From Al to ZZZ

Liberal Inconsistancies presents:

Enter Sandman

For months after Dan Quayle misspelled the word "potato" as he was officiating a spelling bee, the liberal press and other comedians ridiculed him as stupid, but then again they were all over him like ugly on an ape from the beginning of his vice presidency. How many of you have even heard (ad nauseam or otherwise) that Al Gore:

a). got lost while he was out jogging and hugging conifers on a nature/hiking trail.

b.) when confronted with busts of some of our founding fathers (George Washington, Ben Franklin, etc.), enquired, "So, who are these people?!?"

c.) informed a group of school children that our national motto, E pluribus unum, means "Out of one, many", when it actually means "from many, one" (but then, that's a multiculturalist for you!).

d.) commended Michael Jackson for being a great basketball player (I'm reasonably sure he meant Michael Jordan, but hey, all those Michaels must look alike to him).

e.) claimed in an impassioned speech at the last ('96) Democratic National Convention that as his sister was dying in his arms from smoking/cancer he had vowed to fight the evil tobacco companies, yet not long after his sister's death (four years later) he was giving a different impassioned speech to a bunch of tobacco farmers bragging to them, "I want you to know that with my own hands (lovingly, tenderly), all my life, I put it (the evil weed, tobacco) in the plant beds and transferred it. I've hoed it. I've dug in it. I've sprayed it, I've chopped it, I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn, and stripped it and sold it."

f.) claimed he and Tipper had been the inspiration for "Love Story".

g.) made a comment to the effect that Oliver North was representative of the extra-chromosome extreme right wing of the Republican party.

h.) stated that "Two-thousand years ago a homeless woman gave birth to a homeless child in a manger (Mary and Joseph weren't homeless, and neither was baby Jesus! They were forced to travel like everybody else because of a census...Why do you think the inn was full? The innkeeper was decent enough to let them use his manger though he was booked up solid!!!)."

i.) told rocker Courtney Love at a party, "I'm a really big fan." She said, "Yeah, right, name a song, Al!" He said, "I can't name a song..."

j.) says he mistook a bunch of Buddhist nuns in a Buddhist temple handing him campaign cash for a "community outreach event" (Hey, Al, didn't the saffron robes and incense give you a clue?).

k.) in the sixties named the U.S. Army in letters to his dad as an example of the United States "supporting fascist totalitarian regimes in the name of fighting totalitarianism."

l.) in 1994, when 15 American soldiers died in "friendly fire" over Iraq, expressed his "condolences to the families of those who died in the service of the United Nations."

m.) said "A leopard can't change his stripes."

n.) told a steel worker that "he, too, has trouble turning on a computer, let alone using one."

o.) when asked in an interview by Wolf Blitzer why he should get his party's nomination for president, replied, "During my service in the United States congress, I took the initiative in creating the internet." The internet was created 8 years before he was ever elected to congress! In response, House majority leader Dick Armey quipped, "If the Vice President created the internet, I created the interstate highway system!"

Click here to hear it straight from Al

p.) says he plowed steep hillsides with a team of mules and shoveled pig poop as a lad, though he grew up in a suite of rooms at the posh Fairfax Hotel in Washington, D.C. (Yeah, he knows how to shovel the poop alright!).

q.) had 96 million gallons of water released from Chatfield Reservoir in Colorado in 1996 because he thought the rushing waters of the flooding of the South Platte River made for a better photo-op. More recently, he had 591 million gallons of water released into a river so the entourage for his four-mile long photo-op canoe trip wouldn't get stuck in the mud...Can you believe this from Captain Planet himself?!?

r.) was paying liberal ditz Naomi Wolf $15,000 a month (Since the hubbub over it she's taken a pay cut to $5,000/mo.) to teach him how to be an "alpha male", and to advise him he should wear earth-tones.

s.) said, "I found a little place in upstate New York called Love Canal. I was the one that started it all," though he held congressional hearings two months after Jimmy Carter had declared it a disaster area and the government had offered to buy the residents' homes.

t.) at a January 29, 2000 town meeting in Lebanon, N.H., said, "In the Federalist Papers, before our Constitution was drafted, James Madison wrote about the dangers of faction," even though the Federalist Papers were written after the Constitution as a sort of "public relations" piece to explain to the public what they'd done with it.

