Chp 19
"Careful now, I don't want you falling off anything. We just brought you back from the hospital," quipped Elena as she and Kevin helped AJ out of the van. He was still extremely weak from the emotional and physical distress he had suffered over the past couple of days. She smiled at him and soon let out a surprised gasp as she felt something warm and fuzzy scratch at her legs. She looked down and was greeted by an over zealous Shiatsu. "Aww, Panda! Or is it Bear?" She bent down to pet the small dog. "Hello, sweetie! I bet you're happy to see Daddy, right?"
"Help, I'm leaningI'm leaning! I'm falling!" AJ proclaimed as he tipped over towards the side where support was void due to the distraction caused by a certain cute little canine. Elena quickly repositioned herself beside him and wrapped her arm around his waist.
"Sorry."
"What's Panda doing out here anyway?"
As soon as that sentence left his mouth, Denise came jogging out of the house and the dog sprinted behind AJ's legs, apparently realizing that she was naughty.
"Oh the little sucker escaped from me! Hi, honey, how are you feeling?" She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"So so. No offense, but why are you here?" His eyes drifted to the front doorway where a couple of suitcases leaned against the outside wall. "With luggage?"
"Well it didn't take me long to decide that it would be best for the both of us if we were together. That way I won't worry as much and you wouldn't be alone so you can't pull any more of those little stunts of yours."
AJ groaned. "Do you have to? I'm not a little kid! I don't have to be watched!"
"Those bandages wrapped around your wrists prove otherwise. Besides, it's only temporary. Only until you get your life back together and those outrageous and false notions out of your head."
"Oh God, at this rate, I'll definitely die before you do."
"I'll personally see to it that that doesn't happen."
"Haha, you're whipped," smirked Kevin.
"Kev, shut up."
They led him into the living room with Denise and Panda right behind them. Soon Bear appeared and hopped onto his lap. "Hello, baby, was Grandma good to you?" he asked the dog in a baby voice and then took a quick glance at Denise who was glaring at him for the last statement.
"I was good to them, but they weren't so good to me. They'd constantly whimper and pee everywhere."
"Hehe."
"Brian and Nick called. They'll be dropping by later. So will Staci and Jen."
"Great."
"Ok well, I gotta go," said Kevin. "But I'll be checking up on you frequently."
"Why? I'm already under 24-hour surveillance," AJ whined.
"Just to see how you'll be doing. I'll see you later. Bye." Kevin started walking out the door when he heard AJ call his name. He turned around.
"Thank you."
Kevin smiled and nodded in response and then left.
Denise stood up from the couch and started making her way to the kitchen. "I'll be right back, kids. I'm going to go make us something to eat."
"You two can eat, I'm not hungry," replied AJ.
"You're eating."
"I'm not hungry."
"You are eating."
"I don't want to."
"I don't care whether you want to or not. You still are."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not. You can't make me."
"You wanna bet?"
"AJ, don't challenge your mother. She'll win," teased Elena.
"Thank you."
"Gee, thanks for supporting me, Elena, you are a great friend," he retorted sarcastically.
"I know I'm not, AJ," she lamented staring at the ground.
"What? I was just kidding."
She swallowed and then looked into his eyes. "I wasn't there for you like I should've been. Maybe if I wasn't so wrapped up in my own pathetic problems, I could've helped you and you wouldn't have done this. I can't help but feel that I've played a part in your plan to self-destruction."
"It wasn't your problem, Elena. I was the one who lost control and let everything around me fall apart. I'm such a waste of space. I didn't even have the balls to go through with it. I'm afraid to live. I'm afraid to die. I feel like I'm somewhere in between."
"But you're not. You're here with us."
"Only physically. My body's still alivebarely. But my soul died a long time ago," he stated quietly.
"Why?"
"Because I'm a fuckin' weak dick who has a lot more than just a few loose screws and can't even understand or relief himself of the pain."
"AJ, if you make one more derogatory statement about yourself, I am going to beat you with a bat. I will hurt you severely," she threatened.
"Good. You'd be doing me and society a favor by putting me out of my misery."
"No, I didn't say I was going to kill you. I said I was going to hurt you."
"Look at me. I'm barely a shadow of my former self. Just a flick of the fingers would knock me over."
"We're going to fix that."
"It's too late. I'm way beyond help."
"That's not true."
"I should know. I'm the one going over the deep end. Hell, I'm already there!"
"AJ, stop it!"
"I can't help it. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically unhealthy. I'm suffering. If only euthanasia were legal."
"What is your problem?"
"I thought you'd know by now."
"No, I know what your problems are doing to you, but I don't know why. Why don't you want to tell me? Don't you trust me?"
