll be there tomorrow night."
"Damn, Nick! Have you slept at all tonight?" Brian asked.
"I slept from ten until three," Nick answered. "I'm tired." Kevin tossed him a dry towel. "Thanks." Nick got his wet shoes out of the pool, stuck his feet in them and walked out.
"I'm going to get something to eat," Kevin stated. Howie followed him.
"Hey!! Wait. I'm hungry. Is there any food left over from dinner?" AJ inquired.
"Pizza!!" Howie yelled happily. Howie loved pizza.
"I'm coming!! Wait for me!" AJ ran after them, dripping water everywhere.
With everyone gone and not yet ready to go back to sleep, Brian wandered around the hotel for a while. It was large, but a lot of the hallways looked the same. Brian was thinking about the voice in the hallway from earlier that night (morning?) and muttering things to himself.
"Three forty five... Ended at four. One hour. Five. Five till five. Nine... four. Seven hours??" Brian almost collided with someone. "Whoa there. Sorry," he said as a person irately walked past him. He looked up. He was standing near another pool. The same one? No, it was a different one. Where was he? What floor was he supposed to go to? He wandered randomly in and stopped quickly. There was a girl standing a few feet in front of him. She was wearing a shabby long-sleeved tee shirt and faded cargo jeans. She whirled around to face him and inhaled sharply. In one of the pockets on her jeans, her right hand clutched something sharp with and she flinched.
"Ow," she breathed in a quiet voice. She pressed her fingers against the fabric of the pocket, hoping her fingers weren't bleeding.
"What? I'm sorry. I wasn't following you."
"Nothing. It's okay. You're the guy that dropped the picture." She had an expression of disinterested recollection.
"Yeah... How'd you know?"
"You came into the lobby chasing your girlfriend. I saw you drop the thing. I said 'Sir? You dropped something.' You picked it up and asked if I was bleeding-" she recited mechanically.
"Oh. Sorry." Brian expected her to look irritated, but she only looked tired, sort of unresponsive.
'"It's okay." There was an awkward silence she seemed perfectly satisfied with. She had come here first. She wasn't leaving.
"Hey... your jeans..." Brian pointed, confused, at a red spot appearing on her jeans. She looked at her pocket, not surprised. She took her hand out of the pocket and started to look at her fingertips. Brian instinctively reached for her hand and she jerked backwards as soon as his fingertips brushed her. "Sorry.. just... habit. Ya know." He tried to sound friendly. "What happened to your hand?" He could see that all of the fingertips on her right hand sported at least a few tiny cuts. "Paper cuts."
"Don't feel like talking?" He wasn't trying to be rude, only honest. It was obvious that those weren't paper cuts.
"No. And you don't really care." She looked at him with the same candid expression and half-smiled coldly. That remark had finally sent him off. 'Sir' could just go back to his room and sleep now. Or at least out of her sight. She walked up to the pool and sat by the edge, dipping her legs in up to her knees. 'Sir' might not appreciate having his dashing good looks worth nothing with her, but she was sure he'd be just peachy keen tomorrow. Or later today, rather. As soon as her shift ended, she was a client of the hotel just like 'Sir' and didn't have to be polite to anybody she didn't damn feel like being polite to. Hopefully, she'd never have to talk to him again. Not having to talk to anybody ever again would be preferable, but that was unrealistic. At least for now. She was as close to happy as she could remember, sitting in a big room with her feet in the pool, by herself. That was the most important. Kind of. At four minutes past six she walked back to her room and went to sleep.
~later that day~
"Wake up! Nick. Wake up!!!" Howie shook Nick's shoulder as he slept. "We have a concert at five. You have an hour and a half to get ready and all that crap you hate."
"Gee thanks Howie. That's nice to wake up to."
"Well, if you hadn't overslept..."
"When was I supposed to wake up?" Nick was clueless.
"Oh, just maybe sometime before lunch or something."
"I was awake at lunch! I ate lunch with you, remember? Howie, you idiot." Nick had eaten leftover pizza with Howie at eleven before going to bed.
"Get up!" Howie pulled Nick out of his bed by his arm.
"OW!" Nick yelled. AJ, walking by in the hall, heard him and came in.
"Howie! What are you doing? You murderer!" Howie looked shocked and dropped Nick's arm. "Has anyone seen Brian?" AJ asked.
"He's out there." Howie pointed at the window. There was a small deck with some chairs and a table. "Well tell him to come in. Someone wants to brush his hair," AJ stated.
"What??" Howie asked. AJ explained that the hair people were hunting them all down one by one and trying to suffocate them in hair spray so they'd look stupid for the concert.
"Five is a stupid time for a show," Brian complained unpleasantly. It was about eight o’clock now.
"Why's that?" Howie was always ready to listen to stupid remarks.
"I dunno. It's just dumb, I guess. Ask Nick, why don't you. Nick knows everything." Even when he was in a weird mood, Brian still fell into his habit of saying Nick was stupid. It had been a joke for the last seven years, so weird moods had no effect on it. And he couldn't describe his temperament as anything but that. He didn't miss Judith, did he? Brian pictured her shimmering hair and her luminous, jewel-toned blue-green eyes. She wore contacts, naturally, and her hair color was anything but natural. "Nick?" Howie turned to Nick, who was sitting somewhere near him, signing autographs.
"What?"
"Brian wants to know why five is a stupid time for a show."
"Umm. Maybe he wanted to watch CatDog at six."
"CatDog is on at six?" Howie loved that cartoon. In fact, he found almost all the programs on Nickelodeon cute and amusing. Good family humor, he thought.
"I don't know!" Nick grinned at a fan and signed a CD for her. "Go away, Howie." Howie slid his chair back to where it had been before.
"When can we leave?" Brian asked Howie.
"I dunno. I'll ask Nick." Howie wanted to be helpful.
"No! Ask Kevin. If you really want to know something, always ask Kevin." Howie found Kevin a few yards away.
'Kevin, when can we leave?"
"Twenty minutes."
"Thanks." Howie returned and told Brian, who looked grateful. Twenty minutes felt like a lot longer than it was, but they were all busy signing stuff.
"Can we leave now? It's been twenty minutes." Brian checked his watch and looked at Kevin pleadingly.
"Okay." Kevin walked outside with a few security guards and everyone followed.
"DAMNIT," Brian snarled in the limo.
"What?" AJ asked.
"There's a lot of traffic," Brian replied in a surly voice. "I'm tired."