u.) at the same Jan. 28 town meeting said, "I wrote in this book Earth In The Balance that we should set as a strategic goal the phasing out of the internal combustion engine over a twenty-five year period. I accept now that that was a mistake. Twenty-five years is far too long for a goal like that."

v.) was caught by two reporters switching the ribbons on two cows at the Iowa state fair because he thought it would make a better photo-op.

w.) performed with a hundred members of the Gay Men's Chorus at Lincoln Center in New York (Did he hit any sudden high notes?!?).

x.) during the time of his trouble with the Buddhist temple fundraiser and illegal campaign fundraising phone calls from the White House, claimed there was "no controlling legal authority" for his sleazy actions. Initially, when asked by the FBI about his participation in 1995 White House meetings discussing the illegal fundraising calls he denied he was present. When his comments showed up in the minutes for the meetings, he finally admitted he'd attended them, but claimed he might have been out of the room during talk of the illegalities because he "drank a lot of iced tea" and had to go to the little vice-president's room!!! National Review asks the important question: "Is this how Al Gore earned his reputation as a whiz kid?"

y.) when he got the endorsement of gay activists he told them that "It was politically incorrect for you to say your preference was Al Gore, but it's okay to say you were oriented towards me".

z.) says he hypnotizes chickens (for whatever sinister intent or purpose one can only wonder!), telling a reporter that he's been doing it since he learned to as a kid.

1.) is a slum-lord! A tenant on his run-down farm in Carthage Tenn., Charles Mayberry, says, "I don't know what Al Gore knows about fixing the country, because he certainly ain't fixing this house."

2.) does a li'l dance/shuffle to loosen up before he goes out to give a speech or make an appearance...I wonder if it's the Macarena?!?

3.) failed to recognize Democratic heavy-weight and fellow ex-Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan at a reception last year (1999), introducing himself to him saying, "Hello, I'm Al Gore." He then leaned in closer to the bemused Moynihan and whispered,"Don't be frightened. I won't kill you." Hahaha!!! Just kidding...I made up that last part.

4.) wrote in a column in the Carthage Courier (1981) that, "Exactly 200 years ago James Garfield was killed in a railway station; almost 100 years later Abraham Lincoln was killed." In the real world, Garfield died 16 years after Lincoln, in 1881.

5.) in an attempt to question former president Bush's intelligence said, "You know George Bush thought December 7 was Pearl Harbor Day." Which it is.

6.) in an apparent stab at humor about Charlton Heston, while speaking to the NAACP said, "If I remember my Bible correctly, the last time Moses listened to a bush, his people wandered in the desert for forty years." The incident he mentions from Exodus concerns God speaking through the burning bush when He chose Moses to give His people the law and lead them to the Promised Land. Is Al Gore presuming to insinuate that it's unwise to listen to God (Actually, it was THEIR unbelief that kept them out of the Promised Land, not God!)? National Review wants to see his grades from when he attended divinity school at Vanderbilt!

7.) says (According to U.S. News & World Report), on getting himself ready for his speech at the 2000 Democratic National Convention, "I often work with a couple of easels and big, white poster-board paper. It's kind of unusual. Standing in front of the easels, working with felt-tip pens, I like to draw ideas and how they relate to one another...This sounds weird." No foolin', Al! I picture it as being rather minimalist in style (Lots of ovals around trendy catch-phrases, and lines with arrows scrawled from one to another), and stiff in its composition, even for an Al Gore piece, with loud coloration vaguely reminiscent of a pro-wrestler hoping that if he just yells loud enough, it will make him and what he is saying sound more passionate and interesting! Actually, the weirdest, most unusual thing is that he uses poster-board...Usually, the dime-a-dozen bureaucrats, educrats, and AMWAY pitchmen use big PADS of newsprint paper (Note to Al: I'm sure they come in the requisite p.c. enviro-friendly recycled model) on easels, among their many visual aids. They're cheaper, and with each wave of ideas that he draws (WHATEVER they look like) he would kill less trees. Deep in his heart, Al Gore yearns for an over-head transparency projector. That would save the most trees of all!

8.) doesn't know what science has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that life begins at conception, the moment when the two halves (in sperm and egg) come together to form a cohesive genetic whole. It is not going to become a tomato at some point after that. From then on its personhood has begun, period. The question then becomes (other than in cases where the LIFE of the mother is at stake) a matter of which comes first: the life of the human baby, or the convenience of its mother. It's funny that the father of the internet and dabbler in fractals, Al Gore hasn't figured that one out yet. In fact, he claimed ignorance of it proudly on Meet The Press when he also said that he'd changed his views on abortion after talking to a bunch of women, finally figuring out that "women think differently than men (You can shout THAT)". He didn't elaborate on why this fact of nature gives them, in his mind, the right to kill their unborn, beyond his own ignorance and political convenience. If that's "growth", you can keep it!

