Clinton Jokes



Q. Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and DNA?
A. DNA does not lie.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.

Q. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A. Hillary doesn't get caught.

Q. What does Iraq and the White House have in common?
A. They both have "no fly" zones

Q. How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A. Punch him in the nose.

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None -- He'll only promise to change it.

Q. How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A. He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Q. What's Monica's new phone number?
A. 1-8OO-OICU812

Q. What's the difference between Prince Albert and Bill Clinton?
A. Prince Albert comes in a can.

Q. What's the best thing Monica got out of Bill's Penis?
A. The Wrinkles.

Q. Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Jimmy Swaggert are coming out with a new magazine?
A. They're going to call it Re-Penthouse.

Q. Why do we call it the White House?
A. Because sperm isn't purple.

Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica?
A. One doesn't come clean, the other doesn't clean come.

Q. What do Bill Clinton's Dick and a Chevy truck have in common?
A. They're both like a rock!

Q. How did Bill manage to create such a large gender gap in the '96 election?
A. One woman at a time.

Q. There is a rumour circulating that Monica has been arrested. The charge?
A. Receiving swollen goods.

Q. What did Bill say to Al Gore when passing him in the hall?
A. "Pardon Me!"

Q. What is Monica's favorite make of condom?

A. Presidents Choice. Q. What are the two differences between Harding and the current boss at the White House?
A. An extra "d" and a space preceding it.

Q. If Al was a tree what classification variety would he be?
A. He would be a pinus. With the holiday season just around the corner, someone may just cut the dead wood down.

Q. Did you hear the Clintons are relieved they named their dog "Buddy"?
A. They're glad they don't have to run around the White House yelling "Come Spot!!!"

Q. What's the best way to circumcise Bill Clinton?
A. Kick Monica in the jaw.

Q. How are the networks promoting the Clinton Testimony tape?
A. Lust-See TV

Q. What is Clinton's best asset?
A. His `lie' ability.

Q. What fraternity did Clinton join at collage?
A. I Phelta Thi.

Q. What do Monica and Lucille Ball have in common?
A. Both love a little cuban.

What similarity is there between Monica Lewinsky's groin and Cuba?
A. They're both excellent tobacco regions.

Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
A. Can I be "blunt" with you?

Q. Did you hear about the new soap opera?
A. Its called As the Cigar Turns.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky has joined the Republican Party?
A. The Democratic Party left a bad taste in her mouth......

Q. Why did Monica get promoted?
A. She was a great ass kisser.
A2. She was an up and cumming talent.

Q. Whats the new White House Slogan?
A. Licks are Forbids.

Q. What's the difference between Nike and Clinton? A. Nike's slogan is "Just Do It." Clinton's is "Just Do Me." Q. What's President Clinton's favorite cartoon?
A. Inspector Gadget.

Q. What do Clinton have in common with Road Kill?
A. No one wants to admit they are interested, but everyone takes the time to look at all the gory details.

Q. What is the sub title to the Starr Report?
A. The President has No Clothes.

Q. What are all the Clinton Ex-Cabinet Member thinking?
A. I got out Just in time!

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and the Big Bad Wolf have in common?
A. Both are good at Blowing houses down.

Knock, knock, knocking on Clinton's door.
Who's there?
100 Senators and 435 Representatives.
Tell 'em I'm busy in my study, but if they'll wait, cigars for everybody.

Q. What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton?
A. One had his head blown off. The other was assassinated.

Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire right after he hit his 62nd home run?
A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.

Q. What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common?
A. They're both making front-page news with their whacker.
A2. Its all about getting good wood on it.

Q. What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. On the Titanic, there was a better head count on who went down.

Q. What do Monica and Bill have in common?
A. They both SUCK!

Q. What does Clinton like do after Church?
A. Shoot the breeze with an intern.

Q. What does Bill Clinton's favorite holiday?
A. Easter Service.

Q. Why did Clinton go to Orlando?
A. He wanted to visit Fantasy Land

Q. When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling the cookies. Why not dad?
A. Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies

Q. Why did Bill Clinton become a man of the cloth?
A. The move seemed natural after everyone began to picture him a rector.