"I do. I do trust you. The problem is I don't trust myself."
"Well, you're going to have to talk sooner or later because you're first session with Dr. Peters is set up for Wednesday."
AJ sighed and laid his head back against the couch. "I know. I don't know what I'm going to do. If I can't even tell my closest friends, what makes them think I'll be able to tell a complete stranger?"
"I'll go with you if you want."
"You don't have to."
"If it will help you, I'll go. I'll be there to hold your hand, sort of speak."
"Actually, I think I might have to take you up on your offer literally. That is going to be pure Hell."
"Everything will be ok, you'll see." Elena glanced at her watch and gasped. " Oh, I should be going now" She stood up and reached into her jean pocket. "But first I want to give you this." She handed him a cassette.
"What's this?"
"It's a tape."
AJ rolled his eyes. "Duh, I know it's a tape! What's on it?"
"Just play it. See you later, hon. Feel better." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and then went into the kitchen to say good bye to Denise.
"You're leaving already? I was about to make you a sandwich."
"Sorry, but I have to go. Thanks anyway." She went over to hug her. "Let me know if anything happens, ok?" she asked her quietly.
"Of course I will. Thank you for being there for him."
"It's no problem. Actually, he's helped me more than he'll ever know. I'll see ya. Bye, chica." She went through the living room and waved at him and then walked out the front door.
AJ sat there rotating the tape in his hands. All the label said was To AJ From Elena. 'Well, here goes nothing.' He struggled to get up and stand on his own. He felt himself trembling and weakening. Soon dizziness took over and he fell back down on the sofa. "Shit." He put his head in his hands to stop the room from spinning.
Denise had just walked in and noticed his expression of pain. She quickly set the tray with food down and rushed to his side. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I will beas soon as the room stops spinning and my vision returns. Oh my God, I feel so bad."
"Do you want go upstairs and lie down?" she asked him concerned. He really did look sick.
"No, no I'm ok. It went away. Can you play this for me please? I'd do it myself, but I'm afraid I'll pass out."
"Sure." She took the tape and stuck it in the stereo system. Elena's voice soon emanated from the speakers.
"Hey, babe. It's Eelie here. I recorded a song I wanted you to hear. And fear not, I'm not singing it. I wouldn't dare do such a thing. It's called Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. Just listen and learn. I'll be seeing you. Bye."
AJ and Denise smiled at her humorous little message. Seconds later, a pretty melody began to play.
"When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone"
After the song ended, both of them remained silent.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Do I have to? I don't want to go! Shrinks are scary," AJ whined as Denise pushed him out the door of his room.
"Yes you do. Shrinks---I mean psychologists can help."
"How do you know?"
"I know everything. Now let's go."
AJ had gotten a little better over the course of the week. Some color had returned to his features and he could now go down the stairs on his own, slowly but surely. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief to this news. He wasn't completely well. That would take time. But the thought of death had abandoned him. Actually, it was pushed to the back of his mind. But he didn't let anyone know. He wanted them to think he was getting better for their own good.
"This sucks."
As they proceeded to his driveway, they saw three cars pull up in front of them. Elena, Staci, and Kevin stepped out of one. Brian and Jen out of another. And Nick was the last one to come out. AJ stared at them confused while Denise smiled.
"What's going on?" he asked as they approached them.
"We're going with you," answered Brian.
"With me where?"
"Mars! You're first session, duh!"
"But my mom's going with me."
"So are we!"
AJ looked at them and counted to himself. "All six of you?"
"Seven," added Denise.
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope. We'll be filling up the office. No room for other patients," grinned Nick.
"Why?"
"We want to support you. There are a lot of people who care about you," stated Staci.
AJ smiled and gave each of them a hug. "Thanks, guys. You're the best."
"We know," they all replied in unison smirking.
Half an hour later, everyone sat in the waiting room waiting for AJ to be called. He nervously twirled the end of his shirt. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this."
"Relax! It's not like you're at the dentist's waiting for a root canal. This is pain-free," reasoned Brian.
"That's easy for you to say! You're not the one who's going to get their mind probed and hypnotized and their deepest darkest secrets and bad childhood memories revealed!"
"They really hypnotize you?!" Nick inquired excitedly.
"No, dork! He's been watching too many movies!"
"I have not! I just don't like talking to people who don't know anything about me about my problems."
"But she does know about you. She has to. She read your records and stuff."
"Ok, fine. I don't like talking to people I don't know anything about about my problems."
"It'll be ok. We'll be here."
"Alexander James McLean? Dr. Peters is ready to see you," announced the secretary.