Tim Russert asked him on the same show if he supported a federal statute that outlawed the execution of a pregnant woman. Ann Coulter said in a recent column that "adhering to Democratic Party principles, the correct answer ought to be: Kill the fetus and spare the murderess." Al instead replied, "I don't know what you're talking about." After Russert repeated the question for him, he said, "I don't know what the circumstances would be in that situation (after Russert had just told him). I would-You know, it's an interesting fact situation. I'd want to think about it." The next day, after consulting with NARAL, he stated to reporters, "I support the statute to spare that hypothetical person. It should be her right to choose." In other words, either the woman should get a stay of execution UNTIL she could have her fetus butchered by a professional, or if she preferred to have herself fried in the electric chair, thereby giving herself a simultaneous abortion, thus cutting out the middleman, she should have that choice if she'd rather?!?

Watching Al and Bill Bradley in the 2000 primary season argue over who was the biggest defender of a woman's right to choose to kill her baby brought to mind images of Hitler and Stalin arguing over whether the Holocaust or the Blood Purge was more effective! Perhaps both of them should go bone up on the human genome-mapping project and then think the whole thing through some more.

9.) while speaking at a teamsters conference (9/18/00) reminisces about "the lullabies I heard as a child" then sings "Look For The Union Label". That song was written for an ad campaign for the International Ladies Garment Workers Union in 1975 when Al was 27 years old. I wonder if his mum was still wipin' his butt for him, too?! His people tried to say that he'd gotten that song confused with a 1930's union ditty ("Don't Forget The Union Label") with a similar line. Even if his parents truly sang lullabies like that to him as a baby, beyond explaining a lot about Al in general, it's a sure sign that it must have been a real snore to grow up Gore. After continued ridicule, he now says he was just attempting a joke for his union audience (which in all fairness, did seem to possibly be the case when I saw the video clip), but this incident stays here as an example of his stupidity/dishonesty for not just saying so in the first place!

10.) as he inspected damage from an ice storm in Maine, "picked up a fallen power line-which is exactly what officials at Central Maine Power had urged people not to do," according to the Portland Press Herald of 7/19/98.

By the way, how does Al Gore spell potato? T-A-T-E-R!!!

Here, during the recount after the 2000 presidential campaign, an election official in Florida inspects a dimpled-chad ballot, attempting to devine the voter's intent!

"Gore!!!"

I like Al Gore's beard...It kinda breaks up th' monotony of his FACE!

Al in search of some "Left-Guard"...

What If Al Gore Had Become President?

An eerie calm hung in the gun-metal gray sky. A few birds darted on breezeless air, and everything that could be seen outside the White House seemed to have an incandescent glow in the surreal twilight. President Gore stood staring spookily out the window at nothing in particular, his hands folded behind his back.

After several moments of suffocating silence, he said, "They're all laughing at me, aren't they, Tipper?"

"What? Who...No! Nobody's laughing at you, Albert. You're the president of the United States of America now, remember?!"

"You know, they laughed at the man who designed 'earth-shoes', too...They're not laughing any more."

Tipper sighed exasperatedly. "You keep saying that, but I still don't know what it means. Why don't you take some of those herbs from the rain forest that your friend Rusty sent you? They always seem to calm you down."

"I don't think so. I have a feeling that even Rusty's turned against me. I have reason to suspect that he's gone over to the other side. He's one of 'them' now," murmured Al Gore as he meandered over toward the middle of the office.

"'Them'? You're not talking about that 'vast right-wing conspiracy' business again, are you? Even Hillary doesn't believe all that goofy crap, and she's the one that came up with it to begin with!"

"Have you seen my crayons?"

"Albert, I..."

"They were right here in the top drawer of my desk where I always keep them. What have you done with them?" President Gore darted a suspicious glance at his perplexed First Lady.

"For heaven's sake, I haven't touched your crayons," she blurted.

"Well, someone's been messing with them lately. They even broke the purple one, and it was my favorite!"

"Forget your crayons, Albert. You have a meeting with your national security advisors in fifteen minutes. They want to discuss your plans to appease al Qaeda by providing nuclear power plants to Afghanistan."

