By PAUL SODIN LOAMBROS

-- adapted from articles featured in the Y.E.P News bulletin & Ossett Town fanzine "Ing field or the touchline "

-- A homeless drifter and alcoholic part -time student who stalked Boardman, scaled a shed at he back of his home and threatened to slit his Jacket was sentenced Friday to 10 years in asylum.
wes l garlic , 38, showed little emotion as Superior Court Judge Bob Pickled imposed the sentence. The judge rejected a plea that garlic 's ' apparent mental illness and troubled past merited leniency and his poor record with girls .
"It doesn't decrease the danger, it appears to increase the danger" in putting him out on the street earlier, the judge said.
Prosecutors had asked for a sentence of 10 years and six months.
Connor agreed with prosecutors who recommended that Garlic serve his time in a prison with psychiatric services. The judge also fined garlic £200, which he said he can work off in prison ,A further sentence of listening to Chris De Burgh cd's was reduced to the chinese water torture.
Garlic was convicted Jan. 8 of stalking and making terrorist threats to Boardman and two drum 'n' bass chums last year.
Prosecutors said Boardman scaled the walls of Boardman's 250-square-cm-shed in April and again in May and told her assistant he would either marry him or slash his coat from sleeve to sleeve. Brother in law shotwith his 2-2 air rifle and wounded Garlic the second time he climbed the shed .
Boardman's attorney, Frank De Letter, said the entertainer hoped the judge would send a message that "society will not tolerate these types of threats."
Deputy Public Defender Miles A'Head asked for five years and four months, saying Garlic suffers from a mental illness, had a troubled childhood and suffered a 1987 head injury that prevented him from working ,but never from being employed though.
A'Head also asked the judge to consider that no one except Garlic was physically harmed in the confrontations at Boardman's home.
"I think his sentence (should be based) on what actually happened, not what could have happened," he said....Wes -l-garlic rip ped off again ...silly fool

Another Flash in the pan ?

Craig Boardman is to star in Kenneth Angers new Aleister Crowley Bio-pic, as Pan .A manifistation of one of Crowleys rites, "HYMN TO PAN"

When the words

Thrill with lissome lust of the light,
O man! My man!
Come careering out of the night
Of Pan! Io Pan!
Io Pan! Io Pan! Come over the sea
From Sicily and from Arcady!
Roaming as Bacchus, with fauns and pards
And nymphs and satyrs for thy guards,
On a milk-white ass, come over the sea
To me, to me,
Come with Apollo in bridal dress
(Shepherdess and pythoness)
Come with Artemis, silken shod,
And wash thy white thigh, beautiful God,
In the moon of the woods, on the marble mount,
The dimpled dawn of the amber fount!
Dip the purple of passionate prayer
In the crimson shrine, the scarlet snare,
The soul that startles in eyes of blue
To watch thy wantonness weeping through
The tangled grove, the gnarled bole
Of the living tree that is spirit and soul
And body and brain --- come over the sea,
(Io Pan! Io Pan!)
Devil or god, to me, to me,
My man! my man!
Come with trumpets sounding shrill
Over the hill!
Come with drums low muttering
From the spring!
Come with flute and come with pipe!
Am I not ripe?
I, who wait and writhe and wrestle
With air that hath no boughs to nestle
My body, weary of empty clasp,
Strong as a lion and sharp as an asp ---
Come, O come!
I am numb
With the lonely lust of devildom.
Thrust the sword through the galling fetter,
All-devourer, all-begetter;
Give me the sign of the Open Eye,
And the token erect of thorny thigh,
And the word of madness and mystery,
O Pan! Io Pan!
Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! Pan Pan! Pan,
I am a man:
Do as thou wilt, as a great god can,
O Pan! Io Pan!
Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! I am awake
in the grip of the snake.
The eagle slashes with beak and claw;
The gods withdraw:
The great beasts come, Io Pan! I am borne
To death on the horn
Of the Unicorn.
I am Pan! Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! Pan!
I am thy mate, I am thy man,
Goat of thy flock, I am gold, I am god,
Flesh to thy bone, flower to thy rod.
With hoofs of steel I race on the rocks
Through solstice stubborn to equinox.
And I rave; and I rape and I rip and I rend
Everlasting, world without end,
Mannikin, maiden, Maenad, man,
In the might of Pan.
Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! Pan! Io Pan!

