Chp 18
"I try to pick the pieces up
And I can't think of starting over
We used to share the stars above
I don't wanna think of change
And now I gotta move on
I've gotta catch up to the world
Even though I gave you my life
As wrong as it seems, I know it's right
But is there a place I can go away
To escape the love that I will forever know
Where can we go from here?
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears
Where can we go from here?
Why? Why do I cry inside?
For a love that's gone away
And how, how can I carry on?
When I know all the love is gone
Tell me, where can I go to get away
From the pain of loving you
Tell me where
Where can we go from here?
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears
Where can we go from here?"
AJ shut off the stereo system with the remote control and slowly got up from the floor. He had sprawled himself out staring blankly at the white ceiling just pondering the words to the beautiful song Brian had written for the album. He trudged to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door all the way. He took a long look at himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled and fifty different colors because he was too damn lazy to re-dye it. He had dark circles under his eyes from too much sleep. That's all he pretty much had done in the last couple of days. It gave him a false sense of security and peace. His complexion was deathly pale and he way too thin. Even for him. He had lost ten pounds in the last three months. He couldn't even recognize himself anymore. Upset at what he saw, he turned away and sank down to a sitting position against the porcelain tub.
"No more. No more," he muttered to himself in a trance. "Fuck it all." He pulled out a Swiss army knife from his back pocket. His dad had given it to him on his eighteenth birthday. He kept it all this time. He extended out his right arm and held it over the bright blue veins visible in his wrist.
Trembling, he brought it down lower and lower until he felt the cold metal against his skin sending chills down his spine. With one quick slash, he slit open his flesh, the pain hitting him like a million stabs and the dark red liquid oozing out, dripping to the floor. And then painfully, he forced his right hand to grip the knife and repeat the same procedure with his left wrist. He dropped the knife and then let his arms fall beside him.
He laid his head back against the bathtub and squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears escaping and streaming down his ashen face. After a few moments, he risked taking a look at the damage and wincing he stared down. The continuous rivulets soon formed into two big puddles of blood. One on each side of him. Some of it soaked through his pants. Snapping out of the trance, his eyes widened in horror in realization of what he had done.
"Oh God," he choked out. He was losing a lot blood fast and he could barely move. Not knowing what else to do, he reached for his cell phone that was lying on the sink and with great effort, dialed a number.
"204, 205, 206, 207, 208, 209---" *ring* Kevin stopped his nightly routine of sit-ups and got up from his bedroom floor. Looking at the clock, he saw it was 12:05 A.M. Trying to regulate his breathing and wiping the sweat that dripped down his exposed and extremely muscular torso with a towel, he answered the phone. 'Who'd be calling this late?' "Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?"
"Kev…" he heard a faint voice say followed by heavy breathing.
"Yes, who is this?"
"Please help me…I didn't know what I was doing…I-I didn't mean to…" The voice was barely audible, but Kevin soon recognized it.
"AJ? What is it?"
"Kevin, I didn't know what to do…I didn't mean to do it, I swear…"
"What? What did you do?" Kevin began to grow fearful. "AJ? What did you do?! AJ?!"
"Please help me…" His voice trailed off. Kevin was obviously not getting any answers this way.
"AJ?! Listen! Listen, don't move, you're home right?!"
"Yeah…"
"Ok, don't move, you hear me?! I'll be right there!" Just throwing on a shirt and sandals, he zoomed out of his room and out the front door on foot. AJ only lived a block away, thank God. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him. A million terrible things ran through his mind. He took his cell phone with him and tried to keep him talking. "You still there?!"
"Yeah…" He sounded further and further away the closer Kevin got to his house.
"Ok, good! Just keep talking to me, buddy, I'm almost there!"