"Man, you aren't tired."
"Excuse me, Alexander? Can I help you with something? Like maybe breaking your face on the dashboard then throwing your mangled corpse out the window for the fans to eat?" Brian hadn't meant to say that much. "Sorry Bone."
"As I was saying, you aren't tired."
"And I guess you would know."
"You're screwed up," AJ finished proudly.
"Really? Why thank you AJ. You're such a great friend." Brian crossed his arms and looked out the window.
"Think about it! You've had about eighty girlfriends in the past year-"
"Have NOT!"
"-and you didn't even like Judith and now you're unhappy because she dumped you."
"Who told you that?!" Brian demanded indignantly.
"Nick," AJ replied uneasily.
"Thanks Nick. You know, I never told anybody ever about that time your girlfriend beat the shit out of you when you were nineteen. I told everyone I had done it, like you asked me to." Nick looked at Brian apologetically and turned crimson. No one said anything. For their sake, Brian pretended he was asleep.
"He said he was tired. But you just had to say that you knew better." Nick looked at AJ bitterly. Eyes shut, Brian felt like shit.
"Well, admit it! He is screwed up." AJ tried to defend himself.
"Shut up," Kevin ordered, but not before Nick could get in a quick "is not". And there was silence. It was a typical argument: Brian finding a way to back out without apologizing, Howie not participating at all, Nick and AJ left arguing, and Kevin ending it. The drive to the hotel should have been ten minutes or less, but it was past nine by the time they got there. Kevin walked inside first and Howie followed him as usual. Nick, Brian and AJ walked in behind them.
"Hello." Nick greeted the girl behind the desk with a smile. Brian blinked. "Thanks for the soap." She didn't reply, only gave him a professional smile.
"You gave him the soap?!?!" AJ grumbled. Brian just looked at her. AJ glared at him, tired of his sullenness. "Brian is single. Are you?" he asked the mouse-camouflage-girl.
"No. My boyfriend's here." She looked a few feet away at a guy sitting in an office chair.
"Oh. I'm sorry," AJ said politely.
"Why?" she asked, slightly miffed.
"Because BRIAN here really likes you and-"
"FUCK OFF, AJ!" Brian shouted threateningly. He looked at the girl again. "Sorry."
"Why?" she repeated.
"Because no one likes to find out a pretty girl's not single," AJ spoke up again. Brian lunged at him and AJ ducked. In the silence that followed, the girl's boyfriend said something.
"Well then it's a good thing Elene isn't very pretty." He looked smug. She stared straight ahead as though she hadn't heard anything. For a few seconds, so did Nick and AJ and Brian.
Right. If there were a single girl in the room who might just go to bed with one of them, you can bet someone would stand up for their manly honor. Not for me, though. I'd just be a tool. Thank god they're staying quiet. She kept staring into nothing and didn't see Brian walking forward until he was already leaning over the desk, nose to nose with Anthony. He grabbed a letter opener.
"Hello Dickface. Would you mind repeating that?" Brian hardly knew what he was doing. He didn't care very much about the girl that bastard had called Elene. Maybe he wanted to prove to her that he would still be nice, even after this morning's incident. He was also in a really foul mood. "I SAID would you mind repeating that?"
"Since your friend over there hates to know that a pretty girl isn't single, he'll be damn glad to hear that Elene isn't very pretty at all. In fact, I'd say she's-" Brian raised the letter opener.
"Ooookay then. That's enough Brian!" Nick pulled him away and pried his fingers off the letter opener. He sat it on the desk.
"Elene, if that's your name, don't listen to that guy there. He's an ass." AJ pointed at Anthony, then gave him the finger and followed Brian and Nick. AJ looked arrogantly at Nick as if to say 'I told you he's screwed up.' Brian wordlessly followed them, since he didn't know the way, and went to sleep.
~a week later~
"Hello?" Brian picked up his phone and tried to sound somewhat cheerful even though he was irked at being awakened at two in the morning.
"Bri, hey." It was Kevin.
"Hey Kev. What's up?"
"Nick got in a car crash."
"What?!"
"He's fine. He broke his leg and got a concussion."
"And you say he's FINE?" Brian snarled. It didn't take much these days to make him mad. "Where is he?"
"In the hospital, dumbass." Kevin chuckled, then gave Brian directions. He was there in ten minutes.
~
"Nick Carter?"
"I wouldn't let you in, but you look like Brian Littrell and not a crazed fan," a nurse said.
"Right." Brian didn't smile as the nurse led him to Nick's room.
"Nick?" Nick already looked like himself again. There were three stitches on his head... actually Brian saw four, looking closer. And his left leg was in a cast.
"Hey Brian!!" Nick grinned. "Look at my head." He pointed at the stitches.
"Nice stitches. How do you feel?"
"Fine. You?" Nick didn't mention that he couldn't feel his leg. It didn't bother him.
"Pretty good. What happened?" Brian listened as Nick told him the details of how he (in short) drove into a cement wall.
"Who called you?" Nick asked.
"Kevin. He said you were fine. The fool."
"He's just trying to piss you off. Besides, I'm not dead or anything."
"I know. I'm going to go home and sleep. I'll come back tomorrow."
"Bye. Thanks for coming." Brian waved and walked into the hallway. He took a wrong turn somewhere in trying to find the door he'd come in and soon felt like he'd be lucky if he ever found any damn door at all. He paused in a staircase landing, trying to remember where he'd walked.
"If you're looking for an exit, you can go down the stairs and take two rights, then look straight ahead of you." Brian looked around, then he knew strangely that it had to be the girl from the hotel. Where was she??? There she was. Sitting under a nice Van Gogh print.
"I remember you." He sat down a few feet away. "What happened?"
"What?" she said antisocially.
"Why are you here? Or do you live here?" He wondered why she never wanted to talk to him.
"I'm supposed to live at that damn hotel."
"I had guessed. Still don't want to talk?"
"Fine. I sliced my wrists and bled all over everything. I don't know why I'm here. I can cut myself here too." Brian didn't need words to ask anything. "I know this place better than my parent's house. It's a hospital." She laughed grimly. "You think I couldn't find a knife here if I wanted one?" Brian was shocked. She waited for him to turn around and stumble down the stairs, take two rights, look straight ahead, and see the maternity ward. He just looked at her. She fidgeted. Maybe it would take more to scare him away. "So how are you today? Seeing as I already told you how I am."
"I'm okay. How's life?"
