101 Things NOT To Say During Sex
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But everybody looks funny naked!
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You woke me up for that?
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Did I mention the video camera?
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Do you smell something burning?
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(in a janitor's closet) And
they say romance is dead.
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Try breathing through your nose.
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A little rug burn never hurt
anyone!
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Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
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Sweetheart, did you lock the
back door?
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But whipped cream makes me break
out.
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Person 1: This is your first
time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
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(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry
up! This room rents by the Hour!
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Can you please pass me the remote
control?
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Do you accept Visa?
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ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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On second thought, let's turn
off the lights.
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And to think- I was really trying
to pick up your friend!
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So much for mouth-to-mouth.
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(using body paint) Try not to
leave any stains, okay?
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Hope you're as good looking
when I'm sober...
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(holding a banana) It's just
a little trick I learned at the zoo!
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Do you get any premium movie
channels?
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Try not to smear my make-up,
will ya!
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(preparing to use peanut butter
sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
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Got any penicillin?
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But I just brushed my teeth...
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Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
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I thought you had the keys to
the handcuffs!
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I want a baby!
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So much for the fulfillment
of sexual fantasies!
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(in a menage a trois) Why am
I doing all the work?
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Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
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Did you know the ceiling needs
painting?
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I think you have it on backwards.
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When is this supposed to feel
good?
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Put that blender back in the
kitchen where it belongs!
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You're good enough to do this
for a living!
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Is that blood on the headboard?
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Did I remember to take my pill?
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Are you sure I don't know you
from somewhere?
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I wish we got the Playboy channel...
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That leak better be from the
waterbed!
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I told you it wouldn't work
without batteries!
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But my cat always sleeps on
that pillow..
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Did I tell you my Aunt Martha
died in this bed?
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If you quit smoking you might
have more endurance.
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No, really... I do this part
better myself!
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It's nice being in bed with
a woman I don't have to inflate!
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This would be more fun with
a few more people..
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You're almost as good as my
ex!
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Do you know the definition of
statutory rape?
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Is that you I smell or is it
your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
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You look younger than you feel.
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Perhaps you're just out of practice.
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You sweat more than a galloping
stallion!
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They're not cracker crumbs,
it's just a rash.
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Now I know why he/she dumped
you...
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Does your husband own a sawed-off
shotgun?
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You give me reason to conclude
that foreplay is overrated.
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What tampon?
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Have you ever considered liposuction?
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And to think, I didn't even
have to buy you dinner!
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What are you planning to make
for breakfast?
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I have a confession...
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I was so horny tonight I would
have taken a duck home!
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Are those real or am I just
behind the times?
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Were you by any chance repressed
as a child?
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Is that a hanging sculpture?
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You'll stil vote for me, won't
you?
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Did I mention my transsexual
operation?
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I really hate women who actually
think sex means something!
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Did you come yet, dear?
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I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing
about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
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A good plastic surgeon can take
care of that in no time!
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Does this count as a date?
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Oprah Winfrey had a show about
men like you!
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Hic! I need another beer for
this please
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I think biting is romantic-
don't you?
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Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
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When would you like to meet
my parents?
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Man: Maybe it would help if
I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
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Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
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Sorry about the name tags, I'm
not very good with names.
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Don't mind me.. I always file
my nails in bed.
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(in a phone booth) Do you mind
if I make a few phone calls?
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I hope I didn't forget to turn
the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
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Don't worry, my dog's really
friendly for a Doberman.
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Sorry but I don't do toes!
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You could at least ACT like
you're enjoying it!
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Petroleum jelly or no petroleum
jelly, I said NO!
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Keep it down, my mother is a
light sleeper...
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I'll bet you didn't know I work
for "The Enquirer".
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So that's why they call you
MR. Flash!
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My old girlfriend used to do
it a LOT longer!
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Is this a sin too?
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I've slept with more women than
Wilt Chamberlain!
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Hey, when is it going to be
my friend's turn?
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Long kisses clog my sinuses...
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Please understand that I'm only
doing this for a raise...
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How long do you plan to be "almost
there"?
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You mean you're NOT my blind
date?
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Hey, you don't sweat much for
a fat girl...
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