Finally, he saw the metal gates of AJ's mansion glimmer in the moonlight. To his dismay, they were locked. "Oh fuck!" He shook them furiously but to no avail. "Shit!" He stared up at it. The gates were pretty tall, but with the adrenaline pumping throughout his body, he climbed over it, landing with a loud and painful thump feet first. He rushed to the front door and turned the knob frantically. It was locked as well. Before resorting to breaking the door down, he remembered AJ kept a spare key under a loose tile in his fountain that was situated on a large, round patch of grass beside the driveway. He ran over to it and removed a stone from the bottom. He grabbed the key and tried to open the door again, this time succeeding. He entered the house cautiously. Everything was dark...and quiet. Too quiet.
"AJ? Where are you?"
"Bath…room…" Kevin could tell he was getting weaker by the minute. He was running out of time.
"AJ, you've got six! Which one?!" he shouted exasperated. No answer. "AJ?! Oh God…" He ran to the one nearest him down the hallway. It was empty. The second one on the other side of the wing was unoccupied as well. "You gotta tell me which one!"
"First…guest…"
"The one in the first guestroom upstairs?! Ok, I'm coming! Just hang on!" He hurried up the stairs nearly killing himself. "Ok, I'm here. I'm here now. Everything's going to be fine…" He wasn't so sure of that himself. He didn't even know what was going on! "You still there?" Nothing. "AJ, answer me!" No response. No breathing. Just absolute silence. Kevin didn't know if he could take it any longer. He saw some light shine through the slightly opened door of the guestroom's bathroom. He crept closer and closer to it. "AJ?" No answer. He was so afraid of what he would find on the other side of that door, he could barely force himself to open it. But he had to. With one hand holding the phone and the other against the door, he pushed on it slowly. When it opened completely to reveal what was inside, Kevin dropped the phone and thought he was going to pass out right then and there.
With wide horrified eyes, he took in the sight of AJ lying in a pool of his own blood, some still oozing from the self-inflicted gashes on his wrists. His complexion was stark white and his lips were grey. His right hand was lying limply beside him still gripping the phone that was now drowning in the dark crimson liquid. His head rested on the edge of the tub, eyes closed. He lay motionless. Kevin was too late. Or so he thought, until AJ began to sob weakly.
"Help me…please…I don't want to die…"
Snapping out of the initial shock, Kevin grabbed two towels that were hanging by the sink, and rushed to his side. He was careful to avoid stepping in the blood. He tightly tied a towel around each wrist hoping to apply enough pressure to stop the incessant bleeding.
"What the fuck were you thinking?! Why did you do it?! WHY?!" he screamed not really angry at AJ, but more at himself.
"I'm sorry…I didn't know…I'm sorry," he cried softly. "I don't want to die…"
"You're not going to! Everything will be ok! I'm going to call 911, ok?!" Kevin realized he had dropped his phone. He couldn't use AJ's because it was covered in blood. He cursed and then crawled out to his phone. "It's going to be ok," he repeated trying more to convince himself.
"Kev…"
Kevin turned around and watched in terror as AJ's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he lost consciousness.
"AJ?!" He made his way back to him to make sure he was still alive. A very weak pulse was detected. He didn't have much time. "Hang on, hang on," he choked out, the tears starting to form in his eyes. A flashback of Howie dying right in front of him replayed in his mind. "Oh God…" He blinked back the tears and forced self-control. With trembling fingers, he dialed 911.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kevin sat in the waiting room in the hospital with his head in his hands. "I should've known. I should've…"
Staci, who was sitting next to him, rubbed his back soothingly and spoke gently. "It wasn't your fault. There wasn't any way you could've known."
He shook his head and stared blankly at the wall in front of him. "There was so much blood…everywhere…so much…" He looked at her with his red-rimmed eyes. "I let him down, Staci. I let you down. I let everyone down. I'm the responsible one. They count on me. I couldn't help him…"
"Kevin! AJ is going to be fine! You saw him! He's awake and everything!"
"It's not just that! It's this whole ordeal! I don't know how to help him get through it! I'm just so frustrated! I have absolutely no idea what to do! What if he tries it again?! What if I wasn't home?! What if---"
"Kevin, stop with the what ifs, if only, and I should've. You did everything you could! You actually saved his life! If you didn't get there when you did, it would've been too late! You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself for being the responsible one. This is way beyond you. It's way beyond me! There wasn't anything that we didn't do that we could've done to help him. AJ needs professional help and he's going to get it."