“Perfectly damn normal." She estimated his reaction and saw none. He hadn't left. "I'll tell you about it if you want."
"I'll listen," he said softly.
"Right. Don't want to make a suicidal girl upset. I'll close my eyes while I talk. If you want to get up and walk away you can. I won't know."
"Okay." She closed her eyes.
"It's a very one-sided account, though. When I was nine my parents had a son and they decided they hated me. I stopped talking when I was eleven because I wanted to see if anyone would notice. My family didn't care. A month later one of my teachers called this hospital. I've been here at least a few times a year ever since. They know me here. I'm their main patron. When I was thirteen sometimes I cut my wrists. I stole a razor from my science class. I kept it in my pocket. If you cut right you just bleed a lot and nothing else happens. I do that a lot. The doctor said I cut deeper yesterday than I usually do, even when I'm really upset, so I have to stay here for a week. I go to counseling once a week. I never miss the meetings. When I graduated from high school I moved out of my parent's house and stayed with a friend for a while. I don't have very many friends. I went to college for a year at Florida State. I majored in English. I didn't go back last fall. I hadn't stopped cutting myself then. I got a job at the hotel you went to. This guy asked me out. His name is Anthony. He's really nice but other people make him nervous. Sometimes he gets mad because I wake him up at night when I have nightmares. Once last week he said I was not very pretty, in fact I was ugly. He liked that. He said it a lot. Until yesterday I woke him up because I had a nightmare and he hit my face. Later on after he was gone I cut my wrists and because I wasn't paying attention I cut deeper than I usually do. A person cleaning my room because she thought it was empty found me. I woke up here and sat in the hallway talking to people I don't know. I saw you walking down the stairs lost. You asked why I was here. I told you and you left before I was done telling you because I closed my eyes and said you could leave whenever-" Brian didn't want to hear anymore. He hadn't wanted to hear any of that. Frankly, he was depressed now. He picked up her right hand and could feel the cuts on her fingertips. She opened her eyes after pulling her hand back. Brian wasn't surprised at that, but she was more offended than before at having her hand touched. "Don't do that. Do NOT touch me. Ever. It's not personal, I guess. I can't... Don't do that."
"Sorry," he breathed. And I thought I was screwed up. This poor girl.
"When I tell other people that they usually go away. Or say something like 'you poor girl. I can’t believe I thought I had problems.' Sometimes they hold my hand even though I asked them not to and tell me they don't know what to say. What?" She looked at him, finally a little surprised. "You thought I hadn't told anyone before. I don't have any secrets."
"Things can only get better, right?" He tried to look happy, but it was unexpectedly hard.
"I've told myself that every day for the last ten years."
"Sorry," he repeated. "I should go."
"Yes you should. When you leave, take a left and pass three doors, then go right. I lied before." She watched him leave. He was the first change in her life in ... no. He was just like everything else.
~later that day~
"Hi Nick. I brought you food. Hi Howie." Brian was back to visit Nick again. It was about one in the afternoon.
"Hey," Nick said. "Food? What food?"
"Dish soap."
"You---" Brian interrupted by dropping an armload of Milky Way bars onto the bed beside Nick. "Hey! Thanks. Why were you here for a half hour after you left?"
"What?"
"I saw you in the parking lot a while after you left my room."
"I was lost and I met this girl in a stairway landing..." Brian trailed off, remembering everything about their dysfunctional conversation.
"Brian's in love again!!" Nick cheered.
"No... she was..." Brian looked up as AJ entered. Elene was bitterly honest and cold and unfriendly and come to think of it, he couldn't wait to see her again, if he saw her again.
"Hey freak," Brian greeted him.
"Hey freak. Hey Nick. Hey Howie."
"I don't believe you." Nick declared. "You met your future wife in a stairway landing last night--"
"Sorry Nick. She's... I don't know. She's probably in the psych ward or something. OH! You might remember her."
"What the shit??" Nick was utterly confused. Morphine didn't help.
"The girl in the hotel who gave you the soap."
"Oh! Ellen?"
"Elene. She has this habit of wrist-slicing." Brian didn't want to explain anymore.
"And?" AJ asked impatiently. Brian shrugged and looked aside. "Woohoo! Brian finally found someone as messed up as he is." AJ laughed. Nick widened his eyes slightly. Howie gulped. Brian stared at him in shock and then laughed.
"I know. You're right. What sucks is she'll probably kill herself any day now." Silence. "Sorry."
"So I was right?" Nick smiled.
"If you weren't already half-dead, I'd... Ha ha. Maybe." Brian laughed. His cell phone rang. "Hello? .... Damnit!!! Okay. I'll get there soon." He hung up.
"What?"
"Tyke ran away again." He shrugged. "I have to help find him. See ya later." Brian found his way out this time and was trying to find his car when he saw her walking smoothly down a sidewalk, fists clenched.
"Elene... hey." He caught up with her and tried to keep up as she quickened her pace. She nodded, but didn't look at him. He walked with her in silence for several minutes. She looked at him every so often as if he were interrupting something important, but he was persistent. She found her way to a park with practiced ease and sat on a bench, looking irritated when Brian sat beside her. I'm going to screw up his life and he'll think it's his fault. I'm breaking the hearts of millions of little pre-teens who love him more than I could love anything.
"How's it going?"
"All right." She frowned at him. "Why'd you come to the hospital again?"
"One of my friends is there. He drove into a wall but he's okay mostly. What are you holding?" He peered at her hand. "Damnit!" She wriggled in his grasp as he held onto her wrist with one hand and pried the surgical knife away from her with the other. "Don't..." She stiffened her wrist in his hold and glared at him and he let go of her. "Why'd you do that?"
"Why did you wake up this morning? Why do you eat food? Why not just never wake up in the first place?"
"Because I do every morning mostly.... Because. Because ..." Brian answered as she spoke. "I wish you wouldn't..." The expression expert read his eyes.
"OH. I'm sorry. Do you think you love me?" she whispered sardonically. He cringed.
"Do you hate me?" A cruel trick, asking that. He's just too sweet. Why is he here?
"I WISH I did!" she replied furiously. "You just had to ask. Now you'll never go away." She knew that would make him smile. A small distraction. She reached into her pocket and withdrew the ever-present blade, slicing her fingertips in her haste. She shuddered and drew it across her left wrist, eyes closed. She regretted it more than she ever had. Every other time she'd cut her wrist it was as if she could think more clearly and put the world aside. This time it hurt more. She hadn't had time to think about it, cut slowly. This was only to upset Brian, not to make herself feel better. If she hadn't done it so quickly, she wouldn't have cut at an unfortunate angle.