Q. Why did Bill quit eating garlic?
A. Monica claims "The hole thing left a bad taste in my mouth".

Q. What's the difference between Monica and a mosquito?
A. When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

Q. Why doesn't Monica need money?
A. She has a wad of Bill's.

Q. Why is there a hole in the end of Bill Clinton's penis?
A. So he can think with an open mind.

Q. What the difference between Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin?
A. One is worried about looter out on the Street,
the other is worried about hooters to easy to reach.

Q. Why does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.?
A. She wants to be the First Lady!

Q. What does NASCAR and Monica's dress have in common?
A. Dick Trickle

Q. What do Snap, Crackle, Pop and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A. They all talk after being hit with a white liquid.

Q. What do Clinton and an unemployed actor have in common?
A. They don't have any character.

Q. What does Clinton and the Mir Space Station have in common?
A. They both have been up longer than anyone expected and they both have a major debacle every few months.

Q. What has seen more action than Arnold Schwartzineger?
A1. The carpet in the Oval Office.
A2. A seat in the White House theater.

Q. Which song did Hillary get Michael Jackson to sing for Bill on his recent 52nd birthday?
A. "Beat It".

Q. How did Bill's semen get on Monica's dress?
A. Everyone knows Jewish girls don't swallow!

Q. Clinton was watching the Miss Teen USA Pageant on TV the other night........what did he think he was watching?
A. The Home Shopping Network!

Q. What do Clinton and an Iceberg have in common?
A. You can never tell what they are hiding beneath the surface.

Q. What did Monica Lawyer's say right before she testified?
A. Don't Blow It

Q. What did the Congressional Democrats say about Clinton's Speech?
A. Nothing until they check the polls.

Q. What do monica and a hurricane have in common?
A. Both blow hard and leave a mess afterwards.

Q. What is Hillary's favorite river?
A. De'Nile

Q. Who Clinton's favorite sci-fi character?
A. Hand Solo

Q. Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton OS?
A. It goes down all the time, won't clarify the error, but blames misinstalled Starr Software instead, and won't admit to the damage caused to the system.

Q. OJ Simpson's advice to Congress regarding impeachment?
A. If the Dress is a Mess, He Must Confess.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle?
A. Haywood Jablowme.

Q. Why doesn't Bill pay retail price?
A. He prefers to dicker.

Q. Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room?
A. You can't corner anyone in the oval office.

Q. What's the difference between the Clinton White House and a brothel?
A. You have to pay for sex in a brothel.

Q. What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A. "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

Q. Why did Clinton claim that he never completed a sex act with Monica Lewinsky?
A. Because whenever she put on her presidential kneepads, Geraldo pushed her out of the way.

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the situation with Rwanda?
A. He denied ever having met her.

Q. Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa?
A. He got the idea thumbing through some of his old National Geographics.

Q. What did Clinton say as he was looking out at the crowd of 500,000 in Africa?
A.Hey, who's the blonde chick?

Q. What did Clinton tell his secretary prior to leaving for Africa?
A. "Get me a lot of singles, I'm going to bush country!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ghana.
Ghana who?
Ghana get me some women!

Q. How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs?
A. 13 million of them are comedians

Q. Know why oil stocks are so weak?
A. Major drilling in White House.

Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What are the most important issues Clinton has brought to the nations attention?
A1. Sexual Harassment
A2. Campaign Finance Reform
A3. Law Enforcement

Q. Did you hear that Clinton won an Oscar?
A. He won for Most Dramatic Score.

Q. Why did Clinton flunk spelling?
A. He thought "harass" was two words.

Q.Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq?
A. Because it involves attacking a-broad.

Q. What is Monica's Favorite Song?
A. Devil with a Blue Dress

Q. Where did Monica get that dress anyway?
A. Bill was looking for her birthday gift and the dress was the first thing he come across!

Q. Who were Monica's two best friends while she was at the White House?
A. Neil and Bob

Q. What do Monica and Alaska have in common?
A. The Ididarod.

Q. What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A. Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

Q. Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A. She's withholding evidence

Q. What was Bill's admonition to Kathleen Willey?
A. Loose lips sink ships of state!



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