"I shouldn't have let my guard down," he insisted.
"Kevin, please," she pleaded firmly. She enveloped him in a hug and tenderly kissed him on the lips. "Everything's going to be ok."
He smiled weakly at her. "I hope so. Did you call Elena?"
"Yeah, but she wasn't home. I left a message on her machine. She's probably out with Nathan."
Kevin began to dislike that name. Nathan had played a major part in this drama, by no fault of his own of course. But still… "You know, the more I get to know him, the more I tend to not like him. I don't know what it is."
"It's called caring. When you're friends hurt, you hurt. I feel the same way except that I have disliked him from the very beginning. Now I know why. He's such a possessive dick."
"Why doesn't she dump him? Why is she still with him if he's such a fucking asshole?"
"I'm not the one you should be asking. But my theory is she's just using him for sex."
A small smile began to form on his lips, but then quickly disappeared when he saw Denise coming out of AJ's room crying and leaning on Nick for support. He shot up from his seat. "What is it? What happened?" he inquired alarmed.
Nick nodded his head as he helped Denise sit down. "Nothing. Nothing happened. She just got upset. Brian's still with him." He handed Denise a box of tissues.
"Thank you. *sniff* I'm sorry, Kevin, I didn't mean to scare you. I just hate seeing him like this! Why didn't I know?! I can't believe that he almost ended his own life! How could he keep something like that from me?!"
"Denise, no one believed he would take it to this extent," said Nick. "But now that we know, we're going to open our eyes and minds. We're not going to rule out any options."
Just then, Elena rushed in. "Oh my God, I just got your message! How is he?! Is he ok?!" Her nose and eyes were red. It was clear she had been crying. After she hugged everyone, Kevin made her sit down and comforted her.
"He's ok. He's awake. Brian's talking with him right now. You could go in to see him right now if you'd like."
"Yeah, I would. What room is he in?"
"The first room on the left down this hall. Room 364. Do you want me to come with you?"
"No, it's ok," she replied standing up. "Thanks." Nervously walking down the hallway, she thought to herself how much she loathed hospitals. 'God, when I die, I'd prefer being thrown into a garbage bag and left at the corner rather than lying in a morgue frozen like a turkey.' When she approached his room, she heard laughter and decided to linger in the doorway.
"…but the bumperstickers are really funny! I liked 'when in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!' and 'save the trees, wipe your butt with a towel!' *lol* Those were under my name. You should see what's under yours! They made you a friggin' horny toad! The ones I can remember off the top of my head are 'the sex was so good, even the neighbors lit a cigarette!' *lol* Oh oh oh and 'you have 206 bones in your body, want one more?' *lol* That one's the best!"
Elena giggled and waited for AJ's reaction.
AJ just sighed and in a low and quiet tone of voice he said, "Brian, I know you're trying really hard to make me laugh and I appreciate it. But I feel and look like shit. And making me sound like a hormone-driven sex god, when I can't even find a girlfriend, isn't helping any." He clearly was not amused.
Brian looked at the ground. "I'm sorry."
"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry I dragged you all into this. I didn't mean for it to go this far. *sigh* I should have never called Kevin. I should've just let my blood drain out of me like hope has and left you guys in peace.
"AJ---" Brian began but was interrupted by an angry voice.
"Alexander James McLean! Don't you dare ever say that again!"
Both AJ and Brian turned their heads to see Elena standing there with the expression of anguish and ire on her face.
"H-h-hi, Elena. Umm, I think I'll leave you two alone now. See ya later, AJ." Brian stood up and shook his head as he passed her, walking out of the room.
As she approached him, he turned his head the other way.
"I know what you're going to say. Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell us? How could you? Don't you know how much we care about you? Blah blah blah. Please, spare me the lecture. I've heard it fifty million times already."
