Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth a public servant. To show off, the engineer calls to his dog: "T square, do your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, took out a pencil and some paper and promptly drew a circle, square and triangle. Everyone agreed that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said his dog could do better, and called to his dog: "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went to the kitchen and got four cookies which he divided into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone thought that that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. "Measure, do your stuff." Measure went to the fridge, got out a 600mL bottle of milk and poured 200mL into a 250mL glass. Everyone said that was impressive.

The three turned to the public servant and asked, "what can your dog do?"

The public servant called "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, crapped in the circle on the paper, sexually harassed the other dogs, claimed he injured his back whilst doing so, filed a grivance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation and went home on sick leave.

Two farmers are shooting the breeze out in the fields. The first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count. The second farmer, not believing this, says "Prove it". So the first farmer says "Ok Rex, go count the ducks in the pond".

So Rex runs off and comes back a minute later and barks four times. The first farmer says, "Four ducks in the pond". So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four ducks are in the pond.

He goes back to the fields and says, "That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!". The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy".

So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he barks ten times. The second farmer goes back down to the pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks. "Shit!" said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced.

So, he goes back to the first farmer and says "One more time". So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond. Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously mount the first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick and begins shaking it like hell. The second farmer gloats, "See, that stupid dog can't count. He's gone mad!!". The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him. He's saying, there are more fucking ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!"

Two old swagmen were arguing about who had the better dog. "Well," said one, "My dog is the best. He wakes up every morning at sun rise, collects some firewood, picks up my billy, goes to the creek, fills the billy, comes back, lights a fire, makes me some tea and boils me an egg."

"That's nothing", says the other, "My dog gets up at sunrise, collects some firewood, starts the fire, picks up my billy, goes to the creek, fills the billy, comes back, makes me a cup of tea, boils me an egg and then he stands on his head."

The other swagman starts pissing himself laughing, "Stands on his head? Why on earth does he stand on his head?"

"Because I don't have an egg cup."

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