Chronicles of Life
these are the stories behind the headlines. . .
Page 1
-Freshman and I were standing in line for water, and I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look over my shoulder and a person I know walks into the bathroom. I look to freshman and ask him what was that about. He said "it means ill be thinking of you." I say "oh crap. she tapped your shoulder too!" The moral of the story. . . its just plain 'icky' when people are thinking of you as they walk into the bathroom. . . eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
THIS IS HOW ITS GOING DOWN . . .
i was sitting i a chair minding my own bussiness
when all of the sudden i was struck by this thought. NO it isnt just a random thought, it
is the physical manifestation of my human psychy. "Why do 'bakers' steal your
doughnut holes then try and sell them back to you for more profit?!!"
hell i paid for that danm doughnut! IM GONA EAT ME THAT WHOLE DOUGHNUT!! if he is going to
sell me a product with a hole in it, then gosh darn it! i will hand them money with holes
in it!! it is only justice. although it will be hard to put holes in coins. . . but that
is just one pitfall in the realm of justice. I DEMAND SATISFACTION!! they cant keep on
getting away with this! this is a crime. DAMAGES HAVE BEEN INCURED!! this is more than
just highway robbery!! this is a capital crime that should be punishable by death!!
DOUGHNUT EATERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!! if you feel the need to eat your entire doughnut then
band together with ME! we shall hail me as supreme ruler of all things doughnut!! WE'RE
BETTER FOR DOUGHNUTS!! i mean you could buy another one but what is the point. the end of
the doughnut doesnt taste just right. sure doughnuts are round and you could start
anywhere but it is true just the same!! a wise sensei once told me of his whopper
experiences. "the begining of the whopper tastes good. same with the middle and the
sides. yet the last piece. . . it doesnt taste good." "but sensei. . . the
whopper is round! you could have started anywhere!!" i replied to the wise sensei.
"that is true young one. but the end of the whopper! EEEWWWWW!!!"
if any of you have similar aggrevences that you wish to have
known or if you are afraid to speak out on these high crimes CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!!
then just send me an e-letter. and i shall try and make all things right. for i am. . .
SUPREME RULER OF ALL THINGS DOUGHNUT,
AM OF THE CLAN DRUNKED MONKEY
Abnormally-Large Billy Billy's Snow Balls
I am in no way a financial genius. However I do know this. If you are never open you cannot make money. Abnormally-Large Billy Billy has defied all my logic in this system of beliefs. Now you would suspect that a snowball stand would have some sort of regular hours, or always be open on a hot day correct? Not Abnormally-Large Billy Billy. On hot days that bastard is closed. NEVER OPEN on a hot day. Here is the logic defying part. He is always open on cloudy or rainy days. Now I know some of you are saying it must be hot in that little room, its gotta be livable. NO! It defies logic. The crazy part is that people will buy from him on cold days or rainy ones. It is overcast with a 100% chance of rain in the next 20 minutes and there are people swarming his door. It is pouring down rain. He is open and selling. I know that this seems near to unexplainable, but Oh contraire, I have a solution. I blame the people, cause it sure isn't the water. This all happens on Pearl River soil, this is the incest capital of the world! Gotta live up to those great standards. When you can't keep your shop open on a rainy day in Pearl River just have your Sister-Cousin-Wife keep it open. And on hot days instead of selling snowballs, that's the day to run around the house wearing plastic wrap and aluminum foil and lay in your house-sunroof that you have cause "God blessed you with termites" and who are you to defy the mighty one? WHO IS ABNORMALLY-LARGE BILLY BILLY TO STAND IN HIS WAY?!