are utted
Craig Boardman appears as Pan, who is known to have a goat-like appearance, which he prances through the countryside playing is seven-reed pipe in the wild abandoned forest. When he plays his pipe, it sounds like a soft seductive breeze, but when he's angry, it sounds like a howl that you could hear for miles. He fought with the Olympians against the Titans of Kronos. His was known also for his terrifying was cry; his name is still associated with panic of fear. Pan had a passionate desire for nymphs, which are young and beautiful female spirits that personify the natural world. They take the form of any and all things and give life to the ground we walk on. He also desired naiads, which were the nymphs of the springs.

The role of Crowley is played by Phil Jupiters and wife rose by Julie Walters

The Cardigans contribute covers of Ozzy Ozbourne's Mr Crowley and Black Sabbath's Sabbath Bloody Sabbath to the soundtrack
While Boardman does Tom Waits style ranting with Denis and Pete Waterman assisting on "Trouble in mind"

Boardman added "It is difficult to encompass in a few words the depth and breadth of the genius of Aleister Crowley. Born in Leamington, England on October 12, 1875, he made considerable use of a paternal legacy combined with three years of schooling at Cambridge, which gave him the freedom to travel the world in search of poetic and mystical inspiration. He self-published his poetry and prose in exquisite small editions, which are now treasured by collectors both for their content and for their esthetic qualities.

His mystical and magical career started in the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, wherein he was initiated in November 1898. Out of its Qabalistic and Hermetic teachings, combined with the wisdom of the Hindu, Buddhist and Taoist traditions he gleaned on his travels in the East, Crowley developed a system of Scientific Illuminism, or Sceptical Mysticism, which he later referred to as MAGICK, "the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformance with the Will.

A revelation received in Cairo, Egypt in April 1904 changed the course of Crowley's life. Known as THE BOOK OF THE LAW, it proclaims a new ethical principle for mankind, "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law." This is referred to as the Law of Thelema, and Crowley is its Prophet. Crowley revised the teachings of the Orders under his dominion to be in accordance with this Law and worked to spread its Light throughout the world.

Crowley died in Hastings, England on December 1, 1947, leaving a substantial body of unpublished work. Now, more than half a century after his death, a greater percentage of his work is in print than ever was available in his lifetime. One measure of interest in his life are the number of recent biographies, including ones by Lawrence Sutin and Martin Booth. "

Ossett Town FC Open Day 2000-5 (part two)

Craig Boardmans Boots played a key role once again in this years Open Day held at Ingfield- the home of Ossett Town Football Club. The internet site broadcast a live 6 hour show from the ground, bringing people from Ossett and Royston a flavour of the event. There was commentary on the teams training that day, a chat with players and manager Gary Brook- plus comedian Stan Boardman dropped in for a chat and a bit of apple-bobbing shortly after officially opening the newly sponsored builders -supply Craig Boardman Inca - Flavoured internet cafe at the stadium. There was also live interviews with many of those attending the event, including fun and games with The Fall ,The Doolies and members of Cobbies exclusive bar Royston .
A strange climax was Craig's impromptued Yak style Yodelling -Jam with name sake Stan through "Hev Yew Gotta Loight Boy? with Vanessa Mae on Violin , John Cale on Viola and John Peel on Mandarin "
Mark " e " Smith walked on throwing Yo-Yo's and Haggis's into the audence before yelling "A dedication to Postman Allan Smethurst R...I..P" and promptly leaving. Leaving Noel Edmunds in stitches.

