Shining Beauties
I was watching the stars shine brightly. The were so pretty at night. Sometimes I could just stare at them over and over. I’d picture myself in those stars, trying to make my own constellation. Call me juvenile, but I would even play “connect the dots” with those shining beauties. After gazing at them for some time, I stood up and went to close the blinds. I guess to some people that may seem odd, but to me it’s normal. Yes, most people do watch the stars in their backyard or on a hill with the “one they love.” I’m different, I choose to stare at them inside the 4 enclosing walls, behind the security of the glass window. Just as soon as I stood up I heard the screaming. They must have seen me again. I bet they wonder what I do with my time when we aren’t being rushed somewhere or hassled to another place. I mused my best smile and waved out the window. They screamed louder, if possible, when I shouted “Good night.”
Walking over to my bed, I lied down and began to think. I’ve been depressed lately. No, not because my life style is very different them many other people my age, or because I can’t even cross the street without security or bodyguards. I think it’s more because I have nothing to be depressed about. I know you are probably thinking that I have no idea what I’m saying. I do, though. My life is much more difficult then others, but I won’t complain. I always am the one my brothers and sisters come to for advice. They seem to think I have an answer for everything. I listen though, and try to tell them what I would do in their case. They just have so many more problems then I do. I am unsure of why that would appear like that, but it does. Maybe I’m depressed because it looks like I have no life. Okay... so all right, I don’t have MUCH of a life, but it’s mine and I generally like it. Sometimes I listen to their problems and then look at mine. For an example... the most disturbing thing in my life is not being able to tie my own neck-tie. My brother’s is much worse. He may have gotten someone pregnant. Now why would a person with THAT much of a problem come to me who can’t even mange my own tie around my neck. I guess most people would be thrilled or thankful for the amount of problems I have, but I wish I had more. I wish I could go to my friends and make them listen about how my life is falling apart and I need a shoulder to cry on.
The clock on the bed stand read 11:34. I tend to go to sleep around midnight or maybe a bit later. So I figured I still had some time to continue thinking and wallowing in my own self pity. Have you felt like nothing can go wrong and then everything crashes down at once? I haven’t. I wish I had. My life has it’s occasional moments where nothing seems to be going wrong... just like my life is led by someone other then me and that person is pushing away all the bad things in life. It was like my own guardian angel. I just wish it would step out of the way for awhile. I guess I’ll just continue having the perfect life my siblings seem to think I have. Just yesterday, at the Zoo in Central Park, Zac was stomping around and in an awful mood. My mom just didn’t want to put up with him so I figured I’d be the peace maker and try to see what’s wrong. He told me to “leave him the hell alone, because his stomach hurt.” Even though I didn’t believe him I turned and walked away. Within minutes my brother was at my side in tears. I thought this was odd and questioned him again. This time he confessed his girlfriend dumped him. Since when did Zac have a girlfriend? I didn’t know about this. I tried to comfort him and tell him that life sometimes sucks and their would always be more girls in the world. He laughed at me though. Hey, at least I got him smiling. I still didn’t see what was wrong with my philosophy. There were other girls out there. He’d find another. I asked him why he was laughing and he said, “You’ll never have this problem. You’re so perfect. It just isn’t possible. I wish I was like you.” With that, he walked away. “Whatever” I thought to myself. I mean, I could too have that problem! I uhh... just don’t have a girlfriend.
Mackie, my little brother, interrupted my thinking by tapping my knee. It was kinda late for him to be up but I guess he’s used to these late nights we always have.
“Hey, Mack.”
“Hi, Tay. Mommy hates me.”
Completely shocked that he could even think like that, I scooped him up and set him in my lap. Our mother tried very hard to show her love for each one of us.
“Mack. Mom doesn’t hate you. Mom loves everyone.”
The 5 year old shook his head in disbelief. I was trying to make him feel better, but it wasn’t working. So, I tried the next thing that came to my mind. Tickle him. And I did. My fingers jokingly poked at his sides and he was laughing while shouting, “mercy!” He rolled on my bed for a bit and then stopped and patted me on the shoulder. I picked the kid up and headed for the room across the hall. That room belonged to my mom and dad, but they also had a joining room to the girls and the baby and Mack slept with my parents.
“Mom, Mackies ready for bed.”
I handed her my little brother after I gave him a kiss on the cheek and she hauled him off to his small area in the room. When my mom came back she took me and led me to the privacy of the small kitchen in the hotel room.
