Chp 34
"No" Elena moaned as she wept uncontrollably in Denise's arms. "Oh God, what have I done?"
"Shhh, sweetie, please," Denise begged trying desperately to fight back her own urge to break down. "You have to calm down, you'll make yourself sick."
"I don't care, my life doesn't mean anything anymore," she whispered, her voice cracking.
"Don't say that. The growing baby inside you still needs you. AJ still needs you."
Elena shook her head and gagged on her never ending sobs. "He doesn't love me anymore. Why would he? I betrayed him. I'm just a dirty slut who doesn't deserve true love."
"That's not true. He's just upset. You couldn't have expected him to take something like that lightly. He just needs time. What would you have done if you were in his shoes?"
"I would've done the same thing." She began to cry harder. "But that's what scares me because after I'd left, I would never come back."
"Oh, honey"
"And I'm so angry at myself, not just because I'm pregnant with Nathan's child, but if I had thought about it sooner, I could've had the option of abortion. I would've lost the baby, but I still would've had AJ. But it makes me angrier to know that I wouldn't have been able to go through with it. Yes, it is Nathan's child, but it's also mine and I love it and want it regardless. But I understand what AJ's going through. Every other man would've left me to wallow in my own misery alone. I deserve it."
"Elena," the older woman held her by the shoulders and forced her to look her straight in the eye. "My son isn't every other man. I know my AJ. He would never leave you."
"How could he forgive me? No, Denise" She stared at her helplessly, her sight blurred with tears. "This is it," she choked out falling right back into her arms, "I've lost him forever."
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AJ solemnly wandered the dark quiet streets in a somber silence. After kicking over a couple of garbage cans and punching a few walls, his anger was replaced with pain. And the worst thing was that none of his brothers were there to console him and ease his suffering. Brian was on his honeymoon, Kevin was still in Kentucky with Staci, and Nick had flown to LA to be with his family. He had none of his usual recourses to turn to. There was only person he could think of.
Ding dong. "Aahhh!" Daniela dropped the knife she was slicing the tomato with to her tiled kitchen floor. She had woken up with a sudden craving for a sandwich when the loud ringing of the doorbell startled her. "Holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Who the hell would be visiting me at this hour?!" she huffed and blew her untamed waves away from her eyes. 'Oh God, I hope nothing's happened,' she thought to herself suddenly stricken with terror. She cautiously plodded to her front porch and slowly opened the door. She was very surprised to find who was standing on the other side. "AJ! What are you doing here?!" One look at his eyes and she began to panic. "What's wrong? What happened? Oh my God, is it Elena?!"
He nodded his head and gulped. "No, it's nothing like that." Every word sounded strangled from his throat. "I had no one else to turn to."
She could tell that he was totally broken although she didn't know why. All she could think of to do at that moment was to hug him and offer a few words of comfort. "It's ok. Whatever it is, we'll talk about. Come in." She took his hand and led him to the couch. "Can I get you something? Tea or water?"
"No, thank you. All I need is someone to talk to right now."
Daniela scooted closer to him and took his hand. "I'm listening."
AJ took a deep breath before telling her the whole story. Daniela was utterly shocked. She couldn't move. She couldn't talk. She couldn't think of anything to say to him to alleviate his anguish. She just couldn't believe it. "The b-b-baby's Nathan's?" she finally forced out of her paralyzed vocal chords after several tries.
"Yeah," he replied barely above a whisper.
"A-a-are you sure?"
"Elena seems to be."
"But can't she be wrong? I mean, you two weren't together that long after she ended it with Nathan. Isn't there the slightest possibility that the baby's yours?"
AJ thought for a moment and then put his head in his hands. "I don't think so. She was two weeks pregnant before we got together."
"But that's such a short span of time."
He looked at her hopelessly and sighed. "It's enough to make a difference."
"Well, have you talked to her about it?"
AJ nodded his head. "No, I left as soon as she told me."
Daniela gasped and cried urgently, "Why did you do that?! She's going to think you left her!"
"What the hell else was I supposed to do?! I was just so fuckin' angry! I didn't want to be in the same room, in the same house with her that moment!"
"So you just left her alone?! AJ, her telling you the news was just as hard on her as it was on you! Maybe even more! She's the one who's carrying the kid that she hoped and prayed and believed was yours! How do you think she felt when the doctor told her it wasn't yours?!"
"The same damn way I'm feeling right now!"
"Exactly---"
"But she lied to me!
"AJ, she was scared---"
"She lied! This isn't just some little fib! This is the mother of all fuckin' lies as far as I'm concerned! I gave up everything for her and that baby! I quit the one thing that was constant in my life! I tore apart my old family for my new one!"
Daniela's eyes widened and she swallowed hard. "What are you saying?"
"I---" His voice calmed down and he closed his eyes. "I quit the group," he confessed. All the flashbacks of the tour, meet and greets, video and photo shoots, and just the four of them hanging out came flooding back to him.