"God, Elene!" Brian shouted, almost as scared as she was. He grabbed at her wrist again and she slid away from him while staring at his hand on hers as if it offered some kind of guidance. He took out a cell phone. "Can I call..."
"No. This one isn't bad." He looked at her in disbelief. She started to talk and choked on a sob. It was like her nightmare. She couldn't breathe. She started trembling. What was wrong with her? She usually felt better when blood was pouring out of her wrist. There was mottled daylight shining between the branches of a tree overhead and normal city sounds everywhere but still she had an impression that nothing was real, that she would blink a few times and everything would fade into blankness or melt. Brian threw an arm over her shoulder and sat closer to her, snatching her arm before she could move away again. He could feel her shaking under his arm as he pressed his fingers over the newest cut on her wrist, oblivious of her blood on his fingers. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, she told herself pointlessly. She closed her eyes and realized he was still there, one arm over her and the other on her wrist. WHY is he here? He has no idea... True, Brian had no idea what was going through her mind, but he wasthere and he wanted her to stop being scared, or sad or whatever she was, even if the only way for her to be at ease was to be her usual untalkative self, even if it meant she'd hate him for sitting this close to her. He didn't know what to say as she started crying. What kind of idiot would ask her what was wrong? And he couldn't very well tell her that everything would be fine.
"What am I supposed to say?" he whispered, putting his other arm around her. “I don’t even know you.”
"It's enough that you're not pretending you do," she replied. "I'm bleeding all over your back." She detached herself from him and pulled off one sneaker, tied a white sock tightly over the cut. Honest people are rare. Brian sat on the bench with her for a half hour in silence and walked with her wordlessly back to the hospital, asking himself and God what he saw in her.
~a few days later~
I should have known Anthony would forget to pick me up. I did know, I think. I just waited for him anyway, for three hours. I'm going to be late. She started walking faster. Six now. I'm supposed to be there in three hours? It's fifteen miles away. He has a class at six. If he were going to pick me up, he would have already. After class he always goes out with his friends. Maybe he'll visit me at work tonight. Could get a cab, but I left my bag at the hotel. That's okay. Maybe I'll get fired. Don't know what I'd do if that happened.
"Hey, look!" Brian pointed at someone Nick didn't know on a sidewalk.
"Who's that?"
"It's Elene!" he responded merrily.
"That's your girl?" Nick looked at her as Brian switched lanes, forgetting that in fact she was not Brian's girl. That was just what Brian wished. She was a surprisingly average figure in worn-out cargo khakis and a jacket over a tank top. Her hair was a misfortunate brown color that looked dirty no matter how many times it was washed, but there was something pretty about her. Brian heard his tone and pretended he hadn't been listening.
"Elene!" What? Now who? Only one person had that voice. "Elene?" She was walking quickly and looked as though she didn't want or need any company. Her rudeness to him was a refreshing change from countless different girls who wouldn't even dream of contradicting him. He slowed his car. "Where ya going?"
"Work." She stopped walking and faced him, her expression unreadable.
"That's kind of far away to walk."
"Yes, I know that." And I don't want a ride.
"Want a ride?" He turned to Nick, whom he was supposed to be dropping off at his house. "It's along the way."
"Not really." She started walking again.
"Please? You shouldn't walk alone at night. It'll be dark before you get there. You'd be walking until tomorrow morning. It's going to get dark earlier than usual anyway. Can't you see it's going to rain? Look at these clouds."
"I've done it before." She started to frown.
"You do this regularly?" Brian was still undaunted.
"Only when Anthony forgets to pick me up."
"You never get a cab or ride a bus or something?"
"Not when I've left my purse at the hotel. I'm not carrying anything," she stated as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Lying," Brian contradicted. Nick was confused.
"I don't have any money and I like walking and I know my way and I don't want a ride. Is that clear? I don't think I can barter for a cab ride with a razor."
"Please? You said you didn't hate me."
"Did she really say that? I think she was lying," Nick muttered.
"Fine, I'll come!" She could tell he wasn't going away. Guiltily she felt glad.
"Empty your pockets, please?" Nick watched as she shrugged indifferently and dropped something glittery on the pavement, then stuck her index finger in her mouth. She sat in the back seat, pressing her forehead against the window.
"This is Nick." As Brian introduced him, Nick watched her uneasily in the rearview mirror.
"I told him where the soap was," she replied, face still on the window. "And he saved Anthony from you."
"That was you??" He was shocked. The girl at the hotel was quiet, polite, neatly dressed. Looking closer, it was apparently the same person. She didn't reply. It started raining.
"Good thing you were walking here. You would have been in the rain," Brian recognized amiably. "Done that before too."
"How often does Anthony forget to pick you up?" Brian muttered but not unkindly. She didn't answer; she didn't even move. "I guess you don't feel like talking. I feel like that sometimes." He was willing to leave it at that.
"Stop the car," she said as though it were part of a routine.
"What?"
"I'm getting out." Her face was blank.
"No! You'll get wet." She stared at him in the mirror. "I don't like the thought of you walking by yourself." No response. "I like having you here." She shook her head, irritated, and moved as if to open the door while the car was moving. Brian stomped on the brakes. Nick felt himself thrown against the seatbelt and was thankful he'd worn it.
"Brian!" Nick looked at him crossly. Brian shrugged.
"Sorry Nick. Sorry Elene. I was afraid you were gonna jump out onto the road or something." Brian looked calmly apologetic but it was easy to tell how worried he'd been.
"I wasn't going to," she muttered. Nick sighed loudly. The rain started pouring harder. Elene watched, fascinated, as it turned into pellets of hail and the sky turned shades of grey-purple with a yellow cast. Every minute or so, the downpour would switch to rain, then back to hail. The car was silent. Brian turned on a radio.
"... are blocked off for a hurricane warning. Rose Avenue through the intersection with Main Street is closed. Driving conditions are hazardous everywhere. Drivers are advised to get off the road if at all possible."
"Uh-oh," Nick muttered. "Brian always listens to the weather warnings. Don't you, B-rok."
"I don't want to kill anyone," he said defensively. "My house is right up here. If it's okay with everyone, I think it might be a good idea to sit there for a while until this clears up." No one moved. "Well?"