The Footie star / Meter Reader / Drum' n' bassing media mogul 's Life On Stage

The life of Craig Boardman is to be made into a musical to be performed in his home "hamlet" Royston , provisionally titled - of coursish - Stand By Your Board-Man. Re-routers report that the show is to be staged at the famous Cobbies -Bar from 13 September to 28 October, which used to house the famous house band of cousin Nidge "Snowblind" hang-out , where Boardman first performed as guest backing vocals in the past. While there’s obviously plenty of music for the producers to work into the show, there’s also a hefty supply of tragedy and drama in Boardman’s story.
Married five times and plagued by injury and drug problems during his lifetime, Boardman left in 1993 from a suspected fall-out with Frank Clarke resulting in a transfer to Peterborough. The situation became even more tragic when the player’s father claimed that their son had actually succumbed to a Miss Peterborough pin-up "Queen". When Boardman’s new contact was terminated after three months,Long term fan Archie Gemmill at Rotherham and Messer Fergie at Man Utd reported that he had actually tried of failure at the club and was on his way to both parties, although his father attacked girlfriend Julie "R-Du " Holmes for failing to care for their son properly. Player of the year awards apart at BOTH Halifax & Ossett Town .Football has taken backseat to other activities
Auditions for the musical are to be held on 18 and 19 April in both Wombwell and Royston itself. "We want to find the perfect Boardman," claimed co-producer Michael Barrymore. The question is, will there be a recreation of the extravagant BADGER -BAITING video for " Self-Righteous and passed it " , Boardman’s 1997 Top 500 hit with the ABC ? Or will that break the budget?

Rumours -of -Cameo-walk-on roles for Boardman , R Keane ,T Sheringham , B and N Clough ,S Pearce ,S Boardman and Tina Turner are being played down for the moment

Sunday, February 25, 2001 03:10:03

Ossett Town legend Craig Boardman has said that the idea of succeeding Sir Alex Ferguson at the end of next season appeals to him. Despite recently signing a new contract with the Unibond division one hopefulls Ossett Town as a player,
Boardman said,
"It's a job any coach would be interested in. Maybe in a year it will be time to move on.I would jump at the chance to work with Keano and Teddy in any capacity and i have learnt an hell of a lot from Cloughie and Brookie here at Town. "

Watch this space!

Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 10:53:19 -0800
Subject: An article.
From: "Alan Bates"

The recently resolved contract wranglings over Ossett Town's back-four superstar Craig Boardman have pointed to the club's difficulties in keeping the stars that have firstly started their meteoric rise and lately maintained their push for eventual Premier League status. But, given the initial impetus for this rise came more courtesy of Ossett Albion's shortcomings than Town's success, perhaps calling simply for new signings reflects a degree of short-termism.

The problem for Ossett Town lies in development. Town's failure to land the signature of the available Darren Huckerby before Christmas points to a lack of available funds, and an urgent need for new money is evident in Ingfield's embattled boardroom.

Plans to generate new money for Town are afoot with a scheme for the immediate building of a 30,000 seater stand with multiplex cinema, heliport and luxury hotel. So far however, Wakefield Council have refused to even consider the plans which would - obviously - transform Ossett Town overnight.

The heliport would also enable Boardman's celebrity friends (such as Les Dennis, Bernie Clifton and Richard Stilgoe to name but three) to visit his games on a regular basis. This would afford Town a Chelsea-like veneer of sophistication, making Ossett the "happening" town of the North. Private sources of cash are being investigated, and one possible benefactor to achieve these lofty aims has been earmarked.

Phil Knight, the billionaire training-shoe magnate chairman of Nike, has just withdrawn $45 million (£30 million) worth of funding from the University of Oregon football team. Rumours coming from the company's Beaverton, Oregon headquarters suggest he could well be persuaded to back Town in their bid to not only keep Boardie, but build the team this defensive colossus obviously deserves.

It should be noted that Knight withdrew his funding because The University of Oregon joined the Worker's Rights Consortium - an anarcho-pinko organisation devoted to the "monitoring" of "sweatshop" conditions in the very factories where Nike produces their shoes.

Given the fact that Boardie has been instrumental in drawing attention (through his ground-breaking musical ventures) to the heart-breaking plight of Companies Faced By The Minimum Wage, Boardman and Knight could be natural bedfellows. This football/political axis could easily presage a new era for Ossett Town, as well as offer succour for embattled corporations such as Burger King. With this sort of development, could Keane and Sheringham be persuaded to swap one Nike shirt deal for another?
Both the chairman of Ossett Town and Phil Knight were unavailable for comment at this stage.