"Y-you---"
"Yeah."
Daniela didn't know what to say. The Backstreet Boys were his life. He gave it all up, the fame, the glory, the brother-like friendships, everything for Elena. She finally began to see his side of the story. Elena was her sister and she'd defend her to till the end, but at that second, as she looked into AJ's pained and despairing eyes, she just wanted to take him into her arms and make it all go away. "Are you still angry at her?"
AJ sighed and ran his fingers through his bleached blonde spikes. "No, I guess not. I thought I was and I really wanted to be, but I've realized that, yes she did lie to me, butit wasn't really anger that I was feeling. Rage only masked my true feelings. You have no idea what it feels like to know that that baby whom you've grown to love and accept as your own, who is growing inside the only woman you truly had ever loved, is not yours. That it belongs to the only person you've honestly really hated. We wanted to forget all that crap. We wanted to put Nathan and all the pain and suffering he's caused us all behind us. But how are we going to do that with this constant reminder that will be there every second of our lives?"
"AJ," Daniela said softly placing her hand on his arm. "You have to talk to her. You can't just let something like this stay unresolved."
"I don't know what to do. How can you fix something like this?"
"You can't, but you can learn to accept it. So what if it's Nathan's kid. Nathan certainly doesn't know and when the child's grown up, you don't have to tell them. How could they find out? It's your name on the birth certificate not Nathan's." She paused for a moment carefully mentally constructing her next question. "Has anything changed?"
He gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"
"Have you stopped loving the child even though it's not yours?"
AJ didn't hesitate to answer her truthfully. "No, but it's never going to be the same again."
"Things in life rarely are. AJ, this is the best advice I can give you. Talk to her. Let her know how you feel. It's going to be hard, but remember that it's the both of you that are hurting. You're both victims. And I know my sister. She's gone through so much with relationships. They never seemed to work until she found you and even then, she was afraid to love you because she thought she'd lose you, too. And she came pretty close to it several times if you remember. Howie's death almost killed her. She will most likely have nightmares about Nathan and what he did to you both for the rest of her life. And I can't even imagine what she must have felt when she thought you died in that explosion. She loves you so much, AJ. You and that baby are her life. She's probably bawling her eyes out right now thinking that you've stopped loving her."
"I never said I stopped loving her," he said quietly.
"But have you?"
AJ looked solemnly into Daniela's questioning hazel eyes speckled with green that so resembled Elena's. But he remained silent.
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Denise sat alone in total darkness. All was silent except for her occasional trembling sighs as she suppressed the sobs that were trying to escape her throat. But she couldn't hold back her tears. Why was all this happening again? Elena had helped him through the trying times of his depression and despair that had almost claimed his life. AJ in turn had helped her rediscover the meaning of love. They completed each other. They filled the emptiness in each other's lives. They were a beautiful couple, the very example of a perfect love. They were finally happy. Why were they being continuously punished? Haven't they suffered enough? Denise didn't know how they managed to survive so much, but she prayed that whatever had gotten them through all those other times, would help them now.
It had been hours since AJ stormed off. Denise was beginning to get worried. Where could he have gone? There was no one who could comfort him. No one except for her. But lately, he wouldn't even turn to his own mother. She knew that he didn't need her as much as he used to, a harsh reality, and that he was busy with his family and his own life. She couldn't expect him to be her baby boy again and run to mommy every time he had a problem. But he had been keeping major things from her. She would never forget the call that came in the middle of that one night. She had been peacefully sleeping when the shrill ring of the phone had woken her from a nice dream. She had been dreaming of her future grandchildren as a matter of fact. Immediately sensing that something was wrong, she quickly answered the phone. Late night calls rarely meant good news. Her worries were intensified as she heard the terror in Kevin's voice. Just as she was going to inquire what was wrong, her doorbell rang. Shaking, she descended down the stairs with the phone in her hand and opened her door to find Nick standing there with panic written all over his face. That was when Denise knew for a fact that something serious had happened. At that moment Kevin started to cry and he could barely get the words out, but what she heard was that AJ had tried to kill himself and nearly succeeded. Only a couple of more minutes and he wouldn't have made it. The room began to spin around her. Nick surrounded her with his arms and carefully guided her to his car where they set off to the hospital which was nearly three hours away. They couldn't get there fast enough, not even with Nick speeding and running red lights. The whole time Denise was hysterical frantically asking millions of questions that Nick couldn't answer.