He avoided eye contact with her and waited for her to yell at him like the others did. But no words came out of her mouth. Instead, all he heard was a small gasp and a sob. Confused, he looked at her. She had covered her mouth with her hand and fresh tears were cascading down her cheeks.
"Why are you crying?"
As she came closer to him, her sobs became louder, and when she finally reached him, she held him tightly in a hug and cried.
"I'm so sorry," she whimpered.
"What for?"
"I've been so caught up in my own pathetic problems that I didn't have any consideration for the other important people in my life. I didn't even realize what you were going through. Some friend I am. You could've died. I wouldn't have even known anything until it was too late. I don't want to lose you."
"Elena, none of this was your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault but my own. I brought it all onto myself. I-I-I just didn't know how to deal. I didn't realize what I was doing until I was half way to Hell. I'm sorry I'm causing you pain."
She let go of him and stared him right in the eye. "Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Stop making it sound that all you are is a burden to us."
"But I am. All I've done so far is cause everyone anguish."
"I told you to stop talking like that! Look…" She took his hand carefully and tried not to stare at the white bandages wrapped around his wrists. "We choose to suffer. We do it because we care."
"I know."
"No, obviously you don't or else you wouldn't have done what you did."
"I didn't do it on purpose."
"Right. You accidentally dropped the knife on your wrists."
He smiled sheepishly. "Umm, something like that..."
"AJ, what is going on with you? What could possibly be so bad that the only solution you could come up with was death?"
He stared down at his hands and twisted the hospital blanket around. It was a habit he had acquired ever since he lost the blankie his grandmother had made him a long time ago. "It's just stuff."
"What stuff? AJ, if you don't tell me I can't help you."
"I didn't ask for you to help me and I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because I just can't."
"AJ---"
"I'll tell you when I'm ready, ok?"
"And when will that be?"
"I don't know. I'll let you know."
"Ok…but…what's going to happen now?"
" *sigh* I promised my mom I'd see a psychologist. She thinks they can cure me of my depression. But I don't know…I don't like them. Shrinks are for crackpots. Great, now I'm a crackpot. Ugh, I hate my life."
"Well too bad. It's the only one you have."
"Yeah, I know."
"When are you going to be released?"
"I should've been out like tomorrow, but they want to keep me here an extra day for observations or whatever. I'll be home on Thursday."
"That's good. Did they really yell at you?"
A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, they did. But it's not like I was listening. Damn, my mom was pissed. She was ready to choke me with the IV. I think I'd rather bleed to death than face her wrath."
"She was crying, AJ."
He sadly gazed down at his lap. "I-I know. Listen, I'm getting even more depressed than I already am and that's not good. Can we please change the subject?"
"Ok."
"So…d-do you have a date set?"
Elena sighed. "Yeah, February 14th of next year."
"Oh."
Looking down at the ring, she nervously played with it. There was an uncomfortable pause. "Umm, listen, it's getting kind of late. Or early. Whichever way you want to see it. But…I have to go." She stood up and hugged him again. "I'm so glad you're ok. Don't you ever do that again, you hear?"
He smiled. "Ok."
"Say it."
AJ rolled his eyes. "I promise I will not slash my wrists ever again."
"Or OD on pills, or jump in front of a moving vehicle, or jump off a bridge, or swallow bleach, or purposely wander into a dark alley in the middle of the night hoping a mugger will find you, or---"
"I get the point! I promise I will never self inflict bodily harm ever again."
"Pinky swear?"
He laughed. "Are you serious?"
"I'm dead serious."
"Ok." He hooked his pinky finger around hers and they shook on it. "Pinky swear."
"Thank you." She kissed him on the forehead and patted his hand affectionately. "Oh and if you want to talk about anything or need anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, you know my number. I'll drop by tomorrow, too."
"Thanks. The same goes for you. Feel free to tell me about your problems."
She started making her way towards the door. "My problems are nothing compared to yours, so don't worry about me. Take care. I love you, sweetie, bye," was the last thing he heard before she walked out of the door.
" *sigh* I don't believe you," he whispered ruefully to the empty room.
Chp 19
Chp 17