,

Shnow Blitzed

Boardman maybe Staring in a film as Mike Winters a Comedy about,. A comedy duo, who spend their time touring and living in digs can't stand the sight of each other. Apparently this mirrored real life brothers Mike and Bernie's off stage relationship at the time.
Boardman
" Do English Jews actually have a sense of humour, Did anyone actually laugh at Bernie Winters jokes and How much is the price of a bagel? "
remake's of MIKE AND BERNIE'S and other cabiret gems SHOW featuring A brief reunion of The Lionel Blair Dancers ,Teddy Johnson & Pearl Carr and The Beatles with Keith Chegwin as John.and such stars as

Major Mills........................................... Brian Clough
Col Muller............................................ Chris Morris
Gloria.................................................. Anthea Turner
Mrs Bolton........................................... Faye Britten
Joe Collier........................................... Norman Collier
to the later days when the Down-and-out music-hall act tries for a comeback

The Mike and Bernie Winters memory lingers .When and if the casting for the main part of Bernie starts , with a suspected shortlist of Leon Britten, ALF , Bob Dylan ,Alan Davis ,Rossanne Barr ,Prince Charles, Shaun Ryder , The Rabbi Jonathan Sachs , Van Morrison , Willam Whitelaw , Ron Atkinson ,Malcolm Allison ,Robert De Niro ,Mel Brooks , John Goodman , Ann Widdercombe , Jonathon Ross , Freddie "Parrot-Face" Davies , Rory McGrath , The Pope ,Woody Allen , Peter Reid , Alan Sugar , Jermey Paxman ,Arthur Scargill ,Trevor Baylis ,Roland Rat , Janet Street-Porter ,TAFNAP , Chris Evans, Gaby Roslin, Johnny Vaughan, Denise Van Outen, Liza Tarbuck ,Jimmy Tarbuck ,DAMION HIRST , Hugh Grant,Ozzy Osbourne , Vanessa Feltz , Michael Winner , Sting and the Bear from the big blue house(then hopefully it shooting Will start next spring) who all star on
The theme tune a Drum 'n' bass samba version of "In Toyland Teddy bears picnic" also featuring the pre-split Ben Folds Five is in the shops as we speak

Zero Mostel R.I.P

For Pete's sake

Ossett Town in a desperate plea to appease wayward hero Craig Boardman have bowed to player power and have confirmed that mascot Brother in law Peter " Manafeek "Holmes is to return as part of the Birds Eye garlic wedges cavaliar pre-match activities at the Ingfield staduim.
Peter was put into retirement last season when his cavaliar costume was starting to show its age with Alan "fw-hay" Budby taking over as the Jack -Douglas on acid style main matchday mascot.
However such has been the uproar from Craig Boardman as well as Ossett fans young and old alike that Peter will make his comeback though the Birds eye garlic wedges into the crowd and tossing his sword at the crowd shouting various ad-libs like
"He o he o he o"
"manaaafeek"
"Garlic Garlic Garlic"

at the next home game when TRAFFORD are the visitors. Until such time as a new costume is available Peter will wear the old one, Garlic stenched and all - just like those of fans who have demanded the return of their favourite!
Wether this bridges mending exercise after Boardman fought that Pete was stealing all his glory at the club,Or trying to get the good books with the wife,or playing the club up for the sake ...i guess we'll never know

Forest Dump

The feud between Craig Boardman and Frank Clark has intensified ahead of tomorrow's trolley dash in Nottinghams famous boiled and smoked fish and other general meats market ,Where the two men share re-opening ribbon cutting duties. The flamboyant and often quit cheecky Yorkshire man was quoted as saying "he still feels 'sorry' for Forest fans ".

Boardman could be the man

- if he wants it

Craig Boardman could be the first name on the scotland team sheet if the errant defender's commitment matched his talent, says Tommy Docherty .
That is what annoys everybody about Boardman the most. He has it all, but he doesn't choose to use it.
You look at the Scotland side and everybody knows that he has more than enough ability to be in it. He just has to want it enough.