"Fine with me," Nick replied. Elene could feel them both looking at her expectantly, listening for an answer.
"Not much choice." She shrugged. "Okay." Nick studied Brian's expression. This girl was worse than Judith or any other girlfriend of Brian's he could remember. She was going to send him into critical depression. It was obvious that he liked her, but he wasn't rushing her or anything. He was completely respectful of her. He was being considerate and she was spitting it back in his face. And then he would be nice to her again. Brian parked in the garage. Elene looked at his house. Very nice. Brian got out of the car and waited for Nick and Elene to get out. They followed him through a small hallway to a spacious kitchen and then a living room. Brian flopped down on a couch. Elene anxiously sat on the edge of a loveseat and pulled scabs from a multitude of cuts on the fingertips of her right hand. Nick looked at her strangely. She met his gaze curtly.
"Hello Sir. Can I help you with anything?" Nick recognized her hotel voice. She was clearly disgusted with it.
"What?!" Nick frowned. "I didn't say anything."
"If you could please just not stare at me..." She sounded meeker than before but not pleading.
"Is it alright if I ask what happened to your fingers?" He made a serious effort to be polite and she pretended she hadn't heard for a few seconds.
"I cut them on the razor I keep in my pocket." "Oh," he whispered repentantly. Elene could see that he would be an easy one to drive off. Brian, on the other hand...
"So... food, anyone? TV? Video games? We could go swimming." Brian didn't like the hostile silence. Elene and Nick weren't getting along. If the storm didn't blow over soon, it could turn out to be a really ugly evening.
"Lara Croft!" Nick cried, glad to change the subject.
"You mean that game whatever it is... tomb what?" Brian dug through a cabinet.
"Raider." Nick finished.
"Here it is." Brian held up the game proudly. "D'you like video games? Wanna play?" He looked at Elene. She shook her head and sat still for an hour as Brian tried to play even though he was hopeless and Nick openly admired Lara Croft. Elene was bored. What would they say when she went to work tomorrow? Would they accept that she hadn't been able to get there because of a possible hurricane? Maybe, maybe. She watched Brian's face as he yelled at the game, losing badly.
"Hey Elene. ... You there?" Brian asked. She looked blankly at the air where his face had been before he turned to look at her.
"HEY you!" Nick shouted, waking her up, even though she hadn't been asleep. She looked at Nick keenly, eyes wide. "You're staring at Brian. Don't you know that isn't nice?" He stopped, reviewing what he'd said. He didn't mean to sound so rude. Brian glared pointedly at him. 'Sorry' Nick mouthed at him. Elene stood up and dragged the loveseat 180 degrees to face the opposite wall. She looked at a window; it was dark but she could see the rain pelting against the glass and an occasional lightening flash.
"Hi." Brian was leaning over her shoulder, but not too close. "Sorry. Are you okay?" She nodded. "Hungry?" She nodded again. "You can tell me if you want food. It's okay. Nick, you hungry?"
"Sure, why not." They started walking to the kitchen to forage.
"Are you coming?" Brian asked. Elene wasn't moving. Nick looked at him in disbelief. She stood up and followed pensively. "Chips, anyone? Oh, look. Leftover fries. There's cereal. And milk, aren't we lucky tonight. Hey! Donuts. They're not even that old. This morning, I think." He stuck the box in the microwave. "I'm eating donuts. What do you guys want?"
"Careful," Elene mumbled.
"What?"
"There's foil on that box." It started crackling. Nick laughed. There were sparks in the microwave. Brian grinned and pulled it out. He sat the donuts on a plate and microwaved them. "Are you people still hungry?"
"You ordered pizza a couple days ago..." Nick said interestedly. Brian looked in the fridge.
"Right here." He held out a grease-spotted box to Nick and looked questioningly at Elene.
"You don't by any chance have corn pops, do you?" She looked at him as though it was understood by both of them that her request was foolish.
"Sure." Brian looked in a cabinet and pulled the box out. "Milk?" He found a clean bowl and offered the cereal and the bowl to her.
"No thanks. No milk." She took the extended objects and poured some cereal into the bowl, muttering something that involved the words 'dish' and 'soap' and 'eat' and 'him.' She smirked. Nick looked at her.
"What did you say?" he asked. She shook her head and stuffed a few corn pops in her mouth as Brian took his donuts out of the microwave. He smeared chocolate icing on his fingers. Elene noticed interestedly. His fingers: chocolate. Mine: butchered. Nick's: greasy. She ate another corn pop and tasted blood. She coughed, not unused to it but not expecting it. She stared at a window while Nick and Brian talked quietly. The storm raged on. If he hadn't driven by... I would be maybe in a store that was open all night pretending to shop. Maybe still walking. What fun. Her wrists itched. She glanced around the kitchen. A few knives were in view. One or two serrated: no. Smooth-edged bigger ones: no. Nothing right. Damn damn damn. Want my razor. She looked up. Nick was looking at her expectantly. Brian was politely looking at the ceiling. They were both done eating.
"I'm done." She sat the bowl by a sink.
"Are you sure? Want anything else?" Brian looked at Nick, exasperated.
"No thanks."
"Can we watch a movie?" Nick asked.
"Sure. But not that one with Angelina Jolie again."
"Which one with Angelina Jolie?" Nick pouted. He liked Angelina Jolie.
"Any of them. You've probably watched all of them in the last week anyway."
"X-Men," Nick suggested. Brian shook his head. "Girl Interrupted?"
"I just said-"
"I know. But she's so hot!" Nick tried to enlighten Brian, but Brian just didn't like her.
"Who's your favorite actor?" Brian looked at Elene.
"Anthony Hopkins." She smiled for once. "Actually, that's the second time," she said in response to Nick's surprise at a display of feelings. His expression clearly said 'for once, she smiles,' but she'd smiled when she remembered his dish soap as well. He looked scared. That's right. Back off. Brian realized that Anthony was also her boyfriend's name and started to point that out. "I know," she replied. Brian was surprised. He hadn't said anything. "It has nothing to do with him. I also like Gabriel Byrne. Cate Blanchett. Nicholas Cage. Noah Wyle..." She trailed off, feeling youthful. She actually loved Noah Wyle. His face, anyway. Used to watch ER sometimes. After a very long discussion, Nick got his way. They watched Gone in 60 Seconds. (Angelina Jolie and Nicholas Cage.) Stupid movie. Hey, let's blow stuff up. Look at Angelina while she runs around wearing a push-up bra. Nick sat on the floor, closer to the screen and somewhere in his imagination closer to one of his favorite actresses. Elene and Brian sat on a couch. She dozed off and woke up again abruptly when Nick yelled something at the movie. Thanks, for once. I can't go to sleep tonight. I'll wake up screaming. It's bad enough when I'm in a familiar bed. This damn storm. My shift started an hour ago. She stared at nothing until the movie was over. Didn't know I was tired. Maybe I should have slept more last night. I mean this morning. Had to go to lunch with Anthony. Don't close your eyes. She fidgeted and stared at her wrists. Against her will, she nodded off again. There was a loud thunderclap that woke her.