Ho ho how to start this one. . . ah well here goes. . . I walked into 'Burger King' one day. My friends were hungry, ravenous actually, but I however was not. I said to myself "I'll get a small drink! That way they don't think I'm staring at them! Brilliant plan." They both order their food and sit down at the table. I walk up to order. "Id like a small drink." I say. "Okay. That's $1.08" everything's going fine at this point. I hand her a $10.00. Big mistake. Dumbest thing I could have possibly done. She hands me a cup, a receipt and a handful of change, and dashes off! I am no financial genius, but even I know that $10 bucks gets you more than a handful of change and a small drink. I stare dumbfounded at the change for a second, then I look up an yell "What the hell! You didn't give me my change!" I reason with myself. She went for more bills, she went for more bills! NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!! I yell to the other guy, I think he was a 'jr. manager' cause he was in different uniform. He says "Hey you didn't give him his change."Ogre thief 'lady' comes back. "What I didn't give you your change?"I nod no. "You'll have to wait till tomorrow for you money. I've got to check the register." This is the point where I chose not to get all pissed off. Though now it makes my blood boil. . . What I did respond with was "There is no way in hell I'm waiting till tomorrow. You have my . . . " She cuts me off at the point where I was going to say "You have my damn money you freakin moron!" Just in time she cuts me off. . . "You can come back in 2 hours and I might be done counting then. " This doesn't seem reasonable to me I say "Don't you remember 30 seconds ago when I handed you a $10 dollar bill! You ran off and handed my a receipt and a handful of change!" She takes my receipt and has me write my name and phone number on it. "We'll call you in a few days" she says. "I'll see you in an hour in a half I respond." One and a half hours pass, we went to my friends house and back to drop off something, we got some advice and the secret words to success. We are in the parking lot going in. All I have as proof that I was there is a used Burger King cup, the kind any bum can get out of any dumpster. I walk up. There is a woman who has already been served, and Ogre Thief 'Lady' counting money. I have my happy face on. She says to me "The register is coming up short, by $9 dollars." At this point I know she is a liar, and possible a thief. The reasoning: I had been given 92 cents in change. Even if she was right about my not being owed money the register would read it as $8 bucks in the hole. 10 - the 1.08 + 92 cents change equals $8 bucks in the hole not $9 bucks ogre thief 'lady'! If your gonna lie DO IT FREAKING RIGHT!! "Then she says I'm gonna give it to you anyway. Even though I'm in the hole." Here confirms that she's a thief. If your in the hole, and you give money out, your in the hole deeper! My thoughts on this: She was in the hole by nothing, or else there is no way she would have given it to me. I take the money. As she hands it to me she says to the lady who was already served. "I gave it to him cause I don't know if I gave him change or not. I wasn't looking where I was supposed to, there was this cute guy sitting right over there. . ."I spit over my shoulder now. Its not Burger King's fault, nor do I fault any one else who works there. The blame. . . belongs to only one person. Ogre Thief 'Lady'. The cute guy she was looking at. . . sorry. . . he was a complete moron. . . if that was a cute guy in Ogre Thief 'Lady's world than maybe she had better go live in Pearl River so she can have a good 'ol shotgun wedding with her Brother-Cousin-Nephew. Ogre Thief 'Lady' earned her name that day. Ogre cause she was as stupid as one, Thief for obvious reasons, and 'Lady' cause she wasn't a lady. Those magic words I mentioned earlier. If they try to pull sh*t on you these words will be a life saver "I would like your name, and I would like the phone number for your corporate offices" It'll stop them dead in their lying tracks. They have to give you that number, they can not refuse. Call it up and report them to their corporate head quarters. After those magic words it will all be right one way or another. The moral: Don't get screwed by hot-head thief adults just cause you are a teenager.
Mc Donald's Breakfast Sign Changeover
This is truly one of the great mysteries of life. Background first: At Mc Donalds they have breakfast extra-value meals. They also have the same thing at lunch. They use the same space for both menus. At 10:30 in the morning breakfast ends. That means no more breakfast value meals. Its lunch time, stop the cooks. The question: When exactly do they change the sign over. At 10:30? When they make lunch items? Or when they run out of breakfast stuff? Or is it random? Mike and I stake out our local Mc Donalds so you the reader could know the truth of this mystery. Now we can't just walk in and sit there so. . . we ordered. I got two plain biscuits and a small root beer. Mike gets a Bacon-Egg-&-Cheese biscuit minus the Bacon plus an Orange Juice. I am served in a prompt manner. So I sit down and begin to eat. Mike's 'special' order took a while to make. . . He sits down. We are in position to see the sign and the actions of the clerks. They told Mike at the counter that they didn't have folded eggs, only round. . . Mike says "okay", because he doesn't care as long as its basically the same. Mike opens his biscuit wrapper. . . it has a special order tag on it. . . he has longed for this for the past 10 minutes. . . he opens it. . . "ha ha. . . the eggs are folded not round. . . and it was a Bacon-Egg-&-Cheese biscuit minus the Bacon. . . " He says as he pulls off the bacon 'circle'(don't even get me started on my speculations of the circle of bacon). "And they made me wait for the cheese. . . " he says as he flips the top and bottom off. "Its not here. oh well." And time passes. . . We finish and its about 10:40. Its ten minutes past the scheduled change over time. I ask Mike if he really wants to wait. He says "I'm finding out how they change this sign!" We then went through the points again: It could be a fold down sign they have to change, or it could be on rollers. More time passes. . .25 minutes past the time when they do the sign change over. . . Mike loses his cool. "I need to find out now!" They weren't serving customers. . . they were doing the many odd tasks that needed to be done around the store. At 11:00 Mike walks up and asks them about the sign. I had left the building. Apparently they forgot to change the sign over. . . and it was on rollers. . . We left that place better in the knowledge that we did not beforehand possess. Thus another one of life's mysteries is solved.