Brian Clough is the best of the home-grown talent - but if you're looking abroad for a replacement for Kevin Keegan as England boss, then Dave Bassett or your man Gary Brooks says Craig "George" Boardman.
Cloughie can do the job. We know that - and I'd be happy to see him back at the top again.
As bosses go, Dave Bassett of Barnsley has by far the best credentials. He speaks the cockney style language fluently, and has a similar footballing temperament to the best English players.
Brookie is ace and i love him to bits and would be sad to see him leave and he of me too..but thats football and the big wide world and it's not all swings and roundabouts ,I can tell you now ,So i say good on yer Brookie go for it mate ,Thats if the chance comes around ,Which i don't really think it will ,But you never know or can tell..it's true to say!

Media Mogul Craig Boardman has come to the aid of Chancellor Gordon Brown has held secret talks with farmers and lorry drivers in a bid to head off new fuel blockades.
Boardman ranted "There are some very taxing problems to be solved..like how will Ossett Town get to their away games?",While signing copies of latest soccer skill book "All set from the outset with the dead ball manouver"
Available from Uni-Bond books priced £3.26

Rumours of him bailing out Foreign Secretary Robin Cook who was aledgedly in bed with piles ,and that Boardman had yesterday flown to Israel to join the international battle to stop a new Middle East war. could not be cofirmed at the this moment in time.

Gary Brook defended defender Craig Boardman and his Gurning and mooning during last week's 3-1 defeat at Vauxhall Motors
- saying it was 'undermisstandablishing' because of the standard of the half -time pie and pint during the Unibond League clash .

"We've laced your Jelly " taunted the Vauxhall Motors Fans

Reports the Pink news
Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed that he turned down the chance to sign Craig Boardman before he became the worldwide website superstar with Ossett Town. The Old Trafford supreme watched the potental Scottish genius in the Early-1990s when he was still relatively unknown with Nottingham Forest and then Peterborugh

by Hatrick Gross

craig boardman has suggested that he was targeted by Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson whilst still at Peterborough, but found any move blocked by chairman Elan Sweetie.
The potentail scottish centre-half, who eventually signed for Halifax Town, has told of how his agent father George was allegedly contacted by somebody close to the Old Trafford club after he was left out of Peterborough's team for a key return leg against Crewe in the league Cup.
"Shortly after that defeat in Crewe. I received a phone call from Peterborough chairman Elan Sweetie.
"It took me by surprise - it's not every day the chairman called and my first reaction was to think something was wrong.
"The conversation was baffling. Sweetie said he had something to tell me and wanted to do it man-to-man, not over the phone. He asked me over to his house to talk.
"He told me 'You are important to this club and don't forget you recently signed a three-year contract with Peterborough. I am very happy for you to stay and see it out.
The next Boardman was informed by his agent that "somebody very close to Manchester United had asked if I would be keen to play for them.
"Then the conversation with Sweetie fell into place. I almost did play for United when Sir Alex Ferguson asked me to play in his testimonial years later.
"[Barry] Fry put a stop to it. At first he said he didn't see a problem, but changed his mind."

CRAIG BOARDMAN - "Very upset", apparently

CRAIG BOARDMAN has offered a reward for information leading to the safe return of one of his favourite comedy ostrich, stolen after his show at infamous Big lills Leeds last night (September 6).
The former Forest semi-legend noticed his Ostrich was missing shortly after he had finished what was his first ever Bernie Clifton Awerness gig show with new act Burnt knee clapped on .
A spokesperson for R-Du Promotions, Boardman's management company told Smash Hits that Boardman was "very upset" at the theft of one his favourite Props but that video footage of the thief legging it with the stuffed bird had been passed to the police and that all fancy dress shops in the UK have been put on alert.
They added: "Craig is only concerned that his Ostrich is returned safely so if anyone knows anything about this could they please contact our office . A reward will be given for information leading to the safe recovery of the Bird."

Over Board

BARNSLEY COUNCIL have dismissed reports that CRAIG BOARDMAN is to be granted the freedom of their hometown.
It has been reported on other websites this afternoon (September 7) that the footballing-Meter reading -drum 'n ' bass-meader mogul, who first per formed in Sheffield over 20 years ago as a Jimmy Osmond stunt double, is set to receive the freedom of the city. A spokesperson for the council was quoted as saying the lad is still "the city's favourite son", having "done so much for Barnsley,More than Parky,Syksie or Scargill".
However, Brian Cruppettwaite, the council official who was originally quoted and went on to say the lad "deserve a really special award", now claims he was misquoted.
Speaking to Match of the day magazine he said: "It is all speculative at present. Unless there was a major Boardman event in the city, any future accolade is unlikely. We're not looking to do it in the near future."
Another official told This England magazine that the Freedom Of The City "wasn't given out lightly".
He added that the lad has been acknowledged by the city on a number of occasions, including enjoying a scubber diving session with the Mayor.

