Barbie's letter to Santa

Barbie's "Dear Santa" Letter
To: Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc., El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There
had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for
a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
OK, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse - Malibu, CA

Email: cherry3484@aol.com