"What?" She sat up straight.
"Nothing. Damn thunder." Brian smiled. "Your..."
"Ew. What the... EW!" Nick was extremely disturbed when a drop of blood fell from Elene's fingertip to his t-shirt, which was red anyway. So get off the floor, you idiot.
"... Your fingers are bleeding." Brian looked at her a little sadly.
"It happens." She held her hand in a fist.
"Can we play MarioKart?" Nick asked, having forgotten the drop of blood on his shirt.
"Sure. MarioKart?" he asked Elene. Her face lit up. They both looked at her in shock.
"Sure." She smiled. Despite her fatigue, she won a few races easily, each time being careful to blow up Nick's player first.
"Whoa Nick. She beat you pretty bad." Brian grinned at Nick, who always insisted he couldn't be beaten.
"She beat you too!"
"Well at least I didn't say no one could beat me," Brian said conclusively.
"Yeah. 'Cause you SUCK!" Nick laughed. "I, on the other hand-"
"Can be beaten." Elene smiled serenely. Nick decided to be nice and forget how quickly she'd changed moods.
"Just barely. You only won the last two by a little!"
"Yeah, but that was against Brian. You were always out before the first lap was done." Brian laughed.
"Is MarioKart the only videogame you play?" Brian asked her.
"Basically." She yawned into her hand against her will. Stop that, damnit. None of that I'm-going-to-sleep-soon crap. Brian grabbed a Kleenex and dabbed at her cheek, where there were a few bloody fingerprints. She didn't have to say anything; he remembered.
"Sorry," he whispered, waiting for her to get upset. "I forgot."
"It's okay. Here." She took it from him and wiped off her cheek, then held the tissue against her fingers. "Are you tired?" She heard the wind doing its best to blow Brian's house down. "There are some guest rooms. Oh yeah. There's a bathroom down that hallway." He pointed.
"I'm not tired." She lied easily, and fell asleep in a few minutes. Brian watched her sleeping, fascinated.
"What is it about her, Bri?" asked Nick, baffled.
"I wish I could tell you."
"I mean... she seems messed up beyond what you can help." Nick didn't need to add that he thought she was a bitch.
"You don't like her." Brian wasn't surprised or offended.
"No," Nick replied honestly. Brian wanted to tell Nick to back off and be nicer to her, but he didn't want to sound like he was only defending her because she would go off and cut herself up if no one was nice to her, which wasn't even true. Wait. How did he know that?
"Just so you know, you're kind of acting like an asshole to her."
"Sorry. I'll be nice tomorrow." Nick thought about it. Brian was endlessly kind to her; she ignored Brian; Nick picked on her. Strange. "I think I'll go to bed. Can I have the same room as usual?"
"Sure." Brian watched him as he left, hobbling along with one crutch. Brian turned off a few lights. His thoughts drowned out the sounds from the storm; he fell asleep soon on the couch one or two feet away from Elene.
Pound. Pound. Pound. God, not this again. I like the dark. The room was dark. She couldn't see anything. It was so comforting. Then the noise began again, crashing against her door. An inhuman sound. Her head vibrated with the sound and she clutched at her ears, finally giving in. 'Come in,' she called softly. Pound, pound. No voices, just that damnable sound, like a tidal wave breaking against her eardrums. It got louder. 'Who's there?' Crash. She tried to take a deep breath. That might be comforting. Breathe. Can't breathe. She gasped for air. 'Who's there?' She finally choked. Soon the door would fly open and light would pour in, blinding her and killing her if she wasn't already dead. She didn't know why she knew that; it had never happened before. She always woke up first. The thing pummeled her door. It resounded down to every hair on her head. She thought her bones would shatter. 'Please. Who's there? Who's there?' She stopped talking. Nothingness filled her lungs. She started to wake up. Light seeped in at invisible corners. She knew it was another dream; that didn't comfort her. She put an arm over her eyes. Another noise. That was a thunderclap. She opened her eyes, starting nervously. She was on a couch. Where the hell? Oh. Brian's house. The storm. There he was. She knew he would be. One arm rested lightly on her elbow. He seemed distraught. Am I shaking? Yes. Breathe in. Out. In. After a few gasps, she heard Brian's voice, patiently trying to calm her.
"Elene. Wake up. It's okay. You're okay."
"I'm sorry." She looked miserably at her hands. Woke you up, didn't I? Knew I would. Why don't you throw me out? It won't be any worse.
"Don't worry about it." They looked at each other for a few minutes. The room was almost completely dark. "Wanna talk?" he asked.
"Don't you want to go back to sleep?" she asked bluntly.
"No. I'm not tired."
"Okay. ...The night I saw you at the hospital, I told you some stuff about me. How's your life?" She knew he'd be a while answering and waited silently.
"Confusing now. Judith and me broke up. A month before that, it was Lisa. Two months earlier, Annette." He named several more. "I didn't like any of them. I don't know why we were together in the first place. I can't stand being alone. Damn!" He realized that in his attempt to be honest with Elene, he'd given her twelve reasons to believe that he was a waste of time. She didn't look surprised. In fact, she looked kind of blank, but still very expressive. She looked like she was ... just empty. "For about nine years I guess, I've been doing this music thing. It's great. I know Nick acted like a jerk to you and I don't know why, but he's cool. Usually. I met you the night Judith and I broke up. Actually... is that meeting someone? Because you just told me I'd dropped a picture. I didn't see you at first. Early the next morning I heard you when I was walking to a pool. Or it might have been. It sounded like you, asking 'who's there' and 'come in' a few times until another voice said you were nauseating and told you to shut up. I went to the pool for a while. I walked around and got lost then I almost ran into you." Brian realized he was telling her things she already knew. "I think you know most of what I'm telling now."