When they had finally arrived and she was allowed in to see him, the sight before her would always be etched into her mind forever, his still form lying in the hospital bed with an IV hooked up to his arm. It led from a plastic pouch hanging above him that was filled with a dark crimson liquid, the only thing that had kept him alive. Her eyes uneasily settled on the bandages wrapped around his wrists. Small red blotches stained the middle of them. He looked so frail, like the slightest touch would cause him to fall apart. He was deathly pale, almost as white as the sheets that surrounded him. He was awake but not completely there, his eyes locked to the ceiling in a fixed stare. This wasn't AJ. This couldn't have been him. She knew her son and this wasn't---Oh God, it was. What had hurt her the most was the fact that he had done it to himself. What could have possibly driven him to attempt such an inconceivable and horrible thing? Why would he want to leave all the people he loved behind to grieve without any solace? How did all this happen without her knowing anything about it? Did anyone else know? She wanted to scream
The quiet chiming of the clock brought her out of the morose retrospection that she would rather forget but that will always haunt her. It was now four in the early morning, the sky still black as night. Denise had been comforting Elena for what seemed like endless hours before slowly guiding her to bed where she cried some more and then had finally exhausted herself. She kept a vigil over her trembling form and sadly watched as she sobbed and cried out even in her sleep.
Denise flicked on a small lamp that cast a soft yellowish glow over everything and glanced nervously at the clock situated on the wall. Her mind drifted back to what Elena had said. She began to fret that she had been right, that he wouldn't ever be coming back
The moment that thought crossed her mind, she heard the front door slowly creak open. AJ silently stepped into the room and quietly closed it behind him. His face was hidden in the shadows. He just stood there not saying a word. Denise slowly lifted herself up from the couch and cautiously approached him. The whole house was eerily silent except for Denise's soft footsteps as she made her way toward him. When she arrived to stand right in front of him, she saw that a pair of dark shades were concealing his eyes.
"Are you ok?" she whispered worried by his unusual reticence. He didn't answer her. He was beginning to scare her. "AJ?" She slowly reached up and removed the sunglasses from his face. It was dim, but she could still tell that his eyes were red-rimmed from incessant crying and glistening with unshed tears. They radiated such sorrow and anguish that Denise could feel it to the very depths of her soul. She didn't even realize that she had started to cry. His bottom lip began to quiver and he broke out into sobs. He fell into her opened arms and collapsed bringing both of them down to their knees.
"Shhh, it's ok, baby, it's alright," she soothed him, stroking his hair as her own tears streamed down her cheeks.
"It's not her fault," he choked out in between sobs. "I know it's not her fault."
"It's not anybody's fault, sweetie, not even Nathan's. God made it happen. A baby is a blessing, not a curse."
"But we wanted it to be ours. I wanted it to be mine. Now she has a connection to that bastard that I can't be a part of."
"It is yours. You are the father of that child. It doesn't matter whether it's in blood or not. You're going to be there for them. You're going to love them and they're going to love you in return. Nathan has absolutely no part in this. It is your family. You can't let him tear you two apart. You know that's what he would want. Elena loves you so much."
"I love her, too---"
"Then tell her."
"I thought she knew."
Denise gently separated herself from him and made him look at her. "She needs to hear it again, now more than ever because the second you walked out that door, she thought she lost you. She thinks you don't love her anymore and it's killing her."
AJ sniffed and roughly wiped his tears away with the palms of his hands. "Where is she?"
"She's in your room. She cried herself to sleep."
He pushed himself off the floor and stumbled toward their room leaning on the wall to keep himself from falling. He felt weak, drained of all strength. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Elena must feel. As he neared their half-closed door, he could hear her soft whimpers leak through the crack. Clumsily making his way into the room, he saw her outline curled up on the bed with her back facing him. Her body continued to be racked by sobs. Carefully, he crawled into bed and draped his arm around her. His hand came in contact with the corner of something thin and metallic. He looked at the night table beside her and found it void of the rectangular silhouette that usually loomed in the familiar darkness. She was clutching a picture frame. The picture of them taken on their wedding day. He tried to gently pry it out of her grasp. It took great effort, she was holding on to it for dear life.
"No" she murmured pulling it back against her body.
"Shhh, it's ok. I'm here. You don't need this to keep you company anymore."
Her eyes, sticky with tears, fluttered opened at the sound of his pleasantly raspy voice. She tiredly turned her head toward him. "AJ?"
"Yeah."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and sniffled. "I am so sorry," she squeaked out beginning to cry.
"It's ok," he cooed as she rolled her whole body to her other side and snuggled into his arms, her sobs muffled by his shoulder.
"I n-never meant f-for this to happen. I never m-m-meant to hurt you." Her voice faded out at the last syllable.
"I know. I'm not blaming you."
"B-b-but what about---"
"Shhh, we won't worry about that right now." He gingerly removed the picture frame from her grasp and placed it on the nightstand on his side. He then held her hand close to his heart and kissed her forehead. "Just sleep."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"When I wake up, will you be here right beside me?" she asked him, her voice trailing off as she drifted into a peaceful slumber.
"Always," he whispered closing his eyes. "Forever."
Chp 35
Chp 34
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