AJ took a deep breath and then plodded his way towards the office's entrance followed by the seven people who came with him. He was met by a short and pretty brunette maybe in her late thirties who wore glasses and carried a clipboard. Her chocolate brown eyes widened at the sight of the large group.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Anna Peters, which one of you is Mr. McLean?" she said in a professional yet friendly manner.
AJ sheepishly raised his hand. "Guilty."
"Oh, pleased to meet you," she greeted as she shook his hand.
"Likewise."
"Hello Dr. Peters, I'm Denise McLean, AJ's mother." She took her hand as well. "And the rest of them are close friends."
"How sweet, but I'm afraid Mr. McLean is the only one allowed in. We're serious about keeping everything confidential."
"We understand. I guess this is where we must part. We'll see you in an hour, honey, ok?" Denise hugged him, so did Staci, Elena, and Jen while Nick, Kevin, and Brian gave him a reassuring pat on the back.
"Ok, but if I don't return in an hour, remember that I love you all and Nick isn't allowed to touch my hats."
"Hey!"
Dr. Peters chuckled and then closed the door behind her as they entered the room. It was pretty spacious. Her desk was situated in front of two large windows. An oak wood bookcase rested against a wall on the far left, and a chestnut colored leather couch sat on the far right.
"Please lie down."
"Do I have to? I don't like being in such a vulnerable position."
Dr. Peters laughed. "I'm not going to attack you. I just want to talk to you."
"Why can't I just talk to you standing?"
"Because it's much more relaxing and less stressful for the client to be comfortable."
"That's a lie."
"Can you do it anyway? Please?"
AJ sighed and gave in. "Fine." He nervously sat down on the couch and then stretched his body out to its full length. He moved around a bit making himself comfortable. "Hey, this isn't so bad." She took a seat next to him.
"I told you."
"The only problem is I might fall asleep in the middle of our discussion."
"Do you always display humor when you're apprehensive?"
"No, I usually sweat, shake, and clam up. But I'm weird, don't ask."
"Very well, now shall we begin?"
"Do I have a choice? Are you going to ask me about my childhood and if I've ever been neglected or molested or anything? Because I'll save you the trouble. My mom was great. I didn't even really miss my dad "
"No, I won't put you through all that. I just want to get to the point, the root of your problem. From when I spoke to your mother, I understand that something traumatic happened to you a few years ago?"
"Yes, it's true. Actually, a lot of things have happened to me."
"Yes, but what I want to know about is the incident involving a friend of yours and band mate, Mr. Howard Dorough?"
AJ blinked and looked up towards the ceiling. "Yes?"
"Tell me about him."
"Ummwell, he was my best friend in the group. I mean we're all close and like brothers and everything, but I knew him the longest. We met a couple of years before we formed the group. Ummhe was the peacemaker. If any of us got into a quarrel or whatever, he'd be the first to jump in and tell us to shut up and listen to each other. He never denied a fan an autograph. I mean none of us would, but he'd definitely go out of his way to bring a smile to a fan's face. We called him Sweet D."
"Did you look up to him?"
"Yes, I did. He was like the big brother I never had. Although he was four years older than I was, we got along great. Kind of like Nick and Brian except much more mature. I'd tell him about my problems and express my teenage angst and he'd listen and give me advice. He washe was a really good friend. I wish I had told him that sooner."
"Why didn't you?"
"I don't know. I guess I thought he'd always be there. But I should've. Instead, I let anger take a hold of me and said things I didn't really mean."
"Like what?"
All the memories started flooding back to him. All those years of unshed tears threatened to fall. "Like" He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Like t-that I should've never joined the group and that I shouldn't have ever become friends with him."
"Why did you say those things?"
"I don't know. We were fighting and all I could see was red. I was blinded. I didn't know what I was saying."
"How did the fight start?"
"I-I'm not really sure. All I remember saying is that h-he had taken someone away from me. I knew it wasn't true. I had my chance. She chose him, but I was so pissed."
"Who was she?"
"Sh-sh-she was his girlfriend at the time and my friend."
"You had feelings for her?"
"Yes, I did."
"For how long?"
"Ever since I had laid my eyes on her. She didn't want anything to do with me in the romantic sense, but she's great friend."
"So you're still in touch with her?"
"Yes."
"Does she know how you feel?"
"No. I haven't told her and I probably never will."
"Why not?"
"She's found someone else and I don't want to complicate her life. I'm afraid that if I tell her our friendship wouldn't be the same or even worse, she wouldn't want to see me anymore."
"I see. Do you think that is part of your depression?"
"I know it is, but it's not her fault at all. My problems began way before her. Touring and everything can be very stressful. I was beginning to feel that being in the group was becoming less fulfilling. I was even contemplating quitting. But Howie made me think twice about leaving so I decided to stay."