"I do." She looked at him intently. "You sound confused."
"I am! I don't know why I keep dating people I don't even like. It's cruel. I don't know why I'm so screwed up. Whoa." He stopped talking, unaware that he felt that way. "I like you, though. It's not like it was with Judith or anyone else so far." Why am I bothering her with all of this? She doesn't want to know that. She has a boyfriend. Right. A boyfriend who hits her because she has nightmares. I'd like to have a word with him.
"What are you thinking?"
"I was thinking that you don't want to hear any of my problems. And that you don't want to know that I keep thinking about you all the time, because you have a boyfriend. And then I thought 'Right. A boyfriend who hits her because she has nightmares.' I'm kinda mad at him, I guess. I've never even met him."
"Yes you have."
"You're right. He said you weren't pretty and I threatened him with a letter opener. Nick made me stop before I killed him. I don't think I would have. He seemed kind of malicious, though."
"Sorry. I know I asked you to talk to me, but if we could just not talk about Anthony..."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I'll be right back." She walked out of the room, out the doorway, to the right. Nice bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water, not bothering to shut the door all the way. She pulled her fingers through her tangled hair and accidentally opened the cuts on her right hand in doing so, then held a paper towel over them disappointedly. She glanced around the bathroom. Something caught her eye. A razor... Of course. Brian shaves, right? He doesn't have a beard. Ew. She stared at it blankly.
Where was she going? Brian looked after her. To the bathroom, you fool. He laughed at himself silently and stopped abruptly. Was she going to cut herself? She'd left her razor in the road, but she could probably find something around the house to hack at herself with. He followed her almost involuntarily, walking almost silently on bare feet. The door was halfway open. Elene was standing still, holding a paper towel over her fingertips. She was staring fixedly at something. He peered in the doorway. Damn... he knew he should have put the razor back in the cabinet this morning. He stood there despondently for a few seconds, then started walking back to the living room. He heard the door creak, a barely audible noise. He spun around, realizing how scared he'd been. Elene wasn't very far from him. Maybe she was planning on yelling in his face that she would like some privacy while she cut herself with borrowed razors. He could see from her face when he grabbed her elbows, rather unintentionally, that she hadn't been about to yell. He wanted to shout at her that he was terrified when he thought she was going to hurt herself; couldn't she stop doing it? Her arms tensed and then were slack. She blinked and turned her face very slightly to the right. Brian felt like hanging himself. She thought he was going to hit her. Not surprised he thought I would be in there butchering myself. I didn't think he was going to hit me. Not really, anyway. It was mostly reflex. Poor guy.
"Sorry," he whispered, dropping her arms. "Sorry I followed you. I was scared. I- ... " He looked regretful. "Elene, ya know... I'd never hit you." Jesus, Brian, you look like you think you deserve to die.
"I know. I trust you." She gave him a lingering hug and murmured in his ear. "You're not so screwed up." They walked back to the couch and sat down. She leaned back against his shoulder. The room lit up for a second when lightning flashed. Thunder followed. How do I know he isn't screwed up? Anyone who insists on being my friend is masochistic enough ... that's beyond screwed up. But he just isn't. He should be. Oh no.. He's about to say something I don't want him to.
"How ... screwed up... is-"
"Do you remember what I asked you?" He looked ashamed but began speaking again. "Brian, I don't like to talk about Anthony." She sounded tired.
"Please?" he whispered. She made no response, then spoke abruptly.
"I'm not sure, but I think I know what you're about to ask. Can I talk for a minute?" Brian nodded. "We fight sometimes. It isn't like I sit still while he slaps me." She thought about what to say next for a while. "I kind of want you to know... umm..." Oh, he'll laugh at that.
"Yeah?"
"Try not to laugh, but you wouldn't be the first. I don't want to die. I used to, but now it's just like a habit. I get upset over nothing, honestly, nothing and don't even think about it... It's like I can't be numb, no matter how many times A- .. I mean, no matter how messed up everything gets. I'm sorry about the thing last Friday." She was referring to when she had let him think she didn't have anything up her sleeve, then waited for a moment of inattention to slash herself, a sloppy cut that was uglier than usual and still needed a bandage, or it would keep bleeding.
"Why?"
"I only did it to scare you." Ouch. Was that a little too honest? Brian, kick me out whenever you want. If only you would. You're going to ruin your life. She added more to sound a little gentler. "I was ... freaking out, I guess, sort of disconcerted because I'd admitted I didn't hate you. But I shouldn't have done that." Oh, god. Now what am I supposed to do? That was really injurious. Just look at his eyes. He's trying to copy me and pretend he hasn't heard, but it isn't working, sorry. Brian didn't know what to say, either. Was slashing oneself as a way to get attention more messed up than doing it because ... what other reasons might she have if she didn't want to die? Of course. A habit. He tried to put it aside.
"Maybe it's a good habit to get rid of sometime." He didn't look at her. 'Sorry Brian. I cut myself because I knew it would scare you. I was angry that I'd decided to tell you I didn't hate you.' Well, that wasn't quite what she'd said...
"I'll move." She crawled away. Elene only moved a couple feet; she was still sitting close to him, but he was surprised that even though she seemed ashamed to have him know she didn't hate him, it was nice to have her leaning on him.
"If you want to. I kind of like having you here though." He tapped the empty space where she had been. Gladness appeared painted on her features like a picture drawn on blank paper.
"I have a problem with being too blunt," she noted as she leaned against him again and closed her eyes. "I like you too," she whispered when his breaths were deep and even then covered a grin and went to sleep.
~the next morning~
"Hey Nick" Brian said as Nick dragged himself into the kitchen for breakfast. He grunted indifferently. Brian knew Nick wasn't a morning person.
"Where's that girl?" he asked.
"She's in the bathroom. What are you going to do today Nick?"
Nick made a face. "I'm going to be nicer."
"Nicer? I think..."
"Nice. I'll be NICE." Nick smiled fakely. "I love her so much. I'm SO jealous of you, Brian. I wish she liked me instead of you."
"She doesn't like me," Brian assured him, knowing very well he wasn't jealous at all. "But she doesn't hate me."
"You really cling to that, don't you. When did she say it?"
"After I visited you at the hospital and brought you the candy bars. I saw her walking outside."
"The weather's better." Nick looked out the window. It was hard to tell that the sun had risen at all. The wind was horrible; in fact, that was what had awakened him. "Nice hail, doncha think?"