Core Tech Support. . . We answer smart assed letters. . .
We here at Core have recently
received our first tech support letter. We will not put its entirety here but it was about
how to set up a plug-in on his computer and mess with some of the options. He had trouble
where he would go to my recently midi-fied pages and his plug-in would give him error
messages like files corrupt. I had the Core Stress Tested by the monkeys and the only
person beside Jon who had a problem with midis was Mike. And his problem was he hated
them. I didn't aid mike's problem though.^_^. Anyway the letter just struck home because
it was so true. Thanks Jon for your interest in making the Core a better place for
everyone. His problem resolved of his own volition. And a little bit of techno-know-how.
An excerpt is following:
Core Tech Support
The way I sees it, There are two answers to this problem.
1.You will fix it
2.You don't give a rats ass what happens as long as it works for you.
Mail me back W info.
Jon would like to apologize to the Core for taking valuble time. No apologie is
necissary, though if you have troble while viewing this site, send me an e-letter and i'll
try to help you.
Saltine Crackers and the Wraith
Hello there young Thorn. I was in the store today and low and behold, what was on my shopping list but none other than.....SALTINES!!! Fat free saltines for that matter... now, you may ask, How does one go about making saltines fat free? Much like making cardboard taste free.... It already has no taste, saltines have no room to be fatty? So, Master Stoner ponders this peculiar item, Fat Free Saltines. I came to this conclusion... IT'S A CHEAP SCAM!!!! ALL THOSE POOR FOOLS WHO THINK THERE GETTING SOMETHING BETTER! Ya see, no one likes saltines in the first place....Saltine starts to go out of business ..BUT WAIT! Notice there's this trendy little fad called "Hey, lets make out product "FAT FREE" so people will buy it!" No one THINKS about what there buying anymore, NO ! OF COURSE NOT!! Everyone is so concerned with looks and physical fitness that the only think keeping them from complete anorexia is that little voice inside your tummy that says in fact yes, we do need food to live. So they figure the next BEST thing to not eating at all, is to eat something with NO substance any way!! NO FAT here... and NO SUGAR there...... Hell, what do you think no fat, no sugar Ice cream is?? CANCER AND CREAM!!! So these SALTINE people think there all smooth and can brainwash these poor sheep into buying their product by putting such a claim on it!!! WHEN IN FACT IT WAS NOTHING BUT CRUNCHY, SALTED FLOUR TO BEGIN WITH!!! AHHHHHH! What is out world coming to!!! We cannot let the human race be taken over by this artificial way of life! People centuries before seemed to survive just fine without FAT FREE Saltines!!!! Why, young Thorn? Why? Because they ate healthy to begin with!!! They had no Mc'y D's to lour them in and pump lard and cholesterol into their arteries! They had Gardens and WALKED places! God forbid someone might have to get off their Lazy ass and walk somewhere instead of DRIVE in their nasty polluting chunks of metal that lean to the left because their lard butt's weigh it down with that whopper they just injected into their hearts!!!! And the whole eat for health, not for fun thing!! Do you know young Thorn that in the Orient , NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is overweight?! It's because they listen to their body : Monday, hmmm feeling a little weak; need protein, I'll eat some meat... Tuesday: hmmm...feeling a bit lethargic, need sugar and energy, I'll have some Fruit! NO!!!! INSTEAD WE NASTY AMERICANS GO AND INHALE A SNICKERS BAR, POP TARTS AND A COKE FOR LUNCH!!!! and all because of those DAMNED saltines that think they can FOOL everyone! Well, Young Thorn, Sensei Stoner will not let this happen to either of us! Spread the word, dear Thorn, that this artificial way of life is evil and SALTINES ARE A METHOD LEADING STRAIGHT TO THE UNDERWORLD!!! SAVE YOURSELF YOUNG THORN, SAVE YOURSELF FROM THIS WICKED, WICKED DECEIVING CRACKER!! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A CRACKER!! JUST WHEN YA THINK YOU ALRIGHT, ALL IS WELL AND SAFE... WHAM! IT GETS YA! TURNS YA UPSIDE-DOWN AND CHOKES THE LIFE OUTTA YA AS A JOKE!! Those nasty little CRACKERS! Don’t let them deceive you Thorn! There tricky little boogers! Well, I have done all I can to save the human race from this terrible plague of Saltines... It is now up to you.. Go... in peace and know that I am with you always, in mind, spirit, and hashish...-Sensei Stoner