“Taylor! Where the hell is your father?!”
I looked at her nervously. I didn’t know where my dad was. But I hoped he came back soon. My mom looked like she wanted to hurt someone. I responded truthfully.
“Umm... I haven’t seen him for awhile.”
“Exactly!”
Her fist hit the counter top and it made me jump forward.
“He leaves me here with all 7 of you children to watch after! I’m so mad at him! He does this way too often!”
I could only watch, confused and scared as she was still yelling at me for the disappearance of my father. She talked so badly about my dad. And then she said something to me even more disturbing when I told her I understood her feelings.
“Taylor, you are just a child! You don’t know how it feels!”
Me? A child? I am not. I’m 16. And I always help her out in the house and with the kids! She doesn’t realize how much I do around here to help her.
“Your father is driving me insane! I cannot do this alone. And you NEVER help! Your nose is always stuck in that damn journal you write in. You should be helping me get those other children to bed instead of taking a walk or reading that stupid book you are obsessed with.”
I loved that book. It was given to me when I was 13.
“I’m sorry, I’ll try to help more from now on.”
Now I saw my Mack said mom hated him. She was being a witch with a capital “B”. My mom looked at me with her cold blue eyes staring into my very own soft gentle eyes. She turned around and left the room. Of course she didn’t leave without the slam of the door. I guess she was implying for me to babysit while she took a walk to cool off. Oh well, I wasn’t planning to do anything besides write in my “damn journal.” After the slam, Zoe started to cry. I went to her and picked her up into my arms. She was still crying. Maybe her diaper needed to be changed. Then, Avery came into the room crying, followed by a tearful Jessica. They ran to me. Hugging any part that they could grab, and sobbed. So, there I was... my sisters all clinging to me and crying for some reason or another.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Daddy told us Mommy is trying to take some of us away from him. He said the boys will live with him and the girls will live with Mommy. TAY! We don’t want that to happen!”
I fully understood what they were saying, though they never really spoke the words. My mom and dad were planning a divorce. A divorce?! No!! Not my family! We once were so closely knit. What was going on? The love that was once there was fading away to nothing. I brought Jessie and Avie over to the couch and turned on the TV. First, I had to change Zoe’s diaper before I tried to do anything else. My mind would not leave the thought of divorce. Sure, mom and dad had the usually fight here and there but I didn’t think it was this bad! Could they really hate each other that much to pull the family apart? Well... Isaac wouldn’t be living with whoever we were forced to move into for very long. Nor, would I. But Zac and Mackie had good years ahead of them. A few small tears dripped from my eyes and landed on the diaper in front of me. I continued changing Zoe and then replaced her into her make-shift crib. Walking back to the TV, my dad entered the room. He saw his little girls crying and ran to them. I couldn’t help myself when I looked at him differently then I had ever had before. He could be 1/2 the reason I would now live in a split family.
“Taylor, wake up Mack and get Zoe. We are leaving.”
This is it, I thought. But I obeyed and returned with the smallest of the Hanson crew. As we headed out of the room, Zac and Isaac stood confused with messy hair and wearing their p.j.’s. I gave them a warning look only to get a response from Ike. He too know what was happening. We were all led to the lowest level of the hotel and proceeded to get into the family van. I sat next to Zoe and hooked her into the car seat. After the vehicle started to move, I leaned my head on the window. The night was beautiful. The sky was a perfect ebony.
“Daddy... what about our stuff?”
“We’ll get it later sweetheart. Don’t worry Avery.”
Don’t worry? Oh I was past the worrying stage... I was frantic and panicky. I knew what was going to happen. I decided to stare at the stars for the second time that night. It began trancing me once again and I noticed I was looking for my guardian angel. The one I pushed aside earlier when I thought nothing could go wrong. I wanted my guardian angel back. But I knew she was gone for now. I had asked for some problems... but this would be one I would have never expected. The brightest star in the sky shone down and I watched it twinkle almost like it was telling me something. Each star, I imagined, represented a prayer. I prayed on that star. I prayed harder then I had ever prayed in my life. Hopefully, my prayer would be answered. I started my game of “connect the dots” while clearing every thought out of my mind and studied the shining beauties. Those were my hopes, my dreams and my prayers. A sudden warm, safe feeling rushed through me and I knew at that time that things would get better and all would be fine. I shut my eyes and fell into the most peaceful slumber. All would be okay.
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