"Beautiful. Hey, Elene."
"Sleep well?" Nick asked benevolently.
"Hey guys. I did after the second time I fell asleep. Did you?"
"Yeah. Thanks. Is there still pizza?"
"You ate it all," Brian reminded him. Nick decided to eat corn pops and offered the box to Elene first.
"No thanks." Brian told him to be nice. But he's actually trying. That's nice.
"Elene, your fingers are bleeding." Brian offered her a napkin then left the room and returned with a tube of Neosporin and some gauze.
"It’s not that bad." She held her arms down straight. The sleeves of her coat fell over her hands, covering most of them.
"Please? It must hurt."
"Thanks but..." She couldn't think of an excuse. "They’re my fingers."
"Then will you do something safer with the razor? Like.. I dunno. Put an eraser on the edge of it. Haven't you ever cut your leg on it through the pocket?"
"Yup."
"Will you?" he persisted. She sighed and held out her hands, steeling herself for the stare she got from Nick when Brian held her right hand up to clean her fingertips and the sleeve slid down her forearm, baring a tightly wound mass of bandages on her wrist. Yes, I'm right handed. But that doesn't mean I can't use my left hand, eh? Most girls who paint their nails can use both hands for that. The masters of sword-fighting in the middle ages could use either hand. Why not me and my razor? Brian painstakingly dabbed the blood from her fingers, put Neosporin on them, and wrapped each one in small strips of gauze. Nick was shocked at their discussion. Brian openly talked about the razor Elene kept in her pocket, said nothing of the sloppy bandage on her wrist while he put perfect ones on tinier cuts. He knew Elene had a "habit of wrist-slicing" as Brian put it, but was it really that bad? She seemed happier this morning. Elene noticed that Nick was looking at her. She met his gaze and he pretended he'd been looking at his corn pops, but not before she could see what he was thinking. 'What does Brian see in you that outweighs what a bitch you are?' Don't ask me, Nick.
In a few hours the weather cleared up and Brian drove Elene to her hotel. She and Anthony argued a few times over how she was acting different. Brian saw her lying on his shoulder every time he closed his eyes and some of the time when they were open, too, and he constantly wondered about what she was doing. 'Right now... is she asleep? Getting ready to start working? Arguing with Anthony?' Then he'd get more worried. "Is he hitting her? I wish I were there with that letter opener. Well, maybe Elene's asleep. What if she wakes up screaming?' He rarely had nightmares, but it was the worst when he woke up alone, heart pounding, breathing hard. 'Does Elene wake up every single night, begging to know who was there, whatever that means?' Maybe he was happier not knowing. In a few days, he thought he'd suffocate if he didn't talk to her. He woke up once from a nap at ten past four (afternoon). 'She'll be awake now, right? I hope so.' He called the hotel she worked at and talked the person who picked up into putting the call through to her room, since she wouldn't give him a room number. No answer. The phone rang several times. Brian finally gave up. He wondered what would happen if he drove out to visit her. He didn't know the room number, but he remembered about where he'd been standing when he heard her talking that night. He could just stand in the hallway and scream "ELENE" until she came and found him, if there was no other way to see her. He called again when he was at the hotel, and got the same girl to connect the call to her room again. He wandered down the familiar hallway and stopped when he heard a phone ringing in unison with his. 'Damn! Why am I always eavesdropping? I'm not eavesdropping! Well, maybe...'
"Don't get the phone," Anthony commanded. Elene glared at him.
"Someone wants to talk to me. It's probably the same person who called ten minutes ago when you told me not to get it."
"We're talking. Don't get the phone," he repeated. She moved towards it, but Anthony was faster. He picked up the phone and slammed it down again.
"Why did you do that?! You don't own me. I can talk to who I want and if my phone rings I'll answer it."
"You don't mean that."
"I hate you."
"STOP it! You need me and you know you do." [Smack. Thud.] In the hallway, Brian cringed.
"Damnit! Why don't you just stick with cutting your wrists every night? Maybe one day you'll kill yourself. Do us all a favor..."
"Go away. Leave. I'm breaking up with you, okay? So bye. ... Go away!" Elene ordered coolly. Brian could have cheered. [Crash.] The door flew open. Brian stood in the hallway, still clutching a cell phone, unnoticed by Anthony as he stalked away. His nose was bleeding a lot, and it was starting to turn purple. "I'm single now, Anthony! You know that, I hope!" she yelled after him. Brian knocked on the door, even though it was open.
"NO! Go away, damn you," she instructed vehemently. Brian drummed his fingers on the door.
"Hello... it's me. I mean Brian," he said nervously.
"Oh. Sorry. Come in." Brian entered and looked around for a few seconds before he saw her. She was lying on the floor on her back under an overturned office chair. Her cheeks were flushed and her lower lip was bleeding. Brian moved the chair off of her.
"God! Are you okay?" She heard anger in his tone, but mostly fear. He forgot not to touch her and gently pulled her into a sitting position.
"Yes," she replied placidly, blotting her lip on her sleeve. Brian stood up and offered her a hand. She took it and pulled herself up, but putting weight on her left knee turned out to be a painful mistake. "Crap!" she gasped, stumbling a little, then shifting weight to her other leg. She sat down on her bed and pulled the hem of her jeans up so she could see her knee. It looked pretty normal.
"What happened?"
"I guess it got kind of bent backwards a little," she answered calmly. "It's happened before. It fixes itself in a day or so."
"Your lip?"
"He hit it." She looked at him, ever so slightly hostile. "He was bleeding when he left. I'm not his ragdoll."
"I know." He grinned. "That was great. He has a pretty purple nose." His face clouded. "Will he leave you alone now?"
"He'd damn well better. I'll call the police if he doesn't."
"That's a change of heart," Brian observed gladly.
"And you look sad about it. I've just gotten so sick of him in the last few days... I dunno why. I mean I do, but I don't know why it didn't happen earlier. I always knew I should have been sick of him."
"Really?" Brian was confused again.
"Had you been calling me?"
“Yeah, it was me. It’s probably weird, having me just show up like this. I just kind of… was wondering how you’ve been.”
“Really?” she murmured, glancing at her fingertips. They weren’t bleeding. She smiled slightly.
“All the time!” Brian sat on the bed by Elene and hugged her tightly. “Sorry,” he apologized into her hair. “You don’t have to say anything. I just missed you.”
Okay, I'm done, I hated it and I'm glad I'm done reading it! Now take me away.