- Win A Day In A Luxury Box At a Ossett Town game of your chose ,Find out how the other half live with a VIP day out to see your team play. Craig Boardmans boots and Ossett Cycles Dale Street Ossett have teamed up to give you the opportunity to win a luxury box together with free Pie, drink and matchday programmes for the day - and entering the competition really couldn't be easier....

Soccer star -cum drum'n'bass guru meter reader Craig Boardman broke a pile of plates and tipped over a stack of chairs last night when he slipped on a pile of cherries at the Kerrang rock music ceremony.
Boardman, 29, fell as she went to swap body fluids with 'cheeky charlie wannaby" rocker Marilyn Manson.
The fruit had been fed earlier to band Slipknot by Boardman using blindfolds and cattleprods,and who had also trashed furniture at the Kerrang event aping Jesus in the temple.
Boardman was carried on to the stage and joked: "Tie that Slipknot."
he said later: "I've never given so much pain."

Frank Clark (current signed with a double's agency as blakkie from 'off the buses') has admitted he blundered in letting former hell-raiser Craig Boardman leave Nottingham Forest

CASH-STRAPPED Scarborough are in dire need of a rescue plan in order to stay in the Conference League,.And the supporters blame the sale of Boardman in 1997
The club must settle debts of about £2million to avoid being wound up by creditors. The down turn started when Boardman left ,both for the player and this club.
Two key players look set to be transferred to alleviate the crisis, which came to a head on Friday when main backer Brooks Mileson and chairman John Russell both quit. "I did n't sell Boardman either he exclaimed"
Defender Paul Ellender could be the first to leave the McCain Stadium if Scarborough accept a £25,000 bid from Doncaster, while Conference rivals have already expressed an interest in star striker Chris Tate. Boardman stated he would return to the club to spearhead any revival if an full appology and freedom of the city was granted.
Mileson, who quit the Seadogs after the board rejected his rescue package, said: “That’s me done with Scarborough Football Club ,they want Boardman back ..well .” And Russell commented: “I have no alternative but to resign,i had nothing to do with the Boardman saga.” Manager Colin Addison quit two weeks ago.
Board members have now drawn up rescue plans, which will be put to a meeting of creditors on 25 August. The first steps to bring back Boardman due to an campaign in the Scarbourgh Seagull
A statement said the club will have to make substantial savings, which will be examined in detail over the next fortnight and could include a return to a part-time squad – a huge blow for new manager Neil Thompson. But if they get Boardman back on Board ,Barnsley buisness man Paul Sykes has offered a loan deal

CRAIG BOARDMAN has sent out a warning to his potential new Man United team-mates to hide those wooden laddles - giving strict instructions that nobody is to slap him with wooden spoons on his bare buttocks and smear him in clotted cream after matches, despite it being a tradition that he has taken from club to club since his earlier traineer days under Brian Clough .

Football fans will get TO SIT on Craig boardman at their favourite clubs under new Government plans,To promote thier new couching TOUR plans.
"Sofa so good"
Dead panned Boardman much later

CRAIG BOARDMAN stunned football last night when he told Nottingham Forest: Give me David Platt's job!
The man who almost became a Red legend before he quit Forest in 1993 insisted they are capable of being one the world's biggest club.
Boardman, 30 in November, reckons he can do what no Forest manger has do since ,and replace Forest 's most successful boss Brian Clough who retired in 1993 ,due to Forest allowing Boardman to go!, and declared:
"I really love Forest. I had a great time at the City Ground.
"It would be difficult to follow Cloughie's legacy ,others have tried - he was the best manager in the world - but I could handle it.'
"I don't fear anything and if I was going to come back into forest, it would have to be a as a manager."