"What did he say to make you stay?"
"It wasn't as much as what he said to make me stay. It was more of what he did."
"What did he do?"
AJ squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled raggedly. "He died."
Dr. Peters stood up and walked over to her desk. She returned with a box of tissues and set it down beside her chair. "I know you'd rather forget everything and I'm sorry I'm making you relive such a horrible event, but please, I need you to tell me what happened."
AJ didn't know if he could. He had been living with it for so long. He just wanted it to go away. "I-I-I can't."
"Please."
"Please don't make me."
"I'm sorry, but I have to know. How did Howard die?"
He felt himself tremble and the room suddenly became cold. "H-h-he was sh-shot." AJ heard the thunderous wails of the bullets as they sliced through the air.
"By who?"
"That fuckin' son of a bitch Pearlman." Lou's sardonic grin appeared before him. "But it was my fault. I killed him," he breathed his voice cracking with emotion.
"You weren't the one pulling the trigger. How could it have been your fault?"
"Th-the bullets were meant for me. H-he pushed me out of the way a-a-and they h-hit him instead."
"So he died trying to save you?"
AJ no longer struggled to keep the tears hidden. "Yes." The tragic scene replayed before him. He closed his eyes and willed it to go away. But when he opened them, all he could see was Pearlman aiming the gun at them and them shrinking in fear. "P-pleasedon't"
Dr. Peters wrinkled her brow in confusion. "Don't what?"
"Pleasedon't kill us" he begged, his eyes closed and tears cascading down his face.
"What?"
Lou growled and started walking away. But all of a sudden, he turned around and pulled out a gun.
"Fuck you!!! You bastards!!!"
"No! Stop!" he cried.
"Mr. Mclean! Are you alright?!" He seemed to be in a trance. Somewhere no one could reach him. He tossed his head from side to side, screaming and convulsing. "Mr. McLean?!"
Without thinking, he darted across the room and pushed A.J. out of the way. But he didn't have enough time to save himself. Lou fired two shots. Howie clutched his chest as the bullets ripped through him and the blood gushed out.
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
He ran to his friend's side "I'm sorry about everything I said! I didn't mean it! Just stay with us, please!"
Howie looked at him with sad and anguished eyes. He grabbed his hand and tried to tell him something. He was cold and shivering. He couldn't speak. When he opened his mouth, no words would come outjust terrible gurgling and choking sounds, along with oozing blood. He was dying right before everyone's eyes
Surgery Elena on the phone from the hospital"He didn't make it" "I'm going to kill that fuckin' bastard!" " I have to kill him! I promised!"
"I promised! I have to kill him!"
"Mr. McLean!" Dr. Peters was extremely afraid. She was trying to hold him down but he was resisting aggressively. "Mr. McLean! Please wake up!"
Seconds later, Kevin burst through the door having heard the commotion from the waiting room. He ran to where she was trying to calm him down and asked her to move as he struggled to restrain him. "AJ! AJ, wake up!"
Everyone else appeared in the room terrified and shocked. Kevin yelled at them to stay where they were.
"NOOOOOOOO!!! Let go! I have to kill him! I promised!" he continued to scream and kick fiercely.
"AJ! Wake up! Come back! Come back to us!" he demanded as he shook him violently.
"NO!" His eyes snapped wide opened and sweat beads glided down his blanched face. His vision was blurred. All he could see was a faint image of a man he thought he knew. Slowly, Kevin's concerned features became clear. He squinted as his eyes took focus. "Kevin? Oh God, it happened again!" he shouted panicked.
"What?! What happened again?!"
"I saw it! It happened again! He was there a-and he pulled out a gun and he-he aimed it at me, b-but Howie saved me and he sh-shot him instead a-a-and it was my fault!"
"AJ, you don't know what you're talking about! Nothing happened!"
"Yes it did! He was there with a gun! He was right there!" he exclaimed frantically pointing to the office's door where Brian, Jen, Nick, Staci, Denise, and Elena stared at him in shock. Denise wanted to cry. "But he was! I saw him! I felt it! I saw" He broke down. Denise walked over to him and enveloped his trembling form in a hug.
"Shhh, it's ok. You're ok," she soothed stroking his hair and fighting the urge to cry herself.
"I don't want to be here," he whispered straining his barely audible voice.
"Ok we'll go home now." She looked over to Dr. Peters who had sympathy written all over her face. "I'm sorry, Dr. Peters, but I don't think---"
"I understand."
"Thank you. Come on." They slowly got up and her and Kevin helped the devitalized AJ out of the room. Everyone else followed a few steps behind traumatized by that day's event.
Chp 20
Chp 18