"Responding to the justifiable actions of a few so-called terrorist means nothing to me...When I think of the horrors wrought on the earth by that infernal internal combustion engine, though, I could just bawl. Hold me, Mama!"

"Oh, Albert," said Tipper, as she held open her arms to embrace the weeping president.

"Sob, sob..."

********************************************

"Sir, I think you'd better lighten up on the iced-tea a bit," said Donna Brazile, "Every time you, as you put it, 'have to go for a presidential wee-wee', the meeting grinds to a halt."

"I swear, as Allah is my witness, I thought I was at a community out-reach event, although I did find the idea of all those Muslim clerics handing me cash to be a little strange," said President Gore.

"Mr. President, we weren't even discussing that incident," said Donna.

"Besides, there was no controlling legal authority in effect." The president fidgeted in his chair, crossing and uncrossing his legs, as he clamped down hard on his crotch, trying to put off the inevitable.

"If you could just stay focused for a few more minutes, sir, we were trying to get your itinerary set for your up-coming conciliatory meetings with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein."

"And just who made you Chief-Of-Staff, Miss Bossy?"

"Why, you did, sir!"

"Oh," said the president, shifting his weight impatiently.

"Now, as I was saying, we've been in contact with North Korea and I think it would be prudent to take a trip over there after your discussions with our strategic partners, Osama and Saddam," said Ms. Brazile.

"Haha, that Kim Jong Il guy cracks me up! He's sorta cuddly, like a li'l teddy-bear...I just wanna give him noogies every time I see him."

"I don't think that would be advisable, Mr. President."

Al Gore eyed the door nervously.

"Actually, you're going to introduce your plan to give them South Korea if they promise not to use their nuclear weapons, sir."

"Maybe I can get Kim to 'pinkie swear' on it, and..."

In mid-sentence, the president dashed out of the room.

"Gotta go," he hollered, as his voice trailed off down the hallway.

********************************************

A hush descended upon the chamber as President Albert Gore The First stepped up to the podium:

"My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight to address a matter of grave importance. Yes, I'm talking about the tragedy of global warming!

"As I'm sure you're all aware, if something isn't done immediately to curb the emission of those vile greenhouse gasses by this nation's evil capitalist industries, in five thousand years the overall average temperature of the planet will have risen by at least a couple of degrees. The polar ice-caps will surely melt eventually, and before you know it we'll all be wearing those inflatable floaty things on each arm like the kids around the pool. By the way, how many of you out there have seen the movie Waterworld? Okay, so the production costs went through the roof and it tanked at the box-office (Haha...'Tanked', get it?! I made a 'funny'!). I think it would be so cool to have gills like that Kevin Costner character, though. I was the inspiration for that, you know. But I digress...

"If you think it gets hot in the Middle East now, you just wait! I don't blame those people for getting so irritable over there, having all that unrest and stuff. Sweating like pigs, with no deodorant. Man, I can empathize. I mean, I wouldn't go flying airplanes full of people into buildings full of other people or anything, but come on! You have to admit that we kinda had it coming, what with us heating up the earth and all. It's messy business, being expected to deal with that pesky Constitution, trying to get congress to ratify the Kyoto treaty. Although I continue to insist that the Constitution is a living, breathing, throbbing, quivering, undulating squirmy organism, I guess that at least until that Clarence (Uncle) Thomas either kicks the bucket or retires, we'll just have to wait. That's why, in the meantime, I want to take this opportunity to unveil my 'oil-for-air-conditioners' program!

"It seems only reasonable that if we enable all those Arabs and Palestinians to regulate the heat in their personal spaces they'll 'chill out' (I made another 'funny'!) and won't feel so much like killing us all the time.

"Now that I have that out of my system...Boy! That crazy Internet deal I came up with certainly seems to be humming along rather nicely, eh?!"

********************************************

"Mr. President, I think we have to talk."

"Not now, Joe," said Al Gore, his eyebrows knit and his forehead furrowed in deep concentration, "I'm busy re-re-inventing government!"

"But sir, I'm troubled...Deeply troubled," said Vice-President Lieberman.

"Oh, all right. I was ready to take a break anyway," said President Gore, looking up from his crayons, "What is it?"

"Well, um, uh, it seems I've misplaced the keys to the Social Security lock-box."

"Have you checked all your pockets? Maybe you left them in your other jacket...."

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